Every Monday I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
This week, we have a wonderful contribution from Carol from Brazil. She’s dreaming of a tiny house, and enthusiastically embracing new challenges in her minimalist journey. Very inspiring!
Carol writes:
Carol
The first seed of minimalism was planted in me in 2008 when I came across an article about Jay Shafer’s tiny houses. At that moment, I was exhausted juggling two kids, work, home, among other things. I suffered with this fixed idea that I could only be satisfied if I had nothing pending at all. So every time I looked around my house, I would get stressed because I was too tired to do all the stuff I thought I should be doing, like fixing something that got broken, sew a fallen button, organizing a shelf, etc. What a utopian dream. When you have too many objects, maintaining them never ever ends.
So when I learned about the tiny houses, I got so impressed I couldn’t stop looking at them and reading about them. Some of them have even become my wallpaper for a period. I felt like I found the solution to all the problems of my control freak self, except for one thing: my husband would never agree to moving into a tiny house. Not that I ever thought he would. Anyway, this did not keep me from researching on it and eventually finding really interesting blogs on minimalism (like this one) filled with extremely inspirational posts that changed my life forever. They helped me with precious tips on how to declutter my home, organize my digital life, teach my kids how to let go of their stuff, part with my own sentimental items, live well with my husband even though he does not share my minimalist principles, etc., etc., etc.
It’s been an amazing, liberating journey. I hope I never stop learning and I’m always looking forward to the next lesson that will get me out of my comfort zone. For example, this week I decided to stop wearing perfume. Thanks to Miss Minimalist! My next challenge will be to apply minimalism to food intake. I want to reduce the amount of food I eat and eat healthier food too. That’s going to be a hard one. But is there any other way to change than pushing yourself harder and harder?
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
Hurray. So glad you shared your story. Really pleased to read it. X
I too feel like my life has been changed for the good by embracing minimalism and I look forward daily to new discoveries and ways to liberate my life. Thanks for the inspiration Carol!
What tips do u have for getting hubby on board..i want to get rid of things. But he will not come along for ride..i just want simple simple life no frills no bells and no whistles…
I would start with clothing. Turn all of his hangars backwards, letting him know that if something isn’t worn after 3 months (or 6 is you must compromise), that he will agree to donate it. Same goes for shoes. Turn them toes pointing outward. I’m lucky, my spouse does not like clutter. However, he doesn’t really want to do anything to unclutter either. Small steps always work, like cleaning out one room at a time. If he balks, box up whatever he “simply must have” and tell him it too gets donated or sold after 6 months. I normally date these boxes. I’ve never had my spouse remove anything from his “simply must haves”; they have all been donated or given away.
I love this bit of advice. I am in the beginning stages of my journey to minimalism and unfortunately my hubby is total packrat. Maybe if he actually sees how long it’s been since he’s used something he will bend a bit. He always refuses to believe me saying I way overestimate and I always say he way underestimates. I know I’m right but by dating things he can really see for himself!
Hi!
I often read about minimalist women not getting their spouses on board. I encounter just the opposite. Since a couple of years now, I’m successful in consuming less and reducing my clutter, being inspired by several minimalism weblogs. This lifestyle makes sense to me, convinces me and makes me happier.
I unfortunately cannot succeed in getting my wife on board. I will just have to accept that it’s impossible to change her if she doesn’t want to change. She’s just not interested in this stuff. It does sometimes strain our relationship however, especially when it comes to agreement about what to teach our kids about these matters. But since they are between 17 and 19 year old now, they’re about to have to sort things out themselves :)
Thanks your your blog, miss minimalist, and for your contribution, Carol!
Thanks, Dutch Minimalist!
As frustrating as it might be sometimes when our beloved ones are not on board, I find it is not worth jeopardizing the relationship because of this. Nice opportunity to practice being patient though ahaha
I’m happy to see men step up. My best wishes :-)
Hi, Kathy
Unfortunately, there is no magic :-)
I may become a little anxious when I am very excited about something, so I had to work on my patience. I noticed though that if you give the example first, people who are close to you will notice how easier things become and may follow you (in their own way).
