Every Monday I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
This week, Abbie shares an honest, thought-provoking perspective on the psychological aspects behind her decluttering. I’m sure many of us can relate to the issues of control and finding balance.
Abbie writes:
My grandparents saved because of their experiences with economic struggle. My parents saved because they were taught not to waste anything – one could use that or need it in the future, best to keep it until then. I saved because if you get rid of that, someone’s feelings will be hurt.
You know those boxes you have? The ones you are going to go through, when you have enough time? Everytime I moved, they moved and brought their friends.
Control issues do not stop once one is no longer a toddler. Control is one of the most important things we all deal with every day; control of ourselves, our actions, our environment. I lost control when I took the winter lay-off from work. I lost control when my partner lost control of their emotions. I lost control when I didn’t have the money to get into town from where we live. I lost control when the anhedonia took over.
“Wouldn’t it be easier if the cat was dead?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier if my partner died?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier if I had no family or friends to complicate my life?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier if I were dead?”
Maybe. But not really.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to not have so many thoughts swirling around my head?”
Yes.
What do you like about walking into hotel rooms? Why do you feel drawn to them? Sure, they appear clean and your hands did not need to do it. But it’s more than that. Your *stuff* isn’t there. Not physically. Not emotionally.
This was my starting point. I refused to reach my next milestone birthday without trying to let go of at least some of my physical clutter. I’ve been working on my emotional clutter since my early 20s. It was time to work on the physical; to peel away that which covers to find that which matters.
In the last three years, we have had many changes in our lives. We moved from 165m2 with a single car garage, in a town, to 48m2 with a small shed, 45 minutes from the city. We went from not too much stuff to quite a full house – and it wasn’t just the things.
Living as the partner of someone with PTSD is not necessarily easy. They need a lot of space to spread out their thoughts so they can rifle through them and try to make the raging torrent of emotion make sense. Because of the lack of emotional control and stability, their physical environment suffers too. The depression and anxiety tell them so many lies that they start to believe these lies. My partner “stacks things big,” then feels overwhelmed by being surrounded by them and, after a short while, gives up.
I started to feel like I was drowning in the emotions and physical possessions in our house. Thank goodness I’ve been through the counselling I have so when I recognized my own distress, I understood that I can only control my own belongings and my own actions. That is when the purge started. I was still trying to “manage” my partner’s emotions and responses but that is a tale for another time.
Clothes that may fit in at a nebulous future date? Donated.
Books that will “someday” get read? Traded for credit.
Owning 7 sets of sheets for one bed and 3 sets of blankets? Extras to the Humane Society.
Fabric, wool, and notions, bought on spec, in case I someday care about sewing or knitting? To the charity store.
Extra chairs? Burned.
Too many bookcases? Found new homes.
As I took back control of myself and my own space, it became easier to let go of trying to shore up my partner’s emotions. My partner took to purging belongings on good days so that when the bad days come back around, there were less physical things that felt like suffocation. We worked together to let go of those “ideal self” pictures with all the hobbies and projects. I do not buy on speculation and my partner and I work together to limit the projects we bring into our lives.
It is an ongoing process. I have, in some ways, swung too far. On bad days, I sometimes try to get rid of everything. This is where living in partnership comes in handy. My partner talks me down, just like I do for them on their bad days.
I’m still working on finding balance.
{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or subscribing to my RSS feed.}
Thanks for sharing your story, Abbie. I can appreciate the difficulties you’ve gone through.
One question nags me, though — why were the extra chairs burned, and not donated? Were they broken?
Best of luck on your continued journey!
They were third- or fourth-hand chairs that, as they broke, my partner took down to the firepit and burned. Having fires was a calming activity for my partner and having something big like a chair (they were truely not salvageable. My mum questioned that every time.) made the fire something that lasted for four or five hours and could be fussed with.
Thank you for commenting!
Thanks Abbie. A great post. You put many of my own thoughts into words. Great insight into hotel rooms. It truly is an ongoing process.
Thank you.
We spent a while travelling frequently and I started getting tired of being in hotel rooms but I was tired of being dragged down by my stuff when I was home so I worked to bring the aspects of both together so I can stay home AND enjoy it.
You have made many difficult choices.Best of luck on your journey.
Thank you!
