Up until now, I’ve practiced a rather extreme form of minimalism: living in tiny spaces, and carting around all my worldly possessions in a duffel bag.
But with my recent lifestyle changes (a new baby and a home purchase), I’ve given up my membership in the globetrotting, minimalist elite. I’m now ready to explore a kinder, gentler minimalism: one that will (hopefully) be relevant to a wider range of my readers.
My husband and I used to be able to get by with a pair of chairs and a coffee table, and just enough dinnerware for the two of us. Now that we’re back among friends and family, we’ll be entertaining much more frequently—our house is centrally located, and will likely be the de facto gathering place for holiday celebrations. Furthermore, we live on a street with very friendly neighbors, and I imagine many get-togethers, both impromptu and more formal, are in our future. The upshot: our sit-on-the-floor and BYOP (Bring Your Own Plate) style may no longer fly. We need someplace for guests of all ages to dine and relax comfortably.
We also have to outfit a guest room to accommodate Plumblossom’s grandparents and other out-of-town visitors.
And of course, there’s Plumblossom’s nursery, with her crib, changing table (a repurposed desk, which will serve its original purpose once she’s older), and playthings.
The result: the number of my possessions no longer tally in the double digits.
I’m okay with that, though. I’ve never subscribed to the notion that minimalism is a race for the fewest possessions, or an exclusive club of Macbook-toting nomads. In both my books and blog, I’ve always espoused a more inclusive approach to minimalism–one that is just as relevant to people with homes, children, pets, gardens…even sofas and deck chairs. ;-)
To me, minimalism is about having just enough to meet your needs. And when your needs change due to life circumstances, you adjust accordingly. The most important part—eliminating the excess—still applies.
Even though we’re now living in a larger space, every item that enters it is still carefully considered. And decluttering happens on a daily basis—whether it’s outgrown baby clothes, outdated paperwork, or random objects that have snuck their way in.
Is it harder to be minimalist in a larger space? Of course. When you have a few hundred extra square feet to put stuff, the temptation to keep it just in case is much stronger. However, after being on the road for so long, my husband and I are conditioned to toss every extraneous item the second it’s no longer needed. And you know what? When a few extra objects manage to gather in our home, I get a little thrill out of putting together a donation bag (when I owned next to nothing, I had few opportunities to declutter!).
Fortunately, our home (like many 50+ year old houses) has very little in the way of closet or storage space. Yes, I said fortunately! For as I wrote in my book, The Joy of Less, those of us with less-than-adequate storage space are the lucky ones:
The more space we have to put things, the more things we tend to keep—things we don’t always need. Those with walk-in closets and extra cupboards must summon up extra motivation to declutter; while you, on the other hand, get the benefit of a little tough love. Having less space is an asset, not a liability, and puts you on the fast track to becoming a minimalist.
While my former focus was on the bare bones possessions for a nomadic couple, my new focus is on the bare bones possessions for a more settled family of three. I’ll be exploring such issues as what furniture we now find desirable (is it time for a couch?), what we still don’t (no plans for a TV), and what we’ll need to host guests gracefully and comfortably (are eight plates too many or too few?).
It’ll be an interesting new twist on my minimalist life, and I’m curious to see how we adjust. And you never know…in a few years, we may hit the road again, Plumblossom in tow. But for now, a kinder, gentler minimalism is on the horizon.
What appeals to you: a strict, 100-item minimalism, or something more inclusive? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
All the shower gifts and hand-me-downs can be overwhelming at first. But as you find items not being used by either you or baby PB, use that as your opportunity to declutter immediately. Baby items are like bunnies that multiply to no end. Find your happy balance:)
I used to obsess over getting down to 100 possessions each, because I felt like we couldn’t call ourselves minimalists unless we had something concrete to measure it by, to “prove” it. But you are exactly right–minimalism is not so much about the number of possessions. It’s about living intentionally.
But be forewarned that there is a lot of pressure to live a more “mainstream” lifestyle with a little one. We’ve actually been told by well-meaning friends and family that we are harming Jelly Bean by not having a television! In the end, though, she isn’t deprived at all. She has, fortunately or unfortunately, learned who the Disney princesses are through osmossis. Christmas, however, is much cheaper, since she sin’t exposed to that barrage of commercials.
