Every Monday I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
Today, we have a thought-provoking contribution from J., who wonders: what to do after decluttering? A decluttered life is like the empty cup I talk about in my book—full of potential, but with what do you fill it? Please share with J. what you did with your newfound space (both physical and mental).
J. writes:
Dump the STUFF and then what?
This story begins as most of these do. I was a young woman. I spent 2 years in the Army and needed very little. The Army not only told me what I needed, they made sure I had it, and life was peaceful.
Then, as life unfolds in the usual way, I got married and began to create a home. This is where the “stuff” begins. We were young and had not much money, so we happily ‘made do’ with what we had, thinking we were rich! As time goes by, over time, well you know…a house bursting at the seams with “stuff”.
Forty years later, I am sitting (alone) in a house with a lifetime of “stuff” and I think…”time to do something else”. So I did. Sold one house and moved that stuff into this one. Then I began selling a LOT of the stuff…gave away some of the stuff, and threw out some stuff. I am now down to about 20% of the original stuff. It is more than enough, and currently I am having a hard time deciding which stuff still has to go, as I want to dump at least 25% more.
During this time of ‘lightening the load’ I found Miss Minimalist, and jumped on board to not only purge a LOT more of the household stuff, but also the clothing. (I couldn’t face the clothing until the wall to wall furniture was thinned out). The clothing is now down by 75%, and you know what? I can’t really even remember what is missing! Sometimes I think, “now, where is that red belt” kind of thoughts. I look at the belt rack (with only 4 left) and know it is gone…and happily choose one of those instead.
Sounds perfect, so far, doesn’t it?
During this time, I also paid off a HUGE credit card debt. So, I have minimalized the debt as well.
Here is the situation: I lost my job, and have little income, but I can get by on it as my house is paid for. Apparently people over 60 are unemployable.
Here is my issue: With my debt paid off, and my ‘stuff’ reduced, I wonder. “Where am I?”
I don’t want to go spending money and get in debt again…but I sort of have nothing to do. I am sort of looking for my ‘prize’ that I guess I thought was there, at the end of the accomplishment!
I have a Kindle, and sometimes read books, but after a while, I get bored. Most of my friends have either died or moved away. I have no family. I joined a MEETUP group to meet some people, and I didn’t really have a good time, plus I had to pay for a meal. I gave it up after 4-5 tries.
Where I live it is either too hot or too cold most of the time, to go out. I have seen all of the museums and local attractions so many times, I could give the tours…so tired of that. I am a different nationality than most of the people here, so we have little in common. They are friendly enough, but they do not want to be ‘good friends’.
I tried volunteering at a couple groups, but found that gas money and having to buy lunch out somewhere, plus they want the volunteers to also give them money…made me feel like a chump. It was like having a job and not get paid for it, but they still have the same expectations. I can’t work at a job that costs me money to do it, that makes no sense. I think volunteering is not for me.
I spend time with my little dog. We took some classes and go almost every day to the park, but there must be more to life than that.
Most of the time, I am surfing the web and I have over 2 million points at Khan Academy.
I don’t mean to whine, but I really am at a loss of what to do.
So many readers here are joyfully telling of life at the end of the rainbow. I would like to find that too. I would love some suggestions! Is anyone else in this same situation??
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
Yes, I am wondering the same thing! I am going through a similar process. All my children are now in school. My plan for this year is to get the house to a point where I am about 90% happy with it. That is keeping me very busy with decluttering cleaning and decorating (not very minimalist I know but I have long come to the realization that my soul NEEDS to be surrounded by beauty). All the while I can’t help thinking ‘what’s next?’ What will I actually DO in my perfect house… I am hoping that will become apparent as the year progresses.
Dear J.,
I do not write you because I have some kind of solution to offer you but I can say that I understand you very well. I am in a total different kind of life situation (small kids, job etc….) and I am never bored. I have always been quite frugal and minimal so no big decluttering process has taken place. But I understand you because me too, I wonder, and so what? I live with the ongoing fantasy that if I am able to declutter a bit more my life will be perfect, whole etc… And deep down, I know that it is not true.
Sometimes minimalim is sold to us as a kind of answer to all life challenges (not on Miss Miniamlist blog however) but it is merely a mean to an end. I believe it contributes greatly to make room and to free energy for what is important. But it does not help us to find what that is, everyone has still to find it. And probably it is different for each one of us. What minimalism does for us is to remove most of the distractions that we have created in order to escape lifes big questions.
Most people do not want to be confronted with these big questions and the possible emptiness that follow when answers are difficult to find. Therefore, most of us tend to fill up our lives with stuff, comittments etc… Even decluttering can be used in that way I believe. So if we are at the point where we do ask the right question, that’s already progress, isn’t it?
Good luck in the search dear J.! I am sure both you and me are on the right path!
Can you knit or crochet or sew? There are groups that take items hand-made, even groups that send them overseas to needy kids, etc. Because of health concerns, I can’t “go and do” anymore, but I can make my time at home profitable in the sense that I’m helping someone else by what I make. Project Linus is one group I often donate a blanket to. It gives me something to do at my own pace in my own time, and in the end warms a child or teenager in a tough situation. People give me odds and ends of yarn so there’s really no expense – I keep it all in one designated cupboard and use it up before it gets overwhelming. You can learn to do almost anything from the internet or maybe you could find someone to teach you a craft. Thrift stores often have yarn or fabric as well. You sound a little depressed or “let down.” I found that looking outward and doing something for others in my own way helped me through that sort of thing and still does. Hang in there!
