If you’ve been following my blog lately, you know that I recently gave birth to my first child—a beautiful baby girl I call Plumblossom.
My husband and I waited a long time before deciding to settle down and procreate—so long, in fact, that my medical chart bore the lovely, geriatric-sounding “Advanced Maternal Age” label.
Which brings me to the subject of this week’s post… With my biological clock ticking (fast), DH and I need to make a decision soon as to whether we’re “one and done” or ready to try for another. It’s a tough call to make in the midst of first-time parenting sleep deprivation; however, we don’t have the luxury of waiting until Plumblossom is out of diapers to ponder a possible sibling.
Whenever I’ve imagined myself as a mother, it’s generally been to one child. In part, it’s because I’d like to resume our unstructured, nomadic lifestyle once our daughter is a little older; and it seems that planning around the needs, whims, and moods of one child would be much easier than two. We’d be able to devote our full attention and resources to her, and someday bestow on her a travel fund instead of struggling to put multiple children through college.
And yes, it seems more minimalist—with one child, we could get by with less stuff, smaller spaces, and fewer time commitments (be they doctor’s appointments, school activities, etc.).
On the other hand, I’ve seen the wonderful sibling interaction among my friends’ kids, and worry that Plumblossom may spend too many lonely hours wishing for a little brother or sister.
Both my husband and I have siblings, and therefore no experience with what it’s like to be an only child. So this week, instead of posting any words of wisdom or advice, I’m asking you for yours.
I know some of you will advise me to leave it to fate—a charming idea, to be sure, but one I’m not entirely comfortable with when it comes to major, life-altering decisions.
What I’d really like to hear are your experiences: did you decide to have just one child (or more) and why? What are the pros and cons to having (or being) an only child? Do you find minimalism becomes more challenging with each addition, or do shared possessions make for a greater “economy of stuff”?
Thanks in advance to all who respond–I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
As an only child (though not one of minimalist parents) whose friends and cousins all had siblings, I can say that I’m GLAD my parents decided to stop with one. I was not a lonely child, had plenty to do, and was able to experience more things (travel, for example) with my parents because they only had to provide for one. My mother won a teaching exchange in France, for example, and I doubt we’d have been able to afford that had there been more children.
I had friends, and cousins, and school mates with which I could interact. I had books and a dollhouse and my imagination. I have NEVER wished for a sibling. I’m very glad my parents decided to concentrate on one child. But that’s just my experience.
I think growing up with 3 siblings is what pushed me toward minimalism in the first place. Our household was chaotic at best, with lots of sibling rivalry and messiness. We didn’t evolve to something near friendly until we were adults. I know my parents often expressed that they would like a bit of time to themselves in peace and quiet. I don’t think that’s selfish of parents – I think it’s a necessity in today’s environment with all of the pressures of everyday life. My parents were well off; I can’t imagine what it would have been like adding financial pressure on top of that as well.
We elected to have one child and we’ve observed some of the things the others posted. Our son is now 14, is polite and introspective, a very good student, and enjoys spending time on weekends and after school with his friends. If we have the capacity, we sometimes take his friends (one or two) with us out to dinner, to a movie or to the mall. The important part is that it’s a choice, not an obligation and it doesn’t disrupt our daily life like it would if they were all ours. And honestly, from the time our son was a toddler, he liked spending time quietly playing, drawing or reading on his own. When we visit with my sister’s kids (10 between the two of them), he notices the chaos and has remarked on more than one occasion that he’s glad he’s an only child. I believe that we made the right choice for our family and are enjoying traveling with our son, experiencing new things, and not stressing about how we’ll send him to college.
I am planning on only having one child at the moment, but I worry about when my daughter is older and she won’t have her parents around any more. I think having a larger family can be a blessing and I hope you wouldn’t have more kids just because it might mess up your house or how many possessions you own.
I understand your concern that your daughter might not have her parents, hopefully that is a long way off! However, she will still have family and friends who love her whether they are siblings or not. My husband is an only child and both of his parents died when he was in high school. While I am sure he misses them, he still has family. We celebrate holidays with his aunt and uncle and cousins. He and I are our own family too. I also come with family that loves him – sometimes I wonder if more so than me! And we have close friends, some who are like family. My point is that your daughter won’t be alone in the world even if she is an only child. She will likely form strong bonds with other people in place of bonds she might have had with a sibling.
Yes, but your husband only has family because someone had more than one child. My father died when I was 33. At that point I was the only member of my family left on that side, as only children had beget only children for several generations. I still have my mother, yes, but once she is gone, the only family I will have is my husband and two children. My children have one uncle and aunt through my husband, and no cousins.
First – LOVE THAT I FOUND THIS BLOG A FEW WEEKS AGO. I am currently trying to become a minimalist to the best of my ability and means. I have gone from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom apt in 2 years and still getting rid of posessions because they do possess you!
OK, I’m a 28 yr old only child and I loved every minute! My mother and father were divorced, and dad died when I was 12… but my mom was my best friend! I wouldnt change a thing. If you have a good relationship with your daughter, she will never want for a sibling. I lived in the suburbs, had neighborhood friends who kept me busy and I hardly was bored, if I was, I had tons of toys due to being the only child to buy for. I didnt have the best of everything as it was just my mom raising me, but I had enough.
The only negative I could ever see was that I can tend to be selfish sometimes or a bit of a control freak, which I am always working on…. I think it stems from not having to compeate with other kids for attention or the TV or whatever.
