If you’ve been following my blog lately, you know that I recently gave birth to my first child—a beautiful baby girl I call Plumblossom.
My husband and I waited a long time before deciding to settle down and procreate—so long, in fact, that my medical chart bore the lovely, geriatric-sounding “Advanced Maternal Age” label.
Which brings me to the subject of this week’s post… With my biological clock ticking (fast), DH and I need to make a decision soon as to whether we’re “one and done” or ready to try for another. It’s a tough call to make in the midst of first-time parenting sleep deprivation; however, we don’t have the luxury of waiting until Plumblossom is out of diapers to ponder a possible sibling.
Whenever I’ve imagined myself as a mother, it’s generally been to one child. In part, it’s because I’d like to resume our unstructured, nomadic lifestyle once our daughter is a little older; and it seems that planning around the needs, whims, and moods of one child would be much easier than two. We’d be able to devote our full attention and resources to her, and someday bestow on her a travel fund instead of struggling to put multiple children through college.
And yes, it seems more minimalist—with one child, we could get by with less stuff, smaller spaces, and fewer time commitments (be they doctor’s appointments, school activities, etc.).
On the other hand, I’ve seen the wonderful sibling interaction among my friends’ kids, and worry that Plumblossom may spend too many lonely hours wishing for a little brother or sister.
Both my husband and I have siblings, and therefore no experience with what it’s like to be an only child. So this week, instead of posting any words of wisdom or advice, I’m asking you for yours.
I know some of you will advise me to leave it to fate—a charming idea, to be sure, but one I’m not entirely comfortable with when it comes to major, life-altering decisions.
What I’d really like to hear are your experiences: did you decide to have just one child (or more) and why? What are the pros and cons to having (or being) an only child? Do you find minimalism becomes more challenging with each addition, or do shared possessions make for a greater “economy of stuff”?
Thanks in advance to all who respond–I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
With respect to previous commenters, I must note that many people with siblings find ourselves all alone dealing with parental caretaking, estates, etc. as well. I have a brother, yet I, like many others, alone must deal with all the issues that come with ailing and dying parents. Having a sibling does not mean you’ll not be alone in many things, including being a responsible family member/adult.
I have no advice to share, Francine. I simply wanted to applaud you for consciously considering the situation. Too few people do. Best of luck to you.
What a lovely, thoughtful, wise reply. I am one of four siblings whom I care for deeply but rarely see, since our lives have taken us in different directions. Though I grew up not wanting children, some wonderful experiences in life influenced my dh’s and my decision to raise three children. They are all so very different and have required varying degrees of time and guidance, ranging from minimal to all-consuming (fortunately, all of us have a very good sense of humor!). I have at times wondered how in the world i will do right by them – how can you have three pieces of your heart walking around without you ?! Anyway, that is my experience and I began this only wanting to agree that it is wonderful that you are “consciously considering” bringing a new life into the world. Best wishes!
There is no right answer. I will tell you what I know. I grew up as an only child and never felt I missed out from not having siblings BUT I chose to have 3 children myself because in my head, a ‘proper’ family meant noise and mess and chaos and lots of happiness. (There are days I just long for quiet!)
My firstborn is a lot of work, and often the work of 3 children overwhelms me and I think of how easy life would have been with just one child. However I am also realistic – I would never have been satisfied with one child as I never wanted that, and if I’d had one I wouldn’t know the wonderful little people who my girls are.
I believe that ultimately when we are all older people reflecting on
our lives we never regret the children we have, only those we did not. I also believe that if there is a question mark in your mind and heart it means you want another. Those who don’t are usually much more sure of their decision.
I have one son who is now 30 years old. He is the lone ranger and glad of it. In his experiences with other families and their myriad children he found bickering, lack of time spent with the parents and general competition between the older and younger children.
Yes, life and your family is what you make of it, but if you want to know if you can raise two children with only the ‘stuff’ of one, I would say, ‘GET REAL!’ What are you going to do, share diapers and pacifiers? What if your next one is a boy? Will you share those darling pink rompers with him? He won’t want the dolls, but will require trucks and baseball mitts. Each child will want (and need) their own ‘stuff’ to foster dreams/hobbies/careers, etc.
Remember too that no amount of wishing on your part will guarantee that your children will love and cherish each other when they grow up. You can set examples and have rules of conduct, but each child will have their own intrinsic character and outlook on life and their sibling. Just because they are in the same family does not mean that all will be well and they will jaunt happily together with you and your husband through all the back roads of life.