Like the previous poster said, you’ll find your balance. :-)
You do get more pressure to conform. On the other hand, my two sons, now 19 and 22, were raised without benefit of television, and ended up as valedictorian and salutatorian respectively of their high school graduating classes, so it must have been ok at some level. :)
For me, it’s all about items I love and items I use. Whether that’s 100 or 1,000 makes no difference. When something is no longer useful and/or no longer cherished, it goes. Life is dynanmic, constantly changing. Whether it’s a new baby or an elderly parent that enters one’s home (my mom), I believe in flexibility while still embracing the overarching principle of knowing what is “enough”.
Dear Francine, You’re such an inspiration for all of us aspiring for a simpler and happier life. Do not apologize for having more stuff nowadays, this is a normal side effect of being a parent. As you say: minimalism is about identifying what is necessary and eliminate the rest. I’m looking forward to read your posts about minimalist parenting.
I don’t think owning only what you need is extreme.We sit on the floor with our kids (no sofa).I’m not worried about keeping up with the Joneses.Our guests adapt.
Honestly, strict minimalism scares me! I’m someone with hobbies that require physical tools and a few objects I really cherish. I’ve always thought minimalism was not for me because of that. Over the past few weeks, I’ve begun to see that minimalism can take many forms. The idea of living with just enough is so appealing to me. I recently started a long-term decluttering project before I’d read anything about this flexible minimalism, and now I think that’s my eventual goal.
In my book “Single Parenting-How to Survive and Thrive” (sold on Amazon.com under my pen name Jaclyn Graham) I try to encourage and inspire single parents (I have 3 children who are now 20, 18, 16) as they maintain a home, work full time outside the home and maintain a simple lifestyle. It’s the only way to live in order to have peace with all your responsibilities. I am moving on to a new chapter of my life now that 2 kids are gone and I have been able to be a minimalist during that whole time. I am now more interested in extreme minimalism as I’ve had my fill of baby stuff and household goods. Kind of a been there done that thing. I wish Francine the best on her new chapter in life as I will no longer need read this post because I am also onto a different chapter. At age 49, I’ve come full circle. I have learned so much on this website and am excited for anyone who is wanting to learn how to live minimalistically. This is the best website out there. Take care.
I lived a very zen existence pre-children,and have tried very hard to only bring in the minimum since having kids. The reality once they hit school is that a lot more stuff will come in and I find this really hard!
Birthday parties are the worst as your child may be given lots of useless plastic stuff that will end up in the landfill eventually. I try to encourage my kids to give things away before even using them if they don’t really love them.
some kids need quite a few clothes as they get very dirty. This is a good thing! It’s not environmentally friendly to keep running the washing machine with just a few things in it, so in this case more is better. And I try to buy those extra clothes from the thrift shop.
I did buy books for my children as well as using the library because reading is very important to us and they will read some books over and over. And I am keeping the best books for grandchildren as I see it as a waste of my time and resources to give everything away and have to purchase it again down the track.
This may not sound very minimalist, but everything is scrutinised before it comes through the door – will we really use it? Is it beautiful?
And yes, for socialising, a set of 8 is probably a good idea. Even for a family of 3, it’s very inefficient to keep washing items every time you use them, or not to have enough pots and pans to cook a decent dinner.
For me the bottom line will never be having less than 100 things,but it will always be about having enough as opposed to excess.
Madeleine
PS: Steiner parenting books and websites will give you a great idea as to what play things are good to bring into your home. They favour things that are natural and can serve many purposes and stimulate the imagination. Try ‘You Are Your Child’s First Teacher” by Rahima Baldwin
I am a mom that hasn’t coped with motherhood all that well — both my girls have had sleep apnea. My oldest never slept and was in my arms literally 14 hours a day. This motherhood stuff can be rough. The difficult thing is that you can’t possibly know what things may be lifesavers and what things aren’t — with my oldest the swing only helped for about a week (but every moment she wasn’t in my arms was helpful) — with my second I would sometimes leave her in it (with it running) half the night and it helped me get some much needed sleep. One cool thing is I managed to pass my swing onto a friend who had kids a year behind me … so we passed the swing (and other equipment … baby bouncer, etc.) back and forth as we needed them. My swing is now being used by the 4th family (6th baby) in under five years. I’ve only been moving towards minimalism for a year now and it has been heavenly with kids … BUT for God’s sake … if I have learned anything … drop all martyrdom with kids … if a baby bouncer seat or tv show can help you get your face washed and teeth brushed … GO FOR IT …. and of course, you’ll buy things that you hoped would help but don’t … hang on to the receipt … return, donate, pass it along to a friend. Easy babies probably don’t require much (I really don’t know about this) but if the going gets rough … keep the minimalism but drop the idealism … get anything you can that helps and get rid of it when if it doesn’t help.
