My daughter Plumblossom is nearly 2.5 years old now, and has had almost no exposure to advertising or marketing. We don’t have a television, we stay out of the mall, and most of her little friends aren’t verbal enough to inquire why she doesn’t have the latest Disney princess paraphernalia.
Grocery shopping with her is a breeze—she’ll ask for a star fruit or a bell pepper or an avocado, but never balloons, toys, or candy. I can even make a run into Target, that mecca of toddler tantrums, without her requesting a single thing (instead, she informed me that “there’s too much stuff in here.” LOL—that’s my girl.)
Although she’s been verbally capable of it for a while, she’s never asked me for a consumer item—until yesterday. We were reading a book about colors, and she pointed to the Lego Duplos in one of the pictures—“Mommy, what are those blocks called?” “Those are Legos, sweetie.” I went to turn the page, but she stopped me: “I want some Legos.”
Well, color me surprised. I wasn’t sure how to respond. The only thing I could think to say was “Why?” She looked at me blankly. “What are you going to do with them?” I pressed. She considered it for a moment, then said with a big smile, “Build towers!”
Pretty good answer, I thought. And one could conceivably argue that for a toddler, Duplos are not just a want, but a need; they certainly contribute to the development of fine motor skills and an understanding of spatial relationships. And yes, they’re fun.
I told her “Ok, we’ll talk to Daddy about it”—mainly because I wanted to stall, and see if it was just a short-lived whim. But sure enough, come dinnertime, those bright little bricks were still on her mind. Furthermore, she was smart enough to try a more charming approach: “Daddy, I would like some Legos, please.”
Suffice it to say, daddies can’t resist sweet requests from their little girls, or the excuse to play with Legos again—so Plumblossom’s wish will be fulfilled. But her entree into the world of “I want” got me thinking about the “I wants” in our own (adult) lives. How carefully do we consider our desires and the reasons behind them? If we stopped for a moment—instead of rushing to fulfill them—we’d likely avoid the bulk of our clutter.
This simple experience with a toddler (who’s at the very start of her consumer—or I hope, minsumer—life) can give us some good tips for dealing with our own “I wants”:
1. Ask “Why?” Whether it’s a new pair of shoes or a bigger house, can you come up with a good reason for acquiring such an item? Something better than “because it’s there,” “because it’s pretty,” or “because so-and-so has one?”
2. Is it a need? Will it contribute positively to your life, or your development as a person? (Will it help you “build towers?”)
3. Impose a waiting period. Give it a day, a week, or a month (depending on the significance of the purchase), and see if you still want it. This strategy is immensely helpful in curbing impulse purchases, as you’ll likely forget about 99 percent of those shiny new whatsits if you don’t act immediately.
As a first-time parent, I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by indulging my daughter’s request. I feel like I should wait until a special occasion, but her birthday and Christmas are 7 months away. I also don’t want to save it as a “reward” for something, because I hate to tie good behavior to material items. My inclination is to give it to her without fanfare, simply because she had a good reason to ask for it.
I have to admit, I miss the days when Plumblossom was perfectly content with what she had—before she realized there’s other stuff out there to want. I’d love to hear from more experienced parents—how did/do you keep from sliding down that slippery slope of kiddie consumerism? And for those without little ones, how do you keep your own “I wants” at bay?
I look forward to your comments and advice!
(And yes, before anyone asks, she really does speak that well–sometimes I think I’m talking to a 12-year-old, not a 2-year-old. She started talking at a very early age, and was using (short) sentences at 18 months old. Today she was on the phone with her grandfather, who’s coming to a barbecue at our house this weekend. As they were hanging up, she told him, “See you Saturday. Bring the wine.” :) )
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
i love this post! i am not a parent and i suffer with separating wants from needs so i do not have advice. i do love that plum blossom is so social; “bring the wine” is such a great way to end a conversation about a future dinner that i cannot help but have a big smile and think how well adjusted she is at 2.5 years old! great job!!
I am not a parent myself, but my Mother raised my brother and I herself on a very small income. When my brother was the only child, he got a great deal of everything he wanted and saw on television. However, whenever I came along and money wasn’t as free flowing, I definitely didn’t get as much as I had wanted. It didn’t stop the temper tantrums, but now that I’ve grown up, I realize that she did me a favor. Whenever I was old enough to earn an allowance, and then worked jobs, if there was something I wanted, she would bargain with me. If it were a small purchase, whenever I saved enough money to buy it, she would take me to get it. With larger purchases, like my first car, she bargained that if I saved up enough for car insurance, she would purchase my first car (which was only $300. I somehow feel like she made out on this deal!) By working with me on saving for the things I wanted, I’ve learned that the waiting period is a good thing. I’ve often begun saving for things to find that I no longer wanted the item before I even had saved the total amount. But, in the end, whenever I’ve saved for a really long time and finally get that thing that has a purpose in my life, I feel much better about my decision and more accomplished that I could accomplish my goals without upsetting my financial well being and by practicing one in, one out, not over cluttering my closet in the process.