I personally am glad that I have one child. I was able to spend more time, with less ‘stuff’ to contend with, and have a deeper relationship with him than I might have if there were two or more other children. Don’t some parents have ‘favorites’…the child that can do no wrong, versus the one that is the ‘problem child’?
If you are a minimalist in your surroundings and in your outlook, then I believe that although life/children are what you make of them, that you would be happier with just ONE: pacifier, stroller, crib, playpen, bicycle, christmas stocking, bookpack, clothes closet, pair of muddy boots, snake/frog/bug collection,wet bath towel on the floor…etc.
Give of YOU… to one child and give them the opportunity to choose and experience lots of friends. Remember the old adage that you can chose your friends but not your relatives? Teach them how to befriend many worthwhile people and they will not miss siblings.
I was an only and felt that it warped me emotionally and socially. I was a high achiever, so outwardly “well adjusted and successful” but always fought a core of sadnessvand loneliness. I always just wished for someone to talk about my parents with, and someone who has known me my whole life.
As a parent, there was no question I would have at least two. We know many families with one, and though I often envy their less chaotic lives, I see how they fuss over one and know that it is not good. None of my adult only child friends plan on having an only child themselves.
What a sad reply!
I was an only child and a high achiever (graduated from college Summa, have a graduate degree, now work for NASA) and I can honestly say from day one I have NEVER been lonely. I’ve always loved my time alone – I entertain myself very, very easily and am happiest in solitary pursuits of reading and creative writing.
I’m now married and we are childless by choice. We’re both introverts and love our solitude.
Looking back, I realize what an immense blessing it was for me to be an only child.
It’s a tough one.
I see myself as a one child mother too. One day… if I do find a partner with whom it would feel right. Even though it’s a maybe for me, I’ve pondered at the subject quite a lot. Having four brothers myself I do wonder what not having siblings feels like.
The following article was a bit of an eye-opener for me. Emma Kennedy is an “only child” herself and her take is that it really isn’t a bad thing…
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/dec/03/emma-kennedy-only-children-siblings
It pretty much convinced me that one child is enough. For me the main thing to remember is that it’s never guaranteed two siblings will get on well. I had a friend at uni who had one sister and they couldn’t stand the sight of each other. Never had done. They mellowed with age and became a lot more courteous with each other mainly for their parents’ sake, but that’s as far as it will ever get. As much as I hate to admit it, I do feel much closer to two of my brothers than I do to the other two… “Blood ties” aren’t necessarily that strong.
There are no guarantees about how things will turn out either way.
Follow your heart.
I have two.. Our daughter was born with a disability and her younger brother has been such a joy for her – something that is hard for her really to show! She’s severely autistic – she can’t speak at all and doesn’t seem to understand much of what anyone has to say, but she shows a lot of love and patience for him. She actually ” helps ” him breastfeed, she plays with his hair and soothes him while he eats – affection she really only ever shows to him and very occasionally me. He is such a happy little chap who just loves everyone and everything-especially her! They’re still only little, she’s 4 and he’s only 7 months, but we just moved across the country with them both (Australia) and the only problem was the carpets in our new house! FLORAL! Eww! Hahaha! I actually think that minimalism goes really well with raising children in our society. We’re not having any more but we decided two was perfect! we were only going to have one and it was a huge decision to have another – especially since a child with special needs is so full on already. But I’m so glad we had another – possibly the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m on team two!
Also- I moved around a lot as a child (went to 12 different schools) and so my sisters are my two closest friends. I’m the younger sister at 27 and they are 31 and 29, so pretty close in age. We never stayed long enough in one place and so we relied on each other for friendship.
As an only child, I was very lonely. It didn’t help that we lived outside of town and there were no neighbor children, as a result I struggled to adjust to group social skills when I started school. My advice, should you decide against having additional children would be to ensure good socialization as best you can. Play groups, etc. Part of my social shortcomings were due the fact I was the only babysitting charge or a local woman (no other kids to play with, I didn’t know how to ‘group play’ and had trouble with sharing early on). On the other hand, I am comfortable being by myself.
Wow! Such an interesting question. Everyone is different. Happy parents make for a happy child. Do what u and your husbands heart says.
Based on my and my husband’s experience, we plan to have two children. My younger sister is my very best friend, even though we live far apart, and my brothers and I might not be close, but we know we will be there for one another in a pinch. My husband often wished he had a sibling who was closer to him in age (he was an only child until the age of nine), having a less sibling-y, more uncle-niece relationship with his sister – although now, in adulthood, there’s less of a difference than there once was. My mother and her siblings tag-teamed their parents’ care, which made a huge difference at times, and my father’s siblings who stayed closer to home do the same, easing the emotional burden of him having built his life a day’s air travel away from their remaining ailing parent. Our children aren’t guaranteed to support each other, but it seems likely, and we want to give them that opportunity.