I am also in the decluttering process and planning to move across country in the next 2-3 years. My ideal is to rid myself of 75% of the stuff I currently have. The big things like furniture will be the first to go. The smaller things like knick-knacks, cds, dvds, and clothes will go to either ebay, friends, or Salvation Army donations. The last to go will be my fabric. I have really enjoyed sewing and quilting over the years, so I plan to hold onto the fabric and continue making quilts for charity. I am currently working on starting a Project Linus chapter in my area, and I also make quilts to donate to returning veterans. I find this gives my life such a strong sense of purpose and clarity. My work/career is also something that I find meaningful, so I am doubly blessed.
I can offer no solution, but I do have a suggestion that may spark something: who were you when you were 10 or 11 years old?
Thinking about that has given me back a sense of creativity and of my authentic self, what I loved to be or do then and what got drowned in many years of other things being so “important”…
Great answer!!
Now you have to share what you have learnt on your minimalism path :-) whether it is writing a book, blogging, organizing your own minimalist meet up group, helping your neighbours…
J., it is interesting that you post this dilemma. While my situation is not yours exactly, I too, have asked the question, “so what now?” I think minimalism is, to some degree, like a lot of self help trends, has some powerful aspects but it is not a panacea for all that is “not right” in our life. I cannot offer a solution but I can give you two suggestions:
1) Re-think volunteering with this in mind – there are two types of “volunteers” those who can give with their money and those who can give with their time. If there is an organization close to you (accessible by walking or public transportation) that speaks to a passion or concern then interview them and make it clear that you can only give of your time. If they are worth their salt they will accept that. Then just be firm in your position.
2) Try making a list of things that have brought you pleasure or piqued your interest throughout your life – do any of those past activities bring you some joy that you might want to re-live or modify to your current situation? Check your local papers for activities that might interest you or be a conduit for discovering a new interest.
Just a couple of suggestions that may or may not work for you. Beyond that you may want to do some self-exploration in terms of what you want to feel – I would suggest checking out Danielle LaPorte’s “Desire Map” (http://www.daniellelaporte.com/thedesiremap/#&slider1=3). That’s what I’ve been doing. Again, not a cure-all but it has helped me get some clarity on my motivations. Best of luck on this journey.
Leesa-
I, too, have worked with the Desire Map and it is wonderful. I have followed Danielle and her work for a long time and I think it really applies here. Her simple question is “How do you want to feel?” Once you answer that question, then you can take steps to do things that will create that feeling. We so often lead with the action- like working on minimalism, but don’t think about how we want to feel first. We simply hope our actions- buying stuff, getting rid of stuff, etc. will lead to the feelings we want. I have found that connecting with how much I want to feel liberated has made minimalism a natural extension of that feeling. Perhaps if you know how you want to feel, you can find community and volunteer options that serve that feeling? Perhaps the first one you chose simply doesn’t match. Many wishes for happiness for you as you move forward.
Although my life journey has taken a different path, I can relate to what you mean. I am around your age. I went through a divorce and friends changed for various reasons. Over the past few years my small immediate family died. Previously I had left a well paying and very stressful job. All this has given me lots of time. Decluttering – I never liked a lot of stuff but nevertheless I managed to accumulate a lot. I’ve been decluttering what I do have, giving away most, throwing out the rest. Volunteering – I’ve had quite a few bad encounters in this area. Volunteering IS like an unpaid job with all the territorialism that goes with it. After some years and tries, I finally found something for a few hours per week which fits and which I enjoy. Most importantly I’ve been reevaluating my life and what’s important to me and that is my faith in God. I find that contemplating my relationship with Him, going on walks and seeing His creation and connecting with my faith has given me an inner strength and peace that I didn’t have before. I used to get bored easily and dreaded it. I find that now I enjoy life more with all its beauty and challenges.
I think you have accomplished a lot in your life. You are strong, resourceful and resilient. May you continue!
Hi J.
My Mother in law is 75 or so, she is lucky having family to worry about, help out with kids sometimes and lend money to. She also loves to read, goes through about 5 books a week. Stays up to date with whats going on in the world. She has plans, wants to write a book, paint again, make prints, declutter, go through photos and scan them. I think the main thing is she has plans on what she wants to do before she dies. A lot of her friends have died and she has just had surgery for breast cancer, that has made a big change in her motivation.
My Mum is 62, and is a hoarder (both are hoarders!) she works 2 days a week, lives alone with 2 cats, doesn’t have any (close) friends, I am her only family, I moved half way across the world from her. I haven’t seen her in 5 years but we speak on the phone. She is saving up to visit, she has plans of moving house. But I really don’t know how she manages, my Dad passed away when I was 13, that was hard on her. I am sad when I think about her being alone, but she is fine, her personality is optimistic and again, she has plans. Going though the house is what she does all week, moving stuff around, making piles, trying to clean. I once said to her, ‘Would you miss this stuff if there was a fire?’ and she said, ‘No.. but what would I do all day’.
Truly you have to find something that you are passionate about, something new, old or whatever, don’t worry about finding friends, maybe you will maybe not (I am not the person for advise about friends!).
