Every Monday I post Real Life Minimalists, a profile of one of my readers in their own words. If you’d like to participate, click here for details.
This week, I’m pleased to feature Courtney. She tells us how a near-tragedy inspired her to pursue a more minimalist and mindful path. Read more of her story on her blog.
Courtney writes:
Unfortunately, wisdom is earned through pain. It took an almost divorce and a car accident for me to really pull the plug on our old life. But the pain was brewing for years.
In late 2012 we had just about everything that you are supposed to want in your early 30s. We had successful careers, an abundance of so-called friends and modest wealth to show for it. But things didn’t add up for me internally. I had trouble being honest with myself about my dissatisfaction with what I had built. My business kept me up at night with worries, my “friends” didn’t feel like support but companions, and my marriage began to resemble the same dysfunctional marriage that I grew up with, distant and desperate.
In early 2013, I pulled the plugs on my companions and started working on building the skills that lead to fulfilling and enriching relationships. I started defining my values and only putting my time told nurturing my values and removing any distractions. I became a minimalist with my time and worked on mindfulness. This was the foundation of my minimalist lifestyle.
When I got pregnant in late 2013, I remember my first book on parenting was “The Minimalist Mom’s Guide to Baby’s First Year.” I took a lot of her advice at heart, but some of her recommendations seemed too extreme for me then. But for some reason, against the author’s advice we moved from a 937 square foot home to a 1900 square foot home with a big yard and pool because we thought we needed more space for the baby and family visits from out of town.
In the summer of 2015, I experienced the worst moment of fear for a mother. I was sitting in the backseat with my 11-month-old son on our way to the airport to return home from a family trip in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. The driver lost control of the car and for about ten long seconds the car shifted from the cliff’s edge of the road to hitting the side of the mountain instead. In those 10 seconds, I knew that there was a real possibility that at least one of us would lose our life or be permanently disabled. Luckily we didn’t go over that cliff, and we all survived with just a minor, but annoying back injury.
What if I had gone over that cliff? Would I have felt that I lived a true and authentic life? The answer was “no”, unfortunately. My marriage was still in trouble, and I felt at a loss for change. By late 2015, I wrote my husband a letter saying that our relationship had to change for the sake of our child. I needed our son to grow up in a home where his parents were an example of the love and kindness that I wanted him to give to the world. In late 2015, I learned the missing link to minimalism: boundaries.
Since then, we have become fierce editors of our lives. And we are doing it together. Our son has become the most affectionate kid in his class, and he loves to make mom and dad kiss by pushing our faces together.
We have since left our 1900 square foot home and downsized to a yardless 1000 square foot apartment. Our wardrobe follows the Un-fancy.com capsule wardrobe method, our kitchen only holds the essentials and even our waste has been scrutinized for simplicity now that we are adopting the Zero Waste lifestyle.
Living with less has been a byproduct of minimalism, it is not the objective. When you live mindfully, you are aware of how tiny decisions you make day to day either add or take away from this gift I call “life.” When you say “yes” to one thing, you are saying “no” to 10 other things. Or conversely for minimalists, when you say “no” to 10 things you get in return time for your relationships, health, and social causes.
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{If you’d like to learn more about minimalist living, please consider reading my book, The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide, or joining my email list.}
I love this series and found Courtney’s story compelling. I visited her blog but couldn’t sign up for emails because, according to Feedburner, she “doesn’t have email subscriptions enabled.” Can you let her know? Thank you!
yeah, same here!
I love this story. I’m glad you were able to make it work with your husband.
I like the phrase ‘living with less has been a byproduct of minimalism, it is not the objective.’ Very insightful. Too often I fear people get rid of their stuff and then hope to experience some epiphany, some great change of heart. It is the opposite that is true.
I agree, Michael. Courtney’s phrase completely “jumped off the page” for me too. It’s the first time I’ve heard the concept worded so simply (for myself and others)! Your perspective of folks getting rid of stuff (the outcome) before doing the insightful work of LIVING meaningfully for themselves (the objective) really dovetails Courtney’s phrase and thoughts of her journey. You and Courtney are both completely right and really helped me with how to simply explain my way of living (for YEARS, now) to others who don’t understand or know of the concept. Thanks to both of ya!
I had the same experience with “friends” or companions. Since I made so many changes, I have lost many in the shuffle but a few still shine, and that’s all that matters.
Great story!!!
I love that you addressed the “friend” issue. We are planning to downsize from our huge home in a beautiful neighborhood and move into a much smaller place in a nearby city that we absolutely love. It took me a while to wrestle with the “but we’ve made so many nice friendships with the neighbors,” until I realized that these are all just really friendly “acquaintances.” Would we ever go on vacation with any of them — no. Will I really mourn if I never see them again if we move away — no. Once I processed that, I realize I could let go of that neighborhood and make a more intentional choice.
Loved what you had to say! Thank u!
Hi there, I’m trying to read your site from an iPad. Just so you know your site doesn’t auto fit for iPad. It comes up as a tiny column. I can enlargen but it should auto fit to all devices! Other minimalist blog sites are fitting fine. Hope this helps! And hope to read your site more in future when it’s easier to follow. Kind regards. Shauna :)