If you’ve been following my blog lately, you know that I recently gave birth to my first child—a beautiful baby girl I call Plumblossom.
My husband and I waited a long time before deciding to settle down and procreate—so long, in fact, that my medical chart bore the lovely, geriatric-sounding “Advanced Maternal Age” label.
Which brings me to the subject of this week’s post… With my biological clock ticking (fast), DH and I need to make a decision soon as to whether we’re “one and done” or ready to try for another. It’s a tough call to make in the midst of first-time parenting sleep deprivation; however, we don’t have the luxury of waiting until Plumblossom is out of diapers to ponder a possible sibling.
Whenever I’ve imagined myself as a mother, it’s generally been to one child. In part, it’s because I’d like to resume our unstructured, nomadic lifestyle once our daughter is a little older; and it seems that planning around the needs, whims, and moods of one child would be much easier than two. We’d be able to devote our full attention and resources to her, and someday bestow on her a travel fund instead of struggling to put multiple children through college.
And yes, it seems more minimalist—with one child, we could get by with less stuff, smaller spaces, and fewer time commitments (be they doctor’s appointments, school activities, etc.).
On the other hand, I’ve seen the wonderful sibling interaction among my friends’ kids, and worry that Plumblossom may spend too many lonely hours wishing for a little brother or sister.
Both my husband and I have siblings, and therefore no experience with what it’s like to be an only child. So this week, instead of posting any words of wisdom or advice, I’m asking you for yours.
I know some of you will advise me to leave it to fate—a charming idea, to be sure, but one I’m not entirely comfortable with when it comes to major, life-altering decisions.
What I’d really like to hear are your experiences: did you decide to have just one child (or more) and why? What are the pros and cons to having (or being) an only child? Do you find minimalism becomes more challenging with each addition, or do shared possessions make for a greater “economy of stuff”?
Thanks in advance to all who respond–I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
I mean this in a loving way, but I’m going to be completely honest here. I have been a reader of your blog for awhile and have observed the shift in your blog since you had your daughter. You didn’t want it to become a “mommy blog” (and I have nothing against mommy blogs, I write one myself and read many), and yours has not a become a mommy blog exactly, but there is a definite shift. It has a proud mommy tone much of the time. You have the classic fixation on your first child, which is normal, but stronger in some parents than others, and can be dangerous if unchecked. I know it’s just my opinion, but my gut feeling is you may have the tendency to spoil and indulge her (maybe not with too many material things…but there are so many other ways….). I think another child thrown in the mix will mellow things out a bit, if that makes sense. For an example, look back at your post when you said, “We’d be able to devote our full attention and resources to her” – is that what you REALLY want? Maybe it is, but just be very aware as you move forward that you’re going to need to put out extra effort to balance that out somehow so she is not spoiled. And you also said, “planning around the needs, whims, and moods of one child would be much easier than two” – but could it be possible that a child learning that her needs, whims, and moods don’t always get first dibs on the “planning around” by the adults could be a beneficial lesson? On another note, especially if you are planning on becoming nomadic again, it could be a huge advantage to have two. We just became expats and know no-one in our new country, but our 2 kids (age 4 and 6) are entertaining each other 90% of the time right now. They have almost no toys, books, or anything else because none of our belongings have arrived yet. Anyway, as someone else already put it, another kid may broaden your perspective. All that said, I’m sure it will be fine either way. And, when it comes down to it, I don’t think minimalism has much to do with it at all. 1, 2, 3 – it can all be done with a minimalist philosophy.
I have 3 girls (19, 14, & 7). We always wanted 3. My husband is 1 of 3, I have 1 sibling adopted when I was older. Is our life messy & sometimes chaotic, you bet. Would we change the number of kids, not a chance!! Having all the same gender has worked nicely because of hand-me-downs though the youngest has quite a bit between all the hand me downs & things bought for her. We relocate a lot due to my husband’s job & while it’s tougher for a family of 5 because you do need a little more space & there’s more furniture, it’s definitely not impossible. We have less stuff than a lot of our friends with smaller families. Now my girls have grown up in a horse training operation so they are familiar with hard work & have generally great manners from dealing with adults all the time. Do they squabble or get in trouble some, sure they’re kids with very different personalities. But it all boils down to its a very personal choice for what works best for you & your husband. Best of luck with your decision!
Hi Francine,
I have enjoyed your book (very inspirational!) and now your blog.
I was an only child and now I am the proud mother of an only child, a four year old daughter. We’re not planning to have more, in part due to our ages (we’re in our 40’s), but mostly it just feels right with one. My husband has 2 siblings, and I think he might have been convinced to have another child if I’d wanted to but I don’t want to gothrough pregnancy and newborn rearing again.
There are plusses and minuses to siblings vs. only. Pros: My parents had more time and money for me as an only child. I never ever felt neglected or deprived. I always had friends. My creative abilities and ability to entertain myself are more developed because I am an only. Cons: I had lost both my parents by my early 30s and, apart from my friends, my boyfriend (now husband) and one uncle, was left entirely alone in the world. My parents were hoarders and at the time the second passed away, I was was recovering from a serious illness and the task of sorting through all of their STUFF, settling the estate, and mourning was mine alone to deal with and was a burden. Eight years later I still have boxes to sort through. That’s in large part why I’m attracted to the idea of a minimlaist lifestyle — I have a long way to go, but I’m working on it. The only con that I can think of from childhood is very occasional lonliness.
I think either an only child or a child with siblings can have a full and happy life.