I did notice my husband has been trying to purge and organize more often since I’ve started this myself. It’s been even easier with my kids, I guess kids absorb examples faster :-)
I found this post very interesting:
Thank you all ;-)
Cheers,
Carol
Ops, I tried to paste a link and it did not work. If you’re curious, look for “When You’re a Minimalist But Your Partner Isn’t”, by Joshua Becker from the blog becomingminimalist.
And I’ve just found a new one posted this month in a blog I did not know: “Happy House: How to Be a Minimalist Even if Your Partner Isn’t”, by Janelle from the blog livsimpl.
Hope it helps ;-)
I have seen that it is more common for women to be “into” tiny houses, rather than men. It must be b/c women are still expected (or feel they are expected by the society) to be the house caretakers–whether they work or not, so they ended up worrying about a clean, neat house, and not men (ususally). This must be why tiny houses appeal to them more–less work. I love tiny houses, but my husband would never live in one, either. My brother believes in minimalism, but doesn’t like tiny houses, too. I am also into minimalism, and my husband is more of a “if we have room for it, why bother with it” kind of guy. Just some of the observations I’ve seen in my own life, and on blogs.
I totally agree with Rebecca!
Even though my husband does help around the house, his chores are usually: do the dishes, bathe the kids, cut the kids nails, take the garbage out, etc. These do not change for him whether we live in a big or tiny house. It does affect me because I am the one who sweeps, vaccums and organizes every room.
I have already tried switching tasks to teach him a lesson (ehehe). He just doesn’t mind doing the other chores, but the final result is not what I’d like it to be. And will never be! People just have different expectations regarding organization and cleaning, and we cannot be dictators about it. So I’m just trying not to worry too much about it and distribute the tasks according to individual natural interests and skills (and that includes the kids ahaha).
I never thought of it that way, but I think you are spot on, Rebecca!
Rebecca I believe you hit the nail on the head , me and my boyfriend live in a four bedroom house and there is only two of us, we have more space than we know what to do with and my boyfriend doesn’t understand that this makes no sense! That’s because he doesn’t do any of the cleaning , I have to do it all and I work longer hours than he does , a tiny house really appeals to me because it would be less for me to clean! Xx
Thank you Carol, for a lovely, inspiring contribution.
I’m interested in a comment you made: “I suffered with this fixed idea that I could only be satisfied if I had nothing pending at all.” Now that you have come a long way with minimalism, do you still feel this nagging sense of incompletion?
Does having less stuff make it possible for you to have very little pending now, or have you found another way of dealing with all the pending issues?
All the best.
Kim
Great question Kim as I too totally related to Carol’s thoughts about having “things pending”. The more I minimalise and declutter things related to my fantasy self and just general stuff the way ahead does seem clearer and I can have things pending – brilliant things I look forward to – not too many things that were all really about other people. Go minimalism, it really does rock (as my 8 year old would say ;-)
Hi, Kim and Nicole
I found out two things (they apply to me at least, everyone is different, of course):
1. Minimalism does help with the nagging sense of incompletion (I do have less pending things to solve)
2. However, if you are too perfectionist and control freak, you will always find something to worry about
In my case, I have to work on both: I minimalize as much as possible and at the same time I try to worry less.
Cheers,
Carol
Great reply Carol – so true about the perfectionist.
I just have to say that I LOVE reading these stories every Monday! I am one of the lucky ones that have a husband who is also minimalist, though he never would intentionally count his possessions or de-clutter. He rarely purchases anything at all and though he leaves all of the de-cluttering to me, he never has a problem if I purge something. Either way, I must say that I have been like this for pretty much my entire life from my wardrobe to my personal possessions, but I always felt very odd and a bit of a “closet” minimalist. My immediate family always thought I was a little strange, the way I only had 5 shirts or rotated books, etc. But finding the minimalist blogs I read I find much comfort and camaraderie in knowing there is an entire population of us. Thank you for this blog and providing a place for us all to discuss, interact, and connect!
Marie, my life sounds much like yours! My husband is fully on board minimalizing as long as it’s me that figures what that looks like for us. He rarely shops or wants much and is just happy that I’m such a low maintenance woman. Lucky guy. It’s quite unheard of to have a wife that doesn’t really care to shop.