I live on the less extremeside of minimalism and I say that cautiously asI I am still surrounded by more stuff I can handle. For that reason, in that struggle, I’ve always appreciated reading and learning more about the extreme side of minimalism to try to keep me motivated. That said, I’ve always felt what makes a minimalist approach kinder and gentler is not the extent of minimalism but rather the lack of judgement on how others choose to go about it so, I’ve always seen Francine’s approach as gentle and kind.
I’ll also add that with my first child, I had every gadget out there. She was on the “high needs” side, but all she needed and wanted we me. So we used none of all that baby gear. With another one on the way, and my daughter’s stuff all sold by now, I am buying NOTHING but onesies and diapering supplies until a need for something else comes along.
My impression, which could be wrong, is that although you have asked us for your thoughts on strict versus inclusive, you already know what you want to write about and there is nothing wrong with that. It is your blog and while your audience will shift, it will more closely match your new life and their interests will be in line with yours.
I know you said you don’t have a lot of storage space, and you are opposed to keeping things you don’t use “just in case”. However, I think you should consider keeping some emergency supplies, especially now that you have a little one. How will you warm her bottles and food if the power goes out? Keeping a small camp stove, a stash of diapers, and two weeks of food and water is like disaster insurance. I hate to think of you stuck in the house with no clean water, no food, no diapers, and a dirty hungry baby. When big storms or disasters hit, it can take weeks for the roads to become passable and the power to come back on and the water to be safe enough to drink. Just sayin’.
A changing table, really? I never had one and never used one (I changed my boy on my bed, with a waterproof baby changing mat underneath, and that was when I wasn’t even consciously living “minimalism” yet)…
There will be gazillions of “must have” baby things people will tell you about, saying that they are necessary (or maybe already did), but seriously, they aren’t. I never had or used a bottle-warming machine (because of breastfeeding) or a soother-boiling/disinfecting/whatever machine as he never used a soother, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what products were/are invented that young parents -need- to buy and use. And later on it will go on – all those heaps of things children -need- to get and are suggested to want, advertised especially for them.
Which, in my opinion, shouldn’t be banned, but discussed between parents and children:
Advertisements: What do they want to make us want, and aren’t they lying anyway?
The point is practicality. I love having minimal stuff because it is easier to clean and organize my things. I am not really a minimalist . I have more than a hundred stuff , I love eating cake and meat and have a car. But I don’t like going shopping and I only keep is what I truly use and love. My home is clean and comfortable and I am not chained to debt. I was inspired by a blog named onsimplicity.net ( no longer existed) in which the writer put minimalism into a different perspective. we must have a healthy standard in minimalism. It’s OK to have a big, comfy sofa for post-work relaxation and a bed ( quick! hide the clutter under the bed ). But if you feel the couch not going to improve your life quality, ditch it. I rather having fun and enjoying my life rather than stressing out about what to toss next
Congratulations on the baby and the home. Thanks for all your posts in the past. I am sure you will find your balance just as you have before you had the baby. You can share your challenges and successes and a different crowd of people will be able to embrace a more minimalistic lifestyle. You will periods of time where you buy more stuff and then get rid of a lot of stuff, but it will even out eventually to a perfect balance for you…until the next big thing happens in your life!
I love the concept of Lagom. It’s a Swedish term with no English equivalent. It basically means, “just the right amount”…which sounds like what you (and I) are striving for :)
Thank you to everyone for all your kind words, and well-wishes re. Plumblossom and our new home. I hope many of you will stay with me as I navigate this new chapter in my minimalist journey!
congratulations on the new addition! once plumblossom gets older and has playmates, toys can be shared between families so that kids get variety, while the adults can hang onto more floor space.
i recently stumbled onto your blog and bought your book (excellent!). if you don’t mind, could i trouble you with the following question: i’m a grad student and am decluttering my wardrobe of tons of clothing and shoes. in a month, i’ll be moving for the summer and putting my stuff into storage. if you were in my position, would you try to sell everything on ebay, put whatever is left into storage, and then try to resell in once you moved back? or would you give everything away–despite the fact that most items are new and were costly–and look at the experience as live-and-learn? thanks so much!
sylvie – just out of experience figure out how much you’ll be spending on a storage unit. I found that it was cheaper for us to sell our current items and then replace items instead of paying for the storage unit
If you are short on time, maybe try a consignment shop like Plato’s Closet that will give you money for your clothes. Remember, even though your clothes were costly, in 6 months to a year, they will probably be considered clearance items and worth very little, so don’t base their value on what you paid for them. Instead, base their value on how useful they are to you.