Other than that, my best friend in the whole world was also an only child and we often discuss that fact — both agree we wouldnt change it. :)
Good luck on whatever you choose! Plumblossom will be fine no matter what! :)
I have two siblings, and now have 3 kids of my own (16, 14 and 11). My life is chaotic at times, my kids argue, sometimes they are glad to have sibs, sometimes not. There are times I need a break from the noise, but I never need a break from them. (In fact, they have been told that they can live anywhere they want as long as they are NEVER more than one hour from me. lol) There are times they make me crazy, but more often they just amaze me. I love that they have a shared history, and that I get to hear the conversations they are having when they don’t know I am listening. They will yell at each other and ten minutes later be playing a game or laughing at some nonsense they are making up. I feel privileged to get to watch all three of them grow as people. I am very blessed.
My DH and I are both only children, and while dating we both declared we did not want the same for our kids… but after having a child within a year of getting married and then him losing his job, leaving us really messed up financially for a few years, a second child became a back-burner item and he decided maybe not to have more. I was pushing for another, just because I didn’t want too long in between kids (my definition = 10 years). So now we’re about to have our 2nd… guess who turned 10 earlier this year? ;) I’m definitely in the “advanced maternal age” category but I don’t feel any older and am in better shape than I ever was. We’re actually considering having a 3rd in a year or two… If I can convince him lol
I grew up an only child and I have never wished for siblings. I believe there were benefits to me as well, such as learning how to get along great with adults at an early age, and getting a lot of educational attention.
Your baby will live a full and happy life no matter what as long as you show her love and care for her the best that you can.
Having more than one child does have its minimalist advantages. You get the advantage of experience, the economy of scale, and the reuse of clothes and other items, your home is already baby-proof, and you get to reap the tax benefits of another deduction. If you don’t insist on vacationing in exotic locales (it costs the same for one person to drive to point X as it does for 4!) and sending everyone to the best private school, your finances wouldn’t be stretched thin either. But of course the human equation is not about minimalism, it’s about you and your family and what you want. You will find both opportunities and challenges (and more blog posts concerning minimalism and parenting, I would think) if you choose to expand your family. The only thing I know for sure is that I’ve never heard, “I wish I had fewer children,” only: “I wish I had another.” If that’s your sentiment, then it’s the right choice, whatever your other reasons may be. If it’s not your sentiment, then it’s the right one too! Don’t let anyone “morally” compel you to have more or less children than you and your husband want.
My mum told me that if she could start her live over again she would never have had kids….
I have two kids, a boy and a girl, with 18months difference. I have so many friends with one child only and looking at them I think we are (me and hubby) so lucky and my kids also. Definetely a child should have a sibling. My kids are best friends, fight, play and really love each other very deeply.
One of my dearest friends is an only child she’s one of the strongest and most determined people I know.
On the other hand, I have an older sister and two older brothers. The age difference with my sister has meant that we never really developed a close bond although I love her dearly. My brothers are much closer to my age and while I was close with them growing up, I am not now. At all. I do look back fondly on my time as a kid with siblings but as we got older, my siblings were responsible for some of the greatest pain and betrayal of anyone I’ve known in my life. As dramatic as that may sound, it’s very true.
I hear people say that more siblings means a larger family later in life but, if I have learned anything, it is that blood relation does not necessarily make a family. Other than my mother, the people who have sacrificed the most for me, who have loved me the most and been there for me unconditionally have not been related by blood. Pressed to define my family, of the six people I would name, only one is my blood relative.
Furthermore, I would argue that adopting is probably the most minimalist route you could take. The world is deeply burdened by children who have no homes and (please don’t take this as a judgement) it is really hard for me to justify breeding more children when there are so many already. You need to do what is right for you but I would imagine that adopting a child would teach Plumblossom so much about love and family.
Yes! <3!
Yes!!!
I am an only child and decided at a very young age that if I ever become a mother I will have at least two children. I always felt that I was never the child of the family; I was the third adult in the team.
Considering that you will be continuing your minimalist nomadic life at some point, and imagining I were your child, I would LOVE to have a sibling with whom to experience the adventures on a same level, to have company when parents are busy, to have someone to share my little secrets with, to have support when meeting new kids in new places.
The early years when kids are small and require a lot of work will go so fast. It may seem overwhelming now, but I wish you courage to consider a second child. They grow up so fast – sooner than you can imagine off they go, into their own adventures!
Another thing you need to consider is the possibility of going from one child to three if you were to become pregnant with twins. That happened with us, and now we have four lovely children. This really is a tough decision you’ll have to make because no one else will live your life. I love my children dearly, and they bring a great deal of joy, but they bring strife as well. I have a younger brother who is great now in his 30s, but when he was a teenager I would have gladly traded him for just about anything. It’s nice to know that he’ll be helping me as our parents age, and need caring for eventually. Good luck on your decision, and congratulations on being able to make such a decision.
Such an interesting question! My husband and I are expecting our first and since I’m not quite “advanced maternal age” but am getting there, we have asked ourselves if this will be it or if we’re going to have more. We had such a hard time getting here in the first place, I wonder if it will be “left up to fate,” but at the same time – I think we’re leaning towards trying for another one if we are so blessed. I can’t really explain the decision, but it just feels right to us. Good luck. Follow your gut.
