Every Monday (when I have participants) I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
Today, I’m happy to present Deb’s story. I think it’s a wonderful example of how we can continue on our minimalist journeys, even when our personal circumstances make it a little more challenging.
Deb writes:
My name is Deb. At 57 I’m still working to reduce the things I live with. I have been a minimalist most of my life. Unfortunately, I was raised by two pack rats. When my father died in 1993 my mother left their very full 3600 sq ft home and started living with me. I was able to reduce the load to fit it into 1440 sq ft.
Over the years since then my mother (who is 82 now) has moved around with me as I followed my job adventure. Each move helped reduce the load more. I think this is our last move until Mom passes on since it is getting harder on both of us to move. Very slowly I am helping my mom learn to let go of all the things she has accumulated over the years. We have a long way to go.
I need very little to live and there are days when all of the stuff we live with drags on me. One good thing though is that Mom doesn’t like clutter any more than I do so all of her stuff is in drawers, cupboards or boxes and not out on counter tops and tables. Mom wants to hang onto everything because she might need it again. I like to give things away because I don’t use it. If I need it again someday I can borrow it. There is very little that I would need on a regular basis.
The other day I was talking to my best friend. We realized that for a small studio apartment would be all I would need if it were just me. Give me lots of light, my laptop, a good chair, a bed, and a way to cook and I’m set.
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Thank you for sharing your story, Deb.
Deb,
Thanks for sharing!
My situation doesn’t mirror yours, but I share your frustration to some degree. My SO likes to acquire things, BUT she is super organized and a neat freak. She does envy my outlook on minimalism, but I don’t see her becoming a “convert”. That’s fine.
My own attitude towards things has evolved dramatically over the years and I don’t feel the need to “have” this or that because someone else does. I am actually happier and functional with less and I can focus on the few things I have decided to keep. One example is the fact that I have my entire music collection on my Ipod and don’t have to cart around a bunch of CDs anymore.
My parents, on the other hand kept mostly everything and believed that one day it will come in handy. More on that later, lol.
I used to want a studio apartment so bad. I remember when I had a huge apartment and spent all my time in one room so I figured I was just wasting space having a bunch of rooms. Thats when I had a lot of stuff too. I’m still working on getting rid of the clutter, but Hopefully one day I will get down to 100 items(or at least so everything fits in my car) thats my goal. I’m not to worried about getting there anytime soon though. I don’t hate my small apartment anymore now that I have been getting rid of so much clutter.
Thanks for writing this, Deb. I think it’s really nice how you’re helping your mother slowly release her stuff. I think it can be particularly difficult for older folk (maybe because they lived through the Depression), but I know several who have decluttered and say they feel so much happier and lighter after doing so.
It’s a lot easier to be a minimalist when you live alone, so I’m glad to read about someone doing it while considering another person’s wants and needs. Thank you.
I can so relate to your story of the less you have the less you find you need. I spent years accumulating stuff only to wake up one day and ask ‘why’? I have since shed about 75% of it and as i go on through life i will continue to make progress.
I told my husband the other day that i spent the first 40 yrs accumulating stuff, now i plan to spend the next 40 getting rid of it all (though secretly i hope it’s gone long before then)!
hi deb,
your story makes me remember a very important time in my life that influenced my new way of living. i was my mother’s caretaker during her last years of life. i watched how this woman had spent her entire life acquiring things, like any normal person would do and then near the end, her only possessions were her bed and a photograph of her graduating from nursing school, 45 years earlier that sat on her bedside table. it was a poignant moment when i realized that one day this is what it gets down to for every one of us.
~janet
I think unless you are single, or partnered with a fellow minimalist, compromises will always have to be made. Deb, it sounds like you’ve been a wonderful and supportive daughter and I think your mom is fortunate to have you. :)
@Janet
Isn’t it odd society encourages to spend our life accumulating and in the end all those hours of time, money and effort towards material goods mean nothing? Though I’m late to the game, I’m so glad I’ve learned that lesson.
Deb,
Thanks for sharing!
My situation doesn’t mirror yours, but I share your frustration to some degree. My SO likes to acquire things, BUT she is super organized and a neat freak. She does envy my outlook on minimalism, but I don’t see her becoming a “convert”. That’s fine.
My own attitude towards things has evolved dramatically over the years and I don’t feel the need to “have” this or that because someone else does. I am actually happier and functional with less and I can focus on the few things I have decided to keep. One example is the fact that I have my entire music collection on my Ipod and don’t have to cart around a bunch of CDs anymore.
My parents, on the other hand kept mostly everything and believed that one day it will come in handy. More on that later, lol.
I would to hear back from Gil, who put his entire music collection on his iPod and got rid of all the CDs. I, too, have my entire music collection on my iPod but I simply can’t bear to give up about 75 of the CDs (out of the 500+ I used to have). I’m not sure why, other than that I like to look at the covers and read the liner notes occasionally. I-need-to-get-rid-of-them-all! How? Help!