I’ve had the same reaction to hotel rooms. It’s such a break from our stuff, and it feels so fresh…until your clothes and the kids shoes get strewn throughout and you realize with a shock you’ve overpacked…again.
It’s an ongoing process, and I work hard at it, some days better than others.
Thanks for your story.
I still struggle with overpacking! I’m looking forwards to our next long trip to see how much less I bring.
Thank you for commenting!
Abbie, it seems we have much in common.
Forgive my bluntness, but it is a peculiar brand of hell to be forced by proximity and emotional attachment to help a PTSD-consumed spouse who cannot manage their own emotions, who needs daily help simply to hold it together, who has irrationally emotional and/or inappropriate responses to quite normal stimuli. Add in that everyone expects (in my society, at least) the spouse to be ever-supportive, ever-giving, and ever-uncomplaining, and it’s a recipe for caregiver exhaustion and quiet rage at the lack of support from everyone else beyond the spouses – the medical field, the work that breaks people and throws them away just as callously, and the judgmental people who were cruel out of their ignorance or inability to understand the way life had to be then as issues that take time to work through – and space, emotional and physical – were worked through.
We minimized heavily through this process. Not just for the frequent moves – although this was a strong motivator for me and reducing my labor there – but also to reduce the physical overwhelm of normal, everyday household stuff, and to create established order and routine to allow for maximum independence in the face of lasting health issues. A place for every thing, and it never moves from that place, so it can always be found. Things are accessible without difficulty. Stuff frequently used is stored within eyesight. Etc.
Minimalism has many facets. Thank you for bringing up an important and often overlooked one.
Thank you so much. It is nice to know that other people have used some of the same coping mechanisms – it normalizes my experiences.
For several years, I have enjoyed reading these RLM posts on Mondays. This one I found hard to follow. The writer’s tone is bizarre and I was particularly struck by the questions she asked,
“Wouldn’t it be easier if the cat was dead?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier if my partner died?”
Excuse my French, but WHAT THE HELL?!?!
Anyone who even thinks such thoughts is emotionally disturbed. And in that case, honey, “clutter” should be the least of your concerns. I feel bad for the poor cat and the apparently-distraught partner with PTSD. They both deserve better than this! Also, why refer to the partner as “they?” That’s plural— the readers don’t care if your partner is male or female, and an individual would be referred to as “he” or “she”, not “they.” I’m not the grammar police, but that is pointless and distracting to read in a published piece. It detracts from your supposed message of decluttering. I hope that you and the partner find some peace through minimalism, since the underlying tone of this post is quite heavy and gloomy.
Chloe, gender neutral pronouns (or gender inclusive pronouns) may be new to you, they were to me until very recently. But, because I have heard of it, I read the “they” as a gender neutral pronoun. It may seem odd to use a plural for a singular, but I have increasingly seen and heard it used, as some people prefer to get away from using “her”, “him”, “he”, “she” etc. My introduction to this came from a conversation with my 30 something daughters, who both know people who prefer this type of language. I thought, “what???” After our discussion, I looked it up. Sure enough, there is a growing movement regarding this, even at some universities in the US. It is easy to jump to snap judgments when faced with something new, but looking a little deeper opens up more understanding.
Just because is being used doesn’t mean it’s correct. It denotes a plural and will always be used as a plural. As well, just because they are using it in US universities still doesn’t make it correct.
I am well aware of the use of gender neutral pronouns in certain instances, such as transgender, etc. I have no a problem with that. I just found it distracting in this article, like the author went out of her way to leave it vague. That left an odd tone to the text for me. That’s all I was saying about that. I fully support LGBTQ causes, so that is not an issue for me at all.
My real problem with this is the author’s questions about
“Wouldn’t it be easier if the cat was dead?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier if my partner died?”
THAT is cause for concern. THAT is my main point here. I am not judgmental or ill-informed. I have been a psychologist for 20 years and I work with the mentally ill every day. I am very compassionate and good at helping others find their way through mental illness. I just felt that the author must at some point need to address her own underlying depression (or whatever it is that plagues her) in order to even ask such questions. As someone who does a lot of work for animal welfare organizations, I have seen a lot of cases of animal abuse and the author’s questions sent up a red flag for me. So, despite the piling on of anti-Chloe comments, that is my response. I understand the healing power of decluttering and anyone who read my last sentence would see that. I am not here to judge anyone, but was expressing my opinion, which is as valid as any other.
