Every Monday I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
Today I’d like to introduce you to Dee, who chronicles her relationship with stuff from her childhood to her (more minimalist) present. What a wonderful transformation she’s made in her perspective on possessions!
Dee writes:
Since childhood, my relationship with my stuff has been complicated. My parents would never be on television for their hoarding – there were no goat trails through waist-high piles of clutter, no rodents or trash in the living room – but each of them had hoarding tendencies.
My mother cannot let go of furniture that is in good condition, no matter how cluttered it makes her home. When she bought her second dining room table, she moved the old one over five feet and put the new one right next to it. She now has six dining room tables. Some were purchased, some were taken from people who couldn’t sell them. Her house is 5000 square feet, and she lives in it alone, an old woman surrounded by furniture and decorative knickknacks.
My father was a paper and “information” hoarder. About 800 square feet of the house was dedicated to his “office space”, filled with conference tables and filing cabinets. For a few years, he methodically filed articles of interest in four-drawer filing cabinets. After he filled sixteen four-drawer cabinets, he started piling the papers on the tables. When he died, every flat surface was covered with piles of paper, stacks of CDs, even teetering piles of old 5-inch floppy disks. He owned more than seven computers when he died. I can only imagine how cluttered his hard drives were.
With parents like that, you’d imagine I was given free rein to keep as much stuff as I wanted within the confines of my room. Instead, my parents exerted their own control over my property. Nothing was truly mine – every item I owned was subject to being given away or tossed out on a whim, particularly by my narcissistic mother. My sisters often searched my room and took any items of interest, then denied having done so. I learned to jealously guard my treasures and hide them from others for fear of losing them to theft or the whims of a hoarder parent.
At 20, I moved out of the parental home and in with my boyfriend, a self-described “collector” of music memorabilia. We were poor, but we were avid shoppers at thrift stores, often driving for miles to hunt down treasures. My boyfriend respected my things and encouraged me to indulge myself in cheap stuff. I started collecting all kinds of things – books, decorative glass, record albums, posters, costume jewelry. It was a bit like having a second childhood, one where I could own my stuff and only I could decide what stayed or went.
But all of it stayed and I avoided getting rid of anything. Within a year or two, our small apartment was overrun with stuff, much of it piled onto teetering shelves made from reclaimed wooden boards and cinderblocks we found in dumpsters.
The idea that we had too much stuff came upon me gradually. We were living in a cluttered mess, but it was the little things I noticed: books that got moldy before I could read them; photos that were destroyed by humidity; vintage clothes that got moth-eaten as they sat in boxes under the bed; furniture that had gotten so dusty, the dust had melded into the varnish. I read books on hoarding and realized that my parents hadn’t given me good examples of how normal people use and discard possessions.
As I started to weed out my no-longer-treasured treasures, my boyfriend’s discomfort with anything “musical” leaving the house intensified. I reined in my desire to control his possessions and focused on getting rid of my own. The discarding process became a joy as I realized that I was making the decisions about what I got rid of, not my controlling, hoarding parents.
Today I have come full circle: it bothers me to have an item I’m not using, even if I have space for it, and I can easily let go of items I no longer need. I still have more decorative objects than most minimalists, but they are all items I love and that fit the space I have without clutter. My closets are full, but not stuffed, and every item in there is worn and useful. My home is neat, well-organized, and uncluttered. Every day, I try to find something I can donate or resell.
Most importantly, I have learned how to truly own my own stuff, not to have my stuff own me.
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
Thank you for sharing your story, Dee. It sounds like your childhood set you up for a difficult relationship with material things; I’m so glad you were able to work through those difficulties at such an early age and be in a comfortable relationship with the things you own. Most of all, I’m glad that you have complete control over your possessions now, and are not subject to the whims or outright thefts of those who don’t respect your personal ownership of things. Bravo!
