“So, I hear you’re a minimalist. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Last week, a reader emailed me for advice on how to “come out” as a minimalist. She wanted to explain to friends and family her desire to live simply—in a way they would understand, and without sounding judgmental of their lifestyles.
I think it’s a fabulous question, and imagine she’s not the only one struggling with this issue. For outside the cozy confines of the blogosphere, a declaration of “I’m a minimalist” may very well be met with, “You’re a minima-WHAT?” Smirks, raised eyebrows, and quizzical looks are not out of the realm of possibility, either.
I’m lucky—I eased my way into minimalism long before it was a popular Google search. As I decluttered slowly and methodically, year in and year out, my friends and family had plenty of time to assimilate my lifestyle. Though they may have found my empty rooms, bare walls, and sparse wardrobe quirky, they simply accepted it as who I was.
Those of you on a faster track to freedom-from-stuff, however, may find things a bit more challenging on the friends-and-family front. Never fear – I’ve written this Quick and Easy Guide to Coming Out as a Minimalist, just for you:
1. Tell the truth. Be honest about why you’re embracing a minimalist lifestyle. For example: you’d like to be more mobile, you’re concerned about the environment, or you’d like to be able to find things in your home without mounting a search expedition.
2. Focus on the positive. Explain the benefits you’ll experience from adopting a minimalist lifestyle, rather than the negatives associated with a non-minimalist lifestyle. For example: instead of saying you gave up your TV because it’s a soul-sucking time-waster, explain how you’ve found more time to read, write, and pursue your hobbies without it.
3. Give concrete examples. Many people have a hard time relating to “minimalism” as an abstract concept. However, if you tell them exactly *why* having less stuff makes you happier, they’re much more likely to understand. For example: you’re striving to declutter your home so you’ll have more space to work on your art, play with your kids, or do yoga.
4. Make it about you. “I don’t want to end up like you” is not the way to tell your debt-ridden, shopaholic sister-in-law that you’ve decided to consume less. Concentrate the attention on your finances, your clutter, and your closet space.
5. Don’t preach. Banish the phrase “you should” from your minimalist vocabulary, and don’t in any way suggest that your lifestyle is superior to someone else’s. If you put people on the defensive, they’re much less likely to understand or embrace your choices.
6. Show instead of tell. Here, as in many aspects of life, actions speak louder than words. Invite people over to your newly-decluttered space, so they can see your calm, spacious, and serene environment. The sight of an elegantly-spare room is much more powerful, and compelling, than a vague concept like “minimalism.”
7. Ask for help. Recruit a friend to help you declutter your wardrobe, or destash your hobby supplies. It’ll give them a first-hand look at how and why you’re paring down your possessions. Not only will it help them understand your choices; it may also inspire them to do the same!
8. Have a sense of humor. If someone pokes fun at your mattress on the floor, or teases you about your empty cabinets, smile and take it in stride. Appreciate the lighter side of living outside the status quo.
9. Steal my words (and those of other minimalist bloggers). If you’re not feeling eloquent enough to explain your decision to others, let us say it for you. Whether you’re struggling to explain your lack of a couch, your limited number of shoes, or your desire to downsize to a tiny home, you’re sure to find a relevant blog post you can forward along. At the very least, they’ll know you’re not the only “crazy minimalist” out there. ;-)
10. Don’t assume a negative reaction. In fact, you may be surprised how many others share your desire to declutter. Mention offhand to your colleague or neighbor that you’re “downsizing your possessions,” and you’ll likely be met with a knowing sigh, and a comment to the effect of “I’d like to do that, too.”
It’s never easy to make a dramatic lifestyle change, let alone explain that choice to those around you. However, with a little tact, grace, and charm, you can help others understand the joys you find in a minimalist lifestyle—and perhaps even inspire them to join you on your journey!
Does anyone else have tips or experiences to share on “coming out”? Let us know in the Comments!
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
I especially like number 5. Don’t preach. That applies to so many aspects in life. If everyone would respect other people’s choices the world would be a lot more peaceful. By defenition our way to do something isn’t better or worse than someone elses way to do something. It’s just different. This I learned when expatriated to the USA 15 years ago. While in a bank office and hearing how we had to make a transaction I said: “that’s strange”. Whereto my husband replied: “it’s not strange, it’s just different”.
Above all, what is a minimalist, I guess if we look at the Internet we can find many defenitions and many people who are minimalizing their own unique way.