You are right, congruence is a way of helping a person to see their issues. However, as psychologist you must know that without empathy and positive regard, being congruent may seem simply rudeness. :)
Thank you for your concern, Chloe. It can be difficult discern tone from a written piece, especially one on the internet. There are many people crying out for help and attention. I hit “submit” before I could chicken out and did not take into full consideration the ways in which my words could be interpreted.
I certainly do not speak in every day life like I did in the piece above. I know to be far less blunt.
In the work I have done, I am aware that when I start thinking about how much less complicated life would be if I had no ties and there were no living things that depended on me that it is time to take a step back, rest and recharge, and (perhaps) adjust my medication. When I wrote this piece, months ago, it was during a very difficult time in my house. My partner does not do well around Remembrance Day.
Please rest assured that I would never willingly harm my cat. The only danger I expose my cat to is letting her go outside because her quality of life is more important to me that the risk of coyotes or owls. She had access to hiding places outside. She is not left outside when we are away. She does not go outside after dark (when I can reason with her).
Be gentle, Chloe. This is not the place to judge or critique, but support.
I would agree with that, Daisy. Support is essential during difficult times or when faced with difficult choices. If minimalism (as a lifestyle) is something that helps, who are we to judge?
these people are going through difficult times in their lives, and struggling heroically, I am psychologist and understand your situation, certainly minimalism help them take control of their lives and facilitate their hard road, wish them well sian we fight are heroes or victims heroes do not surrender, good luck from Colombia in south america.
Thank you so much, Leon.
I absolutely understood this. As someone with a partner who struggles with mental illness it really hit home. Minimalism comes naturally to me, but there is also an emotional aspect to it. I know when I am feeling overwhelmed in life in general I do declutter for peace of mind as having less physically around me can ease the weight of social obligations or emotional situations I cannot as quickly alter.
Simplifying at home is a game changer for someone with mental illness. Not having to think so much about stuff gives more time to focus on emotional stability. My husband talks often of how much mental and emotional energy basic daily tasks take from him. Things like remembering to shower, or that it’s his job to do the dishes can be a lot to remember and accomplish in a reasonable amount of time (or at an appropriate time). I can support him by keeping my life and space simple enough.
Thank you Crystal. I hope (as annoying as this sounds when people say it to me) that you are prioritizing your own self-care. Good luck in your relationship!
Thank you so much, Abbie, for having the courage to tell the untold!
Chloe shouldn’t reprimand or judge you for having said it. It was real and real isn’t always pretty. There are a LOT of people out there that are struggling with mental illness for a variety of reasons. I know this all too well myself.
The fact that you have found minimalism too and have used it as another means to help you in life is exactly what this is all about. That is what I love about these posts. Not all of us want to be bloggers, so this outlet helps us all learn the numerous ways and whys people around the world have come across minimalism.
My heart truly goes out to you! <3<3<3 Good luck with your journey!
Thank you, Chandra.
I don’t feel judged by Chloe. They read my writing from their own place in life and responded based on their tools and experiences.
Miss Minimalist is kind to allow us this space to explore the many reasons people turn to minimalism or even just slowing the flow of stuff into our lives.
Absolutely beautiful writing. Thank you for being brave and sharing your vulnerability. It’s an example of the 1001 unique ways minimalism can help a person. I wish I could spend hours with you asking how to love someone with PTSD, as I’m always struggling, but oh, it’s not possible. I’ll keep your words in mind though.
Thank you Ariel.
In short,
1) my partner is an active participant in their recovery. They are med-compliant with a doc who takes suggestions and feedback. They attend therapy. They are leaving the military.
2) My own therapy. My own support system. My own *actual* support group. My own mood stabilizing medication.
3) I don’t take the bad personally. You are in a shitty mood? Not a me problem. You want to kitchen-sink an argument? Not going to happen. We can add that issue to the list of stuff to talk about but we are not changing the topic from why you spent $500 we don’t have on car parts to how you feel like I never support you.
4) on the bad days, compartmentalization. I love my partner. I hate PTSD. In many ways, it has been the best thing that has ever happened to us. This has not killed us – we have grown stronger. But sometimes I get tired of everything needing to be such a struggle.