I’m not sure how that can help, as I am 26 with a daughter and lots I want to do, I am a bit like you though, I have no (close..) friends, I in fact dread when there is a social event.
Coming to the end of decluttering my stuff.. I am kind of getting weird about it now, finding myself hating furniture, my husbands stuff and even my daughter’s stuff… I believe it is the same as an eating disorder I “got over” when I was younger. It is about control, control I don’t have over much else. But I can at least control what stuff is here, mostly. I too wonder what it would be like, being in a barren house, with the little things I want, what then. Well I will just get on with what I want to do, I make videos for youtube, I teach people origami (sounds sad I know). I want to make new friends now that we aren’t moving. Luckily having a husband and daughter means there will always be things to declutter and organise. Hmm
I hope you find your motivation!
Hi J, I read your story and it resonated. It’s the question that haunts so many of us … what now? I think so many people find joy at the end of decluttering because it gives them time and space to do the things they love. When we’re not clear on what we love doing, it can be really challenging. Now you’ve decluttered so much, have you considered travelling? Whether it’s around the country or the world? Sometimes travel can give us a great new perspective and inspire our passion for what we love again. Keep trying to forge friendships, one or two will stick and it makes the world of difference. I skype my best friend every week and it sets me up for the rest of the week. Wishing you the best of luck finding your joy. Right now every time I feel overwhelming sadness, boredom etc I stop, drop and meditate. I’ve found that very useful to ease the intensity of the feelings. Best of luck,xxx
Fiona:
Great answer. I love the Lord Jesus and find Him to be the answer to all of life’s quandaries. However, I have wondered what I will fill my time with once I’m no longer a slave to my stuff. You’re right, unless we know what our interests are and what we love, minimizing for the sake of it is not enough and we can be left wondering what next? like this sweet woman has written about.
Dear J,
I so enjoyed your post, and I wish I knew you! You seem like my kind of person. Now I will think of you in your decluttered life and wish you good things. I too am a woman over 60, but married, happy in all respects, and wondering what to be when I grow up. I sense such a gold mine of opportunity in you based on all you have accomplished. I would agree with the previous comments about evaluating past interests, but i think maybe you have been there, done that? The aging thing is a huge stumbling block for me, and i struggle with myself more than circumstances. I am almost opposite, working (at something I still love) but afraid to stop and face myself. I wish you fulfillment and deep friendships.
Dear J., Your honesty is refreshing. It sounds like you have ‘de-cluttered’ (voluntarily and perhaps involuntarily through circumstance/age,etc.)to the point of exposing what is and what is not working in your life now. I’m your age and can well relate to some of the experiences you describe. It sounds to me like the time is ripe for an inward, spiritual exploration. For me, when the world has lost it’s flavor and doors are closed or not worth opening, something deep inside is beckoning. May you find deep satisfaction and joy!
Hello J
I think you’re doing really well cutting down your stuff. Having a lot of stuff around wouldn’t help you find things to do unless you wanted to spend all your time cleaning and dusting.
I’ve not got rid of stuff, my idea is more on not accumulating any more of it. I did get rid of thousands of books to charity shops and now have a kindle, but mainly I just try and keep purchases to a minimum.
Just wondering what kind of meet up group you went to. I found the meet up groups by accident, looking for a walking group that would allow dogs. I found a dog walking group and have been out with them. It’s good for the dogs to socialize too. Also there are other groups for walkers that do allow dogs, if you like walking. Maybe there are groups like that where you are or you could start one up and see if other people were interested. You don’t need lots of people as too many dogs can get a bit out of hand.
I know that people who have retired can have a hard time to find a job again but surely it’s not impossible.
I’m a firm believer that you get what you think you’ll get. You have to imagine yourself in a happy situation and think more about that.
If I had time on my hands I imagine myself doing yoga and other such pursuits either at home or in a class or both.
My suggestion would be photography. With nothing more than a smartphone, you could join the worldwide photo community. Wherever you live in the world, there’s always going to interesting subjects to photograph. A simple sunset for example.
After decluttering, I took the approach of minimal possessions, MAXIMUM life experiences. Don’t give up on trying to meet new people and finding common ground. It sounds like you are making an effort but it’s not quite paid off yet. Keep trying to put yourself out there. I once had a professor in college who told us to not be afraid to make a new start no matter where you are in life. She had her husband run out on her when she was in her 30s and she was brave enough to start over and marry again in her 50s. Don’t know if this helps, but best of luck!
How about exploring your spiritual needs?
I know of an international religious group that has local volunteers who will come to your home and study the Bible with you free of charge.
You can check them out at http://www.jw.org
I second Kaity above me – I think in your situation a good thing would be to try some meditation (maybe find a place where they teach it nearby?) and get your mind refreshed as well. To explore yourself now that you’re free of the outside crap, to find out what is inside you that you could give to world and what is exciting you, what seems like something that you’d love to try to do. You could start a blog about these things, writing about your journey and about stuff you’re finding out on the way, you could go after your budget list if you have anything like that – stuff that you’ve always wanted to do but never had time or the freedom to do it. Since I decluttered, I’m never bored. I always have creative or pleasant things to do – go out, meditate, take pictures, write, read blog posts, sleep/nap, play with cats or get more into the cleaning, tidying and organizing when I’m in the mood. Find out what you really want to do and then do it. A meditation, yoga or I don’t know, painting course could also provide you with some new people, new contacts. It’s really hard to meet people just on the street I’d say. Courses and lessons of anything could help out.