As my baby grew into a preschooler, I have relaxed my own ideals about minimalism. Even though our family of four lives on a 32 ft sailboat, I squirrel away art supplies because that is what my daughter loves to create with. Minimalism is my adult need, and I have to temper it with what my kids’ need–tangible, tactile experiences which sometimes involves stuff like nature finds, or pockets full rocks.
But having space limitations prevents the mass consumerism that can creep into our home, so I am grateful to live in a tiny space. It’s a delicate balance that each family has to work out for themselves. Congratulations on your little one. May your transition to parenthood be full of joy.
Welcome back Francine! It is so lovely to have you posting again. For me, a more inclusive minimalism is what I enjoy reading about (and practicing). Extremes can be inspiring, but not practical for many of us in our daily lives. I look forward to reading your insights.
Congratulations on your baby and new home. I had thought that one of your surprises might also have been a new book! I am still hoping :)
Having a child in your life is a wonderful gift in your whole wide world! Before we had a child, my husband and I had so much stuff that we never knew we had. After we bought a new house and renovated (or still renovating…) we came to realize it was either the stuff or the child. We chose the child over stuff so we had several yard sales, Craigslist postings, and became involved in Totswap consignment where moms and dads sell outgrown and unwanted children’s furnitures, clothes, toys, etc and buy something that their child/children needs. We recently bought our child summer clothes and matured toys and came home with 4 bags worth $90 dollars (where it could have costed more than $400!) We love living in a small house with few things and we spent days working and playing in our rather huge (I mean HUGE) backyard! But, we love it!
With your new house, you really don’t need everything. If you plan to have a large party or an organization, you can always ask them to bring folding chair or outdoor folding chair or rent chairs and tables from a rental company. We share snowblower (that our neighbor has) and other equipment with our neighborhood. We work together and help together and it is nice to have neighbors that can help. (it’s like paying forward!)
Good luck and enjoy all your precious moments with Plumblossom!
A.
Just a thought from personal experience – it’s not really possible with a small baby or child to have a very small number of clothes and bed linen etc. Generally this works fine, you just have to do lots of washing, but on those hopefully rare occasions when your baby is sick, you may find yourself changing sheets, clothes etc several times in one night and just having 2 changes of clothing won’t work… There is so much stuff available in charity shops and as hand-me-downs from friends and family that you hardly ever need to buy new things. Just buy and then pass it on when you’re finished.
Handmedowns, should really be hand-me-ons, passing it down sounds so negative
The only items I actually used was a carseat and an old walker with the wheels removed to contain my daughter while I fed her or used the bathroom. High chairs were a hazard. Her crib was used briefly because as soon as she could crawl she was a true climber before she could walk; So, her mattress was then on the floor with her room cleared of potential hazards, such as dressers and armoires. And yes I would place her in her carseat in front of a baby animal video while I gave myself 30 minutes to prep for the day. Clothes were onesies and union suits. Toys had a limit of one large bucket; Duplos and books were our favorites.
Francine..I liked your comment about the 50 plus year old houses and had to laugh. My wife and I were commenting on this the other night. My in laws have an old farmhouse and while it is huge, the closets have just enough room for the bare essentials. Today if a house doesn’t have gargantuan storage space, then it’s deemed unworthy as a home.
It is so good to hear you write about another sort of minimalism. Of course, I will miss the extreme :) With two kids of my own, I long for the sort of minimalism you have written of in the past. But minimalism doesn’t mean one thing, and that is what I love about it.
It would be nice if you didn’t use the word “kinder” to describe your new lifestyle. It implies that your other version of minimalism is somehow less kind. In fact, your old lifestyle was much kinder to the environment. And both forms of minimalism were equally kind to you in that they both met your needs at the moment.
That exact thought crossed my mind too.
Hi Miss Minimalist! I’m a little late to the party but I just checked in on your site and was thrilled to hear about your new baby and house. Congratulations to you and your husband. I also look forward to reading about your new adventures going forward.
When life changes, you must change with it.
