In the past, I used to engage in big, glorious acts of decluttering—the type in which an entire closet is emptied and the contents scattered across the room, each item awaiting its fate. Sometimes I’d put on music, pour a glass of wine, and dance around my castoffs.
Ah, those were the days… If I tried that now, a pint-sized scavenger would be dragging whatever she could grab to far-flung corners of our home. And I’m sure a good amount would be adopted as new (albeit unconventional) playthings.
So now I declutter in stealth mode.
Instead of extravagant purging sessions, I pare down our possessions quietly, piece by piece. I keep a donation box in the closet, and as I run across things that no longer pull their weight, I add them in—sometimes sneaking them across the house, if need be. To be honest, most of the castoffs belong to my daughter Plumblossom—outgrown clothing, toys, and baby accoutrements—hence the need for secrecy. If she catches sight of a familiar item (no matter how long it’s been forgotten), it may get stuck in our house for months to come.
Which got me thinking…stealth decluttering can be an effective technique if you’re facing resistance from full-grown members of your household.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I don’t advocate tossing your spouse’s high school yearbooks or prized bottle cap collection (tempting as it may be). Ditto for the knitting stash and dusty sports gear. Sentimental and hobby items are sticky wickets, and messing with them can get you into trouble.
But if your partner is the type that will become hopelessly attached to the duplicate stapler the moment he/she lays eyes on it, I think you’re justified in making some executive decisions.
The best candidates for stealth decluttering:
• Broken stuff. Nobody can fault you for tossing something that doesn’t work—especially if it hasn’t worked in a long time. If there’s no motivation or intention to fix it, let it go; obviously, it hasn’t been that essential to the workings of your household.
• Mundane stuff. These are the things that can be replaced easily and inexpensively in the remote chance that they’re missed. Many of these items have a tendency to multiply—pens, mugs, Tupperware, etc. Nobody is likely to notice if a few cups are missing, or if you pare down the stash of takeout chopsticks—except that it might be easier to close those drawers and cabinets.
• Children’s stuff. Give your kids the gift of space by eliminating the outgrown, the unloved, and the non-essential from their lives. Although I believe in encouraging children to give away their old stuff, you don’t need to run every castoff by them. It’s better for some things to disappear quietly. I stash questionable items in a “limbo” box for a few months, just in case they’re requested in the near future.
• Your stuff. When it comes to your personal possessions, skip the PDD (public display of decluttering). Seeking validation from your partner may very well backfire (“You’re getting rid of that after paying so much for it?!”) and break your resolve.
My opinion: when done right, stealth decluttering isn’t an act of duplicity, it’s an act of kindness. We’re keeping our households clear, pleasant, and spacious without burdening our loved ones with the task (especially those who may genuinely struggle with such decisions).
(I should note that I don’t need to employ this with my husband, as he’s as minimalist as I am–and he’s more than welcome to do some stealth decluttering of his own. ;-) )
So let’s come clean in the Comments—do you ever declutter on the QT?
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
Yes! My daughter is also nearly three, and she can also become suddenly devoted to something that really needs to leave the house.
My strategy with my husband is a bit different. I respect and honor his opinions more than the toddler’s (which I think is appropriate). My current level of compromise is that I have various holding areas, and I’ll tuck things away for a few months, then convince him they are unneeded.
I’ve never used stealth decluttering, as I think I would feel too guilty/ fear an outburst if I was discovered! My other half is not a hoarder, but nor is he a minimalist. He is much more likely to hold on to sentimental stuff than I am, and he is not that bothered by what the house looks like (he has no interest in decorating or arranging furniture, as long as stuff works and he has a sofa :) ).
My tactic has been to declutter my own stuff ferociously (people often comment that my house must be nearly empty each time I post something on Facebook to be rehomed). As a result of my decluttering of my own stuff, his stuff generally fits fairly neatly away in the available space. Occasionally he’ll chuck a few things out, but I think it would take a real need for the space (like having a child and needing space in a wardrobe for their clothes) to motivate him to pare down.
