I often receive emails from people who want to pare down, but are frustrated with their partner’s/children’s/parent’s/family’s reluctance to get on board. They feel that no matter how much of their own stuff they purge, they’ll always be tripping over, shoving aside, or otherwise dealing with someone else’s clutter.
I have to admit, that’s a tough situation. Unfortunately, begging, pleading, evangelizing, or threatening can have the opposite effect—and result in making them more determined to hang on to their stuff.
Don’t despair! Your words may fall on deaf ears, but there’s a few things you can do to (gently) prod those clutterbugs in the right direction:
1. Designate clutter-free zones. Declare that all public and family spaces (living room, dining room, kitchen) will henceforth be clutter-free areas; it’s a great way to confine clutter to its owner’s personal space. If any wayward items land in these zones, return them immediately to their owner. Better yet, let your family know that anything left behind will be considered a voluntary “donation” to the Goodwill.
2. Set limits. Introduce your family to the concept of limits. Whether it’s your child’s toybox, your teenager’s closet, or your spouse’s craft room/workshop, explain that they’re welcome to fill it to the brim; but once it starts overflowing, they’ll have to purge some of the old before adding anything new.
3. Set an example. The most persuasive argument for decluttering is a clean and serene space. Once your family sees your pared-down cupboards, your roomy closet, or your minimal workspace, they may very well be inspired to follow suit!
4. Make it a game. Plan a Family Decluttering Day, and introduce a little healthy competition. Task each member of the household with purging their own things, and declare the person with the biggest pile of castoffs the decluttering champion. (Add a special prize—like letting the winner pick a movie or restaurant to celebrate—for more incentive.)
5. Make it charitable. Find a local charity in need of clothes, toys, games, books, etc.—and ask family members if they have anything to spare for those in need. An opportunity to help others can be a wonderful catalyst for decluttering.
6. Make it profitable. If you have the time and inclination, offer to help family members sell their castoffs on eBay. You may be able to take a shortcut with young children, by “buying” their stuff from them (say for $1 per toy or game), and donating their rejects to charity.
7. Make them clean. Cleaning around stuff makes housekeeping a hundred times harder. Ask your spouse or child to do a top-to-bottom scrub of a room, drawer, or closet—including taking everything out to reach every nook and cranny. Chances are good that some of the “junk” might not make it back in!
Are you struggling with OPC? Or have you found a great way to get your spouse or kids on the minimalist path? Let’s get a support group going in the Comments!
This is true, it is very difficult to live with other people’s clutter. When I started paring down my stuff and even household stuff; I thought DH would not support me in decluttering his possesions but surprisingly he had pared down 80% of his stuff within a month and became minimalist before me. ;) I am lucky to have such supporting family.
In our early days of marriage when we were somewhat more tempestuous, I began a policy of throwing my husband’s messy things out the nearest window.
If he didn’t return shoes to the drawer under the stairs, out they went. If he left tools sitting on the window sill beyond the life of the DIY project, out they went.
This, as you can imagine, lead to some humdingers of “discussions” so I adjusted the policy to give him an empty drawer. Things got thrown in the drawer until it was too full then he would clear it out. Not quite as satisfying as hurling things out a window but my sanity was saved and, just as importantly, our marriage has survived.
:-)
Karen (Scotland)
I was delighted to see this post today. I was one of those people who emailed asking for advice on reluctant partner’s mess. I envy those people who have found that their spouses got on board. Mine pulls against me the harder I try to declutter, even though I never attempt to declutter his stuff and wouldn’t, out of respect. I often find myself worn out from the constant filling back up of previously decluttered spaces, it feels like swimming against the tide.
I like the Setting Limits and Designate Clutter-free Zones suggestions. I have reclaimed a table in the living room for myself and 99% of the time it remains clear because every time he leaves stuff there I move it immediately to his coffee table, which is a few layers deep at the moment. The rule is, when stuff starts to fall off the table, it’s time to declutter. And no storing stuff under the table. That used to serve as an extra “shelf” for his papers and magazines (and sweet wrappers, for heaven’s sake!) and the mess spread to the left towards the door, and to the right towards the TV. It was like an overstuffed drawer but worse, because it was all on view! And our front door opens straight into the living room, so you couldn’t even bypass it with a visitor! It was a Feng Shui-er’s nightmare.But after the last declutter I gently suggested that we keep under the table completely clear. My intention is to turn the tables and allow the clear space to spread, instead of the mess.
