If you’ve been following my blog lately, you know that I recently gave birth to my first child—a beautiful baby girl I call Plumblossom.
My husband and I waited a long time before deciding to settle down and procreate—so long, in fact, that my medical chart bore the lovely, geriatric-sounding “Advanced Maternal Age” label.
Which brings me to the subject of this week’s post… With my biological clock ticking (fast), DH and I need to make a decision soon as to whether we’re “one and done” or ready to try for another. It’s a tough call to make in the midst of first-time parenting sleep deprivation; however, we don’t have the luxury of waiting until Plumblossom is out of diapers to ponder a possible sibling.
Whenever I’ve imagined myself as a mother, it’s generally been to one child. In part, it’s because I’d like to resume our unstructured, nomadic lifestyle once our daughter is a little older; and it seems that planning around the needs, whims, and moods of one child would be much easier than two. We’d be able to devote our full attention and resources to her, and someday bestow on her a travel fund instead of struggling to put multiple children through college.
And yes, it seems more minimalist—with one child, we could get by with less stuff, smaller spaces, and fewer time commitments (be they doctor’s appointments, school activities, etc.).
On the other hand, I’ve seen the wonderful sibling interaction among my friends’ kids, and worry that Plumblossom may spend too many lonely hours wishing for a little brother or sister.
Both my husband and I have siblings, and therefore no experience with what it’s like to be an only child. So this week, instead of posting any words of wisdom or advice, I’m asking you for yours.
I know some of you will advise me to leave it to fate—a charming idea, to be sure, but one I’m not entirely comfortable with when it comes to major, life-altering decisions.
What I’d really like to hear are your experiences: did you decide to have just one child (or more) and why? What are the pros and cons to having (or being) an only child? Do you find minimalism becomes more challenging with each addition, or do shared possessions make for a greater “economy of stuff”?
Thanks in advance to all who respond–I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
When you are not an only child, you learn to share and that you can’t have everything you want.
It’s also a plus that you are not alone all the time.
I do think people who where an only child tend to get more involved in social activities or sports, to compensate for this loneliness, so it’s not such a big problem.
And with good parenting, an only child can also learn to share.
There are advantages/disadvantages to both, but nothing mayor as far as I know. Do note that I speak from experience as a former child with a brother and a sister and not as a parent.
Simpler is better in my opinion, with regards to children it’s also cheaper and there are already enough people in this world. So I would suggest to stick to 1 child. :)
Greetings,
Andy
I don’t mean to be smart, but it does sound like you answered your own question when you spoke of how you always pictured mothering. Ultimately, your values, wishes, and life-long dreams must determine your choice…but then you already knew that. I think one child is certainly more minimalist-friendly. I’ve seen many “minimalist” oriented bloggers devolve into (rather dull to me) mommy bloggers simply by enlarging their families at the expense of their since-outgrown minimalist goals, so obviously that’s a possibility, but one you might welcome if you want more children.
So really, again, just follow your heart.
I have one – for the reasons you cite. (I was 35 when she was born.) My husband is one of 5 (interestingly, 2 of the sibs have 1 child; 1 has none; 1 has 2 and only 1 has 5); I am one of 2. We said “one” when we got married and have not wavered. We never stopped going out to eat, travelling internationally, etc. (My daughter is 9 and has been to 10 countries.) I gave up baby gear (to friends or consignment or Goodwill) as it was outgrown. My house was never taken over by the “baby-industrial-complex” (my husband’s term). I love life with 1; I think I am a good parent to 1. I am sure I would rise to the occasion with > 1, but I reckon I would be more stressed & less patient. FWIW, my daughter has never really strongly lobbied for a sib – if anything she would want an older brother, but clearly that it out of the question! She had a lot of imaginary sibs, friends and animals – but never wanted a “real” sibling. The older she gets, the more she seems to crave alone-time (like me) and spends a lot of time in her room drawing, reading, writing stories, etc. But, at school, is very social. Another FWIW, I live in Australia (expat Yank) – the birthrate here is lower than in the US (closer to European norms) and my daughter has many friends who are also sole kids. Anyway, bottom line: every once in a while I wonder what it would be like for me / us to parent > 1 and witness that sibling vibe … but I never regret my decision and I never feel like I am depriving my daughter.
One advantage of having a second child is that Plumblossom will have a sibling to share the responsibilities of taking care of her elderly parents, should that day arise. :-)
By the way, I have three kids (all grown). When I was pregnant with my third child, at age 36, I was labeled an “elderly multigravida.” That sounds even worse to me than “advanced maternal age.”