He has no issue with me getting rid of my stuff or shared stuff though- for instance when I counted our mugs and pointed out that we probably couldn’t fit 36 people in our house to drink tea..so lots of them could go!
I think stealth stuff removal would just create suspicion if discovered…although I can see it would work for kids!
I’ve done stealth decluttering, mainly with stuff that is very expendable – tupperware, pens etc. And my own stuff. My husband didn’t like it when I decluttered my clothes without checking with him, because there were clothes he liked on me that I didn’t, and he kept hoping I’d wear them one day – but I did it anyway, and he’s now used to me wanting to have total control in that department :)
Stealth decluttering is an absolute necessity in my house. My husband comes from a family that can slide absolutely everything into the sentimental category. And my daughter has inherited that tendency. Fortunately my son is more minimalist like me.
Absolutely! I am a minimalist at heart living in a house full of hoarders. If I declutter obviously unneeded items on the QT nobody ever even notices. If I’m upfront about it, half of what I want to get rid of will end up staying – and still never be used… because, you know, “someday” might actually come…
Yes, I’ve done the same. Don’t tell my boyfriend. But especially some cups and glasses have left our house without his explicit consent; keeping our cupboards neat and manageable.
Broken stuff and mundane stuff yes, other people’s personal belongings not anymore. I did declutter my children’s stuff when they were tiny but as they grew more aware decluttering their things became a joint activity – enforced by me!
As easy as it would be to do this, I strictly do not ever give myself permission to do it. It’s highly disrespectful of others who share your home. You wouldn’t want them doing the same to you, nor would you expect them to know all your plans for or attachments to things. Plus, if you want them to learn to be more minimalist like yourself, being sneaky about decluttering is never going to help. With my spouse (who is not a hoarder, but I would say an “average” collector or generally apathetic) I always go over things I’m removing from the house. Even if they’re mine. Even if they’re trivial. It creates trust between us, gives him a chance to speak up (maybe he liked that DVD that was mine), and reinforces the idea of decluttering and space/organization it breeds. I most recently went through the tupperware cabinet WITH him because he uses it too. Yeah, I could throw away those mis-matched lids, but even small things like that can make your partner feel like they have no say in things. Even if it WAS something they would toss too! Broken things? Maybe your partner was “going to fix that”, even if it DID break 20 years ago. You need to let them have a say too.
We don’t have children, but I feel the same way for a child older than a toddler. Isn’t part of teaching them to include them and demonstrate why they should let things go? To build good habits and trust between you? I have memories of toys I had when I was as young as 4. Surely I would have memories of things that “went missing.” I know a lot of my friends do, and are quite bitter about it (either for the object, or the way their opinion was treated).
I fall somewhere in between Puck and Miss Minimalist on this matter. Like Miss Minimalist, I find that decluttering my Dad’s house (by me or by my sister) used to result in my Dad insisting on keeping a large percentage of what we were trying to remove from the home–even if those possessions were ours and not his!
However, as the years have gone by, my Dad has gradually come around to the idea of letting a great many unwanted clutter items go. I find it helps if I gather up items in one place for him to look at, so that we can go through them one by one and discuss why we do or don’t need to keep it. Sometimes I convince him to let things go immediately, sometimes I get him to agree to put them “on hold” in the giveaways box until he’s ready to let it go, and sometimes he chooses firmly to keep things that I deem unnecessary.
This system does make decluttering go more slowly, but it is infinitely more respectful of those with whom we share our spaces. And including them in the declultering process, with all of the decision-making conversations this entails, can gradually turn a hoarder (like my Dad a decade ago) into a more minimalist direction (which he is beginning to take now). Even as a child, I have dim memories of my mother asking me whether I still played with this or that toy; if I insisted on keeping it, she would accept my decision and revisit it with me again later. I appreciate how much she respected my opinion from such an early age. Frankly, if she had stealth decluttered my possessions, I would have hoarded them even more fiercely.