Thanks for this wonderful post that is applicable to so many things in life.
I have to echo Esther above. Number 5 is probably the most important to me as well. The last thing that we want to do is isolate anyone. 5 also ties into number 4 as well. It is really about our choices and no one else. I would also make another point as not saying anything at all and leading by example. When it takes you 2 minutes to get ready and be on the road vs an hour or if a friend wants to borrow an item and it takes you 2 seconds to retrieve it vs an hour! I have just been going with leading by example for right now because I also want to minimize the arguments and negativity but it is inevitable that I will have to eventually make my stand known.
Thanks a lot for this post!
Sometimes people want to give me things because they think I’m poor. I mean I must be poor, right? I don’t have much stuff.
100% agree. My husband’s family thinks that because we don’t have certain things can’t be because we don’t WANT them.
Thanks for another great post! If I was to declare a favourite point, it would definately be #10! In Holland we have a saying, which roughly translates to: “Often we suffer most from the suffering that we fear”. In Dutch it rhymes and sounds so much cooler, but the meaning stays the same ;)
We can often have a fear of suffering from something and usually it never even comes along! When I “came out” for being a minimalist (well, I tell new people about it every day, so it’s an ongoing process) there surely were some negative reactions and some mocking… but I’ve found that most people actually admire our lifestyle (most often in a sense of “I wish I could do that..”)
I’m seeing we both intended our blogs to be explanations of the lifestyle and to make it clear to people that it isn’t some far-off goal, but instead something everyone is able to do :D
Greetings from the Netherlands!
I own 100 personal items. It really doesn’t come up in coversation that often. Honestly, people don’t seem to notice that I am wearing the same 5 outfits over and over, and if they do, they are too polite to say. When it does come up in coversation, people are often intrigued. People want to know exactly how I count things (is a pair of socks one thing or two?) what do my children think of it? (it makes the house easier to clean) what possessed me to try to do such a thing? (I wanted time with my kids while they are still at home.) Often, folks will come up to me weeks or months later and report “I have been thinking aobut your 100 things and….
And I would say never forget the importance of #8: Humor. When people tell me they don’t have time to declutter or cook from scratch or read, I tell them once I gave up the TV I had to find something to do with all the free time.
Fawn – I, too wear the same 5 outfits to work over and over. Nobody ever notices. In fact, I’ve asked a close coworker friend if she ever noticed and she was shocked when I told her. (she would definitely tell me the truth). It’s probably because all of my outfits are black or charcoal gray items of classic styles (turtlenecks, cardigans, etc). That, and the fact that nobody really notices us as much as we might imagine. :-)
I was never anxious to please the mob, for what pleased them,I did not know,and what I did know,was far removed from their comprehension.
(Epicurus)
What difference does it make what people think, you are not required to live their lives.Only your own.
Thanks for that quote, Gary!
While I do have more than 100 things I’m like Fawn in that I don’t talk a lot about my minimalist lifestyle with others. People either notice or they don’t and sometimes it comes into conversations but usually it doesn’t.
Good friends and family know that “I like a lot of space” and “I don’t need anything else for the house”. I think since I have had these tendencies for life it just seems natural to those around me, though different.
People do the same thing to me when I tell them I am a vegan. So when I add minimalist on top of that, well…you get the picture. Those close to me accept and embrace me and my choices; those who don’t are not allowed to ‘clutter’ my life. So be it. Love your blog!
I’ve recently been discussing my desire to be a minimalist with many friends and family. I brought the idea up to my family through your blog about the items a Minimalist most wants for Christmas and continued the discussion when I went home for Thanksgiving and began paring down the boxes that still reside with my parents (which was well received!) While as an immediate family we are still far from finding alternatives to wrapped Christmas gifts, I find that leading by example is the most efficient way to spread the message. For example, it has become a joke that for the past few years I have asked for a barnyard animal (goats, water buffalos) from Heifer International. The whole family has gotten wind of this and this year my extended family (my mother is one of 8) have decided to start a tradition of donating to a charity as a group (there are about 50 of us!) rather than the typical gift exchange. I never encouraged them to do this, simply planted a seed by doing something out of the ordinary.
As for discussions with friends, I find the more I talk about the benefits of minimalism (more time to focus on relationships, more money to spend on experiences, greater ability to be mobile) the more folks I find that are also pursuing a similar goal. They may not call is minimalism but are taking steps to add value to their lives by simplifying.