One thing to keep in mind, though, as we age, the risks of a child being born with medical issues, and the risks to mother’s health increase, so if you decide to shoot for more be sure to speak with your doctor so you can make the best possible decision for you and your family. Adoption is another alternative to consider if you want more children but have reason to be concerned about this. Congratulations on plumblossom — she has a very wise mom!
My husband and I are both only children, although now of an age where we are the senior members of our families. We were both lonely as children, which gave us both quite substantial internal resources [I’m a total introvert, he’s more intro than extra]. He would have been happy with one child, but I insisted on two, and for all of the extra work, clutter, and exhaustion that came with raising two children [the second was a rower through high school, with all that entailed], I think I made the right choice. My son and daughter are great friends and each other’s most reliable sounding boards and cheering societies, and given that we were in our late thirties when they were born, they will be there for each other when we are gone.
I remember a comment, years ago, that it’s easier to take one child to the Grand Canyon that two children to the park. I’m sure that’s true, but I don’t think that it is the determining factor. It’s all too easy for children today to be the be-all and end-all to their parents; a little neglect from time to time, a little lesson in compromise and working out differences is a good thing. While it’s not uncommon today to be an only child [whereas it was a true oddity in the 50s], I think that only children lose a lot, and on balance, I think they may lose more than they gain — the give and take of family life, the ability to form a bond against the parental authority, having an ally at school or on car trips, someone to ride the rides with at Disneyland….
I’d go for #2 without hesitation. I provide no warranties, however, that the second child won’t be a hellion from day one, as contrasted with Plumblossom….
lol! Regards your last sentence, my mother always says that if my little sister had been her first baby, there would NEVER have been another. (She cried. Constantly. For about three years. No-one ever worked out why.)
So, yes, Miss Minimalist, that’s a chance you take. My first was a fairly neurotic baby, my second was a smiling little Buddha.
All part of the variety and spice of life.
:-)
Karen
(Scotland)
Karen:
I am the oldest of 5 and I begged my parents for a little brother for several years. When I was 7, my mother brought home a sister for me and she was a screaming bundle of rage for several years straight. (She is in her 30s now & still is, actually!) I was really wishing that I was an only child again once I realized there was no end in sight to the madness. Eventually I got 3 absolutely awesome little brothers that more than made up for that sister, but it took some time. We are far apart in age (15 years between the oldest & youngest), but I am close with all 3 of my brothers.
The sister has “Estranged” herself from our family, but she is emotionally disturbed, so its really a case of “where the hell did she come from?” My parents cannot understand why she was and still is so “off” in a truly negative way, but they didn’t “parent” her any differently or treat her any differently than the rest of us! This just goes to show that you cannot predict, influence, nor plan for the future personality traits of your children, nor the relationships that they will have with their siblings. It really is just a crapshoot. I wouldn’t trade my awesome brothers for the world, but that sister I could have always done without. She has been a source of nothing but angst and pain for all of us. If she had been the first-born, there wouldn’t have been any more after her. I think it was my constant campaigning for brothers that led to more kids after her…and luckily, they WERE/ ARE the brothers I always knew I wanted!
It reminds me of the quote about how “friends are the family that you get to choose.” I have had the same best friend since childhood, over 30 years now, and she is more of a sister to me than the one who shares my genes. My parents love her as their own too, so it all works out in the end.
“Dangerous if left unchecked”? Yikes.
Anyway, we were planning on “one and done” but wound up with two and we love it. It’s not much more stuff, it’s enough stuff. My kids are best friends and play together so well. I’m so glad we had our second child! You need to do what’s right for you. I once asked some mothers how they knew they wanted more children and the response that stuck with me was that the mother felt that there was someone missing. She’d get all the kids dressed and loaded up in the van and then look around for the other one, who wasn’t even conceived yet. She knew that her family was not yet complete. I never had that feeling, we really only wanted one child. I’m so glad now that we have two though!
I didn’t mean danger as in mortal danger. :) I just meant there is the danger of the child being spoiled unless there is something to provide balance. It doesn’t have to be another sibling for balance. I think you’d have to be extra intentional and vigilant to counteract the tendency to fixate on and spoil/smother just one, using a variety of internal and external resources. All parents have varying degrees of being “into” their own kids, and also varying degrees of self-awareness about their own tendencies. Being at a high point on the first spectrum and a low point on the second would result in a “danger left unchecked.” Maybe I was too dramatic in my word choice.
Honestly, no one can answer this for you, but yourself.
That being said, PLEASE consider ADOPTION! Age is not a factor, you’re not adding to the overpopulation epidemic, and you get to “rescue” a child. Should PlumBlossom decide later that she’d be better off with a sibling, there are children of all ages waiting every single day for a family. Fostering to adopt is an amazing option so you could ensure it’s the best match for all.
Wow, this is a very interesting discussion. I am the oldest of two and have a great relationship with my brother, who was born on my second birthday. I still tease him about stealing my birthday! He irritated the crap out of me when I was in high school, but I can’t imagine my life without him now. We lived overseas when we were growing up and I always at least knew someone when we moved to a new country. He lives about 30 minutes away from me now and we see him and his family regularly.
I am the mom to two children, 23 months apart. My son is 9 and my daughter is 7. I had a very difficult pregnancy with my son and he was born at 34 weeks and spent 3 weeks in the NICU. It was gut wrenching, but we knew we wanted more than one child. So, when I quit breastfeeding, we started trying again.