Adding to my previous comment: I still lean more towards Miss Minimalist’s approach with my OWN possessions. I rarely show my Dad what I’m decluttering if it is not his possession or a communal item. He once saw my sister decluttering her bedroom when she moved out, and he rummaged through her giveaways to save tchotchkes. She was outraged, and I agreed with her. Sometimes I even HIDE some of my giveaways so that my Dad doesn’t find an excuse to keep them (when he would obviously never use them).
I doubt I would do this with a spouse. But with my Dad, I’m okay with stealth decluttering many of my own belongings away from his prying eyes and hoarding hands ;-)
Absolutely. If I am a minimalist, that does not mean in any way that every member of my family now must live exactly as I want. This would be at least grossly disrespectful. I can only show an example by living like a minimalist, and if they see the benefits, they can adopt minimalist living, too. Or not. Either way, they have the right to choose.
As to hoarders – if somebody starts to hoard pathologically, there is an underlying problem, usually something psychological, which can never be solved by simply throwing everything out, as it could only aggravate the problem.
Let us not play God with our families. Nobody must live the way we want, let’s have some respect, too.
Geez, Puck/Kurkela, lighten up!
Hear, hear! If you read this miss minimalist post carefully, she’s not advocating a careless throwing away of each and every possession your loved ones may own…
Thanks Sue Ann for saying what I was thinking!
Agreed. (Hand smacking forehead).
Agreed, Puck and Kurkela. Show some respect for the people who are dearest and nearest to you. Who are you, Head Declutterer, to decide what people can keep and what they can’t?
We live in a society that places high values on possessions, so respect other people’s possessions!
BTW, love the idea of setting out stuff in a corner and letting people decide in their own time what they can let go.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a minimalist, but have been at the mercy of people who have thrown away my stuff. Am surprised I haven’t turned into a hoarder…
I totally do this with my mom’s clothes!
Yes! This! One of those massive decluttering sessions was responsible for my son finding and adopting my old jewelry box. Now he’s taken to checking around for old jewelry, stones, and other random treasures which he squirrels away in the jewelry box in his room.
“Nobody can fault you for tossing something that doesn’t work—especially if it hasn’t worked in a long time.”
Clearly you’ve never had to work hands-on with a hoarder.
Otherwise, a reasonable plan.
If I lived with more people I’m sure I’d be all over the stealth decluttering. And yes–no one can get mad at you for throwing away something that’s broken. But in that case, I’d be sure to prove to the person that the item IS in fact broken, because I could see that being an argument later!
HANDS OFF!!! It may be broken and worthless in your eyes but I love it dearly!
Umm, are you joking or yelling?
#confused
Both, really..
Why-is-there-no-hashtag-on-my-keyboard-even-more-confused ;-)
I can’t imagine tossing stuff that doesn’t belong to me, whether it’s broken, tattered, falling apart, or 50 years old. If the issue of clutter and minimizing hasn’t been discussed, doesn’t it make more sense to discuss it and figure out a solution or a compromise? I know a married couple in which the husband borders on hoarding behavior, according to the wife. She designated a spare room as “his room” and he could do whatever he wanted in there and store as much as he wanted, but the rest of the home was off-limits for cluttering. He agreed, and this seems to be working well for them.
The takeaway for me is that if clutter, disorganization, and non-minimalist qualities are a deal-breaker, don’t live with them. You’ll just make yourself miserable. Everybody has deal-breakers when they choose partners. A lot of what I’m reading about non-concordant partners on this issue seems to be buyer’s remorse. It’s as if you want your partner to somehow suddenly change into being a minimalist when they never were to begin with and you knew it going into the relationship.
I stealth clutter from myself! If something is hard to let go of i put it in a bag telling myself i can retrieve it. Then i take the (full) bag to the charity shop without looking in it again, by which time i have forgotten what is inside!
Great idea!
I did this with everything in my kitchen, I believe I got this from Francine’s book? I boxed up every item in the kitchen (except for food) and put the boxes out in the mudroom off the kitchen. I retrieved stuff as I needed it. Kept the boxes out there for about two months, and at the end of that time donated what was left in them. Uncluttered drawers! Empty drawers! It was the coolest solution I ever read to dealing with kitchen stuff.