What makes it difficult is when the other person involved doesn’t see any VALUE in tidiness, even when you set a good example. So unfortunately suggestions 3 – 7 aren’t much help to me – my boyfriend WANTS to live in clutter. It’s how he “knows where everything is” (I beg to differ – he’s forever looking for keys, bankcards, etc.)
I like Karen’s empty drawer suggestion, I think I might implement that – thanks for sharing, Karen!
Ahhhh my minimalist efforts are only slightly rubbing off on my comic book collecting bf. Over the years his DVD collection is down by 75%, his “toys” are down 50%….but o, the books! In general it’s a fairly neat and tidy collection, but it takes up a lot of space in our studio apt. We might not actually have tons of stuff between us, but I struggle with the place looking cluttery with what we do have :(
“Declare that all public and family spaces (living room, dining room, kitchen) will henceforth be clutter-free areas”
I would suggest approaching that as a negotiation, rather than a declaration. Your loved ones may already feel threatened by the sudden change you’ve made in your own life, and making declarations that affect them can cause them to dig in further.
It’s pretty easy to roll negotiations into setting limits. i.e., “Can we agree to keep the shared areas clutter-free, if your workshop is 100% percent your space, and I promise not to hassle you about anything you can fit in there?”
Agreed. Unless you’re a parents talking to your children, it’s hard to make declarations about a shared space. You might need to compromise.
Yes, I would agree with this. If you share your house with your partner it is their house too.
I recently started sharing an office with my boss who is the messiest person I know. Because she has her stuff in piles everywhere and there is nowhere to put my workstuff there is no alternative but to put it on the floor/my part of the desk. So to the outsider it seems as if I am just as messy! Whenever she goes away I secretly recycle stuff and put things away.. I reckon that if I only do a little bit at a time, she won’t notice. Maybe that is a strategy, a ever-so gradual decluttering, 1 item a day until eventually it is all gone..
My husband is fairly minimalistic, but he does tend to want to hang on to things “just in case”. What we normally do is to hang clothing backwards on hangars. If the hangar is still backwards in six months time, out it goes. We will also store things in another closet (we’re empty nesters and although we don’t need a house as big as the one we live in, we don’t want to increase our property tax bill either). If the things are still in the normally empty “storage closet” in six months, out they go too. Anything new coming into the house must replace at least one thing going out.
Interestingly enough, there are three houses in our neighborhood for sale. Each one had a garage sale last weekend. I interpret this as being advised to get rid of clutter so the house shows better. It is unfortunate that most people don’t take this assessment on a daily basis. Getting rid of clutter not only makes your house show better, it is much easier to take care of and maintain and it makes YOU feel better when everything is neat and tidy and in its place, (at least for me it does). All of the houses in our neighborhood have two-three car garages. With the exception of one other neighbor, we are the only ones who actually park our cars in our garage. Everyone else seems to have the things filled with “stuff”.
That being said, I have a way to go, but I am getting there.
I live in Montana and I find it odd that especially during winter months some of our neighbors can’t use their garages because they are full of stuff. The worst is the neighbors that seem to collect vehicles. Just more time wasting stuff to hold onto. I feel bad because they are missing out on so much life.
BF sold one of five ‘project’ motorbikes a while ago but only to pay his mortgage. I could scream at the amount of project stuff in the garage that has lain there for years. However as I recently moved to his and rented out my own (more rentable) home in order to save him financially I could scream so loud that you’d hear me across the pond because most of *my* stuff still lives in the garage along with his junk: not only did he not make space for me, he bought more things in the run up to my move. I asked if he was dropped on his head as a child, as this does not make any sense to me. It is impossible to keep the house clean, and I do not allow visitors in because I am mortified.
To say this has put a strain on our relationship is politely mincing with words. Unfortunately he tries my patience in so many ways that I’d normally brush off if it wasn’t for living in this squalor, and it is squalor. I was never a neat freak but I was clean and tidy, this has never been my way. Our 6-year relationship is going down the pan. I have stated the I want to wind up our small business and leave. Sad, but those are the consequences of imposing your clutter and filth on another person.
