Every Monday I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
This week, Nicole shares how a difficult situation in her childhood inspired her to live with less.
Nicole writes:
It was late in high school that my mom started calling me “Simplicity.” I had decided to get rid of almost everything I owned. I kept things I felt had use – bed, dresser and clothes. I also kept my photos and music – things I felt had meaning to me. My choice to minimize was a reaction to my childhood and the court battle my parents were currently going through. My parents had separated when I was five. The following year my mom went to work in Mexico while my dad lived at the hotel he worked at. My brother and I stayed with a nanny in our house in another city. An upsetting event occurred that lead to us eventually moving to Mexico with our mother. My mom felt guilty about the separation and all that had happened and from then on would buy us things to make up for all that had happened. It was through things and food that she tried to fill up our pain. She eventually became sick with agoraphobia and panic attacks and was plagued with depression until very recently (I’m now 35) and her use of things and food to fill the void we had from her mental health issues and anger and my dad’s emotional lack continued.
At the time of the court battle, I didn’t fully understand my mother’s need to get adequate child support from my father who made a very good living and didn’t pay what he should – to the point that the support barely covered food. What I saw at the time was my mother’s desire to have the lifestyle and material goods that my dad had and my dad’s need to hang on to his money as much as he could. While both of them were so wrapped up in being angry at each other, my brother and I were suffering emotionally. Getting rid of everything was my way of stating that money and things were not what mattered and what did was the suffering we were going through. I was beginning to understand that all the “things” and food that had been thrown at us over the years never made up for the lack of emotional stability and attention.
Since this time, I’ve had a roller coaster ride with minimalism that has generally reflected some part of my journey of self-discovery. It hit one extreme when I felt I couldn’t live on the land because it belonged to First Nations people and I couldn’t even built a raft to live on the ocean because I would be taking their wood. It hit another extreme when I wanted to own every movie and album that I liked because I felt it would be a way to help define and represent myself. I’ve now come to a balance I’m happy with and this has coincided with me gaining a better understanding with my feelings about my childhood. I don’t have guilt about what I own, but I do try to think carefully about what I buy and bring into my home. I very rarely buy books and when I do, they are usually ones I want to take my time with, write notes in and come back to. Otherwise I use the library. I love plants, so I do have some. I love colour and a warm and cozy home, so I do have color on my walls, pictures on the wall and some meaningful trinkets, but I consider carefully before I buy anything. My closet is not as minimal as some, but definitely much much less than most.
For me, my simple and minimal life is linked to my understanding that the emotional trauma I went through as a child and teenager and the after affects will never be resolved by owning more and owning bigger, in fact it just makes it worse. Living simply with less allows me the space to heal and deal with my emotions. Things also don’t encourage me to get out into the world and do things that will help me grow and move forward. I know my mom was doing the best she knew how to by filling us up with things. I don’t write this in blame or anger, it’s more as a cautionary tale for parents that all that really matters to a child after basic material needs are met is love and support in the form of emotional stability and presence.
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
As a parent, I thank you for taking the time out to write this. You are absolutely correct. :)
Best of luck on your continuing journey, Nicole.
“..all that really matters to a child after basic material needs are met is love and support in the form of emotional stability and presence.”
Fascinating story. Thanks for sharing.
Study after study has shown that after our basic needs for survival and security are met, material goods and riches do not bring lasting happiness.
Dan @ ZenPresence
You are so right. You went through difficult times but gained deep understanding in the process. All the best to you, Nicole.
I want to thank you for sharing your story. You have great courage, and I wish you all good things in life.
What a powerful story. Thank you for sharing, Nicole.
Nicole, you are very wise and wonderful. You wrote, “Living simply with less allows me the space to heal and deal with my emotions.” I SO agree with that statement. Having suffered, survived and emerged victorious through unimaginable childhood horrors, I feel the same way. Space is healing. Clutter makes me feel claustrophobic. Bless you as you continue to grow and live in beauty and peace.
Couldn’t have said it better, Ahsha. There’s enough inner “clutter” without the outer, and to deal with the inner, I need the space and simplicity in my home. So brave and beautiful, Nicole! Thank you for sharing your story.
What a moving story Nicole. Simplicity is a nice nickname to have! :)
I read a book recently.
“Why be happy when you could be normal”.
The author, too, had a difficult (more than average) childhood and she became so funny and witty. Maybe some of you would like it too.
Her name is Jeannette Winterson. A fascinating writer. Well worth a read.
Thanks so much for sharing, Nicole! I liked how you said, “Things also don’t encourage me to get out into the world and do things that will help me grow and move forward.” It reminds me of Miss M’s post about how things can sometimes build walls around us, keeping us apart from the world.
I don’t see those same walls here in Paraguay (I’m a Peace Corps Volunteer) as kids are running out in the streets playing soccer and make-believe together. There aren’t the same “walls” separating families and keeping people in their own houses.