It didn’t take long and another difficult pregnancy ensued. This time, I was labelled “high risk” because my son was premature. With my daughter I had every complication you can imagine and spent 3 months on bed rest. I made it to 38 weeks and my daughter was born. I couldn’t imagine my life without her and am so grateful for her (even when her strong will makes me want to scream). I love that my kids are close together. They fight one minute and are best buddies the next.
Every person makes a decision that is the best for them. I guess you have to ask yourself, “Will we regret it if we don’t have another child?” There’s plenty of love for another. You can travel with 2 just as easily with 1 when they get a little older. (I will say, getting two toddlers with two car seats in an airplane is sweat inducing, but it’s only aggravating for the time it takes to get through security and buckled in). Otherwise, it’s no sweat. You’ll adapt.
My husband is a fan of “man to man” defense as opposed to “zone” defense if you have more kids than adults. For us, two was the answer, but I struggled with whether we should have a third. We ultimately decided that since my pregnancies were so incredibly difficult and we had been blessed with a healthy boy and girl, we were content. They bring us a lot of joy. I am grateful for both of them every single day.
I have two kids 14 and 12(soon to be 13) and wouldn’t change it for the world. They are much closer in age (20 months) than I would have planned but God had other plans and I’m glad. The oldest is a boy and the youngest a girl and they have always had each other. I have always worked outside the home so they have attended day care together, rode the bus together, been in school together and played together. Even now they play basketball together, do chores together, swim together, etc. Do they argue and fight? of course on occasion they do but that’s very normal for siblings. They learn how to share,negogiate,resolve problems,love, and interact because they have to when you live under the same roof. I would highly recommend having another child if you are physically able to. You won’t regret it and you have plenty of love for another child. Go for it!!!
As an only child, I simply had to chime in on this one…on the one hand, I have an amazing relationship with both my parents that I seriously doubt could ever be duplicated if I had had siblings; I’m a total daddy’s girl and my mom is definitely my best friend now (I’m 28). On the other hand, I always yearned for a sibling, as that relationship is absolutely impossible to replace. I also feel like even though I wasn’t “spoiled,” I still have an unhealthy social interaction, as in, a subconscious need to be accommodated that I fight in my relationships, both romantic and other. I’m working on it. Also, I do very well in one-on-one interactions, but have social anxiety in larger groups, something I attribute directly to being an only child. Again, I’m working on it. If it were my decision, I would have one more…either way, I’m sure you’re going to be an excellent parent, and make the right decision for your family and for plumblossom!
Tracy,I also do very well in one on one interactions, but I don’t like groups of friends and I have a phobia of public speaking. But I have a brother who’s one year older than me. Anyone can be like that no matter if you’re an only child or if you have siblings. So don’t be too hard on yourself. God bless you.
Hi Tracy! I too wonder if I have a “subconscious need to be accomodated” at times, but it’s because I was youngest of four and often got laughed at or shouted down (sometimes still do). I still prefer one on one interactions.
On the other hand, my daughter (an only) is completely at home performing for a crowd (our family is made up of 3 musicians), while I still struggle with it, thinking I’m “not good enough,” blah blah blah. Social anxiety can come to anyone. And ditto on the amazing relationship with both parents. My daughter’s relationship with us isn’t comparable in ANY way with my husband’s or my relationships with our parents. (Even my mom says so! She sometimes says she wishes we could have done the things together that my daughter and I do.) Best of luck.
We had one because I was unable to carry the second to term. We did such a good job of socializing that one that when she started daycare at 18 months a teacher refused to believe it was her first day there since she was already off playing instead of clinging to Mom. But, as an adult now, she’s still not good at considering other people’s wants and needs. It is hard to raise a balanced only child.
I think you should have another child if you want to. The decision to have a child should be totally irrational and romantic and all about your husband and the kid. If you love kids and you’re dying to have another one, you should go for it, minimalism or no minimalism! (And I love and applaud your firmness about not wanting to make a decision about this based on the ideology of minimalism. That would be a bit chilly.)
I had one brother growing up – two years younger. We weren’t very close unfortunately. There was a period in there when I thought I wanted to be part of a large family, like on the Brady Bunch, because I associated the presence of lots of people with love. I was a lonely kid, even though I had a brother, because my parents were troubled and didn’t have much to offer us emotionally.
What I’ve learned – the SINGLE most important factor in whether a child feels lonely or not, is how they’re treated by their parents – not the presence or number of siblings. If you love your kid like the dickens, she won’t feel lonely. The world is full of successful and happy people who grew up without siblings. It is SO not the end of the world.
Does your child have cousins? That could fill the gap for her socially in the beginning.
Again, the most significant factor in building confidence and social ease and the capacity for happiness in kids, is parental love. If your daughter is anything like you, she’ll be sweet and smart and capable of making a ton of friends when she needs to.
About the comment made by the person above who seems concerned that you’re going to spoil your daughter – I think that’s a false alarm. There’s nothing worse than a parent who neglects their child. A spoiled child could end up with problems, but they’d be nothing like the permanent damage that would be done to a kid who grows up without love.
There’s no such thing as too much love, whether you have one child or many. Err in that direction! :)
I’m only child. I have a mother who was/is really fixating on me. I rearly had friends of my own age and was a lonely child, often left with my granny and her old friends. I get too much attention and material things so I have problems with shering attentions etc…I dont looking for company of others, I like be alon. When I was 25 jear old, I moved to an other country. My Mother was planning my life and asked continu attention. So I left her. Sinds I have to call her almost every day. Now she is turning old and want to came and live with me becouse “I’m the only one in her life who she can count on”. I serieusly think, dat my and my mothers life was much and much healthy when she had 2 or 3 child. Be one child and have one child becoming later a heavy burden, too much controle, too much attention, too much responsability. If you want a good life for you and for your child, take 2 or 3 children. I think it is really great!