My family, and extended family, have a garage sale each year. Adding 3 or more families stuff to a sale gets you more people when you put that in the classified section of the newspaper. My husband and kids hated departing with their stuff before but now that they get their own garage sale bins to put items in throughout the year and their own sticker color with $ they want to sell item for they are very happy each year at the outcome.
I am very fortunate to have a partner who is quite supportive when it comes to paring down our belongings. Even though once in a while he’ll buy things for his latest and greatest hobby. To his credit, he DOES use these things, but they often clutter up our living room. Still he eventually gets the hint to clean up his stuff and is all about only having what’s necessary.
My family, especially my father, is a whole other story. My father works from home, so he has his own office, which started out with a desk, but it filled up with clutter (particularly paperwork) he got a table to place his laptop and do work on and even with that table, he started spreading his clutter to the dining room table! Whenever my mother suggested that he try to clean up, he would balk and say that he didn’t want her poking her nose in his stuff. He would also use the excuse that he doesn’t have time since he travels a lot for his job. Little by little though, he is being convinced that his clutter IS a problem and that he needs to start doing something about it!
I feel lucky I live on my own! I can’t see how I could ever live with a hoarder. If I ever decide to try internet dating I think I’ll specify “hoarders need not apply” ;)
I wish I was back in your position. Don’t ever be tempted to live with a clutterbug, it’ll drive you insane. I have lost any ability to organize my life as a result of BF’s mess. It is hell and I plan to leave at the earliest opportunity.
Oh, boy, can I relate! I’m pretty minimal and live alone, but as the eldest (and most responsible) of two children, I dreaded with my parents’ clutter after both are dead. They’re both in their early 70s. I felt nothing but relief when, due to freak circumstances with a contractor messing up something very badly, their home (where I grew up) has had to be totally gutted. Virtually everything from the basement to the attic has had to be pitched. My parents have been in the house a little more than 40 years. I just hope that they don’t accumulate as much as been pitched before they die.
Tradd, I’m curious were they devestated by the loss of all their things? I’m just thinking if they weren’t perhaps they will be more philosophical about “stuff” in future and not accummulate so much.
Bonglecat, my mom, at least, was devastated. However, we’re not close at all, so I just felt relief. My dad’s hobbyist stuff was all out in the detached garage, so he didn’t lose as much.
As my kids got older I figured out I wasn’t going to get them to clean their rooms, so I shut the door. They could basically keep whatever they wanted as long as it stayed in their rooms. Now, I did encourage them to clean up occasionally and empty the trash, but it made life a lot simpler for me!
Youngest daughter is 18 and a few years ago she was clearing out some of her “kid” clutter. She came across shoeboxes of rocks! They were all her treasures from through the years! She looked at me and said “Why did you let me keep all these rocks, lol?
Hubby’s clutter is in limited places as well, although his side of the utility room is a wreck!
Great tips!
Bernice
4 things to do slowly
I have also figured out that my kids rooms are THEIR rooms (recently read ScreamFree Parenting and Hal Runkel has a lot to say about this. It’s been interesting to watch and see what happens when they get to decide when to clean up. I did tell them that before they could have the new PJ’s I bought them, they needed to put the clothes all over the floor into their appropriate places, which they did. My 9-year-old has been cleaning her room more, but the 6-year-old’s room is a disaster to the point that I think she is too overwhelmed to start. She has a lot of books strewn about, and as I know a new book or two is on its way from her Nana, I’ll use the same tactic and offer to help her pick up her books before she can have the new ones.
My boyfriend and I have lived together for several years. While he has noticed, and in some cases, even started to share my efforts for removing the clutter from our home…he does have some things that he refuses to pare down. He has a large DVD collection, at least half of which is still wrapped in the store bought plastic because he has never watched them. Is there a good way to upload movies to the computer like you can with your CDs? I think that would be a good compromise if we could find a way to do it. He would still have all of his movies to watch, but we could get rid of the actual DVDs and cases that take up so much room. Does anyone have any ideas on how to do this?
Hey Lauren,
Absolutely! Get an external hard drive. They cost as little as $69. Upload all the dvd’s to the external hard drive and they won’t be sitting too heavy on your hard drive.