I lost my Mother to cancer when I was 22 yrs old, not too long after becoming estranged from my father. I am the middle child of 3, and have always been so eternally grateful and comforted in having siblings to call my family. I simply cannot imagine living through the grief of losing parents (eventually inevitable of course) without the comfort of my siblings.
Now I am a Mother, I look forward to my child (2 yrs old) having a sibling some day soon. I cannot imagine parenting him as an optionally only child, for his sake and for ours as a family.
Go for 2 I say! Good luck x
I am a very happy only child =)
I think I owe my upbringing and happiness today as a balanced adult to my mother, who spent a lot of time with me while I was growing up, even when she started working again. We had a very close relationship (still do) and a strong bond. She spoke to me like she would to an adult, took me everywhere with her (none of that “oh my baby needs to remain in a carefully tempered room, at no more than 19°C, with regular sleep cycles of X hours at a time, etc” nonsense that some people go for today) and generally taught me everything I know today. I believe you would be the same kind of mother, in which case your child would not feel the need for a sibling. Besides, what you don’t know, you don’t miss, and I’ve heard mostly complaints coming from my friends with siblings, even though I know they love each other dearly.
On the whole, I think it really depends on your parenting, and I don’t think that will be an issue =)
I looooove having brothers! I can’t imagine not having any.
My husband, on the other hand, is an only child. While I do find him a bit selfish, he never was lonely growing up: his mother made sure she had plenty of time for him. (Well, with bad parenting, children in bigger families can become selfish too, and only children can be well bought-up, so siblings are not a silver bullet here.) He doesn’t feel like he missed on something.
I can’t tell you how would Plumblossom be happier. I just know both variants will require lots of time and attention from you. :)
The elderly care and other life’s “what ifs” feel weird to consider for me (you don’t have kids just so they take care of you later), but they’re real. If Plumblossom’s an only child, you’ll be all she has and she’ll be strongly dependent on you. You’re not immortal. You probably will have conflicts when she’s a teen. Perhaps having more loved ones in her life would be better for her?
As an adult child of somewhat nomadic parents (multiple house moves upto the age of 12 which they recommenced after I left home at 18), I can reassure you that the total time I wished for a sibling in my entire life was about 20 minutes. In my experience, onlies are as likely to be good sharers, or to be lonley as people with siblings. The bonus of being an only child is undivided love and attention of parents and a peaceful, relaxing household. Don’t have a child just to give a child a playmate – that’s what friends are for! Only have another because you desperately want one.
As for providing elder-care for parents in later years, I don’t think anyone, with children or not, can guarantee that – to expect your child to do this is slightly unfair to my mind. I did care for my mother when she was dying, but that was my choice and we had a close enough relationship to do this – but think of the many thousands (and more) of elderly people who have children that sit alone in care homes whilst their children live far away or are too busy to visit. There are many stories written online and elsewhere about this problem.
A long time ago, I read a decent book about the particular experience of only children, and though only have good things to say about this myself, to read it might provide some food for thought. I think it was The Only Child: How to Survive Being One by Jill Pitkeathley.
I would try for another baby and see if it happens. If it doesn’t, then the choice is made for you. If it does, then it’s wonderful. You won’t regret having another child, but you may regret NOT having tried for a 2nd. Just my opinion. :)
We decided to have our second fairly close to our first so they’d grow up close and in general that has worked fairly well. There’s an 18 month gap and for quite a while youngest got the eldests offcasts in clothing etc. Unfortunately youngest is now getting as tall as his brother so there is twice as much stuff. You can’t plan for that sort of thing though. Occasionally we get asked for a sister, but it’s been explained that there will be no more, and even if there were there’s a fair chance of another brother (heaven forbid!). Neither boy wants another brother so the whole subject gets dropped, lol.
One child is absolutely enough! Let me point out the downside of siblings – they are not always as close as in the ideal case; my brother tormented me for years until I went to college and now as adults, we are friendly with each other but live far apart; when we did live within 2 miles of each other, visited about once monthly. I get far more support from my friends, both near and far, and it is to them that I go when I need to talk about something.
We were on the fence about whether to have a second child for the first few years, for much the same reason as you. But then I realized the above, and also realized that I was ready to move beyond the infant stage rather than go back to it a second time.
Our only child has many close friends and does many things with us. We really feel like a team. I know that she is closer to us than I ever was to either of my parents. She is included in more activities and has broad experiences. She can pursue more interests because she is not splitting our time/money budgets for that with other siblings. She prizes her alone time and, as the child of 2 introverts, I realize now that having to share a bedroom, as she would in our house, would have been difficult. We can travel more because the cost is reasonable.