It could be that men don’t like tiny houses because that is uncomfortable for them considering their relative size. My husband is 6’2″ and a big guy and my children and I are:5’7″,6’2″,6’2″,5’10”,5’7″,5’8″ and 6’4″. They need a lot more space around them. I want the tree house in Swiss Family Robinson! Now a husband might like a little house as a man cave retreat in the backyard….
I recommend everyone to just talk to their spouse with an open mind. I think that everyone has a different approach to minimalism and also different ‘clutter ghosts’ he or she is hunted by.
My boyfriend doesn’t really see the point in getting rid of ‘useful’ stuff (i.e. stuff that might be used some day) – however, given the fact that he hardly ever buys anything except food, all these things probably WOULD get used someday, if it wasn’t for me, who falls prey to the shopping ghost and wants something nicer, prettier and more convenient than that old stuff…
So, while I am constantly rotating things – dropping stuff at the thrift store/charity/etc., but also buying ‘new’ things (mostly second hand, though), he rather sticks to his same old things forever.
I think, that’s not so uncommon. I often hear women complaining that their male spouses don’t get rid of their ‘old and worn clothes’ – often it’s the women forcing them to get new ‘nice’ things. If that man was given the chance to wear his old shirt until it really falls apart, he probably wouldn’t buy anything new and therefore that same old shirt would never become unnecessary clutter.
Through a lot of talking we are reducing things together. I try to minimize shopping and declutter my own excess. I also suggested him to declutter his things and he did and still does from time to time. On the other hand, I’m learning from him to reuse things and literally use them up. There have been many ‘lightbulb moments’ in that process. Lots of things, I thought he was hanging onto for sentimental reasons were decluttered very easily, because actually he originally kept them for practical use. When I showed him we already had an item (or even two) that served the same purpose, he didn’t cling onto the old stuff at all.
I learned in that process that even though I am the one taking bags full of stuff to the thrift store every few weeks, it’s actually me who is more attached to things and more selfishly clinging onto them. He managed to let go of some of his sentimental items in a heartbeat: when friends at our home mentioned that they loved them and had searched for something like that, he just took them off the shelf and gave them away. I would have been far more reluctant and slower in such a decision.
So, he is not against minimalism, he just doesn’t see the point in actively decluttering (purging). He rather gives things away spontaneously to friends or waits until they perish.
Likewise, I’m sure he would love a tiny house (with high ceilings) as much as I would, but no way would he ever think it possible, if we were living in a 5-bedroom-house full to the brim. (which, luckily, we don’t)
Yes, communication is one of the most important things. Hubby and I reached an agreement. Because I am the one who is most concerned about organization, we decided I can have the final word on this. This decision encompasses the whole house, except for a room we reserved for him only, which is the office. All his clutter is there. Luckily, he does not have many clothes, so our wardrobe is not affected. He works with IT, so he has a lot of equipment and IT books and magazines (some are obsolete), he has a collection of superheroe miniatures (when I help my son declutter his toys, my husband takes the thrown away toys to his office :-S), videogames, documents all over the place, etc. Still sometimes I accidentally find something that is mine/the house’s in his office because he does not have the habit of putting things back in their place. Nothing is perfect, but finding a centralized place for his stuff did help ;-)
Here is an insteresting story of real life minimalists. Maybe there are other links, i don’t know.
http://www.grumpytraveller.com/2010/02/10/the-eternal-awkwardness-of-luxury-travel/
Wow! That’s pretty radical!
I loved your story of living with a non-minimalist hubby. And even if you don’t have a “tiny house” you can still have minimalist possessions — sounds like you’re doing just that. Excellent!
Thanks, Allison! Yes, we need to start somewhere ;-)
Oh! Carol! I’m impressed by your story!!! :) as for the diet, you can do it, dear! And I hope you would get the tiny house you’re dreaming about.