My husband and I debated a long time before we decided to have a second child (they are 4.5 years apart). I wanted my first daughter to have someone to talk to and lean on for support as my husband as I aged (I was 39 when my second daughter was born). It has been the best decision I have ever made! If only because we are older parents and they play together all the time (they fight too) and it is less work for us as far as ‘entertaining’ them. I really did too much with the 1st one so she wouldn’t feel lonely. As a result she is much less resourceful than my second who I just let play on her own and figure things out herself knowing in the back of my mind she had her sister to play with if she wanted. My advice is if you are thinking about it you should do it. I wish I had done it sooner and had I done so I really think I would have had more than 2 (now I am too old and tired!)
First, you don’t have to worry about which choice is “minimalist” or not. We only have one child, but I recently featured a family with 4 kids in my blog–and they are quite minimalist as well! Now, they have an awesome almost-off-the-grid house and homestead, while we live aboard during the summer. Kids always require adjustments, but you will find a way to make your family size work with your lifestyle.
The best advice I can give you is to have another only if you and your husband really want–need–one, the same way you needed Plumblossom. If we’re up at night crying, because we want another child, we’ll know it’s time. People will tell you that having an only child is harmful, but this really isn’t true. Only children tend to grow up similar to firstborns. They do connect with adults more, and seem to prefer things a bit more quiet and orderly. My Jelly Bean, for example, would much rather have one friend over for a playdate, than many. But we seek out opportunities for her to socialize, and she has a lot of fun adventuring with us. Do not feel like you have to have another child, just for Plumblossom’s benefit.
You’re a great mommy, and she’ll do well no matter what you choose!
I intended to only have one child because I came from a large family and while I loved my siblings, the chaos, noise, and mess was too much for me. Well, I now have two. Sometimes you get a (happy) surprise. My feeling is this: most of the “issues” associated with only children can be solved with a little diligence. You can help them build close relationships that will last them a lifetime, you can take extra precautions against the spoiled only child syndrome, and you can take the time to teach them all the things they would learn naturally if they had siblings, like sharing and such. So I don’t think there is any reason to be scared of raising an only child. BUT, I will say that I’m glad I wasn’t an only child and now that I have two, I really love to watch them interact together and the joy it brings to us. And as you’re older (as am I) there isn’t really enough time to see what kind of personality Plumblossom has in order to make an informed decision on her behalf! I echo some others who say have another only if you really feel it, otherwise, enjoy Plumblossom! Also, as an aside, there really doesn’t have to be that much more in your house. All the toys and necessities get passed around and you can put a cap on it! Good luck, Francine!
I have one brother, and we didn’t always get along as children, but I’m glad I have him. Apart from the general things of sharing and compromising and having another kid along on holidays and such (cause mum and dad don’t *always* want to play!!) it’s nice knowing there’s going to be someone in my life of my generation. Mine is a fairly small family as well, (three cousins and one brother – that’s it) so from a practical point of view, when my parents are older or pass away there is someone to help me deal with all that stuff.
Plus my mum is an only child as her parents weren’t able to have any more kids, and she’s always regretted not having someone around to share things with – even at 60 she still talks about it – good times and bad. Which makes me less irritated with my brother when he annoys me, when I think about it (sometimes!!)
As an only child I can tell you-it sucks.It was very lonely.I envy,and always have,people who have siblings and are close to them.Also,I want to second the idea of adoption.
Whatever you choose to do,it will be fine.
I am the mother of an “only.” I only planned ever to have one child, but as my son got older he started asking me about having a brother or a sister. I got divorced when he was six and I never remarried, but if I have one regret it’s not having another child. I wish I had had the opportunity to be in a loving relationship with a man who was a good father. In a heartbeat – I would recommend you have another to provide your child with a lifelong friend and confidant and a family that will grow and provide that bond that is only felt by family. I have good great friends and I love their children, but I adore my family and my nieces and nephews is a very special way. My son is 19 now and I so wish he had a sibling.
I have one child who is now 33 and has one child. She wishes she had siblings so her child would have aunts and uncles. She is hoping to have more children because she wants her child to have siblings. She would recommend three children. Whatever you do don’t “devote” your resources to your children. It is too much pressure on them. The purpose of parenting is to make them strong and resourceful.
We adopted to get our only child….and because he had multiple special needs we only ended up with the one. It always felt a bit incomplete in some fashion and I wish we’d tried to “get” more (both my husband and I had infertility issues…). So I’d voice in on the side of have at least one more!
My husband and I are older parents (I had my children at ate 38 and 42. We have two sons. For a while I thought we would only have the one (not by choice). I worried that if something happened to either my husband or myself or both of us, then our only son would be all alone. Since I am the youngest of my family, and had him at an older age, there aren’t any cousins his age on either side and his aunts and uncles (my siblings) are so much older than I am. I’m so thankful to have had another child so when they grow up, they can be family when my husband and I are gone. They will have each other to spend holidays with and to be uncles to each other’s kids, etc. You need to consider your child’s future not just your wants/needs at the present. Even though my sons are 4-1/2 years apart, they’re the best of friends – homeschooling them has helped with that too. I know they’ll always be there for each other.
Thanks for your blog – and the chance to give back :) I won’t give you my opinion, because I belive it’s your decision. Instead, I’ll offer my experiences as an only child.