I don’t going around telling people I’m a minimalist and my good friends and family already know and some are moving in that direction themselves. But we are thinking of getting rid of some basic furniture (like the couch, having nothing but some floor pillows or something – must think about it)and I realize I am dreading a little having to explain that anytime someone new comes over. Like Rick said, I would feel badly if people thought we were destitute so I’ve been thinking of ways to prepare them if and when the situation arises! Great post and non-judginess is crucial!
Great, positive post miss minimalist. Like most things, its better to live the walk rather than talk the talk, and when we talk to keep it positive and non-finger pointing. Thanks for all the great reminders.
I never offer up to people that I’m a minimalist. It typically emerges in conversation (“Did you see Top Chef last night? What? You don’t get Bravo?” *GASP*), when they see where I live (a small studio condo) or when they ask me why I drive an ancient car (because it’s paid off!). Interestingly, people immediately project themselves into my life and say, “I could never live without…” cable tv, a guest room, a garage for my stuff, etc. I just respond and say I made these choices so I could free up money to pursue my passion of international travel. That usually puts it into perspective for them, but mostly people still can’t relate. You’ve provided some great tips above to help faciliate conversations with people who are interested in my lifestyle and want to learn more.
I love the phrase “attraction rather than promotion” – which is what you are alluding to in your post when you talk about not preaching and showing rather than telling. Live authentically the way you choose and if people are attracted to the way you live then they’ll want to talk to you about it.
I think that this is a lovely guide. It’s long on compassion and short on judgement – perfect.
These are wonderful ways to handle comments. I especially think humor goes a long way. Thank you for another great post!
Hey Kellie, same for me! Most people think the fact that I’m vegan is so weird that we never even get to the topic of minimalism…lol.
I enjoyed your post, especially point#5, along with many others. My husband and I facilitate a marriage course, and we always reinforce the practice of making “I” statements rather than “you” statements. I’ve found it effective withmy hubby, kids, my boss, with my kids’ teachers, etc. In all areas of life we can have better outcomes if we use this non confrontational approach!
Great post (and I loved the nod to Seinfeld). Thought you might be interested in this: Coming out of the (cluttered) minimalist closet | the zen parent http://bit.ly/h3LLjy
Thank you for this post. I was asked to talk with my local young parents support group on minimalism tomorrow and have come up with an activity to get ideas flowing but have been debating on how best to introduce the topic in a way that will make sense and potentially lead people to embrace a simpler lifestyle. What I had been lacking in my intro (which is fairly fluid anyway-I prefer to keep it conversational and just have a few points I want to hit on) was personal examples. One question sure to come up is why I want to live this way. And I need to figure out a good way to phrase it that will help them see why (spend more time with my kid, less stress, less need to work at a job that takes me away from my kid, etc). Not that I am opposed to offending them, more that I want the discussion to be productive. Thank you for the tips.
What a great post!
I’ve had a difficult time trying to explain to family and friends why I have “converted” to minimalism. Like it is some sort of cult. I find that most people really don’t want to understand the concept.
But I have also found a group that are extremely interested. I think that when I started my own blog and linked posts via Facebook, that it gives the option to the people who are interested to find out more. I don’t have many people who subscribe to my blog yet. But I do have a lot of traffic.
I think #9 is my favorite. The minimalist blogging community is very helpful. I have not found a better group of people in years.
Kellie and Sarah I also don’t eat meat, rarely dairy and I’m going off eggs. I have also gone the way of a radcal minimalist in the last year and although I don’t scream it from the roftops, I LOVE the chance to bring up both topics. Although I agree that preaching is bad, I do live a minimal and meat-free life because I’m passionate about not wasting the earth’s resources and not murdering our fellow earthings for the sake of consuming their flesh! I am passionate about these reasons and I love creating discussion about it because it plants the seed for someone to think about it later on.
Also I’ve started noticing lately that more and more people that I have had these discussions with are coming up to me weeks and even months later and saying how, although they don’t identify themselves as vegetarian or mminimalist, they are are definately beginning to follow the path.
So don’t preach but don’t hold back from lively discussion about things you are passionate about. It will also help confirm to yourself what your true reasons are for the life you choose to live!
Debbie I completely agree with you about not preaching.
I’ve only been minimalist a little over a year but I’ve been vegetarian for 14 years. I learned very early on to not bring it up at all and if people are curious let them ask the questions. The only time I make an exception is if someone who doesn’t know me well invites me to dinner. Then they get the big list of restrictions in my diet (I’m strict about it and won’t do a dash of chicken stock in soup kind of thing).