I became an only child at the age of 6 after my brother ( 3 years older) passed away in a tragic car accident. When I started having children I knew from the get go that I would have at least 3 because I , myself, hated being left alone after my brother passed. Here I am with 4 children ages 15, 14, 12, and 10. I LOVE , LOVE , LOVE it!! There is something to be said for having 4 children close in age. The ultimate in minimalism is the amount of toys I have ever purchased. I never bought a lot of toys because my children always made up games and played with each other. Menu planning is simple…meatball Monday, taco Tuesday, vegetarian Wednesday, chicken Thursday and pizza Friday . Weekend meals are up for grabs. My kids do one sport per season and are not given all of the choices some other kids. Having 4 kids so close in age forces you to simplify!! I say “go for it”!! Best of luck to you and congrats on your little one… kids are great !!
Wow, such a tough one, Francine. No doubt, more than one child makes minimalism a significant challenge. That said, the joy of watching my kids interact with one another and care and nurture and yes, fight, is incomparable. I love that they are a little unit and will have each other (hopefully) long after I am gone.
Having more than one is definitely harder, but the additional joy is exponential!
Good luck with whatever you decide. Plumblossom will be fine either way. :)
I was the oldest of 5 siblings. Honestly, I think being a lonely child do not suit me well. I have several friends who wished they had siblings so they can talk to them. Today, we all are adults and we joke, call up on each other, seek advice from each other, and share memories. Being alone in the world is tough. So having a close relationship with another sibling(s) is/are the best in the world. What if you and your husband passed away. What if your child do not have maternal or paternal relatives. Would your child be all alone in the world? Let alone friends to live with? I think having a sibling (be it one more or two more or whatever best fits your needs) may be best for your first child. So they have someone to rely on, share memories, and yes, you can travel with two kids! My parents (my dad is from France) frequently traveled to France and other countries, as well as all over United States and dragged us all five kids. Those were the best times! So if you feel the need to have another child, go for it. And you can still practice minimalism. I do. My house is very clean. My child loves to vacuum, or attempted to, with my husband. He’s only 3 but he loves to have his bedroom clean. Every evening, when I tell him to go to bed, he would say, I gotta clean up! So he’ll clean up his toy space. No complaints. Reward? I read him many books he wants. Or take a bath. He is very organized and very picky on staying clean. I have another child on the way and I’m so looking forward to meeting her. I’m not worried about sleep. My sleep will catch up when my children grow older. So….GO for another one! Who said you can’t travel if you will have two or more children? My sister in law have four kids and at their very young ages, they traveled and lived all over the world. Incredible mom with four kids! :) (Sorry I typed too much….just trying to make a point!)
My husband is an only child and by the time he was 21 he had lost both parents and all grandparents. He is not alone in the world and does not wish he had any siblings. Even when a person has siblings, they aren’t always the close relationships that parents want for their kids.
I’m in the same boat right now. Although I’m not “advanced maternal age”, my husband and I are always contemplating adding to our wonderful 2.5 yr old son. But now we’re 85% sure he will be our only child. Aside from minimalism, society, and the mother-in-law, really all you need to ask your self is “Do I want another child?” If you do then go for it! If you don’t then move on with your life and don’t dwell on your decisions. I believe children’s attitudes feed off of their parents, so if you are happy with an only child, your child will be happy too.
I grew up an only child. Minimalism wasn’t a part of that upbring though. But it IS because of my mother’s need for STUFF that has driven me to DESIRING and TRYING to live a less-stuff existence.
Let me say, that as an only-child…yes, you have your moments of wishing for something more, but doesn’t everyone? All my friends used to wish to be only-children! But it was never an OVERWHELMING thought or desire. Our reality and “norm” is in being an only-child. Its the only thing we know. And there ARE alot of benefits. I think the whole crux of a successful only-child or not is the type of parents you become. I never imagined myself as the mother of an only-child because my mother didn’t handle it well and I didn’t want to have the same issues. But I am NOT my mother in most ways. And circumstances were that I DID have an only child and moving around too much kept me from starting an adoption process. Besides…my one child WAS enough for me. You will need to be careful of not giving Plumblossom her space…room to be who SHE is, not your desire for her. Let her have some independence. Let her have friends. Resist the urge to keep her and everyone she knows under your thumb. Don’t be a CONTROL FREAK! You don’t seem the type….but parenting brings news sides of oneself out. And learn to relax as she gets older about your parenting. Yes, you will be “winging it” much of the time. That’s ok. No one is perfect. No matter how much they want you to think they are.
Just keep in mind that if you, her mother, is happy and has a life outside of being just a mother….she will be a happier only-child. Don’t make her your whole world. Yes, our children should be our world….but there’s a line there and it makes a HUGE difference in raising an only-child.
I think having a sibling would be great for Plumblossom. I have two daughters less than two years apart and it is a joy to see them interact. The older takes care of and teaches the younger, who adores her! They fight, but that presents me as the mother with opportunities to instill character lessons. :) Plus, having flown with my little sister a lot, they make great traveling companions, just like you and your husband, I am sure. I highly recommend it!
I am not a mother (although I’d love to be one!!), but an older sister of three younger siblings. And I’ve ALWAYS been glad not to be alone, not be the sole centre of my parents’ attention – couldn’t stand it!! I love my parents and they are great people (not minimalists), but still. My best friend is an only child and her parents have been having a number of issues lately. She finds it quite overwhelming to be the one making decisions for them (they are not that old) and to bear the whole responsibility alone. She’d love to have a brother or sister to share it with.
My opinion is: DEFINITELY GO FOR ANOTHER! It is absolutely worth it and makes life so much more interesting. My two brothers have 10 kids between them (one 3 and one 7) and each one is such a uniquie personality! It is just incredibly interesting and rewarding!