We do, however, intend to live a more settled lifestyle in the meantime, at least until our children are old enough to understand the inconveniences of travel and assist in the cat-wrangling-in-international-airports, which is quite a few years away.
There are no guarantees that two siblings will be good friends or necessarily keep in touch. The most important part, IMO, is for the parents to live in supportive communities where there are people (of any age) who are good at interacting with and enjoying children. Here’s my own experience: I have a brother, two years younger. We grew up together until age 13, when my parents’ shared custody arrangement stopped working so well for us. He stayed with Dad after that, and I stayed with Mom. He was a good playtime companion for several years in elementary school, but I don’t think that was a role that a good neighbor or cousin couldn’t fill – we were growing up in an “aging” neighborhood, so few kids around, but we lived next door to my very dear grandparents and I spent so much important time with them. My brother and I aren’t very close now, mostly because he doesn’t like to keep in touch with anyone. But I have fond memories of the elderly neighbors who spent their time with me and taught me what they knew.
I think there’s a higher chance you would regret having just one than having two. Yes, two babies are a lot of trouble, but it is easier in the long run if they are close in age. I was an only child because my mother required a hysterectomy shortly after I was born. I always wanted a sibling. I’m an introvert who likes plenty of space and privacy, so on one hand, I’m grateful I didn’t have to deal with the “annoyance” of a sibling. Plus, despite being a low-income family, I got a lot of things I wanted that I’m sure wouldn’t have been possible if my parents had to feed and clothe another mouth. However, I’m very distant from my family. After the age of about seven, I rarely got to see my extended family and always felt like the black sheep when I did. My mother and I have a rocky relationship. I’m somewhat close to my dad, but he’s definitely not my go-to person in times of trouble. I always thought maybe if I had a sibling going through a lot of the same life experiences as me, I would have felt a little less lost and alone as a teenager. I had some close friends, but there’s some things someone can’t relate to unless they come from the same house and family as you. Plus, since I was my parents’ only child, they were very over-protective of me, and it got hard to even leave the house sometimes. My friends always told me I was lucky to be an only child, but watching them share those tender moments with their siblings, however infrequent they were, always made me jealous. If your gut tells you one is a good number, then go with it. But you need to be sure that you can be someone your plumblossom can feel safe talking to and spending time with. I always felt like a stranger in my own home (not fun), and kept a lot of pressing issues to myself (about boys, school, my eating disorder) because I thought my parents would either misunderstand or overreact. Friends come and go, but the bond between siblings is more fire-proof by nature. Yes, a lot of only children do feel lonely, but so do other kids. I’d say the loneliness issue is only worrisome when the parents don’t provide the companionship that siblings more easily can. Two kids does mean more work, money, and stuff, but the difference between raising one child vs two isn’t anything compared to the difference between raising one child vs none, which you’re already going through. If you plan on being “nomads” again while parenting, you might appreciate if your plumblossom always has a friend wherever you move or travel. But don’t feel forced to bite off more than you can chew. There’s no guarantee that plumblossom and her sibling will be close, either. What it comes down to is that she’s going to need SOMEONE in the family who’s understanding and supportive and makes her feel at home. If you can do it, more power to you. Unfortunately, my parents couldn’t provide that for me.
Natalia, wonderful thoughts. After reading your thoughts on how many kids to have, thinking through my own experiences in life, and then reading so many of these thoughts from other people, I think if there is a ‘best number’ of kids, that ‘number’ is either zero, or two. From my two sons I see many benefits of two, as Natalia noted so well above.
But of course nothing is a guarantee in life. And there are some decisions you can only make once (such as how many kids to have). So all you can do is go with your best gut feel.
I was a happy only child and was not lonely. I never had trouble finding friends to play with and easily amused myself when I had to be inside without other kids. Because I spent more time in the company of adults, I was more mature for my age and much better at making conversation with adults than my friends with siblings. People automatically assume only children are spoiled rotten. Growing up in a working class family, I had far less “stuff” than many middle class kids. As an example: my high school graduation gift was a 3-speed bicycle (an upgrade to my old 1-speed). We didn’t have money to go on vacations. But as minimalists know, happiness isn’t about stuff, it comes from within. As an only child, I learned early to be self-reliant.