You indirectly bring up an excellent point. It is widely accepted that service to others can help directly heal trauma. I suppose it has something to do with focusing our attention outside of ourselves and having a spirit of gratefulness in return.
Such a painful story but with an important message. Thank you for your honesty. I admire the way you have accepted the behaviour of your parents. You sound like you have now found the perfect balance in terms of your possessions. Be happy xo
Wise words, beautifully written. Your journey sounds like a good process of healing. Clutter is claustrophobic it wraps you and and stops you breathing. As a mother I am trying to remember the mantra less is more.
Thank you for sharing your story.
In hindsight I realise my parents did a similar thing…
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s a great lesson in how our relationship with things can be a metaphor for much deeper concerns.
I think you have got to the point. Nothing can’t buy love and feelings… and I think we should all appreciate much more our relationships than all the things we can be surrounded by.
Thank you.
Nicole, your story left me in tears because it so closely parallels my own. You could simply have changed Mexico to Minnesota and I would have been reading my own tale. Thanks so much for sharing.
Amazing story, thanks for sharing it. I too had an upbringing where I had all the things I needed, but a little less of the love and affection. Parents do the best they can, but I have learned from them. XX
Sweet Apple Lifestyle
I have a child and your story is very interesting to me. Because of your experience, you realize what is truly important, so in a backwards way your mother taught you the value in life. I also think all of us for the most part have gone through the extremes in both ways, from consumerism to minimalism. This is all part of our discovery process in finding out who we are. It is awesome that you were able to find balance in your material life so easily, as well as mentally realizing what is important.
MarieG LifeSimplyBalanced.com
What an incredibly inspiring story! What happened was quite a sad story but it’s amazing how you turned that mess into a such a lesson to learn from :)
My childhood is somewhat similar to yours. My parents have been fighting for divorce for over 10 years. Both of my parents are well off, but they still constantly argue about who should be paying school tuition and food. When I was 10 years old, I asked my dad for 20 bucks so I could get food after going to cram school. He threw the money on the table and with a sarcastic tone he said,”You only talk to me when you want money.” I was hurt, still am, and always will be. I moved away from Taiwan to Canada when I was 15, am 20 now, living in a complete independent life on my own. Upon till I began supporting myself, I would always be stressed about spending money. Rather, I just didn’t spend money at all. My mom is so well off, she’d buy my sister and I pretty things, pretty things we didn’t need at all. But because she is always absent in our lives, she was doing the best she could – feeding us material things. Somehow I was never into this idea, so I didn’t ask for anything, on the other hand, my now 27 year-old sister turned into a shopaholic (even though she still denies it). She is now working in the fashion industry; hence there are more “reasons” for her to purchase clothing and accessories so she can look up-to-date along with the latest trend. She keeps buying without a conscious mind, and my mom let her do so because she does the same thing to herself. My mom likes to satisfy her inner self with buying too; it is the quickest solution for her. She’s got money and the stores got things waiting to be taken home.
I live in a bachelor now in Toronto. It takes half (or even less) a regular size closet to hold all my clothing and shoes. Living in a minimalism lifestyle is the only way for me to see myself and where I stand in my life. And the less I have, it’ll be easier for my soul to soar. Free myself from materialism so I can let go all the hurtful things that have happened the first 15 years of my life.
When I read the last sentence of your article, my tears fell down right away. It is the absolute truth of this universe. My family will never understand this until they de-attached themselves from buying all these things they don’t need. All we need is love. One love.
Can relate, had parents and a life with similar issues. My father and I never really related much based on similar dynamics. Keeping up with the Jones’ didnt mean anything to me while living in the mountains but after their divorce our move with mom to the city life changed that. Excessive crud and fashion was the marker of ‘happenin’ people as defined in that area, our family unfortunately had few adults willing to step up and say anything different. After going through the crazy years and eventually into sobriety, there was a rediscovery of the earlier simple years, and getting rid of all the junk and related memories was a real plus in getting back on track. At this point I could be truly happy in a trailer park in the hills with others on the same path. ah well, a dream for the future.
My parents never got us what we wanted or needed but what they didn’t get as children during the Depression. Then we were punished for not being appreciative enough. I got rid of all my childhood belongings many years ago. I do remember never having warm blankets or a warm coat when I was growing up. It took me many years of therapy to believe I am a good person.
My mother has a warped belief in what makes a person worthwhile. At 89, she can still hurt people with the things she says. Luckily, my children are very secure and very aware they are loved so they mostly laugh as do their cousins at the odd value judgments she puts on things.
My daughter has taken medicine for depression for many years. She has been suffering a lot lately. We had dinner together and she said her psychiatrist told her she came from good parents who were strong and supportive. Whenever we visit we bring craft materials for all the patients. If we can’t visit we make sure another family member or two go visit instead. It is important to realize mental illness is like physical illness —not a character flaw, but something chemically wrong– otherwise medicine wouldn’t help.