I am an only child and can say it’s utterly frustrating to read how only children are lonely and spoiled and generally not nice to be around. Often when people find out I am an only child they say, “oh, but you don’t seem like one…” Thanks?
No matter whether you have one child or ten the child will have some issue to work through when they grow up. Whatever choice is best for you and your husband will be best for your child.
As an only child I was able to have more friends over, travl more, my mom was able to be more involved in my life and I could have peace and quiet when I wanted it. There are always kids around to play with when you want them. At times I thought a sibling would be interesting but it was never a big deal.
The only downside I find as an adult is that my mother, father and aunt (who never married or had children) will have no one but me to care for them when they age. I often think it would be nice to have a sibling to share the responsibility with. But then I know individuals who have a poor sibling relationship or whose sibling has problems and could not help anyway. A sibling is no guarantee of help or joy.
I always wanted children. It was an emotional thing. I waited until my husband was ready and then pregnancy didn’t happen for over a year. Then I had a miscarriage. Devastation. I bought a large dog. Finally, I got pregnant again at 37. When they brought me my son, I knew at once I wanted another. Completely emotional thing. It took another 3 years and a second miscarriage to have son #2. When they brought son #2, I knew I was done. Emotional thing. Because I was so old we had every possible test done on the fetus — all fine.
Son #1 desperately wanted a sibling. Son #2 turned out to be autistic (I was 40, the eggs were old) and turned our lives upside down. I love him dearly, but if I had it to do over again I would have ignored my raging emotions and stopped at one.
My spouse was an only child and he had no regrets about not having a sibling. He was close in age to his first cousins, and they became like siblings. I was the eldest, the only girl with 2 pesky younger brothers I could have lived without.
It is such a personal decision that others’ experience can’t guide you. I can only say that if the emotional need to have another child is overwhelming, do it. Do it soon. Otherwise, stop at one.
You have a very familiar story. I have several friends who have had similar journeys to parenthood. I personally know the emotional pull to have children is very strong. Please do not blame yourself about the autism, though. Research has shown that this is a trait which is 4 times more likely if the FATHER is over the age of 40 at conception. (It is also much more common in male children.) So, while it used to be common to “blame the mother” or “blame the egg,” in this case, the sperm quality/normality of an older father is a much more likely reason for the condition.
I have a friend whose 5 year old daughter begged for a sibling for years until finally her parents were able to provide her with one. The 2nd child has autism and the older daughter’s life has been turned upside-down, and not in a good way. The mother has expressed sentiments similar to yours. I applaud you for your efforts, for I know that your life is not easy. Continue to be strong and love your family. That’s all we can do once we have the family that we have:)
This is a subject I know very well, both as a parent and as a child.
My parents intended to have at least two children. I, too, intended to have more than one child. In both instances there were medical reasons for no further pregnancies. My relationship with my adult son is terrific, but my relationship with my own parents is awful.
The real issue here is not “only child syndrome” but the Great Crapshoot of genetics and environment, over which you have only limited control. Some onlys are generous, some are not; some are ambitious, some are not; some are self-obsessed, some are not. Some are the way they are because of their upbringing, and some are the way they are because they’re inherently wired that way.
You work with what you got.
The only true control we have as parents is self-control. Self-awareness is also critical–being aware of your own quirks, acceptance that you are not perfect, acceptance of others’ preferences and differences (and therefore acceptance of your child’s), and taking responsibility for your neuroses and obsessions will do more to create a great environment for a child, only or not, than any other factor. With self-awareness it is easier to create a sense of fairness, of fair play, to be a consistent but not rigid parent to a child and a friend when that child becomes an adult in turn. The self-aware parent is most likely to create a self-aware child, which in turn vastly reduces the chances of self-obsession, neurosis, and sociopathy.
There are some things to be mindful of as the parent of an only child. For instance, your own rigidity–a child plus even just one sibling changes the balance of power in a household. An only child can easily feel outnumbered by two adults, whereas siblings can observe what happens when one of them asserts themselves and then gain confidence. If you are aware that this could happen, you can set things in place to buffer it a little and give the only kid a chance to just be a kid, and to have a voice as a kid.
As a Minimalist, you will probably have the over-indulgence tendencies under control, which should help prevent the dissipation that spoiled only children are prone to exhibit. But as a Minimalist, you will have to look out for rigidity, especially if Plumblossom turns out to have the soul of a collector; good parenting, Minimalist or otherwise, means knowing which battles are worth fighting, and which are not.
The other comments point out the unpredictability of how well siblings will get along. Squabbling children can make life hell for a parent as well as each other. Children that get along with one another are a blessing. My parents desperately miss their brothers and sisters, who have all passed away. I’m used to being alone, and do not fear it.
So, Francine, I agree with Erin that you should only have another child if you really, really want to, and not for the sake of your daughter. If you have sufficient self-control and self-awareness as a mother, she won’t need a sibling.
I too am an only child and I have to say that I absolutely love it! When I was younger (particularly between ages 4-10) I remember frequently asking for a sibling, but then I was also asking for a puppy or a kitty or a pony, so I think any form of playmate would have sufficed. As I got older I was very happy to be on my own, and now that I am grown I am immensely grateful that my parent’s stopped at one.
Hmmm… unless you and your husband are positive that you both want a second child, then I say don’t have another one. If in a few years you change your mind, then you can adopt. That being said if you do decide to have a second one, it would not be too much extra expense. Most travel packages these days are for families of four, you would be able to reuse lots of clothes and toys, and you might not necessarily need to get a bigger home (sharing bedrooms, etc).