All in all I would say that yes – one child is enough; but only you can make the decision of what is right for your family.
If you haven’t already found a playgroup, I highly recommend seeking one out in your area; it is invaluable to have other moms of same-age and older-age kids to talk to about things like this!
Also, it is not necessary to have siblings to learn, as one comment above noted, that it is necessary to share and that you don’t always get everything you want.
I don’t have any children, but I am one of four children in my family. I believe without a doubt that my parents having my 3 siblings was one (or three) of the best things they ever did for me. My siblings are my closest friends from childhood and in adulthood. The support and friendship I have with my siblings is unlike my other friendships. I am always there for them and I know they are always there for me. It’s true I was responsible for the cost of my college as well as other financial responsibilities that come with growing up. Since there are four of us we didn’t travel much, but the relationships I have with my siblings is much more important to me than taking vacations, having my college paid for, or any other financial benefits I would have from being an only child. I’m sure there are pros and cons to having one child or having more than one. Personally, I loved and still do love having siblings.
For the first 10 years of my life, I was an only child. Then my sisters were born. I’m 26 now, and as I look back, I can’t imagine how gray and lonely my life would have been without them – or who I might have become if I hadn’t been shaped by the love I feel for them.
I’m too old to have that special sister bond with either of them, but I can see it work between them. It’s something really special and really valuable for both of them.
Based on my own experiences, I’d venture a guess that if your Plumblossom eventually becomes a sister, she will later be thankful for having a sibling to love.
I am a single mother, but would have another child if the opportunity arose. I do feel there are advantages to having a sibling (although disadvantages too). Interesting someone (with 3 children) once commented that you should always get an even number of dogs so there isn’t one that is the odd one out. Her daughter and me (also one of three) both agreed this applied to children as well
Like Jen, I’m 26 and I was 9-11 when my two sisters were born. In a lot of ways I got the benefits of being an only child – lots of attention to my education, etc – but I also think I would have been a bit less socially awkward if I’d had siblings to bounce off instead of sitting reading by myself most of the time! (We lived in a small village so there weren’t many kids around to play with.)
I also have to say that although, like Jen, I don’t have that special sibling bond of being close in age, my sisters were the best thing that ever happened to me – you can never have too much family in my opinion.
I’m one of 4 kids but we have made a decision to have just one child – advanced maternal age being one consideration and life style too. We are lucky to have both my sisters live near with 2 kids similar in age each so make sure our daughter has lots of cousin time so she is pretty close to them. I think you can argue the case for either only child or having more but it really does depend on your own situation. Because I am so close to my sisters I would like the same for my daughter but her cousin is an only girl and close in age so I am hoping they will have a special friendship.. It is hardest when she asks me for a sibling but I consider us lucky to be able to have a child when several friends haven’t been able to at all.
I think 2 kids can be minimalist too. With the older sibling sharing clothes and sharing with the responsibility of taking care with the younger kids.
I think the key here is we teach our kids to do a lot of stuff on their own.
I think this is also what Leo Babauta did, since he already has a lot of kids when he really plunged into minimalism.
Hi, I am an only child and have to say growing up I never missed it at all. In fact, without the concentration of material and parental resources that came with being an ‘only’, I would have missed out on so many experiences that enriched my life. But, (and you knew there was a ‘but’ coming didn’t you?) after the unplanned arrival of our second child and my front row seat to the deep love between our kids, I began to wonder a bit. Sadly my father passed away in traumatic circumstances recently and for the first time I really missed having that lateral branch of the family tree to hold onto. The only thing I’m absolutely certain of is that my opinion doesn’t really count, it is only what works for you and your little family that matters. All the best with your decision!
We are a family with two girls, very minimalist (no tv, minimal possessions etc) – just alot more sibling rivalry than the one child families I know ;) We travelled from Australia to Europe for 3 months and spent 9 months in England when we had one daughter who was 12 months old when we left. We managed it quite well. We wanted to return to England with both our daughters for another 12 months and have only felt comfortable with the idea of going when they are 12 and 9 (3 years to go). There is school to consider, friends and the matter of being able to do everything we want to do this time that we couldn’t do last time. We have had to wait until these kids could WALK FOR A LONG TIME without complaining.
In more general terms I am very glad that both my girls have each other. Their love for each other is incredibly tangible. The other night when I asked my 6 year old “If you could be anyone else in the world who would you choose to be?”. She answered instantly “My sister!”. Not me or Grandma or her lovely Aunties or friends. I definately think it is worth a try.