Oh goodness, yes! I don’t touch the hobby stuff, but many pieces of kitchenware have made their way into the “limbo” box – and then if we don’t use it in six months, it goes to Goodwill. Someday the Man may mention, “I thought we had an espresso maker at one point,” but if he can’t even remember owning it, then clearly we don’t need it. It helps that he does so little of the cleaning that he really has no idea of what we have and what we don’t. :P
I’m not a fan of stealth decluttering. I think it’s ok with kids up to a certain age, maybe three or four, when at that point they can start learning that getting rid of things is a natural part of life. At the age where that becomes possible I think it’s very important for kids to have a say in what stays and what goes. It also teaches them the skills to live a minimal lifestyle.
We started decluttering when my daughter was five years old. We included her in the process from start to finish. In the beginning she got rid of very little, but now, at 8 years old, she’s a decluttering machine. She has really embraced the minimal lifestyle, and that’s because I included her in the process.
Yes. To me, it’s disrespectful of your partner to get rid of their things without discussing it. Adults talk stuff over, and going behind your partner’s back with their belongings would bring up trust issues for me if I were the one whose things were disposed of. If you can’t discuss issues that impact your relationship, why are you in a relationship in the first place?
I like the age range you’ve set for discussion with the kids.
I live alone so decluttering isn’t an issue but your comments on the chopsticks made me laugh. I recently decluttered the kitchen again and got rid of 10 pairs of chopsticks I have had since 2001 and kept “in case” I served a Chinese dinner and everyone wanted a pair!
LOL!! I’ve done the same thing!
No stealth decluttering as I have used my examples of decluttering as a way to educate the rest of the family (husband and 2 teenagers). It is a constant process and I talk them through my mental reasoning so they can learn how to think like a declutterer since they are not reading about it like I am. Everyone knows I am constantly evaluating items in our house and if I am unsure I will ask if anyone has a use for an item…they like to be consulted and to know that they have a voice in the process. There is a dedicated spot in the basement to stow items waiting to go to Goodwill and I usually take at least one kid with me when I go to donate. I have been doing this since they were in early elementary school, so it is an ongoing process. I also talk about the benefits of getting rid of stuff (i.e. “It’s so much easier to put the dishes away” or similar). More of a long-term, subtle brainwashing technique on my part.
I have learned that there are those who don’t even live in the same household who don’t share my enthusiasm for getting rid of things, and are actually critical of it. I am guessing that it makes them feel not in control of their own clutter, and somewhat inadequate in that regard.
Now I have stopped mentioning to those friends and family members about how I cleaned out my basement, how many carloads I took to the thrift store, or how much I made by selling some item. Too bad, because I love to share these little triumphs.
I understand those who are opposed to this, however this has been a sanity saver for me. I have tried to include my husband in this process, but all the typical questions for decluttering do not resonate. It’s better if the small things just quietly leave the house.
The larger things I discuss. Sometimes they stay and sometimes they go. Recently my husband got a new grill, and I stood firm that the old one needed to go. It was not useable and looked junky in our back yard.
I am learning to let things go (or stay in this case), but also learning that there are times when a decision has to be made.
My kids are learning to declutter and I love to see their enthusiasm for it.
I do the cooking, cleaning and housekeeping; and visual clutter distracts (probably ADD) and stresses me out.
A joke in our family is the EBay song. If you know what it is, it’s hilarious.
Hilarious! Just listened to it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKtlK7sn0JQ
+1!
I feel the exact same way. Every now and then my husband will ask, “Where did that ___ go? And I’ll say, “I dropped it off at the Goodwill months ago” to which he’ll say, “Oh, okay.” Now if I ask him before, then I will have to see it cluttering up the house for at least another 6 months (busted walkie-talkies, old coffee mugs that NEVER got used, etc). I pick my battles, though and I don’t get rid of anything that is obviously sentimental.