My philosophy: If it’s not pleasing or useful, it has no place in my space ;)
I am so pleased to find your blog and wish you all the very best with a minimalist life with a family. When my eldest child was born nearly 26 years ago I was a minimalist by financial necessity as a very young single parent – everything he needed was borrowed or came from the local Oxfam (charity shop) and he slept on a mattress on the floor – as an extremely good cot climber that was more for safety! That was during the 80s in Thatcherite Britain which was embracing the capitalist consumer culture. Fast forward to life with several children (I married another single parent who had a child and we had 2 more together) and our ‘baby’, now aged 14 had a whole load of useless stuff and too many new clothes bought mainly because we could afford it and somehow bought into the consumer culture that these items were essential. It didn’t make things better or easier for our daughter as a small child and just cluttered the house!
Slowly, but surely, I’ve been downsizing all our stuff and hope to move house to a much smaller place and a simpler life in the future. I can honestly say that some of the happiest times in my life were when my son was young and I had the time to spend with him and a lack of many possessions to worry about. Somehow things got off track but I’m beginning to see my way back. It’s great to find a community online as a lot of my friends are still at the ‘more is best’ stage of life!
While I enjoy reading about the extreme minimalist, I tend towards the kinder, gentler minimalist myself. But even, so I still have much, much less stuff than anyone I know. I love to read and cook, and have small amounts of things for each. I’m a single woman in her 40s. I like to have things comfortable, but not cluttered. I think I’ve finally hit the proper balance.
I have been reading your blog for a while and have loved it! I read your books as well. I came across your blog when I was about to fall down the road of excess consumerism. I believe it was serendipity that led me to your blog that very night (I found it through your light travel post, which is something that I wanted to learn how to do).
However, I felt that “pure” minimalism was more for those without children who wanted a nomadic life. I have a small 1950s house (1200 square feet), a quarter of an acre, a vegetable and fruit garden, and a 2 year old, and while I love to travel, I didn’t want to be a nomad. While I have rarely owned more than could fit into a few boxes and a bed, I began hoarding for my child. I am excited to read your take on minimalist parenting of an infant and toddler, as this is my current stage of life, and just might help me let go of one of my many boxes of toys.
Renee, what really helped me stop buying (usually consignment sale) toys for my daughter was reading Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross.
It reminded me that there is freedom to spend time *playing* when one isn’t spending time trying to corral toys.
This reminds me of this article from Real Simple Magazine:
http://www.realsimple.com/home-organizing/decorating/rustic-home-decor-00100000078346/#1
The article focuses on a woman named Kim Sava who lives her life with generosity, and although she spends a good deal of time thrift-hunting, her finds are always given away to friends. Here house is fairly spare and rustic, and this is what makes it beautiful. What resonated with me is that she only keeps what is actually USED. There are a few decorations, but most of them come from nature. This is the style of minimalism that I believe best suits me: I keep things if I use them, and if I don’t I sell or donate them. I keep my decor to a minimum, and only decorate with things that are useful in some way or that I really appreciate because I’ve taken the time to consider their value. It’s as simple as that!
My kids are 40,38 and 34. I remember putting a pad on a dresser and changing diapers there.
There is a lot of stuff you can get along without. We used books, blocks, puzzles, cardboard boxes a lot. Bought a lot of clothes at garage sales and rummage sales. Pencils,pens, crayons and backs of paper were also great as the kids got older. We never had a tv in the living room and only turned it on to watch a specific show. Usually on PBS. My grandchildren
Think it’s funny we have such a small Tv. Recently for my husband’s birthday we got another
TV- I think it’s 32 inches so it’s a big one. Most of our friends have 60inch Tv’s. I am the only person among our friends who is trying to keep a small foot print.
I am the grandma who repairs toys. The other grandma buys museum memberships for gifts. It just turned out that way. The boys are 6 and 9 and read a lot and do a lot of make believe. I know they are outside a lot, too. I find with kids just being yourself is important.
My grandsons are being raised like their parents were raised, a lot of books and experiences, very little TV and very little junk food. Their favorite toy seems to be LEGOs.
A relative came for a visit and was troubled because we only own two hand towels and don’t have a lot of decorative pillows and throws around our living room and bedroom. I have very little furniture. We have lots of pictures and plants. When we have a big party, I borrow my son’s folding chairs and his folding tables. The throws we have are to keep cat hair off the couch. My daughter stops by sometimes and takes a nap, my grandsons have spent the night, friends and neighbors stop by, and my sister visits from California. At 68, I don’t feel like buying all kinds of accessories I’ve never needed before.