I don’t think my children asked for things because they had so much, unfortunately. If PB is asking for something it suggests she’s identified something that she needs. I don’t think toddlers need many toys but Lego would be on my minimalist list of under-five toys for its creative and fine motor skills development opportunities. Dads love Lego too so enjoy the break while the two of them play!
I like this post, especially the part about “building towers”. I grew up with less than the average middle-class kid (less stuff; not less love) and even today I’ll think back fondly of the LEGO collection my brother and I shared. It was way better than any other toy; no racing car, Barbie doll or furry stuffed animal came close in comparison to the magic blocks where you got to shape your own world. Oh the number of spaceships, boats, houses, trolls and abstract je-ne-sais-quois we built from the colourful stuff! It’s what made me use my imagination and develop more independence compared to those other kids who had every toy under the sun; and I’m thankful for it. So maybe all “wants” aren’t so bad; especially when they let you build a spaceship (or a tower!).
I enjoyed playing with my daughter and her Lego blocks so much my family started buying me blocks for presents. Thirty plus years later I still have photos of some of our creations. Best toy in the world!
Hi there-
I am a mother of 2 (I have 13 and 10 year old) and I think Legos are a great toy–and not one worth holding off on. It definitely encourages creativity and imagination (think of the buildings, airplanes and boats she can build). Legos last a life time, are gender-neutral, have a great resell value (perhaps you should have tried a toy consignment store first?) and is easy to share during playdates (unlike a doll).
I appreciate your minimal lifestyle but hope you are open to having “stuff” for PB. Turning a page of a much beloved picture book, cuddling up to a stuffie, and playing with an old fashioned play phone (Fisher and Price) provides so much joy for kids. Yes, kids can color on an iPad, but crayons are so much friednly! Texture, smell, stacking, balancing, exploring–all this happens naturally with toys. (yes, you can do this w/pots and pans…but let a kid be a kid!)
I have had friends w/children living in stark homes and going there for playdates was a complete bore. I felt the kids were deprived of being children. The parents were concerned about having nothing around and being clean and orderly (no mess!). Kids thrive on color and shapes—it doesn’t have to be a smorgasboard of stuff, but having that one heirloom doll and a ball is just dull.
Remember–stuff can always be donated once the thrill is over. I believe don’t sweat “indulging” your child every once in a while (use your best judment). Childhood is quick—believe me! Indulge them while you can (within reason of course!) Let your kid play w/toys WITH you—sooner than later, all they will want to do is hang out w/their friends and text. While you can build, sculpt, finger paint, and play dress up w/them I say do it. Be concerned about making wonderful memories first.
Best of luck-
Melanie
And there is one more question which has always bothered me – how far can we go while rising our kids? When is that moment when we start making them living our own lives, not theirs, the way we want them to be, not the way they are? Where is that thin line?
And one more thing – later the child will get what he/she thinks he/she lacks anyway, whether you want it or not. There are lots of women at 40 who wear princess pink and tiaras, because they haven’t been able to go through that period during their childhood. And so many men buy train models for their children, only to play with them themselves. And lots and lots of grownup people still have their teddy bears.
I myself have a tiny doll in the drawer of my desk. I bought it when I was about 30, and it was just like the one my neighbor friend had when we were four years old. My mother won’t let me have a doll like that, she said I didn’t need it, she didn’t see any reason children should have toys like that. Probably I didn’t, but at that time it was very important to me, and I was ready to pinch sweets from home for my neighbor friend just to have five minutes to play with it. So now I have the tiny doll in my desk drawer. So many years too late, pitiful in a way, but still.
Children absolutely don’t have to have heaps of toys, and they don’t have to have everything they ask for. But they also shouldn’t go without being kids. Just my five cents.
AMEN. Thank you for responding because I have observed the same thing in many adults, oftentimes leading to addiction with food, shopping, gambling, etc.
Francine, my daughter played with legos, but my son did not. In fact, my daughter’s favorite Christmas gift each year was a roller coaster building set by K’nex. Do you know how BIG those boxes are and what a bear it is to store them? (We kept them because she liked to rebuild them.) At an early age, she could read the forty-page instruction manual all by herself. As a result, we have a wonderful collection of pictures with her standing by her creations always wearing a giant smile. So, I say YES to any toy that requires use of the hands as a learning tool. : )
Yes indeed, you are right – I have bought items (which I shall not own up to ;)) which I was denied as a child. Looking back now, I think – what did it matter? I have to get rid of the stuff now – I’m no longer interested after having enjoyed the stuff for a while.
But it mattered to me for a long time.
My mum made me give away the old radio my granddad owned and I’ve missed it ever since. I also vividly remember a red plastic teapot she thew away. I think parents need to involve their children when pruning the kid’s possessions. And I think I need to grow up and let go ;)
This is really interesting and it gets harder as the kids get older I think (I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old). I really like your instinct to avoid linking good behaviour and material rewards, I think it starts habits that are hard to break, and agree just introducing the Lego as something for anyone in the house to play with sounds like a good approach. We love Lego too, and the variety of play you get with it (though I don’t like that it’s becoming more and more gendered and brand linked to films etc, basic bricks are hard to find now!).I read somewhere that there are enough Lego bricks in the world for everyone to have 3000 each!!! Sounds crazy but makes me think about buying second hand if we want to expand our collection. Finally, I love this inspiring blog about a Mum who has managed 18 months without buying any commercial kid focused stuff – http://www.freeourkids.co.uk
I agree — Legos are a fantastic toy, and the whole family can play together. I wouldn’t wait for a special time to introduce some if Plumblossom has shown such interest. Just buy a basic bucket and dump it out on the floor soon.