Fascinating discussion!!!
I’ve read all the comments & considering I’d never considered the number of children (as I’ve not even decided about having them at all) it really throws a lot of thoughts out there.
I think the arguements for an only child are pretty good! But the one that hit home was about the fact that kids don’t always get on – as kids or adults… I forget because I have a great relationship with my sisters that actually not all siblings get on.
I guess we don’t get to choose the dynamics. From a personal point of view I find it encouraging to hear of so many only children and their lovely childhoods.
I am not a mother (yet) but I am the oldest of four children in my family. I can tell you from my experiences growing up that I was very jealous of my friend who was an only child who didn’t have any siblings to compete with and whose parents doted on her, only her. I can also tell you as an adult that I feel differently. I am so grateful for my siblings and even though we don’t always get along, I value their support and validation. I can tell you that the friends I have who are only children as adults seem lonely, isolated and often somewhat “spoiled” to me. Not only that, I think being surrounded by siblings (or a sibling) while growing up teaches one important life lessons ie: the ability to compromise and how to relate to others.
I’m a widow with 4 children, ages 6-14. I am very glad we had four children before my husband passed away. Each one is a unique gift from God. It can be a challenge and there are disadvantages at times to having more than 2…you get excluded from invitations and such. But they support each other and we create our own community whatever we are doing. But I know families with only children that are very happy also. I think there is a tendency to look at the negatives of whatever your situation in life and blame the normal troubles on being an only or being one of many, being oldest or being youngest, being the fattest or the smartest, whatever it is that makes you feel you stand out. Only you and your spouse can make the decision ultimately to take on another challenge or decline the invitation to expand the family. Best of luck!
lol! Yes, we get excluded from invitations too (a family of six over for dinner is just TOO much for most people!)
I always try to meet people outside – parks, the beach, a local hill. So much easier to socialise when the kids aren’t bouncing off walls. My sister suggested going to the new national museum in Edinburgh last summer and I nearly fainted at the horror of taking my four on the train, through Edinburgh’s windy Old Town and into a “place of culture”.
:-)
Karen
(Scotland)
I have a daughter and a son, 4 years apart. For a while it looked like we would only have my daughter and I was totally fine with having only one child. We took her on several big trips when she was under 4 years old and she proved to be a great traveler. However, we did end up having my son and I am so glad we did for several reasons. The number one reason for me right now is related to my aging parents and relatives. As parents age and decline, serious health issues crop up and their children bear the burden of tending to them. This is a much bigger burden for the only child. I am one of 4 children and both my parents are living. However, both of them have developed health issues. My father, in particular, has Parkinson’s disease and requires long term care. My mother is in her seventies and will not be able to manage the day to day situation for much longer. I am so thankful that I am not alone with the sole responsibility to care for my parents. A second reason is that my kids keep each other company even though they have dramatically different interests. Up until the last year, they got along very well. Now they argue fairly often, but nothing prolonged or serious. But I attribute this change in their relationship to my son starting to assert himself and not necessarily go along with everything my daughter wants him to do. Also, my daughter is 13 and starting to show signs of teenage disinterest, and her sometimes dismissive attitude toward my son really bugs him. Third, they teach each other daily how to get along with others. I have two nephews who are only children. When normal conflict arises between my kids and my nephews, the parents of both nephews think it is a big deal. My one SIL has often commented that her son never acts like that at home. Not surprising since he has no one else with whom he has to share his TV, computer, toys and parents’ attention. Fourth, there’s a health concern. One nephew is overweight and spends the majority of his free time playing video games and watching TV, whereas my kids are often outside riding bikes together or otherwise engaged in active play. The younger nephew loves to come to my house and play with my kids, but my brother complains that at home he typically wants to watch TV rather than play alone with his toys or go outside. Finally, the only child has the complete focus and attention of both parents. This is certainly great some of the time, but not all the time. A second child can give the first child a much needed break from all that parental positive and negative attention and give the parents a much broader perspective.
From a minimalist perspective, having a boy and a girl hasn’t been particularly helpful since they wear different clothes and have different interests, so different books, toys, sports equipment, etc. However, the fact that I came from a big family with lots of cousins has helped in that we have been able to share maternity clothes, kids clothes, toys, baby equipment, bikes, etc.
I think you should consider adoption. You could adopt a child older than Plumblossom and have both of them out of the house the same time you would if you only had one child.
That’s a great idea:)
In the point of view as a minimalist then one child is great. Less stuff to own and less stuff to buy. But in the point of view as an only child, which I am, then in my experience I hated being an only child. Sure I had the undivided attention of my mother but when I was younger and all my friends had gone home I was alone and quite lonely. I rarely saw my cousins who were about my age, so maybe if I had seen them more then my opinion would be different but growing up and to this day I have always wished for a sibling. As parents no doubt you’ll be great loving parents but from what I been told and have seen in regards to family there’s nothing like having a brother or sister to grow up with. But that is only my opinion and experiences, so please follow your own heart and I’m positive that you and your family will grow together filled with love and devotion no matter how many children you have. Kayleigh :)
Whether or not your daughter would feel lonely would depend on her personality. For the first two years of my life I was raised by my grandparents, as an only child. I had a very large extended family of aunts, uncles, and pictures show me to be very happy. At 2.5 I went to live with my mother and her new husband and was the oldest of 6 children. My mother didn’t stay in touch with the extended family much, my only other contact was my grandparents. I was never close to my siblings and as adults they have brought me nothing but pain.