I’ve never felt it to be a problem. I know my mum worked hard to ensure I went to play groups and on play dates from an early age, and I always had friends. I remember spending many happy hours playing imagination games in the back yard with our dog.
My personal minuses – I do find it ia bit hard when I have to be with others for a long time, with no options – I went to boarding school (my choice) and shared a room with other girls for the first 2 years – that *sucked*, and now, with my darling 3yo daughter, I feel a desperate need for ‘alone time’ by the end of the day. And I think my friends with siblings are better ‘socialised’ :)
My personal plusses – my parents could afford for me to go to boarding school, and help me through university, I’m happy alone and self-confident, and I have never had to put up with the horrid relationships I’ve seen people have with their siblings – as children and adults. Because I went to boarding school, I have very close relationships with my 2 best friends.
The only time it’s been hard is when my Mum died earlier in the year – I feel very responsible for my Dad (I know I’m not, but I still feel it), and I took on the responsibility for sorting out all of Mum’s things for him. It was tough doing it alone – but on the other hand, I’ve seen sisters – and sisters-in-law – have awful fights over ‘who gets what’, and some of those relationships have never healed. I didn’t have to do that.
My mum worked hard to foster my relationship with my cousins, who are all older than me, and prepared them to ‘look after me’ when she passed. They have been so loving and supportive – so although I don’t have sisters, I don’t lack a close and loving family.
I hope people with siblings will also share their experience, so that you can think about both options.
I’m exactly like you, and I have a sister and 2 brothers, so I guess it’s just a personnality matter, I think you’re an introvert et that’s why you like being alone or in small groups…
Hi Kim. I also am one of four and often LONG for alone time. I like groups for a while, then it’s OVER. My (only) daughter is great alone and with groups.
So sorry about your mum. So glad you have those cousins!
I was an only child, and homeschooled to boot. And we moved a lot. Whenever anyone would find out about these things, they would immediately be shocked and terrified and express their dismay over my severe lack of socialization opportunities.
I never found that to be the case. I had tons of free time in which to explore the things that genuinely interested me (what other kid got to volunteer as an assistant librarian at the age of eleven?). I had my parents’ full attention when I needed it, and never felt ignored or eclipsed. I probably had more friends than did my more ‘normal’ friends, and they were all through shared interests rather than just age groups.
Being an only child led me to reach out and find people, and being homeschooled led me to find those who shared my interests and values. I loved my childhood.
Yes, my parents are a bit fixated on me, and it can get a little smothering at times. But that all depends on the parents. If you make the firm decision that you’ll allow Plumblossom the freedom and autonomy that she needs as she grows, you’ll be fine.
The issues of schooling and only-child-hood are intertwined for me, so it’s difficult to separate them. Also, I’m definitely an extrovert, in the classical definition of getting energy from social interaction. This was surely a big part of my tendency to go out into the world and build my own little societies wherever I was. I was never one of those only children sitting at home and never going anywhere.
But please don’t be afraid of stopping with one. Conventional wisdom says that you are practically required to have more than one, and parents with one baby tend to be harangued by friends, family, and random strangers about having another one (has this happened to you yet?). However, conventional wisdom often could use a kick in the teeth. Do what feels right to you.
I am overjoyed for you and your family. This is such a personal decision and either way, little Plumblossom will have a lovely childhood and life. I have an almost 17 year old daughter and am so grateful that I decided to have an only child. I was divorced when she was 2 and remarried when she was 10. I didn’t think it would be fair to bring more children into the mix at that time. Raising her alone for so many years changed our relationship and I knew she would be my one and only. She is my heart and I’ve enjoyed most every moment. Even the teen-years have been surprisingly enjoyable. I can’t believe she’ll be graduating in a year and starting her own big, beautiful life.
One is enough, and so much more than that. ;)
I grew up as an “only” as my three sisters were teenagers when I was born. When they were around, I was one lucky child, but the eldest married before I was 2 years old. Most of the time I was happily alone. Though very sensitive, empathetic, and compassionate, my only-ness translated into some remarkably self-centered behaviour. An only seldom has to share: time, parents, food, conversation, toys, opinions, air. As an adult I still see traces of that child – an occasional inability to understand that it’s not all about me!!
p.s. my parents were bound and determined that I would not be “spoiled”. Also, I chose to have a second child (well, my husband was on board, too!) after 3 years of joy with our first. It felt like a risk because I didn’t know how to parent siblings and I didn’t know how I’d do as a mom to two. And it did not come easy. Now that our sons are 22 and 18, I have to say that it’s a good thing our first was not our only or he’d be one (handsome, charming, brilliant, etc) hothouse flower of a child!! Not that we “spoiled” him, but let’s be honest, that only child gets ALL the parental attention (whether a lot or a little). Perhaps that’s it in a nutshell. Our parenting was very good, but there was too much of it. As other people have said, be sure to give Plumblossom space to figure things out for herself and learn how resourceful she can be.
sheesh. Not done yet. And our second son has grown into a complete delight. The boys are not particularly close – they are opposites in temperament, and I think son #1 did feel displaced. Having two felt risky for me, but has meant twice the growth for me and a richer family environment for them. They each have taught their parents a great deal. NOW I’m done. Sorry to drone on!