Keep looking for opportunities to volunteer until you if done that suits you. True joy comes in building relationships and helping people. Are you involved with religion? I find that brings peace and joy into my life and I have a instant group of people to love, serve and the understanding of why we are here on earth.
Are there things you have always wanted to do? You could always list your home on airb&b and host people who come through needing a place to stay. You can meet people and earn a little money as well. Keep trying new things until you find what you want. If you like to crochet or knit, sell stuff on itsy. Make cookies and take them to the fire station. Get to know your neighbors. Have potlucks and invite people over and maybe you will find someone you connect with. Join a book group at the library. There are places in our town where older groups of people hang out together like Mac Donald’s or the local coffee place. Go to your local coffee places and buy the cheapest thing you can and just hang out there. Maybe you will run into a future walking buddy while you are out walking your dog.
Organizing benefits for people with life threatening illnesses; sometimes just donating time and maybe lending your cooking skills is all you need. Not every volunteer job requires you to give funds. We have a benefit coming up for a coworkers daughter with stage 4 lymphoma, and the locals are organizing a poker run and fundraiser for her.
Also, many floral shops, plant nurseries, and daycares are open to hiring people older than 60. Libraries are also good places to look, as are newspapers. You could even try finding an online job. Some sites offer you money for taking pictures; I saw something on GMA last week about an app for that; if I can find it, I will comment again.
If you have a green thumb, lots of people are willing to pay others to help with their flower beds. For people like me who don’t want to pay a fortune to landscapers, I would definitely pay someone to help me start up and maintain a flower bed. It’s a great way to earn trust and build friendships as well.
Organize a group via some online site (craigslist, but always meet in a public place); you mentioned you do read. Have monthly selections and discussions on different books.
Once you find a safe network of friends, organize weekly pot lucks or outing or whatever interests you.
I hope this helps!!
Our real purpose in life is to be spiritually connected, whether you do that through metaphysics or religion. When you do this, it’ll lead you to want you’ve been searching for. You can study various spiritual practices online, through books, attend (free) events, etc. I have found life to become much more fulfilling and have more meaning, despite not having anything close to the typical life most people have. Life doesn’t need to be this endless search for things, people, activities to make it work.
J – did you enjoy the decluttering process? Is that something you might like to help someone else do? You could try with one person and se if was something you liked and go from there.
My first thought reading your comment is that you may be depressed. It sounds like you have gone through a lot recently and been disappointed by your efforts at trying to find something to fill your time. Getting rid of our excess baggage doesn’t always help if we don’t figure out why it got there in the first place. Your comment reminds me of King Solomon in Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless. What is worth anything? I can relate to some degree. I’ve been getting rid of the excess “stuff” in my life and finding that the friendships I thought were real weren’t and I don’t have much family around other than my husband and kids (which I know is more than a lot of people have). I am grateful for what I have but it’s not what I always thought it would be. Getting rid of stuff helps get rid of distractions but if there is nothing else to fill you, you will feel empty still. What fills me is Jesus. I know people talk about “spirituality” and “religion” but I’m just talking about Jesus. As someone above mentioned, we were created for relationships, but not just any relationship. We were created for relationship with Jesus. And just like King Solomon finds, you can be surrounded by all of the most precious things of this world but without HIM, you have nothing. Jesus is always present to talk to. His word (the bible) always has something to say. He loves you unconditionally, no matter what, and will never leave you. He gives us meaning and purpose. I would find a pastor to talk to. Attend a local church. You will also likely find great volunteer opportunities there, perhaps visiting other people who have no one else who does so. Or helping in a soup kitchen. Don’t give up trying to find the answer of “what now” but I wouldn’t look for it in any particular activity but instead look for it in a person, Jesus, who loves you very much and would be so happy to have you turn to him. He can help you find the rest.
This is a comment on Liz’ post: I’m so glad you told the unvarnished truth! I wanted to “just talk about Jesus”, but frankly worried my comment would not be posted. Bless you, Francine, for not censoring people. I love what you wrote, Liz, and I sincerely hope J. feels as inspired by it as I am. Thank you!
Start a small dog-walking service, plant a garden, volunteer. Serve others through an organization -thrift shop, soup kitchen or Red Cross. Doing for others is always fulfilling and a good way to connect with people.
I think you might try to learn something new – try something that intrigues you, that is a challenge somehow. That could be anything from taking up playing music or singing, theatre, dancing, doing some crafts (there are other things than knitting, too! Maybe wood carving or pottery is more to your taste?), volunteer in something that brings you forward instead of just sucking your energy – maybe you could help in a scientific project of some kind, a museum or in some intercultural organisation – there are many many small projects out there that are not only rewarding, but genuinely interesting. A garden, a language course with some connected travelling to a place you always wanted to see – or even a move, if you don’t feel that well in the place you’re at at the moment.
It seems you feel a sense of emptiness and of being tired of one-sided giving – so I think, trying to fill that space with new skills, new ideas and new thoughts might be a good way to go.
You can try working out.
Dearest J. You said where you live most people have a nationality different from yours. Would you consider selling your house and getting something smaller (hopefully getting some extra money) in an area/country where you’d feel more amongst likeminded people?
big hug
I appreciate this honest and atypical essay. And I really like all the thoughtful postings in reply. I’m in the same age group, and while my decluttering is far from finished, this has definitely given me food for thought.