P.S. never heard of the eBay song…youTube’d it and it’s hilarious:)
Anna
Really, the only one I need to sneak up on is myself. I have been reading your blog for a few years now and am currently reading (and enjoying) your book The Joy of Less. I have found that my clutter clearing has gone in stages and a big surge comes around about twice a year. As I am bringing less into the equasion the effects are showing, little by little. I have gone from CHAOS (“Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome”, credit to The Fly Lady), to being creative with organizing to a stage where, now, as often as not, I will ask myself just why have I “organized” so much junk away and fill up the back of the car and head for The Red Cross. Again. And Again. The lady who runs the shop and I are on first name basis now. I think she thinks I clear houses for a living. Anyway, I keep sneaking up on myself and gradually the job is getting done. My partner has his own clutter issues but by and large it is confined to his office. I do not have to go in there. I can go and sit somewhere tranquil and there are more and more spots like that in our home now. Thank you.
While cleaning out a kitchen cupboard a few months ago I decided that we didn’t need two colanders. So I kept the classic white enamel one and got rid of the bright yellow Tupperware one. Even though he doesn’t cook much, my husband still misses the Tupperware one! Ooops!
So funny – I did the exact opposite and now hubby misses the enamel one that I hated, while I always use the blue Tupper!! LOL
Get in touch with each other and swap colanders LOL
There’s an ex out there somewhere who still bemoans the fact that I got rid of old, moldy suits that he’d outgrown in adolescence. Has that stopped me from stealthily (or otherwise) continuing to declutter in the name of all that is sanitary, healthy and clean? Not! As I write this, I’m wishfully thinking/strategizing how to slowly but surely declutter those awful drawers full of STUFF not seen or utilized in all the years I’ve been married to my current husband. That’s a long time. That being said, I’m not as cavalier about tossing my partner’s STUFF as I once was as there is a bit of a moral struggle going on in my head and heart. Is it really okay to quietly remove that telephone cord that is tangled around an ancient pair of glasses…and throw them in the donate bag? Oh how I want to do this! But I’m living with someone who is attached to PILES OF STUFF, whose sense of security or something seems to motivate him to hang on to all this junk. I love this wonderful person and I am sensitive to his need to feel secure, even if it is through owning STUFF. Now, if it was a matter of MOLD or some other health concern, I would toss it with a free conscience. Hmmm…there’s a thought…I wonder if leaving an old peanut butter sandwich in there would add a little mold to the contents of the drawer….?
When my daughter was about your daughters age, she is now 21, I tried getting rid of her very outgrown winter coat. She would have nothing to do with that! We “left” it at her babysitters one day. Many months later she found it there and used it for one more winter! She is still my one who keeps everything. Love her to pieces, but it drives me crazy!
I would not like someone to sort my stuff so I don’t sort theirs without their consent. However, I do sit with my son in his room and insist he get rid of his junk mail and papers he doesn’t need. My husband has piles of photos he doesn’t sort or look through. My daughter came over and we found some where we couldn’t identify who the people were. Clearing out papers and books is an ongoing process.
I’m in favor of this up to the degree you suggest in your post, i.e. stealth decluttering (mainly) stuff that’s either broken, discarded or totally generic in nature – or your very own. I use both past experience and tact as yardsticks in doing thiswith other stuff than my own, but I still do it regularly. Yet I’d never throw away my husband’s oldest t-shirts in secret just because they’re worn, since I know he loves to sleep in them. :) I guess it’s also a question of knowing where to draw the line. ;)
I love the idea of a limbo box and will definitely be using it in the future.
Stealth decluttering is dangerous to a relationship. It erodes trust and truthfulness. I saw this as someone who was on the receiving end in childhood and did it to my now-ex husband. The tactic I devised with my ex after the problematic stealth decluttering was to box up the things I would have previously stealthily sent out of the house, and put them in the garage with the date on the box. When we moved house he went through some of the boxes and got rid of them. When we split up he took about 20 of these boxes with him to his new house and I was SO GLAD to see them go and I also was relieved to know I’d found an ethical compromise instead of ‘disappearing’ them against his wishes.