My husband had one sibling, a brother 4 years younger. They always disliked each other; then his brother died of cancer at age 18.
My mother’s brother was 8 years older, so they were never playmates. As adults, they got along fine. He didn’t get involved at all in the care of their parents as they aged; it was my mom 100%.
A couple I know recently decided to start their family after a couple years of marriage. She is 40, he is over 50. They thought it would be lovely to have A child. They quickly found out she is carrying triplets. Their whole world is upside down as they prepare for the logistics of how this will affect their lives.
As many commenters have noted, you can’t engineer that everything will be happily ever after for you and your child/children. You may have an only child who is happy or miserable. You may have two children who love or hate each other. Your children may care for you later on or cause you endless grief and pain. You may expect one child and end up having multiples. So just follow your hearts and create the family that feels right for you and your husband. Best wishes to you whatever you may decide.
If you are asking other people, many of whom are strangers, the answer is probably no.
If you decide to go with one please create a good support network of family & friends, so they will not be alone when you both are gone, also create a substantial fund to hire a nurse-helper in your old-age.be prepared to also relocate to be nearer your only child & grandchildren because Skype wont be enough
I find it interesting you equate having only one child as a minimalist decision. My understanding of minimalism is about reducing “things” so you have more time/energy/money for the things that really matter, like relationships. You wouldn’t reduce the number of your relationships because you are a minimalist (would you?).
But that’s why it’s such an interesting question. Having another child by default “increases” not relationships nor things but rather both.
I haven’t read any of the other comments, but here are my two cents:
I’m an only child, and I don’t like it. As a child, I never really cared, because I had enough friends and cousins to play with and, like you said, I got the undivided attention of my parents. But as I get older, I start to miss the feeling of having a sibling with whom you can share family history. It seems to be such a special relationship, and I feel like I’m missing out. It’s not that I *hate* being an only child (there are some advantages), but I wouldn’t recommend it to anybody. My parents are also divorced, and both single, so my husband an I will be the only ones that can take care of them as they get older. Also something to keep in mind.
Absolutely yes! My greatest joy is spending time with my grown 3 children and I might add that I had twins my second pregnancy and found myself with 3 children all under the age of 3. The early years were hard but oh so worth it. Our children have filled our lives with so much love, laughter and joy. With a heart as beautiful and big as yours is……you could have a house full of children and never ever regret your decision.
I have two wonderful little girls. They are both very different from each other and add more to my life then I could ever measure!
Wow, thank you *so much* for all your thoughtful comments and advice! I love this community, and the opportunity to hear about all your different experiences and opinions. It gives me much to consider; although, in the end (as several of you noted), DH and I must follow our hearts. :)
Popped in for a visit. Glad I did. What I hear is “I’d like to resume…, bestow on her a travel fund (what if she doesn’t have your same desires), planning around the needs whims and moods of one child…, less stuff, smaller space, less time commitments…Don’t mean to judge but as a single parent of 3 now teenagers “it ain’t all about you anymore”. It’s about your daughter and what’s best for everyone. If it’s always only going to be about you, don’t bother with a second. It wouldn’t be fair to that child. Parenting is definitely for givers and there is much sacrifice. I say stay with one and hope she learns that the world isn’t all only about her as well. Sorry to be so harsh but the selfishness jumps out at parents who have large families. You asked. thanks.
Cynthia,
I think your comments do come across as harsh, and I come from a LARGE family. I respect your opinion, but there are also MANY people who view those with lots of kids as being selfish, from a global, resource-using perspective. Overpopulation is a major problem in the world, and to ignore/deny that is foolish. I’m not saying that there is a magic number of kids that every family should have, but I think that those who choose to have one, or even none, are no more “selfish” than those who have a lot. (In fact, many would say that they are the opposite of selfish:)
Having a lot of kids does not make someone a “better person” than someone who has none, nor does it make one “more of a parent” than someone who has only one child. Everyone has different goals, priorities, and dreams in life. Sometimes they include having children and sometimes they don’t, but there are good rationales for supporting quality over quantity.
I think that Miss Minimalist has been quite open and thoughtful in her initial posting, simply putting the thought out there that she and her husband are considering whether to add a 2nd child. I really don’t see how that kind of thoughtful approach is somehow indicative of having “a problem with her priorities.” Everyone has their own lives to lead, so criticisms like that do not seem to be helpful. If more people put more long-term critical thinking into their decisions, I think the world would be a better place overall:)
In a nutshell, there is a problem with your priorities if you ask me. And you did. Thanks.