There is a saying that having one child benefits the parents and not really the child, but siblings benefit the child/ren but is harder for the parents. I think there is a lot of truth in the words, although it goes without saying that it really depends on the child/ren in question and the personality & style of parenting they receive. We are all different.
Personally, I was put off stopping at one child from the adults I have met that were raised as only children. I think you can easily tell whether an adult has been raised as an only child (‘only child syndrome’), sadly not for good reasons (self-centred and confident to the point of arrogance.) We therefore had two children, but I sometimes envy the much calmer life that my friends with only the one child have ;-)
Good luck with your decision. It’s a tricky one!
I have 4 children, definitely not minimalist, but very happy. My kids love playing with each other, and are forming bonds that will see them through adulthood when my husband and I are no longer there. Family is so important, I say go for it, in this case, “the more the merrier.”
I forgot to say that I wonder if I’d make the same decision again, purely for social & environmental reasons. The world is over populated enough.
Having a sibling gives you a unique insight to living with others as an adult. I have a brother and a sister, and with them as my teachers, I learned how to share, wait my turn, and not always get my way, especially first choice, as I am the “baby.”
I had a son 23 years ago who passed away at age 11 weeks from SIDS. While devastating, I was able to accept what I could not change (over the course of MANY years.) I was also desparate for another baby, not to replace the one I lost, but to fill the crater in my heart. Finally, along came his brother and I was filled with joy, but also fear. I didn’t think I could lose another. I was too afraid of “pushing my luck” to have another. I feel I made a poor choice. This son has fulfilled the prophecy of the “subsequent child.” We were told by the coroner that our next child would be spoiled and we wouldn’t be able to stop ourselves. Duh! Now at 21, he is a joy and a frustration. He is hugely spoiled, and because he is an only, he has never developed ambition and drive, since there is no great need to “get away” from the sibs.
While my pastor has assured me that it will all work out, I think things might have been different if we would’ve had at least one more child. Hindsight!
I have two children and a third on the way. They will each be 3.5 years apart, which has given the first two a chance to be babies and toddlers without other smaller children for me to care for. While this may not be feasible for you, it’s worked great for us (I am not the person who could deal well with two babies in diapers).
While there was a long period in my life where I never thought I would have any children, once I had my daughter (first child), I knew she would not be the only child. I see more negatives than positives to an only child, especially now that I have two. And, ever since my son was born, I see the beautiful relationship that they have as siblings. It’s amazing to see them hug and kiss each other. Fortunately, there have been no jealousy issues. There is fighting, but I believe that is beneficial to them learning how to deal with other people who have different wants and needs.
Also, the more children I have, the more minimalist I become (which is why I am in love with your blog now) because I have fewer resources and my time is more demanded upon. I am forced to make lots of choices and prioritize more than ever.
I agree with a poster above who said to try and if it happens, you’ll know what your path will be. What I have found is that these things are not always in our control regardless of what we want or think is best for our families. Good luck!
I think in this case it’s best to think of the emotional well-being of plumblossom, especially if you plan on picking up travels again. A single-child household in a stable environment where she would also see family consistently, and would be able to develop more meaningful relationships (friendships) with kids her own age wouldn’t be as hard on her emotionally. Even if you plant roots for a year before moving again, I think it would be challenging for her to establish those deep “best friend” kind of relationships with other kids, so having a sibling would help with the regular uprooting she may experience. My family didn’t move around a lot when I was growing up so I don’t know how disruptive it is for a child’s emotional development – you could also try finding some military persons who moved around a lot and see if having siblings helped or not… good luck! :-)
I think this is an important point here- if you’re hoping to get back to a nomadic lifestyle, it’s important for Plumblossom to have stable relationships and a fun friend / travel companion (she’ll be rolling her eyes at the mention of mom and dad before you know it). without neighborhoo friends or activities/groups, she’ll either be alone or only have you for companionship, and you’ll need a break sometimes.