I can also remember some instances of “stealth” decluttering my mother did when I was in elementary school. She got rid of a couple of items I’d specifically asked her to leave alone, and when I (immediately) noticed they were gone and became upset, she brushed it off with things like “You didn’t even use it” or “You’ve outgrown that.” It definitely damaged our relationship. I felt like I couldn’t trust her, and the effects of that (as well as some similar, but unrelated instances) have not entirely worn off now that I’m an adult. Respecting the “sovereignty” of others over their own things and domains is very important, I think especially for children (it shows that their feelings and opinions matter). It’s a thin line, so I recommend proceeding with caution!
I do stealth decluttering on an ongoing basis. My children are 4 and 7, and if you were to ask them, “do you want to keep this toy/book/random unidentifiable plastic thing?” The answer is always YES. So.. Do I let them hang on to everything they’ve ever owned and allow the accumulation from birthdays and holidays to eventually turn their rooms, and my house, into landfills of useless objects? No. Things leave (secretly) when they have been ignored for a reasonable amount of time. If they’re not in great condition, they go to Goodwill. If they are durable and got a lot of playtime they go to the containers in the basement of age-labeled toys (in case of another pregnancy and baby).
In the case of spouses, you have to tread very carefully. I have made the mistake of decluttering things my husband was later angry to find he no longer had (oops) and so I’ve learned to be very upfront and honest when there is something he may have a say in that I want to get rid of. I will also purposely consult him about getting rid of things that should be easy and agreeable, this builds the trust back up. Also, I’ve realized that when the urge to declutter strikes and I’m focusing on someone else’s belongings, I can just as easily find a box, or drawer, or shelf of MY OWN things to declutter. And that is just as satisfying (minus the guilt). Often when I am looking at an area I feel my husband should clean out or declutter, the truth is I’m just distracting myself or avoiding the difficult work I need to be doing with my own belongings (can we say 30 years worth of photographs to sort through? No wonder I’m looking for a distraction!)
So in essence…yes to stealth decluttering but tread carefully with your spouse!
LOVED this! Thank you. I have a few pint-sized scavengers. :-) Hahaha…
I do it all the time but, might start with the hubbies stuff hmmm…tempting very tempting. Thanks. I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff just because we have moved. So easy to decide to get rid of a lot of things.
Love the blog! However, as your kids grow older I do NOT recommend throwing out their stuff, even the already tucked away in the attic-articles. My mom did this to me and finding out that she threw out my stuff without asking made me feel really left out and not respected. I’m still looking to replace some of the stuff she threw out because they were things I still actually use, and one actually seemingly pointless thing was a hidingplace of letters from a special someone. While I today probably would have thrown it out, taken photos of it first, at the time I felt very insulted that my parents hadn’t consulted with me first. So don’t go behind people’s back with things like this.
I’d also like to add though, that putting in some “one in = one out” rules etc can be a very good mindset for a child, and expose your children to the idea of decluttering/minimalism. My grandparents spoiled me rotten as a kid, to the point where I threw a blanket over some of my stuff when we had visitors. I have ADD and the weight of things and clutter has made me itch and made it hard for me to focus since a Young age and when I was eight I made a very desperate call to my grandparents to not give me so much for christmas. To my horror my grandpas reply was that he loved me and WANTED to give me lots of things asp it was futile. I think the reason I’m minimalist today is BECAUSE my grandparents made me drown in their “love” in form of toys and games and trinkets. I’m allergic to clutter, and to this day I hate opening presents because of them. as a kid i stoved everything that emberassed me away in my closet, so when mom proposed to do a clean out I was so THANKFUL because I didn’t know I could donate or throw things out (i felt GUILTY since everything was gifts)
So please DO include your children in the progress. They might be more minimalist than you think!
Interesting story/viewpoint, gelli. As someone who had almost nothing (material) as a child, I developed hoarding tendencies as soon as I had my own money to start buying “stuff”. It has taken me a long time, but I can now let go of “stuff” easier than I could in the past.
Our younger years often affect us far more than we ever actually may realise.