I sent one comment by email before reading the comments.
Several people have mentioned taking care of their parents respite care and estates on their own, but I don’t think that should be a big worry. By the time you’re in that situation, chances are Plumblossom will be married, so she won’t have to do it on her own!
I am one of five kids. Two kids are easier to care for than one. Possibly not in the diaper stage but when you are dealing with a 1 and 2 year old or a 2 and 3 year old they play together, help each other, and watch out for one another. The younger one will attempt to keep up with the older one and the older one tends to want to show the younger one everything.
Whatever decision you make is all yours but I promise you will never regret having a second and when little plumblossom and sibling are your age they will still have have so many shared memories that bring smiles to each other’s faces that other’s around them will never understand.
I was an only child until I was 9 1/2 years old, then my mom and dad were finally able to get pregnant again, and they had my brother. Being so far apart in age, it was nice for the both of us to have our parents to ourselves for a part of our growing up time, mine–while I was young, him–while he was a teenager. We are both very close now, too, even with the large age difference. Parents have to encourage their kids to be friends, too, by not playing favorites, always trying to be equal in what you give them, and using the ‘family comes first’ motto. I think everyone who has children should only have two, no more and no less. Then you have one for each hand, or one for each parent! I would definitely try for one more, and if it doesn’t happen, oh well, but you won’t be sorry if it does! Good luck!
The choice of children is highly personal and there are no wrong answers. I have three children and one of my greatest joys is watching them play together, negotiate with eachother, defend eachother, and discover the world together. My 3yo has informed my that her brother 2yo is her best friend. They are both so sweet with their littlest sister 5mos and are truly our treasures. I also find it easier with more children, as they play together and help me out. I don’t think that children or the number of children necessarily corespond to more ‘stuff’. We live in a small (1000sqft) house and, if anything have less stuff with each child. Happy ponderings.
I totally agree. I have four kids and we have a 977sq/ft house.
This is so tricky!!
My sister is my best friend, I am so grateful to have her in my life. I also have two adorable younger half brothers, and they are an absolute joy. Having said all that, my husband is a only child and happy as can be!!!
Whatever decision you make I’m sure you’ll give your child/ren a beautiful life :)
What a wonderful question and as most have expressed really an individual decision. Since I can only speak for myself, I will say that I love my two boys more than anything in this world. I had a hard time concieving and wasn’t sure I could even have children, so my first son was born when I was 34. After very hard labor and complications, I thought I would not be able to have any more children. I accepted that decision and was moving forward with my career, but it seemed like something was missing. Then, at 38, I gave birth to my second son, and quit my job to stay at home with them. They have both brought so much joy into our lives and even though they are 4 years apart, and now 15 and 11, they are very close. They are reaching very different stages of their lives, but it is funny to see one of them “at a loss” as to what to do when the other one has plans. I am so blessed to have had both of them in my life.
I totally understand your questions as I have been trying to convince my husband for us to have another child (we are 2o years apart I am 31 he is 51) My mom and step dad had the same age difference and we lost my step father to pancreatic cancer may of 2011 that was my lil brothers dad they were so close when dad was not at work those 2 did everything together my reason to have another child is I see how lonely my lil brother is esp since his dad died, it makes me so sad I think if he had a brother or sister closer to his age instead of 22 years older then him then he could have that child to talk to and tell each other how they feel with dad being gone I think it would have helped his grieving process alot. that is why I want another child as our daughter is my husbands 3 child (2 kids from his first marriage are around my age near 30) and I don’t want her to go through what my brother is going through if something should happen to one of us before she is grown. I grew up with my big brother who is 3 years older then me and am so glad I did cause when times get tuff we are there for each other
I think you should follow your instincts. Only the two of you know the right answer.
However, my two cents…
Ten years ago my sister and I spent a week with our stepfather while he was dying, last year we spent a week with our father while he was dying, and three weeks later, a week with our grandfather as he was dying. We were so, so, so grateful to have each other, and knew just how lucky we are. I think we may take each other for granted most of the time, honestly, but it is times like that that have made me very glad I’m not an only child. Not that long ago one of my closest friends (only child, divorced, two adult kids who aren’t terribly supportive) had to deal with flying from San Francisco to LA constantly to care for her parents who were both in an accident, and then very ill, and then dying. And then to take care of all the after-death arrangements. Alone. It was extremely hard on her.
Enough said, I think.
You make a good point, but then argue somewhat against yourself. “Alone.” (despite having 2 kids).