I want two (eventually!) – my sister and I are just 18 months apart, and while we had our share of differences growing up, I can honestly say that she’s one of the most important relationships in my life. You’ve heard all of this, though, so what I will say is that we are now at the age where our parents are aging less-than-gracefully and there are complicated medical decisions to be made. I am eternally grateful to my parents for giving me a sister I can lean on (and support in turn) while we make these choices – yes, we both have partners who care deeply about us and our parents, but there’s an extra something reassuring in knowing that she and I are making these decisions together. . .and that when the time comes to make the ones we are most dreading, it won’t be the end of our childhood family, because there are still two of us.
I am an only child who chose to have more than one child myself (I have 3). The biggest downside to being an only is the lack of family and support when you are a young adult and an adult. There is only me to deal with the death of my mother, the care for my aging father. I didn’t want to put that on my first born. I see my husband, who is one of four, and all of the mutual support that is there.
I haven’t ever left a reply before, but this is an issue that I struggled with for such a long time that I felt I had share my situation. I have a son who is 8 now and is an only child. We had IVF treatment to conceive our son and so the choice kind of got made for us. We could have tried again, however I don’t think I could have handled the emotional side of the treatment to go through it again. When my son was really young I really struggled to know what to do for the best, and I was very worried that by not having a sibling for him then I would be doing him harm and that he would grow up lonely. However 8 years later my son is the total opposite of the cliche of an only child. He is not lonely or selfish and is the most outgoing confident child I have ever known. He has never once asked to have a brother or sister, and on the rare occasions that I have mentioned it to him he has been horrified at the thought! We know now that for us as a family the decision to have just one child was the right one and both myself and my husband would not have it any other way. At the end of the day this may not be right for everyone, but labelling only children as selfish and spoilt is very wrong. As we all know there are plenty of people with siblings who have these very characteristics!
We only had one child (now 30) and she tells us that she was very happy being an only child. She had many friends to play with but also spent a lot of time with adults. She is now a mature, independent woman who has just had a daughter too. At this stage, she feels that she will probably only have the one child too. It is definitely the upbringing and the love that parents give their child that will make all the difference. I must admit, we were able to give her many more opportunities by just having the one. Travelling also was so much easier with only one. In the end, it will be your choice but don’t feel pressured by family or friends telling you that you must provide a sibling. If you only have your Plumblossom, I am sure you will do a great job of raising a healthy, stable and much loved daughter.
When I was in college, I studied marriage and families in a class of mine. One of the things that struck me about only children was this: once the parents are gone, they have no one to share memories with. They are alone with their memories and in their grief. They also have the added responsibility of possibly caring for aging parents alone. Only children may have cousins, but no siblings with direct similar experiences. My children are close in ages (16 months apart, unplanned) and were great friends as children and are great friends as adults. Of course there is no guarantee of fantastic sibling relationships, but having your children close definitely helps with these bonds. This is obviously a very personal decision for you, but I would strongly consider having a second child.
I struggled with the decision to have any kids at all, and then once more whether to have a second one. Of course each time I met the kid I couldn’t imagine the world without them :) I don’t think more kids means being less minimalist, sure it’s more maintenance when they’re small, but they do entertain each other. I asked my parents for a sibling and got one when I was 9. I may be biased, as my brother and I get along incredibly well, but I am so glad my parents gave me him as opposed to say, a travel fund.
Of course one could ask the question of why, say, I stopped with 2. Everyone has their individual factors of how many kids they feel they can handle.
I’m sure you’ll sort through all our comments and figure out the best option for you :)
As a middle child who was raised as an only child (my sister is seven years older, my brother five years younger), I must say that I enjoyed not wanting the same things at the same time as my siblings. Watching my step-daughters (22 months apart) be best friends and worst enemies made me appreciate the quietness of my childhood even more.
However, as a child of older parents (my dad was 40 when I was born, my mom 32), I can tell you that having siblings is a tremendous blessing in that we can split the care-taking of now-elderly parents. My sister goes to doctor appointments with them; I help take care of finances and financial decisions, and my brother helps with small home repairs. If I were an only child, or an only-living child, as both my parents were to THEIR mothers, I would be solely responsible for many difficult decisions.
I’m grateful that when my mom pushes my buttons, I can text my sister two simple words (“YOUR mother”) and know that someone understands EXACTLY how I feel.
Think Prince William and Prince Harry.
Best of luck, whatever you decide. :-)
Having a sister that is seven years older and a brother five years younger makes you DEFINITELY not an only child. What the heck?
I know from the personal experience of being an only child, whenever I hear someone say that they only want one child, I cringe. It is really an individual situation though. My parents had me when they were 40, and thus they didn’t have the energy to play with me. I didn’t have cousins or other family members similar in age. My parents didn’t set up play dates, camps, sports, or other activities for me to participate in. Because of all of these other factors, I had a pretty lonely childhood. If you make a conscious effort to have your child interacting with other children in different settings, I would say it would perfectly fine to have an only child. But that’s just been my experience. Every family and individual child is different.
My personal opinion, and not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Just wanted to get that straight.
I am one of 7. We were very minimalist. We all have wonderful relationships, and there are a lot of cousins. Holidays are fabulous as my parents have over 20 grandchildren. We used to beg my Mom to have more siblings. All of my siblings are professionals and extremely generous with time and money. Relationships count, not things. My husband is an only child. He is more frugal and less giving with time and money. He has never had to sacrifice or share, and tends towards selfishness. We personally have four children, and I wish I could have had more. The joy and love far outweigh anything else in life. My children are giving, generous, and unselfish. Most of their friends want and have the latest in all things/materials, but the friends always want to hang out at our house and be with my children, because there is attention and love. My children are 20, 15, 12, and 9. We live in a very small house, with our own garden. We are minimalists and do not live a consumeristic/materialistic lifestyle. Instead of TV, we discuss literature and history. We garden, walk, talk, and laugh a lot. We have time, because we try very hard to not be slaves to time and materialism. My kids are not “entitled”. I had a hard time getting pregnant with each one, so they are all very loved and wanted. I personally do not put anything chemical in my body, or take anything out, or mess with it, so every child was anticipated.