I am single, living with my parents. We have a very close relationship so when I’ve learned about minimalism, they know all about it and guess what..ACCEPTED it dearly. But not the extreme way I wanted it to be. So, I think that’s just it… I try hard not to nag *chuckles* at them, really! lol. But what I’m thankful for is that we live in a “big enough” house and we don’t have inadequate sets of furniture. :)
Lucky you! It makes things much easier. And thanks for the encouragement, Karen! :-) I’m trying little by little, ’cause being radical will get me nowhere. I’ve started by eating less chocolate ahaha Let’s see what I can do next…
Carol – I share your dream of one day owning one of those tiny houses! I love that website. I think your method of acting on one habit at a time is a very good one – it is impossible to try and change everything at once. Loved reading your story :)
Thanks, Julia! I have to be patient. Who knows one day when we retire hubby will finally get tired and say yes to tiny! I doubt that by the age of 70 he will need all his equipment and books and video games and superheroe miniatures and comic books :-)
Great post today Carol and I love seeing so much more interaction in the comment section than usual!
Francine, thanks for posting Real Life Minimalists each week! Your blog and your books are so inspiring.
I am now featuring guests on my blog, but with a much broader subject range since my blog and my journey to minimalism are fairly new. Come on by :)
It would be absolutely fantastic to live in a tiny house but I doubt that I will be able to do so either… unless I find myself a nice minimalist girlfriend… I doubt it will ever happen! Hehe.
Thanks for sharing, Carol :)
Thanks, Martha! I loved your blog. Let me know if I can contribute ;-)
Sure Carol, would love for you to contribute. Here is the page with the info – http://minimalistinthemaking.blogspot.com/2011/11/motivate-me.html
Yes, a tiny house is not for most people. But if you can take the concepts about living in a tiny house and work some of those into your life as it is, you can achieve some peace that way. Sounds like you are on your way and doing an awesome job. Having all those little loose ends lying around does stress a woman out, doesn’t it?
Bernice
Taking care of unfinished business
I grew up in a minimalist household & am wanting to return to what comes natural to me. It feels wonderful to remove clutter; however, my new minimalist journey comes with years of learned behavior that will take years to undo. looking forward to the change!
Hi, Carol! So nice to hear your story! I am also a Brazilian wannabe minimalist! Where are you in Brazil?
Olá!
Moro em São Paulo, Santo Amaro. E você?
Bjs,
Carol
HI Carol!! I am from Rio de Janeiro and liked so much what you wrote. Do you have a blog or something like this? I have one and i’m trying to write something about my minimalist jorney. http://atividaderasta.wordpress.com/
Um abraço, Rodrigo.
Olá, Rodrigo!
Eu precisaria de mais disciplina para ter um blog.
Por enquanto, vou visitar o seu :-)
Abrs,
Carol
My friends and neighbors know that I make a lot of crafts and that anything I don’t need will be passed on so I get bags of craft supplies each week. What I don’t use goes to preschools and the park district. I keep one small bin for each kind of material I use. I can’t take in something new unless something old goes out.
My husband has been giving some of his older books away. He also has a lot of hobby equipment which he has been giving away. He says he will get rid of more. I used to say when he was young-he’s 68-that one day he would get tired of all the heavy stuff he had.
One of my 3 adult children is a hoarder. She has boxes and boxes of things in her apartment that she hasn’t looked at in years. I had not been over there in a long time but went over there last week because she assured me she had cleaned. Sure enough, the garbage was overflowing, the sink and counters were covered with dirty dishes, pots and pans and the boxes were still there. A friend of hers and I cleaned up the kitchen and my daughter said she was too tired to do any cleaning. I said I wasn’t coming back until she brought 2 big bags full of stuff to give away to my house.
My niece was over yesterday wearing clothes she had bought by the pound at Salvation Army. She was homeless, as usual and in the process of finding a place to stay. I don’t think I could ever be that devoid of possessions. I need a fixed address and a plan for the future. Sometimes she gets money for doing psychological experiments at one of the local colleges.
My daughter was sick and out of work. I told her she could live in our empty bedroom if she worked at least part time and got rid of a lot of her stuff. She has been giving away a lot of stuff. I think she may just be very disorganized. Real hoarders hang on to everything.