At 14 I again returned to live with my grandparents. As the only child again. But my life was so much fuller. We traveled summers when my grandfather took his vacations, and we spent a lot of time with the extended family again.
I had friends who were only children and wouldn’t have it any other way. I was happier with being an only, yet having the extended relatives around.
When my grandparents, who I viewed as my parents, passed away, I still had all the cousins, and other extended family there with me.
As a mother I had two sons. They are so very different and other when very small were never close. They tolerate each other when together, but I believe once I pass away they won’t get together much. Their closest friends tend to be more like siblings to them, which reminds me so much of me.
My oldest wishes he had been an only child simply because he tends to prefer solitude, my youngest is very outgoing and always wished I had 5 or 6 more children! He and his wife plan on having three as they feel more would be too many in this economic time.
So what will your daughter want? I believe it will be all in her personality and how much contact she has with other relatives and chances to make friends.
good luck with your decision.
Really it doesn’t matter :) Whatever you decide will be right for your family. If you choose not to have another child you can ensure that plumblossom gets plenty of interaction with family and friends. She will not suffer. I would encourage you to find a place where you can be still and look deep within yourself. Trust that you have the wisdom to make the right choice for your family. As you contemplate which way to go, look for the path that brings you deep abiding peace and follow it. I haven’t been reading your blog long enough to know if you are a person of faith, or not. If you do connect with a higher power you might simply ask for guidance and then sit back and wait.
I’m an only child, and have never felt lonely. I moved around a lot too, and always have been able to make friends quickly, even when I barely understood the language (as a 8 year old in Greece, where my mom lived for a while.) Our home life always felt calm and comfortable, a far cry from the craziness of some of my friends’ houses, where siblings would often be fighting and screaming. You still learn all necessary social skills as an only child, just in other ways.
In general, if you have a one child mindset then one child will create serenity and more than one will create chaos. If you have a more-than-one mindset then one will create loneliness and more than one will create comfort. So the right decision is to know yourself. In your post you sound like me 18 years ago. I have one child and feel confident that I made the right decision.
Have one more child and I promise you, you will never regret that decision. Stop at one, and you just might.
One is enough, given your age and your lifestyle, I think. Most of the time, siblings fight with each other and never play together lol! This is what I, older child, and many other friends of mine with numerous sibling say. Your girl will make friends, learn to be strong and independant, and to get out of boredome by herself. I say, your experience of motherhood will be perfect just as it is. Keep it simple and warm.
I have thought about this from examples in my own life: My mother had five children. She really wanted to stop at four, and when she got pregnant by accident (old school Catholic back then), she was quite upset. In the end, it turned out that the extroverted fourth child needed the fifth for company and it was much better with them both than with just one in terms of how it would affect all of the family’s happiness. On the other hand, my (somewhat introverted) boyfriend was an only child, and has never once desired a sibling. He loved being an only child. He does bear the burden of watching out for his partially disabled mother, and acknowledges that a sibling might have helped. I often didn’t like having so many sisters as a child, but I am so very glad for each of them now, as an adult. I think it just depends. There really is no right answer for this which you can figure out ahead of time. Good luck!
My husband and I (and our two children) started our minimalist journey 2 years ago when we moved in with my parents to save up enough money to buy a house. We bought a small (1000sq ft) house that we figured would be perfect for a family of 4 and after living here for a month found out that I was pregnant with baby 3 (surprise!). We’ve managed to fit ourselves comfortably into this home and maintain a much more minimalist lifestyle with 3 kids than we did when we had just one before we started on this journey. Whatever clothes, toys, or books we receive that we don’t want or need we donate or sell so we keep our possessions down. The kids understand that they can have fewer toys that are nicer but since they are you (5, 3, and 7 months) they are definitely influenced by commercials and other kids’ toys,
As much as I love my children it is incredibly difficult having 3. Especially since they have been alternating being sick nonstop since January (when my oldest started preschool). That helped cement my decision to homeschool with a very simple, minimalist approach which has actually been going very well. Travel is difficult with three but we actually manage to fit all of our luggage into one medium sized duffle bag when we go on trips. People are amazed at how little luggage we have compared to some people with one child that need a minivan to haul all of their baby’s belongings. I didn’t plan on having 3 children but i wouldn’t trade it for the world. Good luck with whatever decision you make – it will be the right one for your family!
Ok, so I am the only child of two only children, married to an only child of two only children, so I claim some authority on this subject :-)
Pros:
From an early age I was comfortable in adult company and carried this through to adulthood as a confidence with people who are superior to me in a hierarchy.
My speech, vocabulary, manner etc were always advanced as a result of more adult-level interaction in the family. I went to adult places with adults and did fairly grown up things. Again, in adulthood I think this still manifests itself as a confidence in environments that others might find intimidating.
Money was not a real issue for my parents but if I were to have two children rather than one there’s things that I would like to be able to give them that I would not be able to (a lot of travel, exposure to any sport/activity they are interested in, private education).
I (and every other only child I have ever met) am very independent, happy to go places on my own without feeling awkward. I never get bored as I am able to entertain myself.
Cons:
I dread the day my parents become ill and I have to deal with it on my own, practically and emotionally. I am grateful to have my husband and know that we will support each other in this situation, but not all only children are so lucky.
Growing up my family was very adult-focussed. My parents tended to do what they wanted with me tagging along. I missed out on a lots of more child-friendly activities that other kids did that they didn’t want to do. (Disclaimer – while I think this is an easier trap to fall into with an only child it doesn’t have to happen!)
Because I had less interaction with other children (no siblings or siblings friends in house) I tended to be awkward around other children.