I second that, Laura and Kate. My daughter (4 on Sunday – yay!) and son (just 2) are starting to play together very nicely and I believe helping to stave off the “Mooooommy!” cries that are inevitable to having an only child, something that would also be compounded by travel. I’ve enjoyed seeing how I could give birth to such different children. My daughter is fearless, pretty detached, and rolls with the punches; my son is a cuddly goofball. I’ve thought of a third child, but then I would have to stop working and that, to me, is not an option. My paternal grandparents, who had three sons, told my mother, “Don’t have more children than you have arms.” ;-)
Also, fwiw, my brother and I are five years apart and I was well-established as an “only” when he came along (my mother miscarried between the two of us). To say that I didn’t adjust well to his arrival is an understatement. We’re far apart in age and in temperament and we have only grown close as adults. Of course, having children close together doesn’t mean that your kids will be close. Some of my friends have much younger sibs to whom they’re very close; others have sibs who are close in age with whom they had an epic sibling rivalry. Overall, though, my experience with my two has convinced me that I would do it all over again, despite the staggering cost of child care (cough cough), education, and cost in resources.
My daughter is 2.5 and I finally feel like we might be ready for another one. We considered letting her be an only child, but my brother and I have SUCH a great relationship I did not want her to miss out on that. I think when you have them close together (2 years or less between births) it’s WAY harder for a little while but that time passes quickly. If you space them out more than that (3 or 4 years) it’s easier since you don’t have 2 “babies” at the same time but it’s also hard to go back to the newborn stage once your older one is out of diapers and getting independent.
I honestly picture YOU as a mother of one (not actually KNOWING you in person or anything….) I have a friend who will only have one daughter (she had complications and her daughter was born prematurely, so she won’t be trying for another). Her daughter is the same age as my daughter (almost 3) and is already the smartest, most well rounded kid you would ever meet. They KNOW that they will have the time to devote to HER, with no other siblings, so they have her starting out bilingual in English and Italian, starting ballet lessons, learning music (her parents are musicians)… but not spoiled! I think there is some benefit to being able to devote that amount of time and energy (and money) to one kid, knowing there won’t be any more coming along in the future.
I agree, Lilly, on so many things you have said. Three children under three years of age – the time flies past in a blur, believe me… ;-)
My sister’s only child is so polite and well-mannered, I am ashamed of my own unruly brood. My sister can stay on points of discipline or manners for hours if she has to, whereas I often have to pick my battles. Kids jumping on couch? Not ideal but at least they aren’t chasing the cat or painting on the walls with coal while I bf baby number 3. Ahem…
So, yes, one child allows you the time, energy and, often, money to do extraordinary things with that child.
But, lucky for me, the ordinary moments sometimes make up for it. My four year old pretending to fall down on the floor over and over just because she knows it cracks up her two year old sister. My seven year old (eldest) declaring, at the end of a hectic supermarket trip, “Mummy, I bet you’re so happy to have all us four children here to help you with the shopping! You must find it so hard when we’re not here!” Bless.
Karen (Scotland)
I grew up as an only child. While I was bored often, I would not say I had a deprived childhood (and, yes, I did learn to share). But expect to take a friend along for Plumblossom on many occasions (so your trips/outings may turn out less minimalist than you envisioned).
I am currently expecting my first and am leaning towards only one child myself, for reasons not dissimilar of yours.
“In for a penny, in for a pound” would be my motto. :-)
OK, I’m a mother of four and I have a little sister (by one year) who has an only child (not through choice but due to impending kidney failure.)
My Gran kept saying “An only child is a lonely child” which broke my sister’s heart and my sister actually burst into tears at a swing park one day when her daughter sat on a seesaw all alone. :-(
However, her daughter can entertain herself for hours, unlike my brood who seek constant attention and will provoke each other just for an attention-seeking reaction…
I have four kids so it’s hard for me to imagine life with just two – most of my friends have three or four as well. From what I see, life with two would remain fairly simple and minimal, to be honest. You’d still fit in a compact car, could share a hotel room, take one child each on a roller coaster.
Miss Minimalist, it’s swings and roundabouts. My guess would be that if it is even crossing your mind to have a second one so soon, then your heart already knows what it wants. As soon as I held my first child in my arms, I knew I wanted a little brother/sister for him as soon as possible (and, no, I’m not one of those woman who love being pregnant – I hated it).
I’d say minimalism with children over a range of ages is tricky – not so much the “stuff” involved but the entertainment and conversation level. However, two kids close in age? Easy peasy.
:-)
Finally, for yourself, parenthood second time round can be a different experience. Less hysteria about germs and organic food and doing it all “right” and more time kissing fat little bellies. :-)
Sorry to be so lengthy.
Karen
(Scotland)
I think Acorn has a great idea: try and see what happens. At the very least, you will have a chance to minimize your use of birth control for a while! ;-)
That said, I believe there’s something very real about only child syndrome. Several of my dear friends are only children, and they have a very special kind of rigidity that they acquired from not having to consider the needs, wants, and feelings of a sibling. Now, my relationships with my siblings are not entirely harmonious (my brother and I do not talk regularly – but it’s not because of some big disagreement, just very different lives and goals in life – and my sister and I are not best buddies, but we’re reasonably close), but having a shared history with someone from an early age is comforting in a small but significant way.