My father-in-law is around your age. Currently, he is retired and is recovering from a heart attack. His plans include: getting exercise and learning and trying out new recipes for his new diet. He also plans on returning to school at the end of this month to study theology. When he is ready, he will return to singing in his local church choir and volunteering at the food bank. He is also a religious man and spends time in prayer, reading, and meditation.
I have spent the better part of the morning thinking about your post. I admire you tremendously for decluttering. I think there are many 60- and 70-something women who have a lot of time and might also be a bit lonely. There are also a lot of people looking for work who have extra time these days. You are not the only one in the spot you describe.
For what it’s worth, here are some things that might help you…
I do think your home environment should delight you; I know you have limited resources, but if you can afford a can of paint for the inside of your house and a packet of seeds for a flowerpot outside, you are in good shape. What’s your favorite color? Find something you love and get to work. Painting is a nice meditative task which might give you insight into what’s next for you. Also, a change in your day-to-day environment might spark some fresh energy. Once your place is painted, you might want to start asking one person over for a cup of coffee or tea each week. That person doesn’t have to be your best friend, just someone who is available. If you make it a different person each week, you will cast a wide net of potential friends. Coffee and tea are pretty affordable even if you’re not working so it’s a good start.
Finally, I think it is important to find your passion. If time, money, geography, and qualification were no obstacle, what would you do? What speaks to you on a visceral level? Once you give yourself permission to imagine anything, you’ll probably find your fire. I wish you luck, good health, a strong imagination and the drive to find your passion.
Hi J. Wow. So many people saw into your heart and are willing to help you. I like the idea of seeing a doctor for depression–just to be sure, and maybe to get some temporary medication that might give you a boost. I also second the idea of going out into nature by joining a walking group. Being in nature can often connect us to our spiritual side and help us feel grateful. Writing a list every morning of what we are grateful for can oftentimes change our entire perspective. How are you doing physically? I turned 60 last year too. I was fine with it until a friend of mine told me, “It’s the beginning of old age.” That really got to me and began to depress me. Finally, I said: “Enough! I will not be done in by that depressing statement!” I found Francine’s books and read them and decluttered. Then I read the 80-10-10 book by Dr. Douglas Graham and lost weight and worked out. So, let that be your next step too–to get in top shape! Life sure changes when we’re grateful and when we’re at our goal weight and feeling fit and fabulous. Then it’s time to work on some skills…things that bring us joy, and maybe things that help us bring joy to others. We can never be happy without some relationship in our lives. I suggest going somewhere, a temple, a meditation center, a church, an ashram, parks and gardens, beaches or mountains, anywhere you like where you can meet like-minded minds. College was my church for a long time where I took many religious studies classes and learned about the holocaust. There was a woman in her 60’s who got her PhD in psychology and opened an office and made a ton of money. The world is ripe, we just have to walk out our door. As you have seen by the replies to your post, there are many who have expressed that they feel the same as you, and they wish they knew you. This means there are probably people all around you who feel the same. Go out and find them. Good luck!
HI J..
I think alot too will depend on your energy level, comfort level and where you live. There are a lot of good suggestions in the comments above. Spring and summer free concerts in parks, at Christmas, free parades, music events, church services. Many people need help with their pets when they go on vacation, be it fish, cats, birds, dogs; post a sign in a public place, grocery stores, libraries, coffee shops often have public message boards or try Craigslist (meet in a public place to keep your safety until you establish a relationship). I have a dog myself and meet a lot of people out walking, or a the park. If you have a dog park specifically, thats even better, its even easier to strike up a conversation, especially if you start to go at the same time of day and see the same folks. We all love to talk about our dogs! Offer to help out a new mom with childcare; read or just hang out with a child so she can run errands or rest or take a shower. Bake cookies or put together small baskets with fruit or toiletries (think travel sizes or that free toothbrush from your dentist) to take to shelters, retirement homes, fire departments. Maybe a neighbor needs a little help in the yard if you like gardening. When you go on a walk, take a nature book from the library or pencil & pad and try to draw or identify plants or birds you encounter. I live in a small suburb and the town paper often has lists of things going on. Rotary clubs, maybe theres a town meeting that has topic you feel strongly about you can go to, we have free historical walks in the woods, requests for volunteers to plant trees or remove invasive plants. I’ve found a lot of minimalist blogs and frugal blogs have lists of things to do for free; just by searching Google you finds ideas for anything. Friendships start with just a small thing in common and build, you’ll get there. Now that you have cleared out is the time for self discovery.
I did not read all of the replies to your posting, so if someone has already suggested this I am sorry to duplicate. Is their a senior center near you? In my area you are welcome to join this group if you are over 55, also at a minimal amount of $10.00 for yearly dues. And alot of classes are offered, also for a minimal amount. I hope this is an option for you, as this group has been a life saver for me. Although this hard winter has kept me housebound more than usual, and I have been lonely a few times. My best wishes
If you like kids, perhaps you could offer to be an “extra grandparent” to a neighborhood family, perhaps help out a single parent or a family who doesn’t have relatives in the area. You just might find a “family” in the process.