My parents smothered me. (Again, this is not inevitable!)
I am used to a very few, intense, close relationships which I have carried into adulthood which means I tend to be overly dependent on a few people and find it hard to foster a wide network of friends. I like to think that if I had an only child I would try to open the family up to friends as much as possible and really foster the idea of family being wider than blood relations. I think it’s easy for a small family to become very insular.
An only child has a wider effect down the generations – it means no cousins, aunts/uncles etc for the next generation. I feel this keenly in my family set up and would like to start reversing the pattern.
I had only one child because of economic reasons. And later on because I knew my marriage was in trouble, so I did not want to bring another baby into the picture. I too am an older Mom. My son will be 24 next month and is a new recruit in the Air Force. Although there was never a lot of money, he had more advantages than I did with two siblings. My husband, at the time, and my self kept him busy in sports, scouting, art, music, and whatever else we could squeak in. I don’t think we could have done that if we had more children. I have not really pined for more children and he rarely ever mentioned the desire for siblings, he has cousins and friends and other family members who care for him. In short, I guess, I would have welcomed more babies if an unexpected pregnancy occured, but am fine even though it didn’t. Good luck with what ever choice you make!
Hi Francine,
I’m happy to be able to share my thoughts on this matter. I have a headache so please forgive me if I’m not entirely coherent. I have 1 older sibling but grew up feeling like an only child, due to such a vast difference in our ages. While it had some positives (such as more attention), it was very lonely. My mother was my best friend and after a while, it got tiring. I decided that when I would get married, I would have four children. I don’t know why I chose the number four, it just felt right.
I’ve just given birth to our fourth child and while some days it is absolutely CRAZY at our place, I wouldn’t change it for a thing. Each child has bought something absolutely beautiful and wonderous to our family and it’s not something I could ever want to take back – Not for the sake of minimalism or more money or less mess. My children all love one another – They are each other’s best friends and enemies all at once. I find that beautiful. They will have 3 other people who share their DNA, who shared their upbringing and who will share their looks, personalities and memories. YOU CAN’T BUY THAT. You can’t even put a price on that. Yes, it’s harder to raise 2 children than it is 1 when it comes to finances and time commitments but I don’t think one should actually measure the pro’s/con’s this way.
Just my thoughts anyway..
Precisely how I feel. And my reasons for choosing four were similar to yours ie gut feeling that it was right for us.
:-)
Karen
(Scotland)
Children are a blessing and the more the merrier. Forget all this propaganda about taking up the earth’s resources.
I am fiftysomething and so thankful for my two adult kids…looking back I would have had more!
Reading all of these makes me smile. And wince at times. If you have one, that will be the right thing for you. If you have more, that will be the right thing. Sometimes people plan for more and don’t get them, or adoption falls through. We cannot control life (or our kids), and that’s OK.
I have three siblings, and I remember being quite lonely in my family anyway. Now that we are grown, we’re not that close, and I usually feel I have to “protect” myself to some extent in interactions with them. On the other hand, I don’t think I would have been happier as an only, necessarily. There are SO many variables.
My husband and I have one child and won’t be having any more, partly by choice but partly due to life occurrences beyond our control. Our daughter has always had plenty of friends and we open our house to them. On the other hand, we just took her to DC for a “spring break” trip, and she chose NOT to take a friend along – she wanted to be just with the family, at age 14! We had a blast. What a treat for us as parents, knowing college is fast approaching.
I think if you have one child, the main thing is to surround yourself with community of whatever kind: gardening, music, faith, art, neighborhood, whatever floats your boat. I think the same applies if you have more than one, actually. The American “ideal” of the self-sufficient, “nuclear” (appealing, no?) family is a recipe for isolationism and us-against-the-world-ism no matter how many kids you have. You can choose to have a large family just by hosting or attending regular gatherings of people you love, respect, and admire, who will be good role models and lifelong friends for your child or children. Teach Plumblossom to be a citizen of the world and she’ll be more than fine. And she’ll be a world healer – a giver, not a taker.
We also choose to live with more free time than money, and having one has been so nice- for traveling, especially (Mexico, Norway, England, Turkey so far). Also, If we had more children, we wouldn’t be able to give them each quite as many opportunities as she’s had – lessons, time with us, etc. Which would be OK too.
I’m surprised that a gang of minimalists hasn’t mentioned another reason to have one child. Every child of a “first-world” family uses exponentially more of the world’s resources, and adds to its pollution, than does a child in developing countries. Check out “Maybe One,” a book about having one child by choice, by Bill McKibben. Worth reading even if you decide to have more. (It’s always seemed weird to me when people with lots of kids bristle at this topic – if they love their kids, don’t they want to make sure their grandchildren and great-grandchildren have a healthy world? If they DO choose to have a lot of kids, it seems they’d work hardest of anyone to ensure a good future for all.)
Ultimately, considering your question, I’m reminded of your decluttering list of questions. My favorite question, and the one that zinged right to my place of deepest knowing goes something like this: is this for your Fantasy self? On some level, the question about children, or about any life choice, ultimately, has something to do with this. Life happens, and the more we accept and even embrace the surprises around every bend, the more at peace we’ll be. We can plan, and then we get something else – if not right away, then eventually. I’m taking care of aging parents now, and while it is handy to spread the care around among siblings, it is also stressful because we all have different agendas and approaches, it seems. What it IS making me do is be sure that I grow that community around my girl so she’ll have plenty of support when the time comes. Because that kind of support feels good no matter what’s happening.