Communication has been key. There are people out there who can help. ( http://canpraxis.com/ )
I have been especially lucky because the biggest lie PTSD has told my partner (that I could do better, that they should break up with me, that I don’t have their back) has been the one my partner hasn’t believed. There are days when it’s been close but I didn’t spend the last three years of my life fighting the PTSD for the person I love to let that happen.
Thank you for talking about the psychological impact of decluttering. My husband and I both have a history of emotional issues as well, and simplifying has been SO helpful for both of us. Less possessions, less time commitments, really helps to keep that mental clutter at bay. It’s no substitute for therapy (although I actually got my therapist interested in decluttering!), but lifestyle can help so much.
Thanks for sharing, and wishing you the best on your journey!
Thank you so much Bethany, and good luck on yours!
I get what Chloe is saying. I don’t necessarily see this response as an attack. Clearly, we all feel bad for the author. But this RLM post struck me as dark as well. Most posts are somewhere between getting rid of a TV or downsizing dramatically. This is the first post I have seen that left a somewhat dark impression on me. I do not believe what Chloe said was to belittle the author in any way… But rather an emotional reaction. One that I share. I don’t pretend to know what the author is going thru. My heart hurts for her. But since I am NOT in her place, I came away from this thinking that decluttering was the least of her worries.
Thank you, Erika. You completely got what I was saying:)
Erika,
I understand Chloe’s concern as well. Decluttering might have started as rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, but those deck chairs were the a thing I had control over and they were one of the things I could concentrate on. Please know that I did (and do) have help. This post was not a very large peek into my life.
Thank you for your concern.
I agree totally with both Chloe and Erika.
It must be understandably stressful to live with a partner with PTSD, not being a Pollyanna about it is not a sign of mental illness! I am glad minimalism is helping to alleviate some of that stress, and wish you all the best.
Thank you for the best wishes!
I felt I must add that I am bipolar and also have OCD. It is important to me to recycle junk mail every day. We get the newspaper a few times a week and I have to get rid of the ads and parts we don’t read right away. Keeping the house decluttered is crucial to my well being. There are a number of extreme hoarders in the family, I wish they would get help but they won’t. I also have 2 cats and I need to clean the cat litter frequently. I would rather err on the side of too few items than too many.
Tina,
Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you are able to feel a good sense of control through recycling.
For those dealing with PTSD or have a partner with it, you may want to look into MDMA-assisted psychotherapy. Currently it’s done in trials, but it’s possible to qualify for it now or in the near-future. It resolves the issues in 1-3 sessions, which is pretty amazing.
Thank you, dt. Luckily, as this is still in the study stage, my partner has responded to CPT, PET, and a variety of medications. I hope many more tools are able to be developed to help the many people with PTSD.
As a practicing physician for almost 20 yrs, my initial response 5 d ago was, like Chole’s, concern and alarm. As in, !!!!
Abbie, please reach out for help wherever you are.
Readers of this blog care. But someone near and next to you cares. Very much. YES, the feelings of loss of control, anhedonia, and even bursts of energy, cycling …up … down. Can be helped. It’s a process. You CAN. You are so strong. You are not alone. Please reach out.
P.S. You write beautifully.
Thank you P.S. I did, I have many times, and I will continue to. This piece was, by no means, an all-encompassing look into my life. I appreciate your concern and your words are wise. I hope everyone who feels hopeless can reach out, ask for help, and receive it.
I forgot to mention that there are lots of great medicines to try if anyone else out there has OCD or bipolar issues. If one doesn’t work, go back and talk to your psychiatrist and try something else.
I continue to sort through our home and now I am going to stay at my brother’s house. He would like me to go through his linen closet and find items to donate. My SIL has advanced Alzheimer’s and while she has care givers I will spend the nights with her. I will also go through her purses and shoes. I enjoy the sorting process and especially cleaning closets.
My brother is moving out of the country with his wife in an advanced stage of dementia. By cleaning and sorting, I have found jewelry and other valuables she had hidden.
Thank you for sharing a snippet of your story Abbie, I have read through almost all the Real Life Minimalist stories and I kept being drawn back to yours. I was touched by your honesty, I think every one of us have thought at one time or another that life would be simpler if only …… I am a trainee Counsellor and am very interested in how Minimalism helps people with anxiety, depression and PTSD so I would be interested to hear how things are going. I was wondering if you have your own blog?