Another low-tech approach is to simply get a few cd case binders, the kind that store 50 or 100 cd’s. DVD’s are the exact same size. Put the dvd’s in one binder (or several if he has that many), then throw out (or donate) the individual cases they came in. You’ll cut his whole movie collection down to less than one cubic foot of space.
My DH resists my decluttering efforts sometimes, but he is more likely to “go along” with it if there is some financial incentive. Selling/trading items is a lot easier for him than donating/giving away!
Lauren, when I met my husband I was in awe of his DVD collection! Between the 2 of us we must have had 400-500 DVDs. Many of them had been watched once and some had never been watched but were “too cheap to pass up” We used to go into Walmart and buy 2 or 3 DVDs from the $5 bin…
Anyways, a few months ago we went through and got rid of all the DVDs we really didn’t watch or need. Sent them to Amazon.com’s “trade-in” program and got some $$ out of it, so DH didn’t mind too much. Then a bit later we went through them again and suddenly many of the DVDs that we just HAD to have didn’t really seem so necessary… then again a month later, until we had about 1/2 the DVDs we started out with. Then last week DH took about 25 movies off the shelf and said “These are all the movies I need, we can get rid of the rest.” So I chose my 25 movies and we sent the rest to Amazon. Now I just need to decide what to do with the empty shelving unit LOL
If you have space on your computer, there is a program called DVD Decrypter which can rip movies to your computer. I make no claims as to the legality of such operations, but I know the program exists if you want to use it.
And to whoever mentioned the “backwards hanger” trick for clearing out clothes, I just turned all my husband’s clothes around on January 1st of this year and less than half have been worn. I told him on June 30th I am going through his closet, and if he hasn’t worn something for 6 months we are going to re-assess its place in his wardrobe!
Six months for clothes? The point of one year is so you can go through all the seasons.
If something similar to “seasons” existed for books, you could turn them all upside down in the shelf, or something. My books own me ☹
I convinced my film-obsessed bf to downsize his collection of 450+ to about 75 by saying that there’s always something new to watch, so what was the point in keeping anything that wasn’t his favorite? We have Netflix (but no cable), so that probably convinced him that there really was something new he could always watch. It took some time to get him to come out of that collector mindset, but he now regularly trades in things that he’s no longer interested in to keep it fresh :P
I’ve been facing this recently and blogged about it a while back. I’m doing multi-generational living with my honey and his momma. Patrick and I are both hardcore minimalists and she is on the other side of the spectrum.
What’s worked for us is taking it very slowly and gently. We started with a small non-intimidating outdoor project (an overgrown landscape area in the yard). It doesn’t sound like tackling clutter head-on but it was. There were old pots and random things in that spot. What we did was gave her 100% control over the project (what got tossed, what got moved, which plants stayed etc.). This simple project gave her the confidence that we weren’t going to simply ram our way through her stuff tossing left and right.
We then moved on to bigger and better projects, still on the outside of the home ( a chicken coop, a shed, and other various clutter spots). As we did this she got inspired to do a little decluttering herself.
It’s a slow process but it can be done! Boundaries and respect are the key. Thanks for posting this Francine! Awesome as always.
Thanks for the great advice, Tanja! People can get really defensive about their stuff, so it’s important that they have a sense of control when deciding what to keep and what to throw away!
Hey Brenda,
I was the queen of defensive back when I had my “little clutter problem”. I know that my past experiences have really helped with how I approach the situation. My honey Patrick (a natural minimalist) has such a straightforward approach. He’ll say something like, “Mom this is broken. Get rid of it.”
Defense city! It just brings the barriers straight up. For me a round-about approach and building trust slowly works so much better.
Hey Tanja
Thanks for that great advice. I am terribly bad at round-about approach and convincing people to get any such thing done. But I will definitely try to approach my DH’s mom and dad to get rid of their clutter with their involvement in doing so. Wish me luck :)
Luck! You can do it. Just keep reading Francine here and you’ll get all the inspiration you need to make it happen for your DH’s ma and pa.
“it’s important that they have a sense of control when deciding what to keep and what to throw away”
Agreed! When my husband and I declutter our joint stuff, we have a strict veto policy: if one of us wants to keep it, it stays. We do tend to put such items on probation (i.e., keep for now and revisit in a month), but nobody can force the other to get rid of anything.
I think it’s easier to honestly assess your stuff when you know it’s not “under fire”.