Hi Francine, I think the fact that you’re asking the question and putting it out there means your heart has already decided for you. The more love in life the better, your Plumblossom will thank you. Best of luck… Xx
I have four children 5 and under. Women with only one child are always baffled by how I can manage. With one child, you cater to the child–this is very difficult. With four, you have a group and the kids must get along (not perfectly, of course) and I can’t cater to their tastes and wants. And we still take big trips! :)
I imagine that it is much easier to be a minimalist with many kids. (I think we might even have a couple more.) There are things that you can’t get around like number of beds, but you have a recycling chain, esp if you have multiple kids of the same sex.
Lots of the comments talked about adults having someone who understood their childhood; this is important. There is so much to laugh about, dead family members to remember. And now with my own kids, I like that they have cousins, even when they live far from us.
I read that in China with the one child policy, there are lots of children who have no cousins nor aunts nor uncles. None. This was really startling to me.
I say another baby will make your minimalist path BETTER, both externally and internally.
View having kids as the Olympics of your minimalist athletic career. Sparce though you no doubt were, you will almost certainly find you will want less with your next child than you thought you did with your first, and chuck your crib or swing or toys. In terms of time commitments, you’re in control of those; they are often as unnecessary, but considered as vital, as clutter. I know people who simply don’t do well-child visits (I’m considering this myself with #2). Enrichment activities are often superfluous, as children are readily enriched everywhere they are allowed to be so. If it can be done, homeschooling offers huge flexibility. Embracing children along with minimalism forces one to further question the expectations of our culture; in more traditional cultures, it’s typical to have lots of kids and live amazingly simple lives.
Children are also beneficial to simplicity of the soul (if you’ll forgive that phrase). I’m an Eastern Orthodox Christian; we tend to be pretty pro-child, because we believe that children are gifts from God, but also, more pertinently to this post, because we believe children further the ascetic life of the parent. Askesis, the voluntary struggle in order to gain virtue, is critical to monastic traditions (you’ve mentioned Buddhist monks in your blog, so I assume you are familiar with this), and Orthodox and many others would argue that it’s critical to all of us. Children require us to shed our internal clutter–selfishness, vanity, arrogance, etc. Kids make us sort through our skewed priorities and choose only the ones that matter. I’ve only got one child so far, but I’ve been told that, in this regard, it’s actually easier to have multiple children.
Minimalism is only a means to an end, a way to clear out room for what’s important; no doubt your daughter has already shown you the meaning of what is important, and another child would do no less.
Since there’s no way to know what tomorrow will bring I think you can only ask yourself if you want to love on two children or one. It’s not about how much work they are or are not, they may be healthy or not, they may get along or not, or help you in your old age or not, and so on and so on. I have two boys seven years apart (born at that adv maternal age you mentioned). If I’d started younger I may have had more as my experience is that they add joy to my life and I love loving them.
I had one child after 13 years with The Hubs. I couldn’t picture myself with another either. I’m so glad my “advanced maternal” reproductive system surprised us with a second even after the infertility made us stop trying. Now I can’t picture it any other way.
Dear Miss Minimalist,
Hi its Jake again from Australia where you posted the email of my own experiences with living minimally. In response to your feedback of having one child vs having more children. I am an only son to my parents marriage. My father was previously married in Canada where he was born and grew up in the Niagara Peninsula. He has two daughters who from his first marriage who are 15 years older than myself before I came along. Growing up as an only son was good in a way that you don’t fight with your siblings, but it can be a double edged sword as now I am caring for my frail mother as I am the only adult child who can look after her as there isn’t any other siblings to share the burden. I met my two sisters when travelling to Canada for the first time to see them along with my grandfather, nephew, aunts, uncles and many cousins. They are the family that I never got to meet til then. It was odd meeting my sisters as they had each other as siblings and me been on my own, where they never had a baby brother. We clicked almost instantly guessing it must be the genes, and yes a couple of heated discussions did arise only when it came to seeing family on my fathers side. So to say me personally try for at least one more baby as the children will grow together and lean on each other as they get older. Remember they won’t be babies forever. My mother is now an only daughter in a way as all three siblings one brother and two sisters have all passed on. She said to me one day, Jake how do you cope been just on your own with no siblings to talk to to before you met your sisters. I replied I always have you remember Mum, your more than just my mother you will always be my best friend as no one knows me better than you do. Having one child you will develop an unusually close bond with your daughter as they get older. Its the age old question of having one or more. The choice is ultimately yours and the decision shouldn’t affect your daughter. Ask some mothers who have one baby and ask them yourself that always helps.