I will be 60 years old this year and recently quit my job in order to spend more time doing Genealogy/Family History! I highly recommend it! I am a volunteer at the local FamilySearch Library, helping others find their family. Once you delve in, you find there is so much that can be done such as, research, writing family and personal histories, creating a family blog, collecting and sharing family photos and stories. I wake up excited every day to what’s ahead. At the Library I am surrounded with like-minded people who volunteer and also patrons that come in the door wanting our help. We are a community library and open to anyone.
It’s so rewarding and fulfilling – I can hardly get enough!
I have always adhered to the principals of minimalism, although I put a name to it when I started reading Miss Minimalist and other blogs a few years ago. I’ve spent a good share of my life decorating and fretting over my house. I’ve learned there is no such thing as a perfect house. I adhere now to the ‘good enough’ principle. I was only frustrated when focusing on what I could do next to make it better, such as purchasing a large section and dining room set, thinking I would be so happy. They were new and expensive. After months and months of agonizing over the “perfect purchase” – I regretted my purchase almost immediately. I vowed to never spend that kind of energy for something so unfulfilling again. I won’t even touch on the amount of energy (and paint samples) I wasted on what color to paint a room, then another room, then another. Never again. White works just fine for me.
I choose to spend my life doing things that make a difference and are worthwhile to others. Family History does that for me and I’m happier than ever before! Every person deserves to be remembered and I aim to do just that!
Wow, this was an important post to read, thank you for writing it. I am still busy and working full time and have family, but I can completely see myself in the same position a few years from now. Everyone’s answers have been so creative and helpful.
I have read your story and have to agree with others that depression may be a cause of your worries. I am 63 and plan on retiring in two years. I also plan on working part time so there may be something you can find part time to keep you busy and earn a little money.
I know there are plenty of volunteer opportunities in my area. Did you check with your local library or hospital? My stepsister volunteers and no one asks her for money. Maybe the museums you like to visit use volunteers. I know the ones in our area do.
How about a hobby which does not cost much money? If you like to read, how about a book club. Our local library has one. Our library also has free movies. Do you have room to garden? Seeds and potting soil do not cost much. Vegetables would be a good choice to cut down on your food bill. I like to knit and crochet. Yarn and needles are fairly inexpensive and you can find those at thrift stores. Does your area have a senior center? Our area has several and they offer free classes. If you are over 60 some colleges allow you to sit in on classes for free or reduced rate.
You have accomplished so much with changing your life. Look at all you have done and then take the time to think about what you have the time for now. Take your time to make decisions. Research the possibilities. What is most important is your attitude. Stretch yourself and don’t be afraid to try something new.
Good Luck!
What an honest and important post this is! It is always good to have a range of people and life stages represented in minimalism, decluttering, etc. I have not read through all of the comments, but what I immediately thought of to ask is, do you ever think, is there a “Someday I’d like to—-” or “I wish I would have tried—“? It is never too late. Never. By that I mean, while continuing through my own minimalist path with family and kids, etc. I reached a point where I still wanted a fulfilling hobby, interest, pursuit, whatever you want to call it. I do like to quilt, sew, knit, etc. but I wanted that hobby to NOT involve collecting a bunch of stuff, buying things online, chasing the new products that come out every season, or stockpiling “stash” for a someday project. My motto (mantra?) became: Cultivate a hobby that does not involve THINGS. Maybe one thing, but not a neverending stream of supplies. Focus on experiences. I got into a regular yoga practice (just me + a mat), and picked up the flute for the first time in twenty years (just me + a flute + some sheet music). I can meet new people through these interests, practice music or yoga without spending hardly any extra money. To work on this idea of making music, I also go to listen to music performances when I can. Not all performances come with big concert hall ticket prices; many are free or less than $20. I have found that having one common thread with people (music, fitness, photography, etc.) can really help to form friendships.
Hi J, the university near me offers classes free for those over 65. Maybe a university near you has something similar?
Hi, j.
First I want to say that you don’t exactly sound depressed to me, but that it’s worth getting checked out. But if you’re not in a major depression please take my advice and don’t go on medication. Those things can seriously fuck up a healthy brain.
It sounds like you just are at a loss for what kind of life you’d like to build. You’re staying entertained with books, but this eventually is unsatisfying. You can’t get a job and don’t need one. You don’t know a lot of people right now (which can really suck).
What you need to do (and I know this is hard) is see this as an experimental time. You’ve identified some things you don’t want in life, hence the decluttering. Now is the time to try other things in a purely experimental way. Try an art form. Try volunteering (and then don’t feel bad if it’s not for you–but If it is, it can be a great way to connect with people). Try writing. You don’t have a lot of money but drawing and writing can be cheap. If you want more social things, is there any political or activist issue that you care about? There is probably a group that’s doing something with it.
This time is like being a teenager again, with all the ups and downs (but fewer hormonal crashes). You’re trying to learn who you are. You’re bored with what you’ve got now. So you have to just try stuff. And be gentle and reasonable about what things didn’t work for you.
I’m near your age also, and have recognized myself as a minimalist since the age of 12. I also realized that I was a spiritual seeker at an early age. That searching has pretty much been the main focus of my life, and at times the levels of frustration felt torturous. In high school I read a lot about Quakers, attended Quaker Meeting, and wrote a research paper about them. In my forties I connected with Tibetan Buddhist teachings and was a formal student of a Tibetan teacher for more than a decade.