My girls are now 25 and 22, and I have kept a giant bucket of Legos that they played with until their early teens (the bucket holds pieces from many kits that were purchased over several years). Someday I may have a grandchild, and my husband and I will sit on the floor and play Legos again. I have also watched with dismay as Legos become more gender specific and brand linked. What a way to ruin one of the most open-ended toys out there. Look hard for the basic sets.
First of all, thank you for your writing! I have read (most) of your website and am working my way through a library copy of your book! My life is becoming more streamlined by the day thanks to you!
I just wanted to offer a suggestion. I know you have resisted plastic toys for Plumblossom. I just googled, and there is a wooden alternative to legos (and they are even compatible with the original). Not brightly colored, but I expect they would work a treat for building towers! I have no connection to the manufacturer – just a desire to minimize plastic consumables:)
Yes, CA, the fact that they’re plastic is what really gave me pause–and probably why we didn’t already own them (she has a nice variety of wooden toys). Interesting to know there’s a wooden alternative…though I suspect DH and I would be spending many hours painting those little buggers to meet with PB’s approval. ;-)
As a parent of two university-aged children, I can say that you are doing it exactly right. My kids never had the “gimmes” because they didn’t watch TV (and no Internet), because we never bought them things on impulse at the store, and because we (almost) only ever bought them things for their birthdays and Christmas (and even then not much). However, I do consider Legos (and books!!!) to be absolute essentials for child rearing.
You might want to browse montesorri sites – they have a great ethos with regard to toys and learning.
Great post! I raised 2 kids and they had plenty of toys, but I have to say that the Lego’s were the best! My husband and I had many happy moments to ourselves behind closed doors thank to Lego’s! ;) Definitely agree with getting them second hand if you can. We bought a big bag of Duplo Lego’s for our son when he was about Plumblossom’s age and they lasted for many years through both kids and hours and hours of play. (And I have to say that my son was just as hilariously verbal from the get-go as well. Once when he was about 3, we were sitting having lunch together and he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and a smile and said “Lauran, where is your husband?” Cracked me up. He never called me Lauran before or since — which is good.)
It sounds like you did everything right. These are a great open ended toy, and I can attest that they will be used endlessly. I am a mama to 5, and those are on the list of most played with toys around here.
I think it’s okay to get her a gift “just because” and not for a special occasion, or as some kind of reward. Legos are a good, creative toy.
“I can even make a run into Target, that mecca of toddler tantrums, without her requesting a single thing (instead, she informed me that “there’s too much stuff in here.” LOL—that’s my girl.)” First of all, bravo! I’m not a parent, but I say that that is parent done right! I imagine if I ever have a child of my own, I’d want the same reaction. Second, I’d be glad she wants legos and not Barbies.
You can get Basic Bricks from the Lego website, duplo.lego.com. There is a list of products at http://www.lego.com/en-us/duplo/products.
Thanks, Gaby! Unfortunately, though, if you click through their Basic Bricks shopping link, it says “Retired product.” I’ve found the same thing on other sites–the basic sets seem to be discontinued. As Zoe mentioned above, the available sets are themed or branded, with a variety of other plastic figures and bits. So disappointing! It seems secondhand is the way to go…
We were able to order 2 boxes of basic Lego for our grandson via a premiums program – perhaps there is something like that where you are? He is nearly 6 and so far has only played with one boxfu – endlesslyl. I guess when his sister joins him, they will enjoy having a bit more to share ;)
@Francine: readily available on Amazon (UK site)!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/LEGO-6177-Basic-Bricks-Deluxe/dp/B000T6XNS6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401271159&sr=8-1&keywords=lego
Just basic, multicoloured bricks. No branding.
First of all, I think you are doing a great job! Maybe extent the waiting period a little longer to see if she still wants it (and give her something she really likes, when she’s the least expecting it, makes it even more fun for the both of you!) I was talking to my boyfriend the other week about this. We don’t even have kids yet, but I told him I really wanted to use a minimalist approach when it comes to toys. Not just some bunch of plastic toys, but beautiful wooden ones. He agreed, but the first thing he said was: Okay, but they will get my Lego. And I think he is right. It really improves a lot of skills and it uses their imagination. Although it is plastic, you wouldn’t get the same results with wooden Lego? They are great for other skills. Besides that, I think there’s a big difference between a plastic toy like Lego or a plastic toy like some kind of no-imagination-needed one, where kids will lose their interest in. And just because she will get some Lego, doesn’t mean you can’t control amount of it right?;)
There are plenty of eco toys made from wood or recycled materials which use similar motor skills as Lego, if you can’t find anything second hand.