Kindest Regards Jake
I am one of three siblings but as my brother has Aspergers and my sister Bipolar, I don’t have regular brother and sister relationships with them, in as far as I cannot lean on them or ask advice or have relaxing chats. Same with my parents over the years, as their energy has obviously had to be directed to my brother and sister’s needs and as a result, I have never felt I can Ask for advice or help from them either or even just chill out with them much. So my friends have become more like family for me, which makes me sad, especially as my mother is now widowed and in her sixties and my brother lives with her and I feel there has rarely been much space or opportunity to spend any peaceful time with them. On to how many children you want to have, well I have one daughter age 5, whom I had in my late 30’s and she is a joy and I am happy that I just have the one but recognise that that is probably a reaction to a rather chaotic childhood and watching a bipolar sister have 5! I also think it is for me, an issue of feeling in control of my life, in terms of keeping on top of everything and trying to follow a basic lifestyle.
I’ve grown up as the eldest of two children with a mother from a family of seven and a father from a family of five. I love my brother, but I don’t think that I would be less happy if I had grown up without a sibling. Every child adjusts to their family situation. With proper parenting no child should feel as though they were at a disadvantage if they didn’t have siblings. My advice is to prioritize and figure out what is most important to you. Age is one thing I recommend you consider. My father was over forty when my brother was born and my mum was in her late thirties. They’re dealing with a teenager and aging at the same time. Childcare becomes more difficult when a parent is older. A parent’s ability to care for a child or teenager may be compromised by health problems or things like early menopause. I think it’s best to be prepared for all possibilities. Everyone has a different opinion, but that’s because everyone grew up differently. Our experiences shape our decisions. Make your decision according to what you’ve learned is best.
Dear Miss Minimalist,
I am an only child and I can honestly tell you that I do not feel that I ever missed out on not having siblings. I think that if you wish to have more children you should do it because you want to expand your family and not because you are hoping for your child to have a play mate, because that may never happen. If you have always felt that you should only have one child, then my opinion is that you should only have one child. As long as your child feels wanted and loved, that’s all that matters. She will make friends and she will have the both of you.
I have two kids and have a hard time imagining only one now. I think having more than one lends itself to a minimalist lifestyle, because being a minimalist means having time to focus on what matters in life – relationships, family, etc. – instead of materially possessions. My advice is don’t let material possessions stand in the way of having a larger family. It just means that the possessions win. Also, I think my girls can get by on less toys when they have a playmate. If they’re close in age, they can share a lot of things anyway, or pass them down and then out the door more quickly.
I have one sibling, a twin brother. We were very different people from birth, and we fought a lot when we were kids. We love each other, but now that we’re adults we tend to keep our distance. My cousins each have two siblings, and they seem very happy and close.
I’m really glad I have a brother, because if I didn’t, my parents wouldn’t have anyone else to worry about and pin their dreams on. One of my good friends is an only child, and she’s still struggling to break the apron strings, so to speak. My bro and I have both been pride and disappointment for our parents, in various ways, as all kids are… but at least they have two of us, so neither of us has to bear all of it. I always wished I had a sister, though. Our parents considered having a third kid when we were small, but they were afraid they might get twins again, and the idea of four kids was too much for them!
I think it’s important for kids to have other kids around, so they can see what their “peers” are doing and learn to get along with others. It’s not healthy for a kid to spend all her time around adults. Even though Plumblossom will have play dates, school mates, etc., she might benefit from having another kid living in the same house. And all kids are different; you don’t know what joys that new one might bring you!
Having kids is a very personal choice, and in many ways it’s the ultimate vanity. They’re the only thing you will ever make that is likely to outlast you. So of course you and your husband must decide for yourselves. I’d vote for a second kid (I know I will have more than one of my own), but what do I know.
I was raised an only child. When I used to ask my late mother, “Why didn’t you have other children?” she would reply: “Because I only wanted one.” She had a difficult time conceiving; maybe that put her off trying for another. I always was around my cousins from my mom’s sister’s and brothers’ families, so they were like my brothers and sisters I never had. We fought and loved each other growing up, just like brothers and sisters do. I sometimes longed for a brother or sister to talk to, but I was raised by my mother to be a strong person. I appreciated having my own room, my own bathroom, and other luxuries my cousins never knew or experienced growing up. I do not have any children, but that has nothing to do with being an only child, I believe. It was just a choice I made, after seeing many of my cousins having children out of wedlock, and struggling to raise them, or getting married BECAUSE they got pregnant. And also because I still haven’t settled down with the right man yet.