I have used the toy buy-back program with great success. After suffering from over-indulgent grandparents for a few years when they were younger and running out of places to put things, I decided for personal reasons not to have a yard sale ever again (this would be best as they could sell their own things directly). I decided to offer them the prices their items would fetch at Goodwill for payment (this works out to be very little as our Goodwill has very low prices on toy type items even in new condition). We then take the items to donate to Goodwill. I also had to teach them how to sort through their items and decide what to declutter. This was time-consuming, but worth it as both boys can do this independently now. Now that their rooms are nice and uncluttered, they really want to keep them this way. Please note that this whole process went on a little bit at a time over many years before the full effects were realized.
Great post! I did a post about the exact topic a couple of months ago. We’ve been doing renovations and getting ready to move. Here’s my current OPC story (although I call it OPS for Other People’s Stuff…
http://tmsworkbook.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-have-bad-case-of-ops.html
Just got your book from the library and named your site an “Irresistably Sweet” blog over at my site. Thanks.
Last year, I decided I needed a change in my life and threw out nearly 3/4 of my belongings. A shopping cart full of books, three or so bags of clothes, random bags of garbage, thrown away within span of a week. The very next day, my mother, a complete pack rat, started to do the same thing! It’s amazing how just being an example can inspire change.
I was engaged to a guy 2 years ago. We were getting his house ready for me to move into after our wedding. I (not we) spent 3 weeks cleaning out his drawers, cupboards and every packed nook and cranny filled with stuff to be able to fit some of my stuff in it with my 3 teenagers. This man had no children and lived alone and was a pack rat. After finishing up in his basement he lead me out to his garage one day and stood at the foot of the ladder to his attice, told me “he had one last secret he wanted to show me”. After I climbed the ladder, my heart sank and I wanted to cry from exhaustion and frustration. Before my eyes was an attic packed floor to ceiling with more junk. I knew then the relationship was over. I could barely handle a pack rat, but I knew I couldn’t live with a hoarder, the secret he had been keeping from me. I ended the relationship shortly thereafter. I should have known something was up. His mother lives alone and is a major hoarder. Her garage and pole barn are packed with stuff. I realized that is all these people had was their “stuff”.
I think all my whinging and example setting falls on deaf ears, but you can’t blame a minimalist for trying :)
“Set an example. The most persuasive argument for decluttering is a clean and serene space. Once your family sees your pared-down cupboards, your roomy closet, or your minimal workspace, they may very well be inspired to follow suit!”
___________________________________________________
Francine..This is what has worked best with my wife. She is super organized and clean. However, she tends to hang on to stuff more than me. Overall, though, we co-exist peacefully, lol.
We have found a very useful tactic in the shared space to have a large bin/basket for each child, in which we can simply drop the stuff they leave about. They know where to find things that they have left, and we are not having to nag them for each little thing they leave behind, which makes for a more peaceful household. For example, I can simply put the socks in the bin and go about my business without having to call someone in to move them or get bent out of shape that I have to keep looking at them on the floor or put them in the hamper myself. Once a week they have to “empty their bins.” Their room is their space, and often they’ll just dump it in there (which I am OK with as I have decided that they should have ownership over their own personal space.)
Oh, what a great topic! My husband is more of a collector than a hoarder, and he’s been a very hard sell on this “adventure” I’ve been DETERMINED to go on. In fact, I consider this a battle I refuse to lose. I’m pretty pushy and overbearing when it comes to getting rid of the stuff (see Karen above :)) I’ve probably donated roughly 70 bags full of stuff to goodwill and I usually have to hide it. I know this is not the best strategy, and I’ve gotten myself into some serious trouble at times, but my husband has mentioned a couple of times that he is appreciative to have the house look the way it does. I do about 90% of the house cleaning/tidying, so this is about saving time for ME.
Being an example works great on my husband. Numbers 2, 4 and 5 work for my kids.
Thanks for sharing!
Ahem. In my defence, the stuff thrown out the window usually landed on the grass of our garden and could be brought back in undamaged…
But the point was made.