Twenty years ago I reconnected with Quakers, and now serve on a number of committees at the local and multi-state level. Since we don’t have a pastor or minister, we all pitch in to make it happen. For the first time in my life I can offer my whole heart and focus without hesitation or reservation. Best of all, since Quakers identify as seekers themselves, I will always “fit in,” no matter what directions my reading, listening, and musings take me.”
This has simplified my own life a great deal. As an introvert, I am not looking for social activities or volunteer jobs. My sense is that you may be an introvert too. Since most Quakers seem to be introverts, we are a community who understand one another.
I remember a song from the past, “Is This All There Is?” It reminds me of Betty Friedan’s book, “The Feminine Mystique” as well. That seems to be your question. I wish you well as you continue your search for your own authentic answer/s.
How interesting – I have recently been looking into Quaker philosophy, as it has popped up over the years in my life. To my surprise, i found that quite a few “minimalist” sayings are by well-known Quaker figures. Iam finding it most thought-provoking, although I am not a religious person; a lot seems very’right’.
If you think you’re depressed, then ok, go forth and seek help with all blessings.
But if the armchair psychiatrists here are upsetting you, just keep this in mind: you admit to being lonely, bored, frustrated with your lack of options, perhaps tired or disappointed with things that didn’t pan out the way you hoped. That’s NOT depression, that’s normal. You sound like every single older person I have aided who lacks an active social network. That practical reality isn’t clinical or something you can fix with pills, and being lonely and bored and frustrated and getting the blues surfing the web isn’t depression – it’s a normal reaction to feeling isolated and excluded.
We Americans, at least, are not a culture that values age, and we reduce our elders (and especially our truly elderly!) to the ranks of insignificance, preferring to sweep them off to same-age communities where no one might ever see them without deliberately planning to. I find this to be an utter disgrace and deeply disrespectful, but I am knowingly in the minority. This pushing-to-the-side that occurs is one of the big things that makes aging so painful for some people. The only remedy I have ever seen work is involvement and interaction with people.
Things I have seen “seniors” (55+) and elders (say, 80+) do that works: adopt (through church, elementary schools, senior center programs, or acquaintance) a younger family and act as an emergency babysitter/grandparent. Actively reach out to those you know already (the vet, the mailman, etc) and brave putting yourself out there, moving from polite talk to real talk one little question at a time. Ask people how their families are doing, and remember the next time you see them. Tell the everyday people you meet that you appreciate them – often – and see if anything blooms from that.
Rent a room to an older graduate student, or one who comes with references about being quiet and well-behaved, someone who wants to pay a bit, study a lot, and maybe trade you a couple chores for a meal now and then. If there’s a local college, contact the student life people and ask if they have international students, and invite them to come over once a month for a potluck dinner – a cultural meet-and greet, and you’re only out one or two dishes, plus you meet interesting people that might well be missing having a home environment. Find something you can teach and post offers of lessons – knitting and canning are trendy right now, but music and tutoring are old standbys.
In the end, though, focusing on what you do have, and being grateful for it, is what will keep you from bitterness. Keep faith that things do change, one way or another – but they DO change.
CountryMouse – you seem like you’ve got your head on straight :)
LAYLA thank you, I think you may be right, I will take your advice to heart, you are a gem:)
Love all these posts so helpful:)
Thank you Layla.
Touche!
It sounds as if you’ve had a fascinating life – why not sit down and write a memoir? I really feel that everyone’s life is unique and interesting and deserves to be told. You can write it the old-fashioned way with (gasp!) pen and paper or on the computer. Either way, you will be able to revisit your life and see the patterns that have made you who you are and brought you to this point in your life. I am doing this now, and although I live a pretty quiet and uneventful (OK, OK, sorta boring) life I am enjoying writing down how I got to where I am today. I hope this works for you!
If you’re not worried about money, maybe start your own business like a bakery or something. If I don’t get a job this year I’m going to look more seriously into starting my own business (and maybe your age puts you at a disadvantage with job hunting, but so does not being sales-y and manipulative, so don’t feel too bad!)
I am 45 years old and I am already feeling some of the “boredom” of everyday life and routine, I started the unloading process last year. Here is my 2 cents, i believe acceptance and embracing boredom is a process we need to go through. That it is okay to have simple days alone with just me, myself and I. Sometimes I go to the mall , coffee on hand and watch people. Not to sound like a weirdo or anything. Have you tried support groups? I know for a fact that if in some future time I get so lonely being alone, heck i would seriously consider going to an AA group just because. I promise to keep my mouth shut and listen. Guarantee, I will walk out of there feeling grateful, but non judgemental.
Flor,
You sound like a lot of fun! I would love to spend an afternoon with you:) Your post made me smile, talking about sipping coffee while mall-watching and attending AA meetings “just because.” Sometimes people just need/crave that human connection, so your example is not as outrageous as you might think:)
I work in mental health, doing therapy groups with adults, and I can truly say that at the end of the day, I really feel like my own personal problems and concerns are literally NOTHING compared to the issues faced by my patients/clients. I am a very open-minded and non-judgmental person by nature, so this field is a natural fit for me. But seeing others’ daily struggles and resilience has enhanced my sense of gratitude and continually humbles me. People can and do survive through some terrible things in life, and many even thrive in spite of what they have overcome. I think that J. will also find her way in life. I wish all the best for J. on her journey! (you too, Flor!)