My parents died when my siblings and I were young, so we aren’t faced with the prospect of caring for our elderly parents. My friends and my husband, though, have parents approaching that point. I am seeing first hand the benefits of having siblings to share the work and support each other.
As far as minimalism goes, for some time, darling #2 will be smaller than Plumblossom. If you choose the majority of clothing items and toys for her with an eye toward passing them along to another child following closely behind, you can get twice the mileage out of them. (Unpatterned clothes, solid primary color pants, and classic toys are appropriate for either gender. Add individualized touches to that base, just like adults would to a minimalist wardrobe!)
Of course, there are no guarantees in life. Having a sibling prepares us for the myriad changes we’ll experience down the road.
Best of luck and lots of love to all of you!
I have an almost 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. They are 18 months apart. What I tell people is that the first year was a blur. There were moments that were good, but overall, it felt like we were in survival mode.
Now, we are having a great time. We are done with diapers, they are best friends. We can go out and do things with little planning.
Obviously, I can’t address kids as they get older, but I have felt it getting easier each month. My kids wear the same size currently, so we have fewer clothes, and less to pack when we go out. (both girls)
They each have a few things that belong to only them (lovies they sleep with) and all other toys are shared.
While I have cut my possessions, the husband and kids (grandparents who give stuff) dont get minimalism.
I do sometimes wish we had stopped at one, I know, terrible to say. But, I am reminded why I wanted another when I see them play together, or hold hands walking across the street, or give sweet hugs.
The 18 months apart kids were planned hoping we could be done with baby stage sooner rather than later. Which was perfect until recently my hubby announced he wants another. ;) not sure what decision we will make.
You are brave for opening this up to comments. I’m sure you will get your share. But, since you asked… I have two young boys of my own and had one brother growing up. I say the best minimal thing to do would be to have two children and be done. I have never met an only child that says they enjoyed it and wouldn’t have changed it. The two I am thinking of specifically have made a point to have more children of their own so that their kids are not only children. There are so many lessons learned from siblings, memories shared, entertainment, etc. And if you still need convincing, there was a study done to find out how families ranked themselves in terms of happiness. Those with 2 daughters tended to be the happiest. So, Y chromosome not prevailing, you have a chance at that! : ) http://www.parenting.com/blogs/show-and-tell/kate-parentingcom/study-two-daughter-families-are-happiest
I think we have similar thinking to what you describe. We have one child, a six year old daughter. We were married for 9 years before deciding to have a baby. We are not planning to have any more children, but if we decide to do so, it would need to be soon.
Having one child has benefits. We take her with us everywhere. She get’s plenty of attention from both her parents. Financially speaking, we are able to do much more with her than we would be able to do with more than one. We love to travel, and the extra travel expense adds up quickly (especially for cruises and airline travel.)
Our daughter is an absolute joy to be around, and we love spending time with her. When we look around our friends who are parents of multiple children, their words and actions convey exhaustion, and most can’t wait to get a break from their kids. We have NEVER felt that way. We have never needed a break from our child.
As far as learning to share. Our daughter shares better than most other kids we know. In her toddler years, my wife was in several moms groups and made friends with other moms in the neighborhood. This gave her plenty of other kids to play with.
I have two brothers that I rarely speak to. As kids we were in constant competition with each other and were always fighting. My wife had a similar situation. I see this same thing repeating in other families as well. Maybe that’s part of the reason we decided to have just one child.
I would like to hear from some people that grew up as an only child. It would be nice to hear what they thought of their childhood and how things are now in adulthood.
We have an only child and she is wonderful. She is not lonely, bored, selfish, or any of the things that people like to say about onlies. She is active, friendly, creative, has lots of friends, and has a more active social life than most adults I know. We love our life and it has enabled us to be more minimal than we could have otherwise. We live debt free because we were able to purchase a small home for cash; we have a two bedroom, with more than one kid this wouldn’t be a possibility. We are able to travel and visit other places so much easier than my friends with more than one can.
I see many moms stretched so thin and I know my limits, I can devote all of myself to her and know its enough. I’m not rushed or hurried, in fact I strive to live the simple life, inspired by the Voluntary Simplicity movement.
All of the stereotypes of only children are not true. We know two other onlies, both a boy and a girl, and they are just as sweet as mine. This is a difficult decision that only the parents can make but think about what your inner compass tells you to do. For us having a smaller footprint, living debt-free and simply, and being the mom I want to be are all reasons we are One and Done.