Cheers,
Tanja
I’m not a committed minimalist – but have been without a TV for over 20 years…some of the comments I receive about that are extremely similar…amazing how some people see your choice as a judgment of their choices…can we not choose for ourselves?
Haha, it’s amazing how people think one would DIE without a television set….
When in reality our lives are so much more interesting.. we simply don’t have time to waste it sitting in front of the tube :D
Love the guide… I’m dreaming of it, have mentioned to a couple of friends who, to my surprise, echoed the sentiment.
I have a long way to go… no room for me to get in the closet, so not yet coming out. ;)
After we retired we moved into a 24′ motorhome so we could go explore this great country of ours. Instant minimalist! Everyone understood the need to downsize to travel the way we want so explanations were easier for us than for people living in a house or apartment–although plenty of people couldn’t get why we also sold our house and all its contents. We just tell them it’s a lot easier to travel if you aren’t worrying about the pipes freezing back home and, when we do go back home to visit, we bring our new house with us.
#5 and #6..just go happily through your life and IF someone asks, ok, go ahead explain, otherwise just LIVE~!!! : )
Oh this is perfect!
Very nice post. I will remember this tips and even fowarded this to my mom…she is having a hard time understanding why I feel less is more.
Thanks Sarah and Debbie – good to know there are more and more of us around. I also conserve our resources as much as possible and am really trying to cut down on my paper usage i.e. bills, statements, etc. Computers and scanner are wonderful for this! As for television, I still have mine because I just haven’t been able to get to this point yet. However, our viewing consumption in my household has dropped significantly to just a few hours per week and that is mostly the animal planet and National Geographic channels.
I encountered a lot of resistance especially at gift giving time when I started trying to explain my desire to thin out the stuff I had accumulated. But in time most have come to accept my choice and several have decided to follow along. Good suggestions!
Any idea for breaking the news for my family of 6 (4 children under 8).
We have a very loving family whose gift giving is not the blessing it should be.
They try. I just want to not accumulate
30 new things per year per child that they really don’t need.
Cheryl
“show instead of tell”…wise words. thx for another great post.
#2 & #8 describe my way:
i don´t tell people that i am or want to be a minimalist but once they are at my place, they can see it. when the why” question pops up, i try to focus it on the “because i REALLY like it that way”-answer. people seem to think that minimalism is ascetic, hard, painful. so i use phrases like: ” i am so lazy. i like to lay in the sun instead of dusting the shelves”.
Ack! I was typing and I hit a button and the whole thing disappeared! All right, take two.
Thank you for this Francine! I’ve had a really hard time discussing my minimalism with people I’m close with. Most of them just don’t get it or seem to be threatened by it, like I’m coming to their house with a dumptruck in tow ready to attack their closets!
These tips are great and I can’t even pick a favorite out of the ten. I’m going to save this post to my desktop and refer to it the next time I have “the conversation” with people.
Cheers,
Tanja
I got a wake up call when my house’s value plummeted in the recent real estate burst.
I am Asian, and I grew up minimalist. Our parents raised us not to enjoy but not waste stuff. I immigrated to the US when I was 12, so I have a little bit of my culture memory left, but over time, I forget, and I’ve been conditioned to think like an American, the motto is “more is better” I went to college, after graduation, bought a new car, huge tv, townhouse, then sold TH and jumped on the McMansion wagon couple years ago. My whole family’s been brainwashed too, especially one of my brothers thought I don’t have enough furnitures, so my house is not cozy according to him. He lives in a McMansion with expensive furnitures and over clutter stuff, it’s sad.
I remember when I was working part-time during college, I was around 20ish, then I was chit-chatting with one of my colleagues, she told me she owned more than 50 pairs of shoes, I told her I owned probably maximum 8 or 9 – sneaker, dress shoes, sandals, boots, etc. To me seems like a lot. I can live with only 5 :-) Come on I was in college, student-loan-poor, and saving for a car & house. She had this horrified look on her face as if I was from another planet. Then I had a bf, and I told him the same thing, he dragged me out shopping for shoes! He told me it’s absurd to own less than 10 pairs of shoes. He started convincing me to fill up my closet with clothes, shoes, and handbags. . .gosh so materialistic, I got a big headache when I went to his house, so much clutter, anyway the relationship did not work out
Now I am with a minimalist partner, and we have decluttered junks on Craigslist.
