Every Monday I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
This week, we have an inspiring contribution from Sarah Circus Nachos, who’s using her minimalism to work through a difficult period in her life. Visit her blog to read more of her story.
Sarah writes:
Minimalism seems very natural to me. From a very young age, I loved traveling and I really loved packing up for a big trip. Over time, I realized that the less I packed, the easier it would be to move through airports, hotels, and strange cities. Taking that idea one step further, I figured if I had less stuff overall, I might find more opportunities to travel. I took my theory to an extreme when I was 23 by packing a military surplus backpack full of clothes and books and wandering around the US for 6 months.
Somewhat more settled now, I have a new challenge to deal with. My father died 3 years ago, leaving me and my sister responsible for the contents of his 3 bedroom apartment and his storage unit. Having to relocate all of his belongings into a new 25 by 10 foot storage unit was the beginning of my “psychotic hoarder/psychotic minimalist” split personality phase. Sometimes I just wanted to curl up on top of a pile of boxes and cry. Other times I wanted to burn the storage unit to the ground.
My New Year’s resolution this year was to spend every Sunday in the storage unit, purging, sorting, prioritizing, selling, craigslisting, donating, and whatever else it takes to clear it out. I even started a blog to share my progress with my family and friends – sundaysinthestorageunit.wordpress.com .
Coming home on Sunday nights after a long stretch in the storage unit always prompts me to look around my own apartment and double check if I really need everything. There’s a perpetual Salvation Army/Goodwill basket in the living room that gets filled and emptied regularly. I’m currently in the middle of the 333 project, a challenge to only wear 33 items of clothing and accessories for 3 months. I packed all my extra clothes away, and with the exception of my heavy winter parka and sweaters, I can’t really remember what’s in there!
Minimalism for me is about having room for experiences and people. I look into the storage unit and I can say with zero hesitation that I would rather have my Dad than all his stuff. He died very unexpectedly, and if the same happens to me, I would want the people I left behind to be comforted by their memories of me, rather than burdened by all my belongings.
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
Wow, I can relate to so much of your story. My mother also passed unexpectedly. She was a shopaholic and hoarder. Since I don’t have any siblings, I was left with the burden of handling the disposal of all the excess. It was already a very trying time that was made much worse by that legacy.
Good for you for thinking ahead and being considerate of those who love you. A legacy of memories is much more valuable than any mass of clutter.
That is so beautiful…
You are truly heroic dealing with all of this! I am dreading the day that I will have to clear out my father’s house (fortunately he is still with us, although elderly). But his house is not one third as bad as your storage unit! I would be completely overwhelmed I think. Especially as you obviously miss him so much. Dealing with all the memories is harder than getting rid of all the stuff I should think. Good luck with all your efforts.
My dad passed away as well. Several years ago. I’ve been avoiding going through the stuff of his that we didn’t sort through immediately – about half a storage unit’s worth or random things. My husband and I are moving out of the state in about 6 weeks, so I finally have to go through it. That’s such a tought thing to do, but I think it is definitely part of the healing process.
We are doing Project 333 as well as a whole family. I thought it would be harder for the kids, but they seem fine over 1 month in now.
Thanks for sharing your story!
My sisters and I had to clear out our mother’s house too. She was a big hoarder and had also inherited a lot from my grandmother. It was such a hard job especially as my sisters and I didn’t live nearby, are all only in our 20s and neither of us owned our own home to give a permanent place to anything. A year since we finished the job, we have all moved house (one to a new city, my baby sister to Australia and me to China) and we all have very little from our childhoods left. There are a few items in storage with kind friends, the rest went to charity. Good luck with your purge, it’s tough but you’ll get there. I’m sure your father would be very proud of how you’re coping. :)
Wow, Sarah, I went and checked out your blog and you are heroic. I’m not sure I would have the steely determination you’ve displayed to deal with my family’s stuff. I’m determined to leave this Earth with nothing more than a small roomful of belongings (if that) and my ordered paperwork easily accessible. I’m in my mid-thirties and realizing that going through all my stuff and getting rid of it while tending to my family and my job is hard work. Little by little, one piece at a time… You are an inspiration; best wishes to you!!
Sarah, thank you for sharing your story. Please accept my deepest sympathies for the passing of your father. My dad also died suddenly/unexpectedly when I was 25.
Fortunately I did not have to deal with his things on top of grieving. Mum and dad were happily married when he passed away and she took the burden. Watching her do it though, I realized the same thing you did – It’s not easy and it’s not something I want my children or other loved ones to be doing when the inevitable happens.
After his death, I pared my personal posessions drastically to only a few loved items (apart from everday necessities like clothing). I was comforted by the fact that my children wouldn’t have to wade through a household full of goods to find what mum cherished (as far as inanimate objects go).