IMHO, the correct question is not “do you want to keep this” but “shall we give this to another kiddy who doesn’t have many toys” . Teaches them that things can go to a Good Home instead of being chucked into a landslide. And makes the decision less difficult. Anybody with children agree with this?
I also know of children who were allowed to do yard sales of their stuff and gleefully found they had more money / more space afterwards for new toys!
Come on people, let’s treat children as living beings, teach them to be able to part with this things, and stop playing Dictator. Not everybody likes to have a tidy room, and yes I think there’s a security issue here too, hanging on to your things. Respect each other.
In the place where I live, there are many families with small children, and we are often having yard sales especially for kids. Goes like this – kiddies bring for sale their toys and books of their choice, and each is given a small amount of money for purchases and giving out change. And in the corner there is a big box – for donations of toys and books. So what happens – they buy and sell some things, then they get bored, and the donations box gets filled and later is delivered to the church or some Oxfam type organization. Everybody happy. Takes just some organization.
What a lovely idea!
To Mrs Brady Old Lady – totally agree! When children are old enough to develop attachments to items then their opinion matters. That is how I used to ask my sons (now in their 20s) when it came time to go through their things. Now I plan on encouraging my Dtr in law along the same lines with the out grown baby items she wants to store at our home until they have another child – several years down the road. Store in our home because they are in college with no room. I will be asking her this week if she knows of anyone in need. It’s not like they won’t be making that item ever again, and it will probably be better! :thumbs up:
Thanks for the wonderful comments! I knew this would be a controversial topic, and really appreciate all your different insights into the matter. :)
I know I’m a bit late to the comments (as I have only just found your blog) but I had to let you know that this post made me laugh so hard! I had no idea that anyone else was as sneaky as me! The guilt is hugely lifted and now I feel totally justified in my ‘stealth deculttering’ as it has a now has a name :) Thanks so much!
I really enjoyed reading this and I love the concept of “stealth decluttering”! I have been “minimalizing”, as I say, for about 9 months now, removing one by one (or garbage bag by garbage bag)the items that do not add value to mine and my husband’s life. His only request when I started getting rid of our things was that we would decide together what goes. I thought that was fair enough then (although I did briefly panic he would never say ‘ok’ to anything) and it’s been working for us. If anything, when I question the utility or (sentimental) value of a thing, he is much more willing to let it go. But, I can absolutely see myself one day stealthily adding my future children’s outgrown possessions to a future donation garbage bag.
I stage stuff for decluttering by putting it in the attic until it is time to donate stuff to the church bazaar at which point stuff goes out the door (some to the church, some to Goodwill and some small amount to the trash/recycling). My husband has a very hard time letting things go so staging stuff helps him get used to not seeing it around the house and makes it easier to let go.
Ironically, my husband will be the first to say “It’s nothing but a thing” if something gets lost or broken, yet he will hold on to all sorts of stuff–broken stuff, actual trash (empty wrappers, clothing tags, empty envelopes), junk mail. He admits it and if he knows I have re-homed something, he’s pretty OK with it. I’ve made a few mistakes but we’ve gotten over it.
I also keep a box at the ready for impromptu decluttering. When it comes to my spouse, it is normally clothing that needs to hit the box; I will turn the hangars around and if he hasn’t worn something in six months, I’ll bring it to his attention and it usually goes into the box without further discussion. We are both very good about replacing versus acquiring, we both abhor clutter in any fashion, avoid sentimentalizing objects and have no problem scaling back even to a barren extreme.
Have been cleaning up after a true hoarder.
As much as I want to toss things, my mother knows every object she has. Recycled 40 boxes of books the library wouldn’t take and kept 2 boxes of her favorites. Got rid of a lot of plastic packaging and kept the good china. Got rid of smelly, ripped linens and boxes of rags and am sorting through clothes.
Relationships matter, things don’t. Our 5×7 storage space is mostly empty so things can sit for a there for a while.
I must try this I think.