I dread the day that something happens to my parents and I have to go through that very stuffed house! My mom is even going to the effort of cataloging, listing an estimated value of, & describing all of her jewelry and antiques she’s collected so that I “won’t yard sale or throw out all her valuables”. Yikes!! I may wind up letting an estate sale deal with it as there will also be a ton of farm equipment and such too–my dad is a farmer.
Kat,
Some 20 years ago, when the price of silver was up, my mom and dad sold their sterling flatware. I was a bit miffed that they didn’t offer it to me. Now I am so grateful that they liquidated at least some of their valuables, using the funds for travel. I am now the owner of a very lovely, huge, solid walnut wardrobe (a “shrank”) hand carved in Germany in the early 1800s. Beautiful but weighs a ton and just doesn’t fit into my lifestyle. Wish there were a way to communicate to relatives, “Yes, it is beautiful and I enjoy it’s history/value but who I am just does not include much stuff.”
Perhaps offer to select just a few small things and help her sort and sell the rest using the funds for doing some fun things? Thing is that it is uncomfortable to confront mortality and/or give up the stuff that seems to provide comfort for many.
I have liquidated four estates for my relatives. No fun, much guilt.
Good luck
I am trying desperately to declutter my mom’s home. While visiting last summer I found the vermin much too disgusting to stay there.. She follows me around like I am going to steal something which drives me nuts. Like you she has cleared out several relatives homes in the past 20 years but she kept too much! I get your guilt but with my disabled sister in the house I can’t wait for her to expire. I am going to suggest she select the most important things she needs and liquidate the rest to fund my sisters kid ‘s education. With a goal maybe we can reach detente.
Over six years ago I helped my mom moved from her home to an assisted living home. She had a thirty-day escrow, so I took a legal pad and pen and walked her into each room of her home, asking, “What do you want to take?” I wrote those things down, boxed them, then donated everything else–and she had some very nice stuff! I felt proud of her for letting go of it all. Two months ago, I moved her from assisted living into a small 10×11 room in a board and care home. I did the same thing. I made a list of what was to go and then donated everything else. With each of those moves, my mother ended up with just the right amount of stuff, and each time her living space looked beautiful and uncluttered. Now I’m using the process on myself to prepare for my next move. It really works!
I’ve always carried less through life than friends’ or relatives’, but in my mid 50s I find myself suffocating in too much stuff. With each of my parent’s death, I accumulated more and more. My home can handle it, but with several health issues that leave me exhausted much of the time, I can’t keep up with the constant cleaning and sorting of the mounds of papers and things. I’ve decided to get rid of much of my stuff. I’m preparing in the midst of winter to start posting them on a Facebook Buy and Sell group as soon as spring erupts. The old books, extra towels and Christmas items I no longer put up won’t be hard to part with. But I feel the disapproving glower of my mom’s stare as I put certain things on the list like her “cherished” 10 piece (junk) china, her expensive bed and linens and the like. I say “cherished” because I never saw it as a child. MAYBE once a year she would pull out this china for Thanksgiving. It needed to be hand washed. It is not attractive in my opinion. Things we love should be used and enjoyed, I think. When I went to look it up on the internet, I discovered replacement pieces are inexpensive. My mom was holding onto and not using CHEAP CHINA! I nearly cried imagining all the stress this gift from her mom had caused her. Well, not me! It is going with so many other things so I can make room for the things that really matter. I have the room, but do not want to spend the next 30 years worrying about ugly, cheap items I hate just because I imagine my mom’s disapproving glare. I know she’s in a better, care-free place. She doesn’t want that for me either. So I am going to take a nice picture before these “heirlooms” go out the door. There’s no other reason except for me to look at them when I’m old and say to my sister, “Remember when I got rid of this junk and led a happier life?” THAT is a memory worth cherishing.
When my 88 year old mom had to move from a large condo with 4 walk-in closets to a nursing home, all 4 children tried to sort her things.
She is most upset that we didn’t save her 80 plus rolls of toilet paper and her clothes. I bring her a small selection of her books and letters to the nursing home when I visit. I feel lucky I discovered minimalism and was never a packrat.
We recently had a relative die in his hoard. It was sobering for all the pack rats in the family. I really think there is a genetic component to this disease. I keep throwing things out, recycling, giving things away, and telling myself I don’t need another thing. A nephew who collects papers and has a hard time parting with things has been trying to learn how to sort. I just gave my daughter a big box of scented candles I had gotten as gifts and never used. Now she says she has a lifetime supply.
I still have a few display items from my mother and MIL. There is more to get rid of and every time I fill another bag to give away, I think about what else could go. My husband, who has a far bigger collection of clothing than I do, has started to realize he doesn’t wear all his clothes. We probably will stay out of the stores until after Christmas because we usually give cash.
I hear older people talk about how their kids don’t want their–china, crystal, silver, furniture–whatever. My mother had a lot of monogrammed linens that got all moldy and smelled bad. For 45 years, I’ve used the stainless steel and Corelle we got for our wedding. I have a few nice things, maybe a boxful, and that’s it. I hope no one gives us anything expensive for our 50th anniversary.
My 42 year old daughter moved back in with us a year ago. She has ADD and is very disorganized. We keep getting rid of her stuff.