Good luck on your journey Sarah. It will be hard but hopefully you will feel some closure and a sense of relief when it’s complete. Best wishes now and for the future.. Would love to read an update post in a few months time..
Thanks for sharing your story and I love that you are blogging about the experience of cleaning out your father’s things as I know so many people can relate. I sometimes wonder if it’s even harder to deal with our loved one’s stuff than our own.
You’re not kidding … just a peak in that storage unit would be enough to make any of us ‘curl up on top of a pile of boxes and cry.’ But the fact that you’re making the choice to wade through this all is more than admirable. And your closing words are powerful reminders to us that our families are going to want loving, warm memories of us, not unending piles of our accumulations to have to sift through and be responsible for.
And as a counselor and life coach and blogger, I love that you’re blogging about the adventure, because that will be terrific therapy for you and a spark of encouragement for those who read it who’ll say, with great relief,’yes, I can do this, too!’
Good luck to you as you continue to purge your father’s things while at the same time holding fast to his memory. I fear I’ll be in a similar situation soon as my mother is very ill. The one thing she loves, perhaps even more than my brother and me, is her house and the junk she’s filled it with. What an 80-year-old woman needs with a four-story house of outdated furniture is beyond me. One of her rooms is only 6×6 and she has eight pieces of very large furniture in it. I cry every time I drive up north to visit her because I have to crawl over, around, and through things just to get to her. How could she burden us this way?
Yes, making space for people and experiences makes sense to me. What is more important than that? No-thing.
When my parents died eight years ago (7 months apart), I had to clear out a 5-bedroom house with full basement in about 3 months. It definitely made me do a rethink about possessions. I’ve been working on decluttering my life ever since. It’s definitely a process. There have been a few things that I later regretted disposing of, but I don’t miss having so much stuff.
Wow. Got chills reading your story. Incredible. I’m so sorry for your loss and the added burden of having to recope every Sunday. But so impressed with your drive to push forward and allow it to change your connection with your belongings. Keep up the great work.
This is the very reason I’ve been inspired to limit my sentimental keepsakes to one single small chest. Everything else in the home has be used and useful, but that’s the one space I can keep memories just for the sake of keeping memories.
Oh my goodness, I’ve just read your blog from the beginning and am in awe of your stamina and the thoroughness with which you are approaching this unexpected and unwelcome burden. I’m so sorry that your father passed at such a relatively-young age.
It’s interesting to read your take on your father’s collections, the stamps, comics and other objects which he believed were investments which he could cash in one day. A relative of mine deals in books and comics and regularly gets calls and emails from people who want to sell their collections and he has to decline; most of what people have hoarded isn’t even worth the fuel to go fetch it, even if they’re giving it away. And, as you’ve found out, is constantly being meanaced by damp and vermin. It’s a lesson to us all about holding onto things until they become useless instead of letting them go. I do hope you keep on blogging as I’ve book-marked your site.
I wish more people would pare down before they meet their Maker (I plan to because emotions make it drastically harder to part with a loved one’s belongings, I know from experience). My father-in-law saved the wedding bands from his deceased parents (WTF?) and now I have them sitting in my jewelery box…it’s just uncomfortable on so many levels. I hope your journey inspires people regardless of their age/health to keep what is necessary because it WILL be someone’s burden someday. My condolences.
I had such rings in my possession, too. Two generations of narrow wedding rings, all battered and very slightly deformed. And then I had an idea. I asked a jeweller to make them all into one beautiful ring. I liked that idea very much. All those four rings melted and made into one. Fire cleans everything, and now there’s a new ring, everything is started anew.
In times like that, I always wonder why a certain thing, so worthless in my eyes, was so important to that person. Was there a story behind that, or was it just a thoughtless purchase, or did that thing belong to someone else, or… whatever. I guess all things must have a story to gain a place in one’s home. A hard-gained place, I must add :)
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I cannot imagine what you must be going through with the loss of a loved one who was so close to you. My condolences.
Project 333 sounds really interesting. I’ve never heard it before but I’m not sure I even have 33 items of clothing to participate in the challenge ;) I’m just living the challenge on more extreme terms. Ha.
I think I’m going to find it very difficult dealing with my family’s possessions, especially since they have so many of them! It makes me think about when I die… people won’t really have the stress of that, but then I get scared that no one will remember me :/ But that’s a long way off yet… I hope!
Kind regards,
Tim
Thank you to all the lovely Miss Minimalist readers, and to Miss Minimalist herself for featuring me. It was my honor to share my story with this community.