When I grew up we didn’t have many toys, but I did have a few dolls, we had marbles, balls and other outdoor toys, and we had lego. My brother and I played with lego until we were 14/15 I think. My kids had a lot more toys (all gifted by their grandparents and other relatives), mostly plastic junk. big, bigger, biggest and bright colors seemed to be the only criterium. Ugly as hell, the whole living room felt like a play room where we as adults were mere guests, but fortunately most of the cheap plastic toys broke soon anyway.
We bought them lego. And they played with lego a lot. We threw out most of the plastic junk toys as soon as possible. My oldest is 19 now, and when I pull out the lego box for a visiting child he’ll still play with lego!
DON’T OVERTHINK THIS! If she is interested in building things, expose her to Legos. Should this be a passing fancy, the Legos can disappear.
By the way, some time back you wrote “The Minimalist Toybox” which has 162 comments now. Many of your questions already answered in those comments :)
FYI: The basic Lego set can be found on both the Lego site and sites like amazon. You have to search for Lego bucket or Lego creative set. This will direct you to a large set of just Lego bricks (no branding or themes) in different shapes and sizes. I am the parent of a very creative Lego builder and a large number of bricks will easily be used in many different projects. Don’t be alarmed by a set of 500-600 bricks (which fit into a surprisingly small container).
Also, my kids are both teenagers now and we came to minimalism later in their childhood. The single most effective thing I did was to educate them about why I was choosing to downsize. Thinking out loud about my decisions and modeling how to reduce our possessions has been effective… and these were kids who were overwhelmed with material objects in their early years. This campaign to increase metacognition has also been effective with changing our diet to more organic and natural foods.
I have two teenage girls who both loved Legos when they were smaller, and still begged me to take them to the Lego Movie at ages 14 and 18. :) As they grew up, I was always amazed at their ability to make toys out of things like sticks, sand, boxes, and old dress-up clothes–all they needed was imagination. Still, all the plastic added up despite our own attempts to limit it. When my family went through a huge decluttering back in ’11, we gave away so many playthings that it actually made me physically ill at times: the trinkets the kids picked up through occasional fast food dinners, church summer Bible school, other kids’ birthday parties (who invented those crazy take-home treat bags for birthday party guests??, “rewards” at school, and gifts from well-meaning Grandmas. Having said that, I think as parents we have to be tuned in to what interests our kids. You can hardly go wrong with Legos. Just make sure they’re all picked up at night, because it’s a bear to step on one in the dark!
Lego’s provide many hours of fun but make sure you put them all away before bedtime. Stepping on them in the middle of the night really hurts!!
PB is a lucky little girl.
Betty
Duplos are a great toy for children under 5.Legos are way to small for and complesx for the younger set. If you are concerned about the environment consider purchasing as resale online or others. At two and a half most children have not had much exposure to peer pressure. Just wait until she starts school. I have a 21 year old and the pressure cooker didn’t really start until 5th grade.
As far as giving gifts without their being a special occasion, I’m a huge proponent of the just because I thought of you gift. However I do not like the concept of giving gifts because of holidays… I like to keep those gifts as dimple acknowledgements of the occasion.
Shopping with my 2.5 year old is delightful as well and for the same reasons. His main play is the outdoors and random household items. He has a few toys and he actually plays with them regularly. When he looses interest in a toy he is excited to put it in a bag for the ‘other kids’. I think he sees us fill our give-away bags regularly, and wants to participate in this grown up behavior. :)
I hear people say or imply that kids needs lots of toys to be ‘kids’, but I see that the kids with lots of ‘stuff’ are discontent.
I like to think that most of us humans already *are* minimalists, meaning we only *actually* use a minimal amount of things – the rest of the stuff is just in the way! Figuring out why the other stuff is there and removing it then is the definition of minimalism as we know it. ;) … Happy Mothering!
(From a minimalist mom who has big plastic legos and wrestles with it regularly… we do enjoy our towers!)
You’re doing right thing giving it pause and as lego is gender neutral and interacts not only physically with the child but also encourages role and imaginative play, I say go for it. Friends, family and neighbours or local thrift stores may have second-hand. It lasts ages and can easily be washed and passed on to someone else once it has had its day. My children love it, regardless of age or gender.
One thing, as a mother and only intended as a heads up, is that much of her lack of “I want” could be aspired in part to the fact she cannot yet communicate with her peers as well as she will in future years. Regardless of monitoring and minimalising exposure to ads, tv in general, avoiding toy stores and other places that sell nick nacks for the most part, the children once hitting school age go through an intense “I want” phase. Friends not just myself noticed this. Partially due to peer interaction and also because they’re forming an idea of who they are. Since they often don’t decide on what they eat or wear, toys seem to be a very direct way for them to experiment and explore with who they are, as a person, based on what they like to do and what toys they enjoy playing with. I’m only saying this from observing mine and friend’s kids playing – I have no research to back it up.