;-)
Karen (Scotland)
I was gently decluttering a little rack, reading through some old correspondence before shredding it. I was gently amused to read the mails were about cluttering and then absolutely HORRIFIED to see the date – 11 YEARS AGO!!!! I’ve been banging on about clutter for 11 years and it’s STILL A MESS!!!
these most definitely work!
a dear friend of mine pointed out the psychology behind the process of being the one making limits. she pointed out that we are always looked upon as the “bad ones” and the “control freaks” because we want to be minimal. but, she pointed out, that it is really the “messies” who are in control, when they don’t have limits.
she asked us to seriously consider how you really want to live, and at what point is enough enough? when you are living with a messy, or a pack rat, or a hoarder, at some point, there is a *point* where one draws the line.
she said that for those of us who want to live more minimally, less cluttered, we have to be firm and draw the line sooner. Why should a common area shared by the whole family be dominated by one, or two, or three people’s stuff? Why not say “no, this is a common area, and a common area is going to be free of everyone’s stuff *except* common stuff?”
She was right. I brought this up to my husband (son of packrats and paper piler), and he agreed.
This was the beginning for “us” as a purging, decluttering, minimalist family — this was some 5 years ago! It was my husband’s first purge *in his life* and we went room by room, closet by closet, day by day! We agreed that he would have a room for himself, and we slowly moved everything from every other room into that room.
When we arrived in that room, we then had to purge and organize it so that he could use it. He was shocked by two things: 1. how much stuff he had to keep, and 2. how much better he felt once the other rooms were clean and open.
It was this second one that really motivated him to continue! We decluttered his “room” and organized it down where he had three book cases 2/3 full, plus the closet (organized into file bins), and then his desk (piles). But, he was happy.
A few years later, we went through and did another purge (i purge quarterly), and he was able to get things down even further. We were living even *more* minimally, and he was finding he was even *less* stressed.
Less stuff meant less anxiety (and he’s anxiety prone).
Last year, we moved to NZ. we sold everything. We packed 25 boxes (small boxes), and put it into storage to move later (books and kitchen). We brought 8 bags with us.
Since we have been here, we’ve lived very minimally. I can clean our place in about an hour. So nice. But DH noticed something again — when the house is even modestly messy (eg, DS’s blocks are all over the floor), DH feels anxious. He has gotten to the point where clutter and mess of any kind really sends him over the edge.
So, it’s been interesting. We moved into our new cottage (about 600 sq ft), and we are setting out to decorate it. I want to do it minimally — all with things we have and/or used items from friends (mis century modern stuff). At first, he starts going on and on about wanting it to be “homey” and “not too stark!” — and I agree that this should be — but then I showed him some pictures.
I showed him pictures of cottages in very minimal design (scandinavian, nothing on the walls, super minimalism); then moderate (some stuff); and then somewhat minimalist. The somewhat minimalist put him right off. He liked the stark.
We got rid of a lot of stuff today (salvation army!), and we hardly own a thing as it is. But we both now feel that less is SO much more. Our son has fewer toys and we are all happy. It’s amazing how well it works. We can put everything DS owns (toy-wise) into two small baskets (one for blocks/wooden toys; one for soft toys), and then he has his ukulele and his drum.
We talked about moving our 25 boxes. And DH said “but where would we put it? do we *really* need it?”
No, I guess not. We’ll probably go to the US to declutter it (or do it via skype with my parents), and perhaps pare it down to about 3 to 5 boxes of stuff. That is the goal, anyway. We shall see. :)
But people can come around, truly.
There are so many examples that I can relate to in the above comments.
I’ve had good luck with going through my spouse’s things and getting rid of obvious junk. Things like: worn out clothes, junk mail, the envelopes from mail,and broken items.
I know this would work for children too because they forget what they have. Beware of toys in the garbage bag that make noise – those will get you busted.
Basically, my advice is be covert. Sneak the junk out and they will be happier for it.
One thing that helps is to control the stuff coming IN. This takes time because you have to constantly be on guard. We’ve been married 50 years, and sometimes there are still problems. Almost every time he leaves the house, I tell him “Do not buy anything”. There has been improvement over the decades. But you wouldn’t believe the stuff the man keeps in his car (that’s okay though because I don’t have to look in his car). His closet is another problem, but I don’t have to look in there either.
Controlling entry of the two daughters’ stuff was a little easier. When they were little, I just didn’t give them much money and they had to put 50% of the money they received from other people in their savings accounts. (Perhaps it wasn’t strange that they got after school jobs as soon as they were 16.) But, when they were 16, they understood the concept of “when you move out in a few years you have to take all of your stuff with you”.