My husband’s coworkers envy our lifestyle. Now that the coworkers are older(we used to be made fun of for having four children), now they all wish they would have had more (the honest ones, that is). Never on a deathbed does someone wish they would have had less children and more money. Children are a gift. We know 3 families with 8 or more children, and all are beautiful, very loving, and unselfish. None of the families have money, and all are minimalist consumers (they have to be!). Not all can have the sports…toys…electronics…music lessons…but the older ones have grown up to be super responsible and professional persons that have families also.
By any means I don’t mean to come across as arrogant, etc. I type pretty plainly and express myself plainly. It IS a personal decision. So many people have downright hatred for bigger families, but I see love and joy. It is all about what YOUR priorities are, and what is best for your Plumblossom. We are here to give our opinions. I have enjoyed and understood each and every opinion. My children are very thankful for eachother. Plus, my husband and I always joke that we never need entertainment or to go out, because we have all the entertainment right here at home.
I have 4 sons that were so much fun growing up, you can’t even imagine. They are best friends to this day and they are 46, 44 and 38. Sadly, my 3rd son died 13 years ago at 30. As horrible as it is that we lost him, I would do it all again.
The thought of having one child and losing them is an unbearable thought. I will never get over losing my son but I thank God everyday I have my other sons. Together, we have survived.
Not to be depressing but life can be tough. I vote for having another baby, each one is so precious!
Obviously all questions of children and parenting must be answered from one’s own heart, primarily, rather than external or theoretical considerations. But one thing to keep in mind is little emperor syndrome, an interesting phenomenon associated with China’s one-child policy.
Something I found a little paradoxical in this post is that having one child is presented as being minimalist, but the rationale offered is the exact opposite: the rationale has to do with maximizing attention and other resources to the one child, which means that the child will grow up by definition not having to compromise and live in a minimalist way from an early age (such as sharing parental attention and material possessions with possible siblings). I’m not saying there is a contradiction, because “minimalism” can be interpreted in different ways, but there is an air of paradox.
Again, I offer no opinion about whether having zero, one, or many children is “correct” according to any particular philosophical view.
Im not sure why you would ask anyones opinion on this question.
Having children is a deeply personal choice.
Only you know the answer in your heart.
Jennifer – i’m sure she’s using the comments as a way to better weigh pros and cons. Everyone has different experiences and opinions to lend. It’s not like she’s taking a poll and basing her future family outcome solely on its results. Just a way to bounce ideas off of a wide range of people.
Putting my two cents in now. I was raised as both an only child od my mom and the youngest of 5 for my dad. I can’t comment much onsiblings bc i wasn’t aeound them enough to get the full dynamics of the relationship but as an only it had its pros and cons for sure. I got most anything i wanted which as a child sounds like a great plan but as an adult i was not adequately prepared for the real world. Roommates in college were tough for a whole hpst of reasons and i am embarrassed looking back at how one sided the living arrangement was (i never had to do chores or anything… made for a pretty lazy hpuse mate). I remember some very lonely times when my momwould be sick or sleeping (she worked nights). I also have a strained relationship with hernow b.c. for so many years, and still to this day she tells me over and over again that i am the most important thing inher life and she doesn’t know what she would do if anything ever happened to me. Growing up she always told me if she jad to choose btw me or my dad it would always be me. Surprise surprise that soon after college graduation their marriage was on thin ice and still is 7 years later. I am her only child and only friend so she tries to vent to me about their marital issues and gives me a guilt trip when i tell her i don’t want to know and b.c i am their child i can’t bee that person for her. Its too sensitive of an issue. Needless to say i shut down emotionally around her now. It sucks but she was tje leading source of depression for me for many years so inorder to be the wife and mother i need tobe for my own family she takes a back burner. I know its not like that for everyone but it’s my experience as an only child. In stark contrast i am pregnant with my fourth in less than five years :p
Please try to ignore the mass amt of typos. Im on my kindle fire and havent mastered a touch screen yet.
Lots of food for thought here and the one I agree with the most is the person who said it should be an irrational, passionate decision. Whether your daughter will beg for siblings or be joyously self sufficient, whether your children will be each other’s best friends or worst enemies (especially when it comes time to make decisions for old mom & dad), is totally beyond your control. Children can have all kinds of challenges, health problems and break your heart. They can give you the deepest feelings of warmth and love in life. Co-parenting can unite you as a couple or push you apart. Don’t hold yourselves responsible – go with your gut and may you be blessed.
(I’m an only who loved it and wouldn’t want it any other way. Planned on one child, fell in love with a man with a son six years younger than my daughter. Best family ever.)
I’m an only child, and have enjoyed it. However, I had cousins nearby, and friends.
As an adult, I have two children. Since I loved the first one so much, I thought more would increase the joy (and it did). Since you commented on how you love the interaction between friends’ kids, I wanted to address a question I often got as an only child, which is “was it lonely.” I wasn’t lonely, and I resent when adults assume that if they have multiple children, it is the other children’s job to entertain their siblings. Though that is often the case, I think the primary factor in choosing to have another child should be that you want to raise and love them, not so that PB will not get lonely.