I thoroughly recommend household items being doubled as toys – chalk drawing on slabs or water painting the outside of the house with a paintbrush occupies them as readily as any outdoor toy, although balls are a firm favourite. Just as indoor drawing with crayons, threading large buttons or beads onto shoelaces (all of which can be purchased again at thrift stores, not necessarily the bright plastic version available at toy stores). Growing their own seeds in little containers (ice cream tubs and egg boxes can be re-used in this instance), library books and collecting leaves/pebbles/shells on travels to adorn a fairy den in garden or glue to some card (old cereal box), work well too. Clay or some kind of playdough, salt dough is popular too. I volunteered with nursery school children for a year (kindergarten or preschool in america) and all these were popular with children regardless of cultural background or gender. If it involves getting messy and using their hands it’s good!
I’ve followed your blog for a few years and think you’re doing really well. Having travelled and lived so lightly in the past, I imagine living in a house and becoming a parent has been more a dramatic change than someone that did not follow minimalism to that extent before having children. I think you’re responding really well to such a change and regardless of whether she follows in your footsteps or becomes a lover of collecting, you’re doing a great thing by considering any toy that encourages and nurtures development to be worth the money. Especially as their development milestones pass by so quickly! Toys can be re-gifted to relatives younger children or a thrift store.
Also, a little bit of all textures – wooden, card, fabric, even plastic, allows you the chance as she grows to explain how those things are made, where they come from and teach her useful information along the way as she is growing up.
Hope these suggestions helps and have fun building! I know we do :)
I love the idea of not having a lot of toys, but using a library like this one near my house:
http://toybraryaustin.com/
I can’t get us out of our entrenched “owning” habits, however.
If you check out the book “Simplicity Parenting” by Kim John Payne, they talk extensively about a child’s environment, including toys and books. There is also a good list of toys that you should consider and toys that you should definitely skip. The “quick list” is here:
http://www.simplicityparenting.com/time-to-tame-the-toys/
Great response, Lou! I too had an early and complex toddler talker, who ate no sweets, etc. etc. It’s been interesting to see what the joys and struggles have been around stuff, food, and control of her own life (she’s 16 now). I too pretty much abhorred plastic, but I didn’t want to be too much of a precious uber-Waldorf/minimalist/Nazi either…I remember being in a Steiner class once (and I do love SO much of what Waldorf does, especially for the very young – nature, lovely quality materials, etc.) where a first-time parent asked the teacher if it was OK to wear black tights around her toddler, since they were advocating dreamy pastels for young children. Meanwhile, another woman in the class was married to a man raised in rural Guatemala who had about ten siblings, was poor, worked hard on a farm as a child, and teaches his American kids to take care of the land, advocate for justice, have fun, and appreciate people and help them. I’m so glad he wasn’t in the room when Black Stocking Mom asked her question!
I offer the story as a reminder to relax. We all mess up our kids in SOME way even if we’re stellar parents – it’s just the human condition. We go too far one way, then not far enough next time. So there’s no perfect answer. We had colored wooden blocks of all sizes and shapes which were beautiful and worked great. Someone gave us Duplos as a gift and she mostly ignored them. If she had loved them, we would have kept them longer. Her passion was naming things and inventing complex family systems for them. Rocks, balloons, ants. I say give them a lot of nature, and art (try to buy good supplies if possible – she loved Prismacolor pencils because they were so creamy and brilliant), and beautiful picture books, and songs, and laughter. But eventually they want other stuff, and they have to sometimes get it, or they’ll end up rejecting the whole minimalist agenda for a while. And they may anyway! But if the path was solid and loving, they’ll most likely find their way back. We had some plastic, but never a whole lot – it’s just kind of ugly and bad for the earth, and I don’t find it appealing. One thing we did do that she loved. Twice a year, at her birthday and her half-birthday, we would go through her stuff and she’d decide what she didn’t need or want anymore. Then we’d put it in a wagon and trundle it to neighbor kids who were younger, to see if they could use it. If not, we gave it to a thrift shop. For whatever reason, nature or nurture or both, she has never liked shopping, and never spends her money, except for once on a nice camera.
Anyway, relax, don’t over think it, and sometimes just get her something she wants. She’ll learn as much from seeing how happy it makes or doesn’t make her as she will from being denied it.
I have to say that you are doing much better than I have ever done. I do watch a bit of TV and my daughter as well. I have to say the worst offenders are the grandparents and my husband. He can never say no to her no matter what it is and she always seems to want more.
I have to admit I have/had been letting her accumulation of books slide but, no more now that we are moving I am putting a kaibash on things and slowly getting rid of books and a few toys as well. I have also not been as strict on the whole one in one out rule but, again with moving this will change I hope.
Personally, I think Lego and similar products are such good toys for kids to have, opened ended and it encourages creativity. My MIL bought some for my 2.5yo daughter over a year ago, and it’s been added to twice since then. It’s also fantastic when older children are over, as they love it. I think it’s a good sign that your daughter was able to articulate why she wanted, and not just in a ‘it’s shiny’, or ‘because someone else has it’ way.
Plumblossom’s request for a toy is such a lovely, yet powerful expression of her development into the second stage of her psychosocial development. She is moving from learning basic trust and mistrust to the developing her own will and finding out if it is OK to be herself. From now on, until about age 4, she will learn her basic concept about autonomy v. shame and doubt. Naturally, this does not mean that the parents have to agree with all the toy, clothes and food choice the child makes, but discussing them and letting the little ones make some of their own choices will go far in develpoing their confidence and security in their own ability to live happily. :)
Since she’s at the age to need Duplos rather than the smaller sized Legos, I would definitely suggest either finding a set second-hand that you can then pass along to someone else when PB’s done with them, or buying some other building toy in the meantime.