It does not matter what race/nationality/origin you are, as long as you come to USA and live for a while, you are brainwashed to jump on the “more, more, more the more the better” mentality. . .
It’s sad how we associate material possession with happiness. . .
I am NOT ashamed to be a minimalist.
I am gradually reverting back to my previous minimalistic shelf thanks to the inspirational sites like “missminimalist” etc I enjoy reading your blog :-)
sorry I meant “raised us to ENJOY, and not waste stuff”
my favorites are #5 & #6, I have used it on my family and they work like a charm.
I’ve lived in usa for 2 decades now. I visited a country in Asia couple years ago, it’s sad people over there have become so materialistic too. The rich ones are so into name brands it’s crazy. They also think “more is better” My ex husbands’s niece wanted a huge wedding that her parents paid for. Her husband already owns a car, she does not even drive, because there are so many commute options in this city, yet she also wanted a new car for herself just so that she can say she owns a car. . .so sad
Lovely post! I just say that I am an “aspiring” minimalist and try very hard not to be too enthusiastic as I know it can come across as judgemental, which I really don’t feel. To each their own but it makes me happy to live this way. I never liked TV, ever, and that is one thing I can get a bit preachy about.
I am really enjoying your blog and all the comments.
HA HA–I’m also a vegan minimalist. When asked about how I can live this way, I refer people to Francine’s item about her burglary.
Hi Thanks for this post, but it really didn’t fit my need.
I need to address the fact that I don’t want an additional
10 items from each close relative for each of my 4 children ages 7 and under.
It adds up to 50 additional items.
Given, family gives clothing and books, but each person cannot resist at least 3 or 4 “cool toys” they just had to get for my kids.
1. I don’t want my kids to think that everything is disposable.
2. I want my kids to treasure the few items that they actually wil have childhood memories with.
Someone please help!!!!
I don’t see the point of the whole ‘coming out’ thought stream.
I try to live a ‘show me don’t tell me’ philosophy as much as possible. This is how I live, make observations and draw your own conclusions as you will.
But I see the use of the pointers for folks who have to ‘deal’ with the various issues that come with ‘de-junking’ your life.
Quality content as always Miss M.
Mick
I’ve never had very many clothes or shoes, just wear the same things in different combinations. No one ever said anything. I’m 65 and I own 4 pairs of slacks. Recently, I cleaned out my daughter’s car because the mess bothered me, not her. I took all the plastic water bottles to be recycled. I don’t go to her home because the mess bothers me. I don’t have more than a 1 month supply of anything.
My friends all have the latest status purses, get their hair dyed and nails done. They laughingly suggest I should do the same. I would rather have fewer chemicals and I don’t need a large purse. I have suggested they thin out some of the clothes in their overflowing closets. No one comments on the fact that I wear the same shirts and pants over and over.
Yesterday I had lunch with a friend. The sweatshirt I had on was 20 years old. I am filling up another bag for Goodwill. We were talking with friends who travel with a whole suitcase full of shoes. They take 4 or 5 suitcases everywhere they go. I said we each travel with a carryon and a tote bag. Turns out, they buy a lot of souvenirs. I said the little stubs and occasional earrings were the only souvenirs I needed.
I have never said I was a minimalist. My sister says I’m the opposite of my pack rat mother. I like to sort and throw things out, unlike most of my family. My husband, who loves to shop like his parents, now knows for any one thing he buys, at least one or probably two, things are leaving. When friends say they buy mountains of paper goods, I say I buy a 4 pack of toilet paper. My sister in law says my house is always clean. That’s the way I like it.
When living a “counter culture” life style, sometimes our simple existence is considered a threat or condemnation. My husband and I chose to live without TV when we married in 1975;we almost had to bar the door to keep family from hauling one into our house. When we chose to get out of debt, get out of banking, home educate our children, live in more or less the boonies, our families and friends still thought we were crazy…and a threat to their “secure, abundant lives”. Gradually, over the 40 years of our marriage, they’ve just grown to accept our “quirkiness”. They also now see the sense of our choices. They still never pass up a chance to needle us, though, if we seem to make a choice that isn’t minimalistic or counter culture…you know, like they are happy we aren’t “perfect”…Sigh.
Jurino, I just took a peek at your new blog and I think I’ll be checking it out on a regular basis. Congratulations!