Reading your story makes me cringe thinking about what I’ll be facing some day when I get to deal with my parents house. I’ve been culling through my possessions do my kids don’t get to face a similar situation. And all that stuff I’d saved from their early years, I’ve found out from them already (they’re teenagers) that they have no interest in much of it so I’m letting them cull it too. I have the photos scanned & that should do for memories.
Thank you for sharing your story and journey with us! I can really relate to your struggles going through your father’s belongings.
When my grandparents passed away, we had to sort through all their stuff and it was just overwhelming. We wondered why my grandmother saved large quantities of extra string, for example. Apparently the great depression resulted in a tendency to hoard anything that might be useful. My mother, when packing up everything, swore to never leave behind a house like that for her chidren to clean up.
Unfortunately, my mother developed dementia and her house was even worse than my grandparent’s house, when we helped her relocate to an assisted living residence recently.
I understand your hoarding versus minimalist split personality, but I think minimalism will win out in the end. It sounds like you have personally witnessed the burden that too many possessions creates for those we leave behind.
Ah this takes me back to when my Dad passed away. I truly admire you patience and how you meticulously consider every item – I could not do it.
I recall Mom and I just loading up masses of boxes and taking them to Goodwill. It was all just too much at that time, and she had to sell the house, so there was a lot of pressure.
It must be very therapeutic and a lovely way to remember you Dad going through things in the way you are.
Hi Sarah, reading your story reminded me of how hard it can be to deal with stuff of a deceased family member, especially if (as in my case) the relationship was painful/difficult. The emotions that can be stirred up paralysed me, and I have finally winnowed down what I have left of my past into 4 file boxes and a small moving box. One day I may digitize the documents and pics and consolidate them further, but for now I have come to terms with the emotionality of it all.
I know that going through the items can be cathartic (it was in some ways for me), but have you considered having an estate sale of his belongings? I apologize if you addressed this already in your blog. It can be easier if you have someone else handle it, and most companies I’ve worked with (I sell vintage oddities, housewares, books, and cameras) will work for a commission based on the total sales. This way, you and your sister can clear things out faster.
Be well, and remember to take good emotional care of yourself as you navigate this – it can be draining.
My mother had 25 years to deal with a slowly debilitating terminal illness. As her health declined, she downsized graciously until we moved her into 2 rooms in my sister’s house. She had 16 boxes and the small amount of furniture for her bed room and sitting room. She even had the forsight to purchase an electric adjustable bed, twin size which took up less space. It made the last year of her life and dealing with her belongings after her death so easy for us. Thank you, Mom.
Thank you. My father also unexpectedly passed away a year ago. So many times I curled up on his bed and cried, surrounded by his things. Fortunately, he was somewhat of a minimalist and left few possessions behind. Even then, I can recall picking up something as seemingly insignificant as his favorite hat and breaking down at the memories it left behind. Your story has brought me strength to continue to go through his things Slowly. But with the comfort of knowing someone else out there is going through a similar experience. Again, thank you.
We put my mom in a nursing home because her last fall put her into a coma. She had always been a hoarder and into get rich quick schemes. Every day she asks what became of her mixer, serving pieces, knitting yarn , old buttons or whatever. I am so glad my siblings and I cleaned her place out now, rather than after she died. I have never been a hoarder but this makes me have even less. My daughter is a hoarder so I don’t go to her apartment.
My mom tried to hoard in the nursing home. The doctor had one of the nurses aides throw out a bunch of her stuff. I ask her every time I visit what she wants to get rid of, old magazines, news papers, sugar packets, or what. I have never hoarded, but I have never been so determined to keep my house empty as I have been lately.
Lately, my mom has given me a few papers to recycle each time I visit. Not much, but a big difference in attitude. She gained weight but won’t wear the new clothes she has. The old clothes are too tight. She is 89, so she isn’t going to change unless she wants to change.
My mom finally gave me some clothes to give away. She still has too many old magazines and papers.
My mom died, leaving 14 big bags of junk in her small room at the nursing home. She had stuffed papers behind her clothes, between her mattress and the footboard of her bed and anywhere else she could hide spoiled food, used paper cups, used tea bags, and other weird things. My daughter wanted two of her shirts, my SIL got 2 nightgowns, and I got 2 T shirts. When I took over her bank account, I cancelled a lot of her magazines and catalogs, and a lot of crazy stuff about fad diets. At 90, she had no dementia, spoke 6 languages, and had all of her own teeth.
I still get some of my Mom’s nutty mail about “collector’s plates”, fake coins and other trash. I have got most of it stopped. I throw out a ton of stuff every day. I was reading a story about a girl who was living in a Russian labor camp in the 1950’s. There was a cholera epidemic and her father told her not to drink any water that wasn’t boiled. We have so much compared to other places in the world, we should save what we have, not make our world dirty.