It’s unfortunate that Legos are plastic, but I’d look at a good basic set of blocks as a great investment. Everyone loves Legos and they’re not the sort of thing that will just get thrown in the trash because they’ve lost their appeal.
I’m not sure what exactly I would do in your situation…personally I feel like Duplos have a very limited period of interest. Once a child is old enough to play with Legos, there are so many more things you can build that you just can’t with Duplos…you have to have a LOT of Duplos to build anything large.
Great post! And if it helps, I have tons of fond memories of me and my brothers around our Lego bin.
I don’t have children, but the two things that help me curb my own “I wants” are:
1. Impose a wait period
2. Calculate how many hours I would need to work to make the money to buy it. This puts the purchase in perspective; instead of “It costs X dollars” you are thinking “It costs X hours of my working time”.
Plumblossom has good taste. Lego is brilliant. My three children loved it and am sure it would be on their top three toys list. I only wish I had kept it for my grandson who will soon be building towers!
Oh, my, so excited you’re back!
We weren’t minimalists when we started our family; in fact, it was the stress of the onslaught of baby and toddler STUFF that pushed me on the path to minimalism!
Our babies/ toddlers never watched TV (not with adverts anyway – CBeebies rules!) so were utterly clueless about many, many things when they started school. Both my boys thought all their friends had “police stations” to play games on… (Playstations…)
My boys play computer games (don’t shoot me down, people) and are Lego fanatics. They rarely play with toys (age 8 and 9) but create world after world with Minecraft and Lego. By the time my eldest was 6, I’d got rid of all his toys – his room has books, comic annuals, a couple of jigsaws, a Science and Engineering drawer (little science experiment kits), enough Lego to build a real house of Lego and that’s pretty much it.
He was never much of a player with toys so the fact that computer games actually hold his attention and fire his imagination was a revelation and a relief for me. He used to line his cars up in colour or size order then look at me as if stay “What am I actually supposed to do with these?” He’s been building Lego since age 3, following the diagrams. Yeah, he’s got THAT kind of mind…
My second son still has many, many toys kicking around but only because he goes through phases of what I would call sentimentality. He rarely plays with them but when he wants them, he REALLY wants them and he REALLY plays with them! I would happily turf the ninja hamsters, the Angry Birds Jenga, the Star Wars figurines etc but he would be genuinely distressed. At the moment, we have the space, they’re stored in an orderly manner so I live with it (but rarely add to it these days!)
The girls are another matter and I have to fight constantly to stop their things getting out of control. My Little Pony, Monster High, Sylvanian families… It is a constant, constant battle.
Now that they are old enough to earn pocket money (drying dishes all week – £3, hanging up laundry – 50p, feeding chickens – 10p), I find the easiest way to curb their wants is to make them pay for them! You want a new App? Sure, that will be 69p…
Anyway, comment way too long as usual.
Duplo is fab. My daughter had a green plate that held 8×4 squares and she had 36 squares. At age 2, she would build cake, wall, tower, candle. Over and over and over… :-)
Karen
It is really great that you’re being so thoughtful about raising your child. Sometimes I worry about what it means to bring a little one into this consumer-crazed world, but you give me hope!
As for myself, I’ve been trying to institute a “reality check” before buying anything. Things as simple as napkins or kleenex I haven’t bought in years because I can use bath tissue or paper towels for the same thing. Finding this dual purpose for certain items has helped me reduce my shopping lists and clutter.
What a blessing you are giving her by limiting TV! I imagine her language skills will continue to be above and beyond her peers just by getting that extra interaction. They say that TV and other technologies do not enhance our children’s’ language skill development. A close friend has three kids at JR high/late grade school age and all have blown me away with their vocabularies and well formed thoughts! These kids see no TV while in their mother’s home (however do at their father’s) and when I complement her on how well spoken they are she simply says “I just talk to them”. I should note that I’m a speech-language pathologist, and was also raised with limited TV. I’m a believer in the intellect and creativity that children acquire with limited media input! Even if it is a hardship in the years when conformity with peers is a priority.
actually, what i’d like to know is, what IS a good response to “because it’s pretty”?
what worked for me was whenever a ‘can i have’ came up, i would say ‘i’ll put it on the list’. it takes away the onus of having to say no..no..no..no.. but also made my lovelies feel heard. they never went on and on about things, and were always pleased with whatever i chose to offer them at whatever time i felt it appropriate to do so. it was a sweet exchange between us, and by the time they were old enough to question whether there was actually ‘a list’, the groundwork for a non-consumer mindfulness had been established. p.s.. looove this community you have nurtured..many thanks..