Ha! Just now actually clicked on the link in my aforementioned article. At the bottom there is a link to the Time article on The Only Child. Turns out there is a benefit to that as well. Check it out. http://www.parenting.com/blogs/show-and-tell/kate-parentingcom/not-so-lonely-only
However, in this scenario it was the parents that were happier, not necessarily the children, even though they did score higher academically.
I strongly disagree with Andy as I am the only child of my parents! I shared with everything exessibly and wish I didn’t! I was raised to share and it depends on parents’ education and not on how many children there are in the family!
It is a strange reason – there are too many people in the world already to have the second child!
And it is LESS waistful for things to be used by the second child also, not just by one child!
I am not an only child, but am the child of two only children. My mother, who grew up in a loving family and did not lack for companionship to this day (she’s in her eighties) wishes that she had grown up with siblings. There must be a particular loneliness to being the focus of the family’s hopes and dreams.
As I grew up, I wanted to have a syster or brother. When I was a teenager, I enjoyed that I have everything to myself – the room, the attention. Now as I am after 30 I wish I have somebody else, although people around me don’t seem to be satisfyed with theirs’ siblings. My husband have a sister and they don’t get along together well – they don’t share similar values in life and she demands all the attention from my husband that he has to take out from our family, and she is in troubles everytime.
Anyway, I have one daughter (she is 5) and I’d love to have a son. It will be harder for us as for parents, but easier for children as they would be a support for each other even if parents are not around.
Ugh! I think people in this debate lose track of the idea that everyone grows up with issues. Nobody is perfect and we all wish something had been different about our childhoods. Being an only or growing up with siblings doesn’t change that. It MIGHT be the issue for a particular person, but it could go either way. There are no guarantees, so you should do what feels right for you and your family. It will all work out — as well as anything ever does :-)
I would not have a second child for the sole reason of a companion for Plumblossom. There is no guarantee that they will be loving and closet instead of jealous and competative.
Nor, would I based on our advice.
Ah, that would be “loving and close” not “loving and closet.”
I have three. I swear it’s easier with two than with one – and you have lots of baby clothes left from the one to another, as they grow out of them, not tear them. And then it doesn’t matter anymore whether there are three or four. My friend had only one (at the same time when I had my first). She decided to have no more, wanted to live a little, keep her figure etc. I had two more (nothing wrong with my figure, btw). Her child kept asking for bro or sis, and sometimes I caught him trading sweets or toys with my child for a possibility to play with my child’s little bro :) Three children are never bored – one very often is. I have asked them sometimes whether any of them would have liked to be an only child, and the answer always has been NOOOOOOOOOO! Some time ago they even asked for another bro or sis. My husband comes from a family of three, my parents had two, so that was a logical outcome.
I’m almost 35 and pregnant with my second child, a boy, due next week. He and his brother will be 23 months apart. While this pregnancy has not been easy with a toddler I’m just so thankful for Samuel to have a little brother to be his best friend. I am an only child and I hate it. I always wished for siblings and I am extraverted so it made it hard for me to be alone so much. We hope to have maybe 1 or 2 more children. Children are a blessing and a heritage from the Lord!
I am an only child, now 29, and although I won’t say that growing up I never wished for a brother or sister, overall I don’t feel I’m any worse off for not having had one. I think “only child syndrome” is mostly bunk. I could direct you to plenty of people with siblings who exhibit those traits. I grew up in a family that, while never “poor”, had exactly what we needed and never any extra. So I learned to be frugal and cognizant of the extent of my resources. I learned to be very comfortable being alone. That’s not to say that I was ever lonely – I had enough friends that I was never wanting for companionship, but I did not develop a need to be constantly surrounded by them. I was, and still am, just as content with company or without. As a result, I think I’m a more self-reliant adult.
Another important trait I learned was how to interact meaningfully with adults. We all know the kid that can’t look grownups in the face and have a real conversation because they’re just squirming to get away. I grew up with parents and a grandmother that from a young age talked to me as though they thought I was smart and respected my opinion. I played chess and Scrabble with Grandma and had long conversations about strategy and the meaning of words. Mom and I went on “adventures” where we’d pick a place we’d never been (Gettysburg, the Smithsonian, Niagara Falls!), pack some sandwiches and make a weekend of it, and Dad filled my head constantly with trivia about the wealth of random subjects that his spongelike brain had soaked up. It was really pretty excellent, and if I’d had a sibling my family might have been stretched much thinner and some of it would never have happened.