I’m 21, but still don’t have enough money to start living with my fiancé – and living with my parents and younger brother is killing me sometimes. I really am craving for a simpler, more minimalist lifestyle but can’t change our house, which is full of stuff and I’m overwhelmed almost all the time.
Recently I donated or passed to friends/family 3 big boxes of clothing (which I still have to much of), but that’s the most I can do. They won’t let me get rid of anything other than clothing… For example: I have a bookshelf full of books that I won’t read ever (or ever again) and I know it – but when I mentioned that I wanted to give some of them to library as a gift or sell some, my parents yelled at me… Even though my brother doesn’t like reading at all and has problem with finishing 20 pages long books he has to read for school, they say he may want to read my books some day so I have to keep them in MY ROOM.
I’m still quite afraid that they may find out about my decluttering… But I need to do something.
Thanks for your post!
I guess the reason I can’t stand clutter was growing up in a cluttered house.
I had it done to me once, when I found out at the time I was upset. It wasn’t anything major really, but still. However, if you know people with hoarding tendencies who want you to keep everything when you want to be more minimalist (keeping only what you genuinely want/need), you have to do it on the DL to avoid arguments.
My sister claims she can’t sort papers because she doesn’t know what to throw away. I like to get rid of things with no use to me. I’ve finished doing a lot of crafts, and keep clearing things out of my home. I’d like to get rid of a few pieces of furniture and pass them on.
Just over a year ago I moved to my BF’s home and rented out my own home, as we were starting a small business, cash was running out fast and he was in danger of losing his home. My place was far from pristine but it was overall clean, uncluttered and everything had its place, it was also more rentable and I had a LOT less stuff to move. I now wish I’d let him find his own way.
Even if like items were grouped together I could live with that more easily, but he has two or three of everything because he can’t find items and buys them again, or just buys another of the same thing because it was on sale. For example he has two ladles, three chopping boards and so on, but never cooks! Most of my stuff – at least 1/3 of which was ruthlessly binned or donated prior to moving – is still in the garage, even things I used to use regularly, because there’s nowhere in the house to put it or even sort it. Meanwhile he has 50+ old t-shirts that haven’t seen the light of day in years.
Currently my weekends are spent purging and cleaning as much as I can. If something is busted I may or may not ask him if it can go, for his answer is always “NO, I’ll see if it can be fixed”. Meanwhile there are three project motorbikes that have been in the garage for over 10 years so I know for a fact the steam cleaner he already tried to fix and shoved back in the cupboard is never going to work again. The irony… a broken cleaning product adding to the filth. I will bin an item like that when he’s not looking.
I would never dream of binning anything that’s sentimental, and do try to go through as much as possible with him, however my quality of life is important too and I don’t see why I should have to suffer living in chaotic filth. I am beginning to hate my own stuff too, and that is the majority of what I’m letting go of. If he doesn’t begin to follow suit at least what I’ll have left will fit in two car loads when I can’t stand it any longer and move out. I don’t like to be negative, however precious time doing more enjoyable activities is slipping through my fingers and I can’t let that happen indefinitely…
The stapler thing really hits home, as I came out of the spare bedroom yesterday with FOUR of them. My husband was insisting I just put them back. Oh no.
I cleaned out my sister in law’s closet – she has Alzheimer’s advanced- and my brother gave away 10 big garbage bags full of clothes that couldn’t possibly fit her. I am going back in a couple weeks and will do her dresser, her shoes, purses, and the linen closet. I like to sort and clean and caregivers will watch her during the day. The care givers kept finding clothes from years ago that didn’t fit and there are also plastic tubs full of socks and underwear that needs to be sorted. It is a job that needs to be done that my brother has no time to do and neither does anyone else.
I cleaned out a kitchen cabinet and the linen closet and then, with my brother’s permission, sorted a ton of papers in the basement. Again, there were boxes of stuff to give away, boxes to recycle, big bags of shredded papers and I could have done more. I am so grateful my home is about 1/2 the size of his and we could never have that much stuff. We have 2 bedrooms and a den. If I ever move again, I will get a 1 bedroom.