Hi J,
I am in a younger age bracket but hitting the same “what on earth do I do now?” wall. I also volunteer, but I help teach math to adults returning to school to earn their GED. It’s very nice because 90% of them really, really want to be there, and mostly they are from other countries, and it’s cool to hear their stories and watch them learn and get excited about understanding things. No one expects the volunteers to donate money!! The regular teacher showers us with praise and even gives us a nice Christmas gift (mm, chocolate!) I am lucky in that it is walking distance to my house, so it’s totally free for me.
I also teach a class (for money) at a local university for the experience, which is teaching me even more.
Here there are adult education programs that you can take for a small fee, or teach – if you are from a different country, perhaps you can teach a culture class, or cooking class, or your native language.
When I stack enough of these little things together, it does help my mood and get me to a happier state.
Good luck.
I didn’t read all of the comments, so please ignore me if this has already been suggested. Have you considered a part-time job? Is there a business close to you that you enjoy walking through? Someplace where the employees seem cheerful? You could earn a little spending cash and maybe make some new friends. Plus, many stores provide a discount to employees. Best of luck to you. There are many great suggestions above. Hopefully with time you’ll find the right path. :)
I really agree with what Country Mouse said too, that you’re likely not suffering from depression, just normal life ups and downs; we all have them from time to time, right?
I’m a middle school librarian and I have 4 adult volunteers that come in each week to help me. I’m so darned grateful to these women for what they do that I love ’em like sisters. Two of them repair books each week after I taught them how. One prepares new books that come into the library and the last just pops in to help shelve books and assists with twice annual book fairs. Nothing complicated, but they have time to offer, they do a nice job, and I’m thrilled beyond measure to have help anytime and any way I can get it as my volunteers keep my program afloat!
I hope you’ll try a volunteer activity again even though one situation made you feel like a chump. If at first you don’t succeed, well you might just end up meeting someone like me who would be thrilled with your help and greet you with a smile and coffee anytime you showed up!
Best of luck in your pursuit of happiness!
Great post! My mom volunteers at a library and they treat her like a queen:) One of my friends has a mother in law who volunteers doing some sort of bookkeeping at a local hospital. She is in her 80s and quite spry. The woman basically volunteers the hours of a fulltime job and is highly valued by the employees. The hospital president even sent a car to pick her up one day when she was unable to drive to the hospital for her volunteer hours. She loves it there, but she also enjoys the freedom of being able to take off a week or so anytime she wants, in order to travel, visit family, or attend graduations, weddings, etc. Nice life:)
Hi J.! I suggest you exercise and eat well, just those two things will help you feel much better. My Mom retired at about 71 years old. Up until that time she used to exercise 6 days a week. After she retired she exercised for about a year but then quit because of a knee problem that is much better now. Then about a year ago both of us went to a gym for 3 months and then quit. Just today we went back to exercise. I can tell you her exercising made all the difference in the world. Since she hasn’t exercised for the past few years I’ve noticed a decline in her posture, she walks slower, and is not as agile as before, also her health is not as good as before. Hopefully we’ll stick to an exercise regimen this time and she’ll improve. And, you don’t have to join a gym, you can just walk for 30 minutes 5 times a week and enjoy nature, that doesn’t cost anything and nature will also make you feel better. Of course not having a job affected her too. She said she looked forward to work and about what she would wear, and her friends at work. Besides exercising and eating right I would suggest you go to a church. But this one is tricky, even in the same denomination you’ll find churches you like and churches you don’t. So go to a few and see which one you like better, which one connects you to God and where people practice what they preach. I’m sure you can join one of their groups and meet people. Exercising and church will fill up some of your time and will help you physically and spiritually. Hopefully you’ll write back and let us know how you are doing.
God bless you!
I really loved how honest and real you were about where you’re at. I can relate in some ways and maybe people above have said what i’m about to say. Some suggestions: finding something to look forward to. Perhaps it will take a while to find what that is but the journey to discover it can be fun too. There can be book club meetings (stimulate your mind, meet people, no cost hopefully), language exchange via internet, or learn a new language, tutoring (can bring income), start an at home business (i’m trying this as well), keep reaching out to people, create a meet up that involves no money like a walking group or [____]. Tap into the joy and excitement when you do something you like and let that guide you to what’s next. It also helps to not overthink it either. I drive myself crazy doing that. Allow things to be as they are and accept it while searching and eager for something better! :) Best wishes to you!
We originally start hoarding / eating junk / drinking / shooting heroin to fill up the Big Hole or just to get us through the day.
And when we kick the habit (well done us) the Big Gaping Hole is still there and has to be dealt with.
J.’s post and all our reactions are just so important.
Raw strength and courage to all of us and thank you Miss Minimalist for providing us with a way to learn from each other.
I guess the same could be said after reaching any goal – and now what? There are many lucky people for whom one goal just naturally follows another, and they just keep going. However, there are at least as many who reach a certain age or goal, and then they are stuck. Some goals can be dead ends, too.
From my experience – being needed helps a lot. And at least some exercise, and eating right. Try to learn a language, so you can travel, see places, meet other people or keep learning other languages. Or learn a skill, internet is brimming with all kind of “how to”. Or join coursera.org. Or volunteer. Just don’t sit at home, go where the other people are, this really helps.
And reread these comments again. Do you see how many people are already there for you?