“I’ll put it on the list.” What a good idea. You’re acknowledging your child’s wants, but not immediately giving in to them. If you really keep a list, it might be instructive to revisit it after a week or two, to see if she still wants the whatever (or even remembers asking for it). This would be a good way for her to learn about and control impulsiveness AND to learn about what may actually be important/valuable to her (the items she remembers wanting and still has a reason to want). Of course this works very well for grownups too. . . .
sorry for the double post..reading thru the responses reminded me of another way i had when the lovelies were smaller. when we would be in a store i would let them pick up one thing they fancied (i didn’t encourage it, but in responded to it) and they could enjoy it while in the store.. of course not anything that in order to do so would mean unpacking it, (however if they wanted to carry around a sealed box that was fine also :).. and when we got to the till we would hand it over to the cashier. they would have enjoyed something their little sweet hearts were taken with, but we didn’t add to what we took home. also it was only ever one thing, if their fancy shifted in the course of shopping they had to choose between the first or the second..or third..or.. it taught them valuable lessons in enjoyment in impermsanance, and also moderation. i adore seeing those values in my now much older lovelies!
love both of your suggestions and they’re VERY helpful – i feel for the situations that require more diplomacy on my side requires some verbiage that isn’t always at the forefront of my mind, if you know what i mean. thank you!
Hi,
children definitely need some toys for their development and happiness, and Lego is brilliant. The great thing is it can be passed onto someone else when you finish with it as it’s practically indestructable. Young kids may need something at a time that doesn’t coincide with a special occasion, and I think that’s fine. Their development doesn’t happen on a schedule!
My son played constantly with Lego and wooden building blocks for maybe nine years. I actually bought three sets of the big Plan Toys blocks and it was a fantastic investment.
My daughter had a doll’s house and played with it every day from age 2 to age 7, as well as enjoying the wooden blocks. Neither of the children had many toys, just quality ones that allowed them to use their imaginations.
As to requests in shops, when they were young I would say ‘I’ll write that on your wish list’ – that way they knew they were heard, but didn’t expect requests to be met until it was a special occasion. We never had tantrums at the shops. When they were old enough to earn pocket money, of course I allowed them to spend it, whilst encouraging some saving and some thoughts about the environment. Eventually you have to let go and let them make their own decisions, even if it’s a hideous plastic thing that will quickly break. This allows them to learn about disappointment and making a better decision next time.
Hope this is helpful :)
Madeleine
Exactly! That’s my motto lately: fewer quality toys that they will use for many years! My kids play a lot with a toy kitchen, dress up clothes, doll house, and an outdoor sandbox. I personally dislike Legos because my kids rarely built things with them. They liked throwing them and they always ended up on the floor, so I decided to donate them instead.
I have two kids, ages 7 and 3, and I really struggle with what stuff to buy. I do buy them toys and other stuff, and at times have bought too many. We have a playroom completely filled with stuff, but of course the kids rarely go in there. For me, I like to be sure they play A LOT because they are kids, so I try to get them to use all the different toys as much as possible. We cycle things in and out so the toys within their reach are always interesting and fresh (I haven’t seen this toy in months, omg i Must play now!!!).
One lesson I have been able to teach my 7 year old is to question whether the toy is really as cool as it looks on the box. Those Hot Wheels that look like they are blasting off the track with fire explosions? Really cheap plastic track that tips over and the cars fall off. Just teaching him to be more discriminating and to understand the marketing on the box has worked wonders.
I love the idea of giving it to her without making a fuss….they’re age appropriate, good for development, and 7 months would be an eternity to her. Why wait when she can get more use out of them now? She wouldn’t be harmed by not having them, but she will likely get a lot of joy out of them. It’s not the getting of the item, it’s the using it that she wants.
I am in no way a minimalist. I try to be a mindful consumer, but I do feel more at peace knowing I have a spare of this or that around (like kid’s clothes the next size up, so I’m ready for a growth spurt!). I do daycare in my home, so I have far more toys then my children need, but in some ways that is an advantage, they see very few toys as their own personal toys.
My 5 year old is on her way to knowing how to make wise purchases. She gets an allowance, so she knows she has to save if she wants something. She will look up toys on Youtube to check out the reviews, and will decide she doesn’t want something if it gets bad reviews. She’s learned that she shouldn’t waste he money on something very similar to something she already has. It’s been amazing and educational to watch her learn. We’ve sold a few not so wise purchases (or gifts), so she’s seen that you can only get some money back. We’ve also donated some things.
You and others have inspired me to declutter a lot of my life, and I will continue to do so, especially as my children age out of toys. Thank you.
I just came across your blog, and I am very intrigued!! I actually googled “how to organize without visible clutter.” It brought me to your entry about organizing clutter! I loved it! I have been purging tremendously over the past couple of years, yet, I still feel as though it’s not enough.
We live in a 1200 sq. ft. 3- bedroom house. My mom lives with us, and we have 4 kids. We are looking to buy a bigger house soon, mainly to have a couple of extra bedrooms. Still, I am finding the need to begin purging now. I don’t want a huge house either. I’m looking for a one-story with a huge yard, even if it is a fixer upper. I’m just so glad to have come across your blog! I’m striving to live simpler.
My kids never liked legos. Thomas the Tank Engine table train set was big with them. They had whatever they pretty much wanted and they never seemed to want all that much.
We bought my older son the big King Leo castle set when he was about four. The night he got it, he woke up, turned the light on in his closet and put the entire thing together. We found him the next morning asleep in his closet next to the finished castle…and he never touched the legos again.