Blah blah blah. Maybe having an only gives me too much time to go on and on and on… Best of luck to you. Just having such a thoughtful mama will make Plumblossom’s life rich and full and fascinating.
I think it’s great you are thinking this through, however, I think an answer comes with hindsight. At this point you don’t really know if your daughter will eventually wish she had a sibling (my mom was an only and always wanted one). My daughter is an only (12 now), and told me at 5 that she did not want a brother or a sister, because she would have to share me. Fortunately, we were in agreement, because I don’t have the energy or desire to raise more than one.
I always think if there is a doubt in my mind about doing something, I should not do it. There was a time when my daughter was 2 that I considered a second child. Looking back now, I’m loving my choice of one. As others have said in their comments, one allows for more experiences and not just travel experiences. Your daughter may be a homebody and a collector!
Having children is not a choice for them, it is a choice for you. Do you want a lively house with kids running around and some times fighting? Do you want more bodies to snuggle with on the couch and read to? Or do you want a quieter home and more in depth conversations with one child or sometimes arguments with your only, because they have no one else to argue with?
Personally, I wish I was an only and got more attention from my parents like I give my daughter, but I did not have a choice. Your daughter will grow up to be a healthy person with or without siblings if she is loved unconditionally and accepted for who she is (minimalist or not).
I have come to the conclusion that the only reason to have a second child is a burning, all-consuming desire to have a second child — not any wish to provide companionship to a first child. Children have many companions in life, including neighbors, cousins, children of their parents’ friends, classmates, camp friends, etc. — there is no reason they need a biological sibling.
I once had a cat who seemed lonely, so I adopted a second more out of a desire to provide her with a companion than because I really wanted two cats. As it turns out, the second cat absolutely tortured the first (who was aging), confining her to the litterbox for hours on end and taking over our entire apartment, save one chair, as her own. I of course came to love the second cat as I had the first, but I have no doubt whatsover that the first would have preferred I never got the second cat. I don’t know if there is any kind of meaningful analogy to be drawn from this experience to the dilemma you face, but I know I for one won’t be having a second child merely to provide a sibling for my beloved daughter. Our family of three is complete.
I left home to leave for university in September, and I’m one of 3 sisters. My Mum said she’s thankful for having more than one child as it would be a massive shock to the system to have a child around a lot and then suddenly be left with none around, this way she can get used to us flying the nest one by one :)
Hello from an only child with parents “of advanced age.” Meaning I’m 30, my father is turning 84 this year, and my late mother would be 64. I don’t personally want children, so I can’t advise you from that perspective. But I can tell you this:
Your kid will be fine with or without siblings. Trust me. I grew up in a very solitary environment: on a tiny island. With parents older than those of my peers, I didn’t often see other kids at “parent hang-outs.” I had some friends down the street (well, down the road and around the corner a few miles) and though I wasn’t a highly socialized kid, I turned out just fine and pretty happy with my interpersonal skills. I may be an awkward, geeky gal who likes “one person” stuff like reading, gardening, cycling, and the like, but I also have a good group of similarly geeky friends who are happy to read in tandem or do “one person” stuff in groups.
Most everyone I know has siblings. They all seem to love them and get along well, random spats aside. I like watching their relationships, but I can’t say I’ve ever envied them. I got my parents’ full attention. Total honesty: I dig that. I like intimate, one-on-one interactions. My friends with siblings fall kind of both ways, either people who like being with groups or people like me, who are fine to entertain themselves alone for the whole day. Personality can’t be accounted for, but good parenting is good parenting.
There’s my two cents. You can be as practical about it as you like — I understand you have a time frame here and may need to follow practicality and logic rather than “see how you feel in a while.” But trust me, you needn’t have another child just for Plumblossom’s sake. She’ll be OK either way.
I’ve skipped reading the other comments before writing this because I want to try and make what I say as unbiased as possible. So I apologize if I come off as redundant.
I have three children, ages 8, 3 and almost two. The reason for the gap between the first and second was my own hesitation in having another child. My husband eventually convinced me to have another because he felt it was best to not have an only child. I now think it may have been better if we had stayed with only one child. My husband is not engaged with our children and has no desire to do so. I am a married, single mother to three children which isn’t healthy for me or them.
As for a lifestyle with kids, I wouldn’t shy away from having more than one thinking that the number of children you have dictates what you can and cannot do. Decide what is important to you and take your kids along. I’ve had compliments given to me on the behavior of my children because I take them with me wherever I go and teach them how to behave. It isn’t always easy, but parenting isn’t easy. I know a family with five children traveling the US this summer (pittstopusa.blogspot.com) and another family with two children who spent time overseas with two children (smallnotebook.org). Once you get over the fact that you will be inconvenienced sometimes and choose not to let it bother you, you will be able to do whatever you want with your children along with you.
I also just had a baby(3 months ago) at an advanced maternal age (45)
I also just purchased your book this past week, but have been a regular reader of your blog for over a year. I wanted to try a renewed minimalist approach with this baby.
That being said, I know you appreciate experiences over things. Every human being is a unique experience. I know that you are experiencing this now with your baby. I know that no foreign city, or exotic island, or grand waterfall would be as wonderful as that baby’s first smile. I’ve travelled a good bit and from my experience, it pales in comparison to the relatiohships and experiences I have had with my children. And yes, I said children–this last baby was number 10. And honestly, we are enjoying her so much that it saddens me to think that she is probably my last.
Minimalist living helps make living with a large family doable and enjoyable! Thanks for your blog.