Excellent post and comments, Francine. Thanks for bringing this up, again. Got lots of good ideas from the online community for which I am grateful. Sometimes my DH is on board with my efforts to minimalize our stuff, but at other times I get discouraged when he brings MORE books or other items home. I feel I need to get rid of 2-3 items for every one that comes in in order to stay ahead and make any progress.
Great post!
I’m 24 and I live in a family of pack rats. My dad died almost three years ago and my mother still does not want to get rid of his stuff, for example old suits that my dad wore 20 years ago… I understand the concept of sentimental value but for me, an old picture of my dad in a certain suit is much more valuable than an old suit nobody is ever going wear again and that is full of holes from moths (we have a true infestation that is driving me nuts!!!). I admit, I have a lot of things too, but I am really taking my time to gather information (and this is where your and similar blogs online are of great value) and to really start and change my situation. I will definitely try to change it by setting an example and maybe putting some books available for exchange online… Everything else has to be carefully planned so that my mom doesn’t find the changes to invasive.
found a hint elsewhere cant remember where though, where it mentioned to focus on yourself first, and then tolerate others, let them be themselves and then you can only change you and hope that others follow.
My problem is that he will take a month to two months from the day he said he will clean up which means the mess gets double as messy. I refuse to clean it up knowing it will only last a few days before it will get messy, also I am easily stressed so avoid adding to it by doing know how much worse I feel while cleaning up or and afterward, I have always had problem with cleaning because my mother made such a irritating event, I hate doing it with a passion so I use the short whims and clean after myself to keep things clean. But what should I do if the other half promises to clean even with timeline and then doesn’t clean it? My goal to keep stress free is more important so I don’t want to deal with anxiety of pointing it out each time they don’t and then get promised again which I know it will be a lie until works out to a month from the original promise.
Should I just keep doing what I have been doing keep key areas as clean as possible and when he does decide to clean not helping because it such a panic event where my previous efforts mean nothing anyway?
My problem is that I’m not the head of the household, and the HoH IS something of a hoarder, so I don’t know how to cope. Here’s my situation:
I moved here over 3 years ago to live with my fiance for a couple reasons: trying to make a life out in Colorado was going nowhere, thanks to the terrible economy, and my fiance’s mother is terminally ill, so it was easier on everyone for us to just live here. So, for financial and emotional reasons, as well as reasons pertaining to the physical health of my future mother-in-law, my fiance and I have been living with his parents. His parents own the house and charge us room and board, and we help out where we can.
Now, this is a tiny, blue-collar mountain town surrounded by other tiny, blue-collar mountain towns. The town’s population here is about 9,000, with practically no middle class whatsoever. As a result, good-paying jobs are very scarce, and most of us don’t earn what our nation considers a living wage. My job pays me about half that, actually, and there aren’t really other jobs I can find that would pay me better. As a result, I can’t afford a car, so commuting outside town for a better-paying job is not a current possibility. And because I can’t earn more than what I currently do, I cannot afford to move myself and my fiance out into a place of our own. Even if we COULD afford it, we’d be leaving behind my fiance’s mother to tend to herself while her husband is at work during the day. They rely partially on the income we provide with the room & board we pay, so moving out would leave them with less money than they currently get each month, which would mean they could not afford to hire a live-in nurse or anything.
Now my fiance’s father is the head of the household, and he keeps the house extremely cluttered. MY BIG GOAL is to have a place for my piano keyboard to be set up on a permanent basis so I can get back into making music, pursuing my true passion in life. I want to ultimately get my skillset back up so I can get hired to gigs and eventually quit my current job so I can work full-time as a professional musician. But to do this, I need the space. I’ve tried finding an arrangement with my fiance’s father to have my keyboard set up in the living room or somewhere else where there would be room, but that didn’t last, because he felt it was too inconvenient for it to be there.
I’m turning 30 in a few weeks, and I’m tired of constantly living in this type of cycle, earning so little money, not pursuing the things I love in life, feeling like I’m giving up on my dreams, etc. To make my life work the way *I* want it to, I need more space. I can’t get the space because the house is cluttered, so I would need to either change my future father-in-law’s mind or move out. I can’t move out until I get more money. I can’t get more money until I start taking gigs as a musician. I can’t take gigs until I get my skillset back up. I can’t get my skillset back up until I can practice piano. I can’t practice piano until I have room for my keyboard to be set up. And I can’t have my keyboard set up until I either move out or convince my fiance’s father to declutter.