Now he’s in medical school so I guess we didn’t ruin him.
Of all the toys my daughter has, duplos are among the best. She still plays with them at 7.(my favs are legos, playmobil and when she was smaller, plan toys and haba) When they are smaller, it’s much easier to control the quantity and quality of toys. It unfortunatly gets harder. We mostly but toys for holidays and greatly limit even that, yet toys still are a challenge. We try to give experience gifts ( like a trip to the amusement park instead of a birthday party).
And it’s not just toys, she seems to leave a trail where ever she goes of artwork, sticks, rocks, pine cones, saved boxes, saved tags and bits of paper, plastic junk toys from friends birthday party’s, things she finds, and love notes to her mum and da. It’s charming, but difficult to know what to do with all her rapidly accumulating treasures. You don’t have to be buying toys for kids to collect stuff. I am current looking at a giant cardboard amazon shipping box she dragged home from the neibors who where about to toss it on the curb. She and the girl next door colored it. I believe it’s suppose to be a sail boat.
The artwork is the easiest. I stick it plus school work in a magazine rack on the wall and when it’s full, I photograph the best and toss all of it when she’s not looking. The photos go on my computers picture screen saver.
Lately, she seems a bit sulky about the limits we have placed on her toys (we are trying to get to a place where we can make a major move and need to slim down everything). I think it’s better not to accumulate too many toys from the beginning then to take away what’s has accumulated. I think it is difficult to know where the best balance is.
I love that you share your experience with your daughter because I’m a first time parent to a daughter (she’s 4.5 months) and I’m finding that I am struggling with the “i wants” for both my girl and myself. I go through episodes of purging and I’m going through one right now where I am getting rid of things such as baby clothes with glitter on them (they get onto everything) and I’m about to part with a plethora of teething toys I just noticed is in accumulation here.
As a single parent I do find myself getting overwhelmed to satisfy my daughter’s every moment of need and am learning to pull back a bit and observe. By doing so I allow time to show me whether she really needs something such as a diaper change, food, attention, or even a nap versus picking her up to soothe every bit of boredom.
Right now I want a new bedding and have decided to save up for it. I’ve noticed recently I’ve indulged in purchasing little things like a $5 value meal or a beach towel or a set of beach toys and at the end of the day, I can easily spend well over $50 on things that truly aren’t a necessity. Internally I am struggling with my place of residence which is in a city full of shopping opportunities galore. I moved from an island that didn’t have so much lure ins and noticed I saved so much more money and spent more time in nature hiking and enjoying the beach. Since moving here I’ve spent so much money and hardly remember doing as much fun activities. So sad now that I think about it. It’s what brought me back to your site in fact. To get inspired to let go of even more things I think I need and to just enjoy life filled with experiences rather than a temporary fix to boredom and the “i wants”. Thank you!
I have a 4 year old. I think that children have a pretty good idea of what interests them. Our son doesn’t often ask for toys, but he gets more from family members and friends than we would ever give him. While he doesn’t watch TV or ask for much, we do ask him sometimes what he wants for his birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t usually know. However, since we spend a lot of time with friends that have a 9 year old boy, and they play together, our son begins to think everything the 9 year old has is cool. Our son was really into Angry Birds because of the toys this other boy had. However, when we brought him into Toys R Us (and you thought Target was bad), he was really still interested in the cars because that was his passion at the time. He started grabbing cars and moving them on the floor at 6 months old without anyone showing him what to do. Some things about the world interest our children, and I think it is a good idea to allow them to have things that spur their imagination and and help them learn and play with the world around them. He is now really into space and rockets.
I think the Montessori ideals of a careful, uncluttered selection of age appropriate toys is optimal. That means changing them, sometime regularly, especially when they are young. But I have my son choose toys to donate before his birthday or Christmas to other children. I like to give him the control over his selection of toys, and teach him the idea that we are blessing others and recycling when we give away toys and that we don’t hoard or need more and more stuff. Also, sometimes it’s fun for him to identify friends to whom he would like to give a specific toy. I think it inspires generosity and thoughtfulness for others as he picks out a toy for his friend from his collection.
Some toys are planned gifts with family members (as I know they will buy him something anyway). When he was 2, we got him a wooden train set and table. However, we didn’t go buy an expensive new set. Instead, we bought a very nice used one off of Craigslist. We did the same thing when we got his Legos (they have great resale value). We found someone selling a box of Legos for much cheaper than in the store. We got a variety of sets, and I feel that it is a much more sustainable way to live. It gets rid of the idea that new is the standard of a loving gift, and those plastic things will last through the next millennium if cared for properly, so it makes sense to pass them along when your child looses interest. At least Plum Blossom chose a toy that is very versatile and loved by 10 year olds (and adults) as much as 2 year olds.
Duplos -the big Legos are good. Cars and trucks are good. Just remember not to overdo it and buy a lot of toys used except maybe at special occasions. One of my grandsons thought a box of colored pencils was a wonderful gift. One of my own kids thought left over paper from my office was a wonderful gift, he wrote stories every afternoon.