Dee, thanks for sharing your story. It must have been a bit traumatic having your siblings and parents take or throw out your stuff! But love you are in such a good place with the stuff you now own :)
I have siblings who would help themselves to my belongings too and my mum would throw things away… I went through a stage of not being able to get rid of anything but thankfully have now come to the conclusion that if you don’t have anything, nobody can take anything away. Such utter peace of mind!
Thanks Dee so much.I have had issues about identity and have suffered “mental illness” because of it. I own nothing but the bare minimum to keep my personality wobbles at bay. Minimalism has saved my sanity in so many ways, but your story has made me realise that I cannot and should not control my young daughter through her toys and stuff. Minimalism is my path. My daughter should be free to find her own way. Thanks for sharing.
Sorry Mrs Brady Old Lady. I put my comment under you, but I did find what you said helpful.
Your comment resonated with me. It makes me feel better mentally too to not have very much stuff.
Good luck in not trying to control your daughter’s stuff – it must be very hard for you!
Yes Dee thank you for sharing. You’ve shown that how a child is raised can truly affect their relationships both with people and material things. Having the items you loved being removed without respect for your feelings! You came to the realization of what you wanted for your life and are Right Sizing it without forcing it on your boyfriend when he obviously wasn’t ready – at that time in his life. Minimalism is not a competition as to who can live with the least stuff. This is a life style to bring you and yours (whoever you are living with) peace, not strife. Relax and enjoy what you’ve accomplished so far.
Dee, awesome to see you come full circle on your de-cluttering journey! Your last sentence is the whole point of the process: I have learned how to truly own my own stuff, not to have my stuff own me. Such a freeing concept!
Thank you for sharing your story. It really helped me today. My daughter is 10 and when I used to get overwhelmed by stuff I would get rid of her stuff sometimes as she has so much or I would make her find things to get rid of. I’m so glad I’ve stopped this. I didn’t think about the pain this could cause. Now she can keep whatever she wants as long as it’s in her space.
As somone’s daughter – thank you for stopping!!! ;-)
What an amazing story. It must have felt liberating leaving the control of your parents, to have control over what you owned. Thank you for sharing your story!
Congrats on overcoming the hurdles your mentally ill parents (and hoarding and narcissistic behavior are on a spectrum of mental illness) set up for you. It’s a true shame that all parents aren’t the kind that set good examples and teach children how to establish and respect boundaries.
Good for you for teaching yourself and doing the job they should have done.
Thank you everyone for your supportive comments! I’m glad my story was helpful to you.
Dee
Dee, I liked your story. My mom has always hoarded though like your mom not the way the people on TV do it. In reaction, I’ve always tried to keep things under control. Since discovering minimalism I’ve learned just how little I really need to get by. You keep doing what feels well and healthy for you.
Way to go Dee! Thank you for your story, loved it.
Thank you for sharing your story! I was wondering what the relation with your boyfriend as well as family is today? Are you still together with your boyfriend and is he still into collecting thing? What about your parents and siblings, how have they reated to your minimalist ways?
Great article! Thanks.
I have another bag for Goodwill ready to go. I fill a bag every week and take books and DVD’s to the library. My mother had saved medical bills from 1995 and is still upset that I shredded them. They weren’t even hers, but her deceased husband’s.
Yet another bag is ready for Goodwill. My husband bought 2 shirts yesterday and is going to get rid of 2 shirts. I have all the clothes I need. It seems every year I buy 3 or 4 new things and get rid of the same number. I always buy the same colors and styles so everything looks the same. I look at fashion magazines to see what colors they are showing and look through my jewelry to see what I have.
My mother has piled and hoarded and jammed so much stuff in her room at the nursing home she was given an extra table. I take a few things home whenever I visit. Mostly old newspapers and magazines so I can recycle them. She is no more demented than she was 60 years ago, but now, instead of a house or a condo to fill, she only has half of one room.
I wanted to buy my daughter a special gift and she asked for a pair of silver earrings. Then she asked for a pair of old earrings of mine that I haven’t worn in years. I gave her those, too. I have given my daughters -in -law anything I have that I think they will like. I like giving things to people who will enjoy them.