What do I do?!
Clutter is yet another unregenerate (and extremely annoying) habit. Absolutely NO consideration for other people. My husband’s buddy is moving and wanted to offload some of his stuff. Told my husband, his buddy’s stuff is not our problem. It’s like life is a constant battle against people fixing to invade your space with their crap. What really vexes me is the natural fact that navigating in a cluttered environment doesn’t get any easier as one ages. That’s a no-brainer, but it serms that way too many people are just plain too stupid (and grossly inconsiderate) to have figured out that stuff is far more trouble than it’s worth.
We have my son’s sea bag in our storage space. The other kids took their things when they moved out. I don’t have much and I steadily work at having less. My husband has finally started getting rid of some of his hobby materials. Many years ago, I said the day would come when he wouldn’t need all the heavy stuff. He has been giving away books and fossils to schools. Telescopes have gone to junior colleges. My husband isn’t a hoarder, though. My mother and my daughter are true hoarders, they can’t get rid of anything, ever.
The real hoarders in the family can’t get rid of anything, ever. From 20 year old Dr. Bills to threadbare clothes a true hoarder finds value in everything. My mother saves used tea bags, broken pens, completed word puzzles, and used paper tissues. It’s the broken, stale cookies that worry me because I worry she’ll have bugs. I don’ t remember throwing out or giving away much but I am always filling bags for give away.
I like the idea of clutter-free zones and setting limits. Where I draw the line is the commodification of a caregiver-child relationship – “buying” your child’s toys from them, or paying allowances for chores, unless you’re consciously and actively raising your kids to be capitalists. Instituting exchange labor and profit seeking into a child’s development at an early age begins the path to alienation. As kids grow, they’ll see and experience alienation and competition in spades, especially petit bourgeois and working class kids. Instituting these practices at home seems like early reinforcement of bourgeois ideology.
I live with my mother and she is the one who likes having a lot of stuff; whether it be on the kitchen countertops or in the garage in storage. I recall many times she says she likes a “lived in” house more than a house with clear kitchen counters and cleared off spaces and I find that to be very unfortunate. With me being a minimalist living with another person who doesn’t mind clutter, it is very hard, even now, knowing that besides my room, which I believe is the cleanest room in the entire house, it will always remain a mess in some way outside of my room. It is hard for me to think about it because it is so hard for me to live in these conditions sometimes. The inside of the house is not a total mess and my mother is not a hoarder in anyway (even my therapist said so!), it’s just as a minimalist, it’s hard to live with the mess around you sometimes. I have been trying to get my mother to “see the light” without being too preachy, but I fear I have been unsuccessful so far. My mom is the type of person that will keep a bunch of various little screws and other household doodads “just in case” she needs them even though in the future, I know she won’t. After all of my attempts to get my mom to get rid of a lot of her things to make her house more “streamlined”, it just goes to show you that you must be the example you want the other person to be inspired by and that most people don’t change their ways easily.
My only hope now, and my mother will have to face this someday in the near future, is that because she wants to move into a condo in the near future, I have told her twice already that she cannot take all of her stuff that is piled up in boxes with her. She will have to let go of most of it unless she wants to dedicate an entire room in her new condo for her stuff. I believe I may have to off load a few of my things as well, but I’m afraid that my mom is going to have a harder time than me though when that time comes. With her getting rid of her things that are not as important to her than her other things she treasures, I will have less to worry about in the future when my younger brother and I will have to go through her things so when she finally reaches old age, she will have to move into a home. I hope things will be easy for the both of us when that time finally comes.
After her last bad fall put her in a coma, we moved her to a nursing home. My 2 brothers spent a lot of time trying to sort out her papers. I cleaned up her home as much as I was able. I got sick from the mold, threw out tons of clothes that were literally rags and a lot of spoiled food. Boxes and boxes of moldy books and magazines had to be put in the dumpster and my mother is still angry about this over a year later. Many years ago, she would come for a short visit and make a big mess in my house. At least she doesn’t do that any more.