On time, each little person added requires more love and more of your time. If you are not willing to give it, then don’t add another baby. If, however, that little person is the priority, then enjoy. There isn’t a right or wrong answer on how many to have. I think you know when you are done. And don’t forget, even if you are older, you can still take your time and adopt to add another to your family later.
Having read your blog for a couple of years now and without “actually” knowing you, I would’ve imagined you with only one child and a daughter at that. For some reason, it just seems like you…
I wrestled with this same question when my children were a couple years apart but for financial reasons. I knew that raising kids was very expensive! I had a customer tell me that I should go for it and I wouldn’t regret it. I am so glad I decided to take the plunge and go for another child. I can’t imagine my life without my son or daughter. They have gotten older and they are very expensive but I am giving them opportunities to grow and I’m proud of the choices they are making. It’s all so rewarding I can’t imagine being without either one!
As an only child myself I now have the responsibility of being the only one for my elderly mum to rely on. It’s sad for her as I live 2000kms away near my two beautiful late-teens, and it is a worry for me that she is lonely…Judging by your writings you are a great mum, with plenty of wisdom and love to mother two. Good luck making your big decision.
It’s really a tough decision that only the two of you can make.
It’s a lot of work up front… exponential, rather than linear the first two years. After that, they play together, entertain each other and actually end up giving us parents more down time.
From a social emotional perspective, I think there are things that the kids learn through osmosis… how to share, how to negotiate, how they are NOT the center of the universe.
On the minimalism, just remember that everything comes in phases… you’ll shift back to lean and mean in about 3, 4 years time. One book I highly recommend on how to keep sane is “Bringing up Bebe”.
Good luck with your decision.
I would shoot for another one. I think two is the perfect amount. Having another sibling growing up taught me to share and to look after someone other than myself. It also yields a variety of toys. I had my polly pockets, and my bro had his legos. He would share his legos with me, and we’d play stuffed animals together. People that grow up as the only child can get lonely or spoiled or somewhere in between. Having the children close together in age will enable you to hand things down so that you can own less, and it will mean they can look out for each other at school and in the world. Also, it means that they’ll leave the house around the same time so you can resume your other plans. I hope you do. As they say, the more, the merrier.
You know, as I read these comments, I was thinking that personality traits like being self-centered or anxious about socializing really aren’t the issue. Siblings being friends or enemies or supporting each other as adults also isn’t the issue. I feel like the issue is whether you *want* that second child, but are just intimidated by the practical factors involved. If so, I think you ought to do it because once the second is here, you will feel it is worth it. If you don’t really feel a second is for you, but feel guilty because you feel like in not having a second, you are doing a disservice to the first one, then don’t do it because you don’t have to do it to provide a happy childhood and good adulthood for your daughter.
I think of it like this, I have three brothers (they rock) and no sisters. But even though some sisters are best friends and some are enemies, I don’t wish I had a sister, because my reality is that I don’t. And I don’t have to or want to spend my precious life wishing I had things I don’t. And neither will your daughter. Isn’t that the real lesson of minimalism? To be content and enjoy your reality instead of being unhappy because of too many possibilities? Whatever you provide through healthy love will be fine and enough.
I’m not saying do it or don’t do it. I’m saying you can be happy and regret-free either way if you just allow yourself to be selfish for a moment and think “What do I really actually want for myself?” and then do that. Your daughter will thrive either way.
I love your reply, Lisa. Yes, I think that IS the real lesson of minimalism. Just the fact that parents consider their actions so deeply will benefit their only child, or their big brood.
All my only child friends/family member wish they had siblings. I have three sisters and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them. I have best friends outside the family, but those friendships will never have the security or selfless love that occurs within family. So I say YES, I think the more the better. I wish my parents had had more kids! Of course, they did all the work raising us and we enjoy the benefits. ;) Also, I have to say when you have siblings you learn to share and care for other people – it’s second nature. I think only children have the temptation/tendency to be self-centered due to their circumstances. (I know, there are many exceptions, but I find this to be the general case.)
I am the last of five children – but last by a looooong way, being 15 years younger than my youngest sibling. By the time I was three, they’d all moved out of home, so for many years was brought up as an effective only child.
My upbringing certainly has shaped me – I enjoy my own company, am very self-sufficient and independent. Is that because of the age gap and ‘only’ childhood, or thanks to another aspect of the parenting I experienced? Who knows.
For those who say that having siblings stops your children being alone later in life – the assumption there is that the siblings get on! While my sister and I are very close (even though there’s 12,000 miles between us), my brothers I barely see/hear from/communicate with. After years of unreciprocated contact from them, I’ve just stopped bothering.
There are lots of elements to weigh up in making this decision, but ultimately there are no guarantees. As with all things, follow your heart and do what makes you feel good.
Have another child: as an only daughter I find myself continually in awe of the unique relationships I see between sisters, brothers, and sisters and brother! It’s something that can never be duplicated, no matter how many friends your child is to have. Your children will be bonded for life and never be alone.
My DH and I are so happy with our one 6 year old boy – I see my friends too busy to focus with more than 1 child. Our decision was always between 1 and 2 kids, and we are SOOOO happy to have stayed at one child. We have the energy to focus on our son, our careers, we even have time to workout, and be active in his school. This may sound selfish, but it keeps all three of us very very happy; and we don’t feel like we are missing a thing! I am not a baby person anyway, and I am (again) soooo happy to be into the school years with our son. NO Regrets at having an only child – it just feels perfect for us. Do what feels right for you!!