So I guess my point is: Have another baby only if you really, really want to. Don’t have one because you think Plumblossom needs a sibling. She doesn’t. She’ll be just great either way.
Hmm… I am the mother of 3, ages 23, 19, and 3. The 3yo is the only one that was planned. When I had him, at 36, I planned to have another at around 38-40, because I didn’t want him to be “alone”. Yes, he has siblings, but no-one in the home to grow up with. He has turned out to be ADHD, and I frankly don’t have the energy to run after another! Plus, we are a military family and my husband is about to leave again( my son is an “R&R” baby), so I’m a single parent about half the time. So, we’re not going to have another one.
Many of my friends are mothers to 2 or 3 children, yet my son is the one who acts up the most in the group. It’s not just that he’s an only, he’s ADHD and I’m learning how to parent him more effectively as this is a recent diagnosis. His personality and our military life, along with my age are the key factors in our choice to have just him.
Quoting Carme – “I think you can easily tell whether an adult has been raised as an only child (‘only child syndrome’), sadly not for good reasons (self-centred and confident to the point of arrogance.)”
Is it me, or do other non-selfish, non-arrogant only children find this offensive as well?
It is NOT just you, believe me. (And I’m not an only child, either. ) Seems to me that the “onlies” here are happy to say they’re doing fine for the most part, but many of the “no you must have more” people are more self-centered (“I know I’m right”) and arrogant (“only children are spoiled and lonely”). Interesting, huh?
Ha – interesting observation Linda.
Besides, how could the personality qualities of a future child possibly be anticipated?? It seems crazy to even speculate. For instance, an ex-bf of mine was one of the most self-centered and arrogant people I’ve ever met (I was young and naive and easily wowed at the time) and he was the oldest of 3! I think the most important part is how the kid is raised, rather than how many siblings. Also, the siblings-as-friends thing might happen, or it might not. It seems to me that the only reason to have a second kid is if you WANT a second kid. Some people just really want a second kid. But it seems insane to bank on future personality traits, or future friendships between the kids, or anything like that.
I agree with you about parenting being the most important thing. I was one of 5 but we only have one son. We find we can put more time and energy into teaching him to be a wonderful person. ie: sharing, helpful, kind, generous,friendly, loving. Personality of parents and child has a big impact, so you have to go with the flow of who you are and what your goals in life are.
I didn’t have the greatest experience growing up with a sibling, and neither did my partner. Although it seems to work out for a lot of people, there’s no guarantee that siblings will have good relationships with each other, learn to share from each other, etc. It’s not automatically beneficial for a child to have a sister or brother. Having said that, I think it’s nice to see sibling relationships that work out well, and wish it had been different for me.
Hello,
I feel like adding my thoughts to this question. I’ve been thinking about this for a while (even though I’m 26 and not having babies for now anyway) because as a child and teenager I remember suffering “because” of my sister. We were always fighting; we are very different, I like calm and she used to take (or steal, as I thought at the time) things from me, make a lot of noise with friends the night before my exams, I had to lock my bedroom with a key, I really felt bad about this. I felt also that my parents didn’t have time to take care of me as I needed, I felt lonely and finally I ended in hospital with a depression at age 15, while my sister hated me for “faking”. You can imagine how happy we were about each other ! I know this isn’t only related to my sister but it was an additionnal cause of suffering. (my parents are fine people with a PhD each, very smart and with a brave heart, and yet there were too much to do at a time for them to avoid all thoses problems, and I’m not free of all this today).
So that’s to say that having a sibling isn’t automatically bliss, and since I was a nice and well behaved, even compassionate child, I have no doubt I would have learned to share, maybe more easily if somebody hadn’t been taking things from me all the time (insecurity feeling!).
And now another thought. My sister and I are now both adults, and it’s much easier for me to get along with her now, and I can say that now, I’m glad I have some family. But it comes late, so I guess that between feeling sorry at 8 ou at 40, you can’t determine easily what’s better. What’s more, it depends heavily on the personnality of your children, and nobody can predict that, so the question isn’t “what will be better? what will happen ? ” (you will never get any answer to that, it depends on too many ,and people – including me- responding here have no idea about that) but “do I feel like it ?”
I hope you find the right decision for you,
Sincerely
Aurélie (from France, sorry if there are mistakes in the text)
I am an only child, now 33. I have never felt that I was lacking anything. There are pros and cons either way and there is no right answer.
And to answer Gloria, above, I enjoyed it and wouldn’t want to change it :)