New to your blog and to minimalism. So no comments on this topic from a minimalist standpoint, but I am an only and have always LOVED it! As a child, I never wanted siblings. Though, I must say that I was in a single parent home and saw how much my mom struggled and sacrificed. So another child just didn’t make sense. I loved all the time I had to myself, having an introspective nature.
I had 3 best friends growing up. They all had siblings…and all wished they hadn’t! lol I always thought it’d be cool to have an older brother though…someone to look out for me. I definitely don’t see it as a negative to have siblings. You’re used to what you’re used to. I’m used to being an only and wouldn’t change it for the world!
If I had a child and had to decide on having another child, I think I would base the decision on resources and the desire (and perseverance) to do so, as opposed to whether or not he/she should have a sibling. I say that because sibling relationships can and do go wrong, despite the best parenting.
Life is the most precious gift we are given. To be able to participate in God’s creation of new souls is such an honor and should always be looked upon with awe and never fear. I enjoy this blog because it helps to put material creation in perspective to the eternal. By being open to life, you are living out this beautiful philosophy. As a mother to five beautiful blessings, I can say that they bring me closer to God daily and challenge me to grow constantly. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Hi Francine,
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy, and I hope these responses have benefited you! I am the youngest daughter of 3 children (the first two were boys) and though we went through spats as young children, as adults we are close (we range from 25 – 30). We might not speak to each other every week or month like when we lived together, but I couldn’t imagine life without my brothers. They add a lot of strength and love and solidity to my life (which probably would have been replaced with some extra friends in another version of life, but anyway).
Practically, having the three of us is useful since our folks split, and one parent went through some struggles and nearly died; one kid could help shoulder that particular burden while the other two carried on life back home. We eventually were raised by a single parent, but we have all grown into self-sufficient, capable, productive, loving people anyway and we are still a strong family. I don’t think my folks regretted multiple kids, even though it made a few more sleepless nights than 1 might have. Best wishes.
One or two? I don’t know. I was an only child and did not miss having siblings. I had two daughters–and here’s something that MIGHT apply to your situation. Each of my daughters had one child, but in many ways the cousins are more like siblings. The cousins are now in their 20s and each is quite independent–but whenever there’s a family gathering–for celebration or crisis–they are there supporting each other.
Hi Francine! This is your cousin, Debbie! I can speak of both experiences. My oldest, Dave, pretty much grew up as an only child. When he was 13, I started round two of having children. Dominick and Bella are only 18 months apart. I too had the advanced maternal age label. Since I can now see both sides, I see the advantages of having one child: more one on one time, less stuff, no sibling rivalry. I also see the advantages of two close in age: sharing of everything, socialization and interaction, good competition in school work and activities and a sibling to share experiences. I did not think that two so close in age really made a difference in the amount of “stuff.” When Dom outgrew it, it was time for Bella to use it. Then it was time to give it away. Two was just as easy as one, in my opinion, outside of almost a year with very little sleep!
Dear Francine,
being a father of two, I can say that, from a point of minimalisticness, the little brother did not add significantly to the amount of things, other than himself and reintroducing nappies again. He re-uses his older brothers toys and clothes, and they even play with the same things a lot of the time. They hold each other dear, so my experience of them is to be happy together. Obviously no one can counsel you on this decision, but I was always for > 2. We did not want to leave it to fate, as you suggested, but fate (or however you would call her) gave another one to us anyhow :-) Blessings for one or two or…
Although I have a brother and sister they are considerably older and I did not grow up with them. I was incredibly lonely as a child, and although I knew only how it was to have my parent’s full attention and loved THAT, I knew I had a brother and sister who got to grow up with each other and it actually caused me a lot of sorrow to be alone and lonely.
I interacted mainly with adults and by the time I got to pre-school, already able to read and hold mature (for a tiny one) conversation I was an odd duck to other children. I never in all my years of school ‘fit in’ or understood properly how to interact with children and still to this day even though I am in my 30’s I find I establish better relationships with people at least a decade older. Which isn’t a problem now, but as a child and teenager, being odd and lonely was torture. I did make friends, usually just one, but there was a lot of time between friends.
If I could re-live my childhood (wouldn’t wanna, it sucks being a kid) I would choose one other sibling.
It doesn’t mean we would get on forever or not fight or be best friends but now I know my siblings in adulthood I KNOW I missed out. Big time.
Having said that, if you choose one child, and expose her to other kids and help build a community around her she shouldn’t feel lonely!